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CreativeDominant -> RE: Asking for things... (2/18/2008 7:38:23 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kalista07
Yep........It's me.....again... So, recently it has occured to me that i have some difficulty asking for things.... i thought that it was primarily to ask for help or something along these lines that i struggle with...But, it has been made abundantly clear to me that it's not just asking for help but asking for anything (if i can get Him anything, if i can go to bed, etc. etc.). i know where this comes from, but that does not change anything! Has anyone else overcome anything like this, or have any suggestions?
Thanks,
Kali
Interesting question once again, kali. You state that you know where this comes from but since we don't, I am going to make a couple of guesses as I believe that in each case, the answer as to how to overcome it is going to differ.
1st case...as galilah noted, for some submissives asking for something while on their knees equates to begging and to humiliation. That makes it hard because they have a difficult time begging...in some cases, it makes it doubly hard because they have a hard time not only with begging but with humiliation in and of itself. If this is it, then you could work up to asking for what you want or asking whether or not you can get something for the dominant by asking them from a differing position. Perhaps while standing or while sitting next to the dominant.
2nd case...some submissives seem to have this belief that they are not supposed to ask the dominant for anything, whether it be for themselves (selfish) or for the dominant (he/she should just state what they want/the submissive is being presumptious or trying to steer the dominant/etc.). The submissive has the right to want things out of a relationship. How much is O.K. is decided during negotiation and discussion but even at the extreme wherein very little of the submissive's wants/desires are taken into consideration, the dynamic would still determine whether or not it is O.K. to ask. As for trying to steer the dominant or being presumptious, you could stop and consider that by NOT asking...and thereby not making either what you want or NOT asking about his/her wants...THAT it is indeed you trying to steer things your way. Finally, the idea that the dominant should just state what he/she wants and be able to read your mind as to your wants and needs. Though stated many times before, the dominant is not a mindreader...he cannot determine what you want just by looking at you, putting his hands to his hand and rolling his eyes back into his head. And as far as just stating what he/she wants rather than waiting for you to ask, consider this: is that not a form of having the dominant do all the work? Even the simple work of requesting/demanding/commanding what he wants? What about the dominant that wishes to see not only that his wishes are complied with when he asks BUT that the submissive has his wishes and mind and a desire to serve/please the dominant by expressing a need (by asking the dominant what they wish/what they can do for the dominant/etc) to serve?
Finally...perhaps you have had interaction with a dominant in which you DID ask what you could do for them and they did not give you a chance to serve. Or they would tell you to get/do something and then criticized your way of doing so constantly. Or you anticipated their needs and got accused of "trying to run things". Thereby, their words left a certain amount of indecision in your submissive spirit and a fear or being wrong no matter what so you find yourself in a spot of "blankness" as to how best handle this with this new D/s dynamic you two are instituting. One way to start is to remember how good he has been to you thus far and another fact to add in is this: he is not those who have come before. COMMUNICATE and find a way together.
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