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RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 7:33:53 PM

sweetwenchie

Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

First, i want to tell you how sorry i am that you had to go through that experience.

He showed no regard at all for either your physical or mental well being. Yes, at times things do go wrong during play, especially when trying something new. The fact that he ignored your obvious extreme distress speaks volumes. What speaks even louder to me though, is the fact that you felt raped. You scream no, and he tells you to shut up? The only thing he cared about was getting what he wanted, no matter the cost to you. i will not even go into the safety of what he did, so many others have already said over and over that he could have caused tears and damage that could well need medical attention.

In the end you will do what you feel is best, but if i were in your shoes, i would walk, no run from that.... person. How can you ever trust him again? That whole destined to be together sounds like some bs line he gave you so that he could continue to abuse you. Bottom line, even if he does not care what happens to you, you should care.

< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 2/13/2008 7:54:36 PM >

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 21

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 7:40:44 PM

subboy3188

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/1/2007
Status: offline

you deserve much better

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 22

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 7:59:28 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

This is why I believe safewords can be useful. At times I cry when we play, so that would not necessarily let him know there was something wrong. I have a safeword, and in your situation I would have used it and he would have stopped until he ascertained that I was ok. I can understand how you feel about not wanting to see this person again. I would probably feel the same way, I would never see someone again that did that to me.

I have to say that if this dominant could not understand that you were experiencing something unusually painful by your reactions and he had no way for you to communicate distress, I think it is perhaps a wise choice not to play with him again

My former dominant told me about a submissive he used to date that ended up in the hospital requiring emergency surgery because of a bad fisting ordeal. The dom just dropped her off and left her there to fend for herself. Someone that does not listen to you being in distress could put you in that position.

_____________________________

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Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 23

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 8:02:31 PM

chickpea

Posts: 446
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Los Angeles Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueen

I had a session today with my daddy, and the first half went great. The second half turned into a nightmare. He had told me that he would fist me, and would start gently. By the time I was screaming no and crying he was telling me to shut up. He left me bleeding.

Then he took me anally with no preparation. He got off, felt great, then cuddeled me. I sat and cried. I lit a cigarette and was shaking so badly I could harly strike a match. I apologized to him later for not being up to his standards, and he finally compared the size of his fist to mine. (He had me prepare by fisting myself.) He apologized for not realizing the size difference, but never realized that I felt raped and had to pray for strength through the whole thing.

He had told me that we were destined to be together. Now I'm afraid to ever see him again. Anyone been through anything similar?

I had experience where the expectation of my Dom was way more than I could produce, so some friction happened. And then I later told him about it, and he adjusted accordingly cuz he was a cool dom :-).

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 24

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 8:04:44 PM

LadyTeazer

Posts: 225
Joined: 4/1/2007
Status: offline

I am the first one to admit that I am very much a newbie Domme, and I know that I have a *lot* to learn.

That being said, your (chamberqueen's) comment that your "Dom" doesn't believe in safewords sends up a big RED flag to Me.   Talk about an unsafe ""player""........   The fact that he continued his actions despite your ~screaming~, crying, telling him "no", AND bleeding further proves him to be just a self-important player, not a genuine Dom. He was indeed, thinking with his small head.   And I use the word 'thinking' loosely.   To show such a blatant disregard for your emotional state and physical safety is completely inexcuseable.

I do not know what your relationship with this jerk is, or how deeply you are involved with him, but for your own good, ~leave him~.   If he asks you why you left, his cluelessness is all the proof you need to know that you did the right thing.

It might also be a good idea to *discreetly* pass the word along in your local BDSM group/community to warn others that he is an unsafe player, and not to be trusted..

Since you feel that he raped you anally, have you given any thought to pressing charges against him?

Lady Teazer ~ proud and happy Owner of [saberwolf34]
and *still* a WOW - Wonderful Older Woman

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 25

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 8:20:57 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

To me the only solid problem is that he would start gently. He obviously didn't really.

The rest? Well that sucks, but I've seen other slaves take that and "more" and it wasn't a problem.

Only you can decide if it was abuse, and if it was abuse from neglect, active assault, or both.

But there are obviously serious other problems- namely lack of understanding how things will work in a scene between you both and him walking away thinking the scene went great and you walking away thinking you're breaking apart inside.

Talk it out with him and go from there. Decide what you need for yourself to be fulfilled and what this whole thing means to you.

I also think he's a bit of an idiot for "not realizing the size difference" and that would be a big problem for me. For you? Who knows.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LadyTeazer)

Post #: 26

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/13/2008 8:34:55 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

As a slave who does not have a safeword, I am going to directly address the safeword issue. The reason I do not have a safeword is that Master holds my safeword for me. On a regular basis he comes to where he can look directly into my face and says, 'Do you need to safe word? Are you okay?'
My limit, when I was unowned, used to be that, while I was willing to accept a safeword from a Dom who believed in them and wanted me to have one, I would not play with a Dom with a safeword if I did not consider him safe enough to play with without one. I know who I am, and where my head goes when I play, and I simply am not going to manage to use a safe word, most of the time. I have to know that my Dom can be trusted to be watching carefully enough to stop if stopping is needed.
'Do you want to safeword?' is simply my Master's language of choice, at least some of the time. It is okay with me if your Daddy never says the word 'safeword'. But something must be going on besides him getting his kicks as he makes sure you are safe. Master knows I will not safe word. He is not looking for a 'yes, please' answer to help him decide to stop. He is simply getting me to answer a question so he can guage what is going on with me and how I am doing. I might say 'Hell, no' (my most common response to that question) and have him decide it is time to stop. Other times he may need to ask three or four times to get any answer from me at all becuase I have lost the power of speach, but he may still be able to determine that I am unable to talk becuase I am flying, not becuase I am being pushed to far and traumatized, and thus decide to go on.
If you are going to play without safewords, your Master MUST be able to make these destinctions for you. No safeword does not mean 'Don't stop if she is still breathing, and, hell, she is still screaming, so she must be breathing'. It means that the Dom is taking the responsibility to determine when it must stop.
Failure happens, everyone fails sometimes, everyone makes mistakes. But, bluntly, your Daddy did indeed fail you in this, at least this time. In order to play safely in the future, you both must be willing to admit that, and figure out how to fix it so it does not happen again, at least not in the same way. (Always try to make new and exciting mistakes, not the same ones over and over.)

(in reply to subboy3188)

Post #: 27

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 5:56:49 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Yes, afterwards I wrote to him. He told me that it was the second time he had tried fisting on a woman that went wrong and he had decided never to do it again. (I wouldn't mind if he tried it slowly and gently, and made it something romantic, but I didn't tell him that.) I asked him what the lesson for the session was, and it turns out that the session was supposed to be for MY pleasure. (Ok, that one hit me totally out of the blue.) Then He asked if I still wanted him to be my daddy.

I wrote back and was blunt but not unkind. I asked if he had missed the tears, the shaking hands, the fact that even though I had "won" laptime from a bet we had made that I didn't stay there my whole 30 seconds. I told him that halfway through the sex that he turned from a daddy to a sadist and that it scared me.

I told him that before the session I would have done anything for him. After the session was a different story. If he can be my daddy and not a sadist I will gladly serve him, but that's the only way.

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 28

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 6:10:53 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

We sent some emails back and forth last night and he was apologetic. He asked me if I still wanted him to be my Dom. I told him that if he was my Daddy and not a sadist. I carefully explained that he had changed halfway through the session, and that I was scared of the second person.

The relationship had been beautiful up to that point. I honestly don't think that he knew how much he was hurting me. However, that can be a red flag in itself. If we meet again in person I will make sure in advance that a safeword is set up and find out how he will respond to that. Maybe yesterday will be a wake up call for him and he will be who I thought he was. If our emails don't reflect that I will walk away. Like I told him, I hate to throw away 2 great months based on 10 bad minutes.

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(in reply to chickpea)

Post #: 29

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 6:22:36 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

I would like to thank everyone who wrote to me about this. The outpouring of support was great.

I honestly don't think that He knew how much He hurt me - I know, a red flag in itself. He has apologized and asked me if I still want him to be my Master. (I am his slave under consideration for collaring.) He had told me at the end of the session how much he enjoyed my creativity and how different I was from His other subs/slaves. I know it would hurt Him if I left.

I answered him that if He was my Daddy again and not the sadist that emerged halfway through. (The relationship had been one of the most incredible in my life and I had been falling in love with him. Now trust needs to be rebuilt.) I will watch for the tone of his emails, and will set up a safe word and make sure he tells me what His reaction will be to it. If I am not satisfied that I will be safe with Him I will end things.

The bleeding was from tearing and has stopped. I feel a bit bruised but that should heal soon. To me the true violation was more emotional/spiritual. Before yesterday I had felt that He had healed many of my emotional problems. If He can't, or won't, try to heal this one then I will know that the relationship is not healthy and will end it.

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 30

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 8:01:23 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Just a couple of comments:

I am glad you and he are talking about this, and encourage you to continue. The relationship has obviously been damaged; your trust in himself and his own trust in him has been hurt. At this time he has said he will not allow himself to engage in fisting, and I believe it is because he doesn't trust himself to do it successfully. "I"m never doing it again" is a knee-jerk reaction that, once he can come to terms with what happened, may very well be revisited. If you want this to work, you will both have to work at it.

Of course it is wise to feel safe with someone, and that's where talking and talking and talking comes into play. While it is understandable that your faith in him has been jarred, you have to decide if you are going to forgive him his error or not. If you are, then do so and move forward with him. If you are not, then there is no point in continuing. Talking to him about this will help you decide which way you will go.

Unless you were bleeding a LOT, it was probalby a mild wound and no real harm was done. I have typically bled after very hard vaginal use, or after anal sex. Hell, my tongue even bled once from being over-used for oral sex, lol - it was so raw it began to bleed in various places. Your emotional state was damaged more than your physical state. However, your comment about healing had you placing responsibility for your healing in his hands, and I will disagree with that. What are you doing to heal? This is both your problem, not just his, and if you are not willing to work toward healing, then I have doubts you will recover from this together.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 31

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 8:14:02 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Thank you for your insightful comments. I forgive Him because I truly don't believe that He meant to hurt me. He apologized immediately afterwards as we were cuddling and said that He made a mistake and felt that He should own up to it. I never made a noise when He entered me anally so there was no outward sign that anything was wrong, other than the fact that I kept my eyes tightly closed. I explained to Him in an email later that this is a sign that I am dealing with pain but I had never explained that before.

I don't expect Him to heal me. I do expect that if the breach in trust will be mended that it will take time and Him being patient - which He has always been good at in the past.

The bleeding was mild, just a small tear, and I am just feeling a little bruised today. It will heal quickly. I sent a short email to Him this morning wishing Him a happy Valentines Day, one filled with smiles and hoped that love would touch His heart. He wrote back wishing me the same and calling me His baby gurl. I think that things will get better. However, I did write later that we should establish a safe word and have an idea of what will happen when it is used, and that as long as I can trust him that I would do whatever He asked of me. I complimented Him on the things that went right and didn't mention again anything that went wrong. Time will tell.

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(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 32

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 8:16:11 AM

parttimehotty

Posts: 4002
Joined: 11/19/2007
From: Virginville
Status: offline

F**k him

" I know it would hurt Him if I left. "

So? Is that the ONLY reason you're staying? He didn't care that he hurt you and that was physical! Why do you care if he's hurt mentally by you leaving?

< Message edited by parttimehotty -- 2/14/2008 8:18:36 AM >

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(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 33

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 8:20:55 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Anyone been through anything similar?

not with Master and not anally with a fist, but yes, this slave was raped---she cried and pleaded and begged for him to stop throughout the whole ordeal. this slave was a virgin, and told him so and begged him please don't let it be like this---he forced this slave to jack him off into his toilet and afterwards wanted to know when we could see each other again.
we didn't.

this slave isn't into the "play" rape thing or the "real" rape thing and unless you are, she would encourage you to find a relationship that fulfills you, as well as your partner.

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 34

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 8:53:32 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

He has found out that he's a sadist. He may of course have known all along.
It took me years to come to terms with that knowledge about myself.
People come into this 'lifestyle' for a lot of different reasons and it's important to be honest with yourself and any prospective partner.
It doesn't sound like your a masochist.
Pretending and putting up with things just to have a relationship doesn't work in the long term.
He will probably want to hurt you again and again. Even though he might think at the moment that he doesn't.
I'm pretty sure that I can control my sadism so it is within acceptable limits for a sub/slave but it takes time to get to that point.
He might have learned his lesson with you but it's a risk.
Only you can decide if you wish to take that risk.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 35

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 9:09:22 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Thank you. He emailed me later asking if I still wanted him to be my Master. I told him yes if He was my Daddy, no if He was sadistic. He wrote back to me this morning with good wishes for Valentines Day and calling me his Baby Gurl so it seems he's made His choice. (After all, I'm His favorite sub.) Time will tell, but my eyes are more wide open.

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(in reply to lateralist1)

Post #: 36

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 11:01:04 AM

materialprincess

Posts: 2
Joined: 2/9/2008
Status: offline

whoa that is a huge red flag and a major no. safe words are very important and you havn't failed as a slave if you use them even tho i know its hard. in a good D/s relationship there is no punishment for use of a safe word. you have failed as a slave when you let things get that out of control without using your word that is something that needs practice.

But as for your specific information, screaming and crying obviously in pain your master should have known. Listen to your instincts hunny... when your heart and your brain tell you 2 diffrent things always listen to the one that thinks, not the one which is loudest.

(in reply to Aswad)

Post #: 37

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 11:11:31 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: materialprincess

whoa that is a huge red flag and a major no. safe words are very important and you havn't failed as a slave if you use them even tho i know its hard. in a good D/s relationship there is no punishment for use of a safe word. you have failed as a slave when you let things get that out of control without using your word that is something that needs practice.

But as for your specific information, screaming and crying obviously in pain your master should have known. Listen to your instincts hunny... when your heart and your brain tell you 2 diffrent things always listen to the one that thinks, not the one which is loudest.

m'Lord and I agreed on what the safewords are, but honestly, everything something is wrong, I don't think to say "red" I think to say "the shirt is choking me" or "that isn't going to work". What catches his attention is that I stop moaning, crying, screaming and I simply state what is wrong.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to materialprincess)

Post #: 38

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 12:45:08 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

It sounds likrethis guy is an abuser and the blood while fisting was bad enough. I know how anal can hurt even when fully prepared and with lube. For him to do that to you it sounds like he just wants to get off and does not care how you feel or if you are in a great deal of pain. It is good that you are talking but please be careful he may turn into the sadist you fear halfway through you next session. Best wishes.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 2/14/2008 12:47:42 PM >

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 39

RE: How do you handle it when things go wrong? - 2/14/2008 1:06:57 PM

venusinblu

Posts: 165
Joined: 1/12/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: chamberqueenHe doesn't believe in safe words,

This would cause me to never play with him at all. I am sorry, he doesn't sound like a Dom or a Master to me, after the way he treated you, he sounds like a bully and a man who has no respect for himself or the women he plays with.

_____________________________

Louis: Do you think I would let them harm you?
Claudia: No you would not Louis. Danger holds you to me.
Louis: Love holds you to me.

~~~~~~

When the going gets tough, the tough get under the table . ... Edmund Blackadder

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 40

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