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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/20/2008 12:18:24 AM

sub4sub123

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Wow, I can really relate to what you are saying. Here is the problem with what I relate to. It reminds me of my childhood because my father was always pitting us kids against each other and there were five of us. He encouraged jealousy. When I got older, I was able to change my way of thinking. It is like losing a game you have to be a "good loser" and eventually you can win, but try to be a good winner as well. Remember: No one can make you feel infieror without your consent- Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/20/2008 6:33:05 AM

SimplyMichael

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Jealousy isn't a habit, it is a reaction to insecurity.

The best thing I have ever read on it is in Dossie's book The Ethical Slut about being poly which I am not but read it anyway.

She says you should look at jealousy as a signpost of where you are wounded and hurt. Sounds to me like the OP sees life as as a "zero sum game" where anything someone else gets means less for her. Like is actually rarely like that. The more you give away, the more you have to give and the more you get.

Also, people don't always want what you think they want. BSB is an amazing woman and I at times doubt her love for me, not so much "her love for me" but that it is real. I mean I am "just a guy" nothing special and she is this glorious woman. I think a bit of insecurity and jealousy is a good thing, too much however and it becomes destructive. BSB used to be a nasty raging bitch over jealousy issues, OMFG was she a nut! For the most part we work together to get over each others issues.

So, look at the things that trigger your insecurities and work on them. Ask people you know well to talk to you about how you see yourself and get a reality check. There are places I am insecure that are real and I DO need to work on them, others aren't. Focus on making yourself feel stronger, know the things that trigger you and make sure your partner is careful around them and that you don't let people into your lives who aren't careful. Test yourself, put yourself in situations where you can see how people really react to the things you worry about that are less real and wait and see how things pan out instead of reacting and running away.

Lastly, don't hesitate to seek out and interview some therapists. Find one that resonates with you, that makes you feel comfortable (but not TOO comfortable!) and work on the issues with them. A good therapist who gets you can be a huge help.

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/20/2008 7:10:17 AM

breatheasone

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quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

I only get jealous of praise someone else is getting, if it comes from a person I feel territorial over .. i never act on it .. and am honest about it .. I dont let it become negative or an issue ... life is waaaaay too short .. if i feel insecure ... I would get out.

and yes *shock horror* a submissive can feel predatory .. I feel no guilt about that ... I am very territorial about my partners .. and truth be told (beacuse I never go rabbit roasting over it) .. they usually enjoy toying with my jealous possessive side .. it shows them I care enough to defend my "patch".

I so TOTALLY understand the territorial thing ...BIG TIME. I truly pity any woman that "comes on" to my Master....just sayin

Its weird too, because I don't remember being an overly jealous type at all in my 25 year marriage.

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/20/2008 4:35:41 PM

BossyShoeBitch

Posts: 3931
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From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Also, people don't always want what you think they want. BSB is an amazing woman and I at times doubt her love for me, not so much "her love for me" but that it is real. I mean I am "just a guy" nothing special and she is this glorious woman. I think a bit of insecurity and jealousy is a good thing, too much however and it becomes destructive. BSB used to be a nasty raging bitch over jealousy issues, OMFG was she a nut! For the most part we work together to get over each others issues.

Here's what I think. You have never seen that nasty raging bitchiness directed towards you though Michael for several reasons:
#1. You are anything but "just a guy"..
#2. You work very hard at being truthful and honest with me.
At the very beginning you told me you might want to find a playmate near you and were looking.. You knew I got a little pang of jealousy but that's what it remained.. A little pang. (Which as you know, actually gets me hot..) You have always told me immediately if you have met someone who piques your interest. And while I am relieved that you haven't actually decided to get involved with anyone, I know that you would make me feel safe and secure and be 110% honest with me if you did and I wouldn't feel that crazy jealousy... My crazy jealousy issues stem from mistrust and feeling disrespected.. There is NO mistrust or disrespect with you!

With us, you seem to always make things feel right and incredibly hot at the same time...

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/21/2008 5:45:38 AM

adoracat

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bossyshoebitch, you have my everlasting adoration...

because you use the word "piques" correctly.

its so nice to see that! ok, well that and your gorgeous photo.

(hijack over.)

and OP, i have jealousy issues also. those sometimes come hand-in-hand with being polyamorous and being in a LDR.

kitten

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/21/2008 5:55:02 AM

BossyShoeBitch

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From: South Florida
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quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

bossyshoebitch, you have my everlasting adoration...

because you use the word "piques" correctly. its so nice to see that! ok, well that and your gorgeous photo.

(hijack over.)

and OP, i have jealousy issues also. those sometimes come hand-in-hand with being polyamorous and being in a LDR.

kitten

thanks kitten! Good grammar makes me hot (which is part of the reason I first wrote Michael..) :-)

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A clever man can get out of situations a wise man never gets into...
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/22/2008 5:10:58 AM

wisteriaV

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Learn to love and accept yourself first and I think that you will find some if not all of your other insecurities will go away. If not then may I suggest therapy.

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/22/2008 12:13:49 PM

tigerseye

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i am extreamly territorial which right now isn't such a good thing...my Master hasn't collared me yet, and he collaring me will happen if/when we start actually dating. i warned him when we first met that when it comes to someone i love i don't play well with others lol and he is the same way. between he and i recently there has been a lot of appologizing for getting jelouse but sometimes it can be a good thing...i enjoy it because i really love that possession he has for me

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/22/2008 4:33:16 PM

chellekitty

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when i stopped focusing on finding a "we" to make me whole, and became a "me" - whole, independently, all by myself...the jealousy disapeared...and subsequently a LOT of people are attracted to that confidence...

chelle

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RE: Submissive Envy? - 2/24/2008 3:20:36 PM

goodgirlkitten

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Joined: 8/18/2007
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Not sure if this will help, but i have found that my feeling threatened is only with the man who mentored me. It was not so much about trust because i knew in my heart that He had integrity. But i find that it all stemed from selfishness and fear for me. Not saying that is you at all...but it is me lol. Fear of losing something we posses or failing to get something we want. But the truth is when the wave of threat passed over me and i was able to communicate how it felt. i discovered the most amazing thing. See in the beginning i chose to ask that man to mentor me because He had many of the qaulities i hoped to find in a Dom/Domme one day. So when He agreed He started mentoring me, i was very much me but being transformed in a very beautiful way into His ideal. Everything He found arrousing, mentally stimulating, emotionally fulfilling, and down to certain special things that were specific to just the two of us. So i had to ask myself if He agreed to lead me on this journey because He found something worth molding...and He has shared the most precious gift which is His time and attention to help shape me in a blend of His and my own ideal. So in a way i was His ideal submissive!!! (WOW)Then i do not care what anyone else has or does...if i am putting my everything into what i do and it is done in joy not in obligation. Then i know i am in a way His ideal...and it gets no better than that. To me i would rather be truly cherished by one than adored by all. But it is within myself where i have to be enough...and happy. i think it is time and like O/others have said taking a look at why it affects me. Sometimes it is not the person or the act, but something deep within ourselves we must come to peace with. Perfect is boring...then you would not need guidance. i love growing and learning and hope i never think i have it down.

< Message edited by goodgirlkitten -- 2/24/2008 3:25:53 PM >

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