long distance relocation (Full Version)

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subtranny -> long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:08:11 AM)

so i know the topic instantly makes just about anyone go nooo, I have been looking for a while now for that someone to call master/mistress and after alot of fakes I think I may have finally found the one. After lots of chatting with the person on a daily basis and getting to know them more i feel I can trust them. the conversations are very detailed and he seems to really know what a D is in all meaning of the word. he is willing to give out all personal information for me to even share with a friend as a safety net. He wants me to come for a visit for one week (was my idea before total relocation) to come and see what i would be getting myself into that way if i have cold feet or i realise that it is not for me (though i highly doubt it) i can still turn back. At what point can you trust someone thru the internet, enough to travel across the states too see them and serve them. I want to trust him completly but i of course still have that itch in the back of my head (the what ifs can pile up) any advice? I do feel i can trust him just cant get past 99% if that makes sense



MistressOfGa -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:14:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtranny

so i know the topic instantly makes just about anyone go nooo, I have been looking for a while now for that someone to call master/mistress and after alot of fakes I think I may have finally found the one. After lots of chatting with the person on a daily basis and getting to know them more i feel I can trust them. the conversations are very detailed and he seems to really know what a D is in all meaning of the word. he is willing to give out all personal information for me to even share with a friend as a safety net. He wants me to come for a visit for one week (was my idea before total relocation) to come and see what i would be getting myself into that way if i have cold feet or i realise that it is not for me (though i highly doubt it) i can still turn back. At what point can you trust someone thru the internet, enough to travel across the states too see them and serve them. I want to trust him completly but i of course still have that itch in the back of my head (the what ifs can pile up) any advice? I do feel i can trust him just cant get past 99% if that makes sense

Hi subtranny,
I think that it is great that he was willing to give you all the information you need to help you feel comfortable in your decision. I also think it is a great idea to go and visit him first before making the big move. It sounds like you have covered your basics.
Have you phoned him?
Have you seen him on cam?
You do have his home address?
Do you know where he works?

I see that you have just joined CM on the 4th of Feb. Did you meet him here? Or did you know him before joining CM?

If you could answer these questions first, I think that we might be able to give you better advice and comments. At least *I* will.

Welcome to CM, I hope that you did not just meet him here..12 days is not that long to be making such a commitment.

MoGa



IrishMist -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:19:09 AM)

quote:

At what point can you trust someone thru the internet, enough to travel across the states too see them and serve them. I want to trust him completly but i of course still have that itch in the back of my head (the what ifs can pile up) any advice? I do feel i can trust him just cant get past 99% if that makes sense

Only you can answer when the time is right to trust someone. Not the answer you were looking for, but it's still true.
If you feel that it's time to meet, then do so. Take all the necessary precautions and bite the bullet.



subtranny -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:23:36 AM)

what would be all the necessary precautions?
to answer some questions from the first post
yes we just met 12 days ago but the first week meet is not tell the end of march so it still gives a while to build up more trust.
i have contacted on phone once so far I called him after he gave out the number. no i have yet to see him on cam though i do have pictures.
I should say i really do feel i can trust him for lots of reasons so far though, he has told me about past sub/slaves he has had (3 total 2 beeing longer term) and gave me great detail about all three so either A. he is honest and true or B. he has a evil plot and has planned everything to a pin (that i highly doubt more like horror things you here) thx for the fast responses btw



VelvetMaam -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:23:52 AM)

Only spending 1 week with a person seems to me to be a very short period of time to base making a major life change like relocating.  

While I would consider having a sub relocate to live with me, I would need to have spent MUCH more time together in real life.   I don't think you can really know a person by just talking online and on the phone.   Also relationships go through a "honeymoon" phase when they are new - best to wait until that phase is over and you know the downsides of their personalities as well as the wonderful sides.



BlackPhx -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:33:11 AM)

The time to trust someone is when you trust them. I know that sounds like circular logic, but ultimately trust is something that grows and one day you look up and say, yeah..go on, I trust you to bring me out the otherside in 1 piece. Visiting with an eye towards relocation is another thing. Don't rush it, there are many things that you need to take into consideration before making that big move, just like any other.

Availability of work where you are moving to
Availability of a support system for you (this should actually be in place when you visit, a safe call back home is nice, one closer by who can actually help or shelter you  is better)
Cost of living in case things don't work out but you like the area
How that area will affect your health (new pollens if allergic, cold, heat, humidity etc)
Location of Doctors for transfers of records
Available Health Insurance and rate hikes in Car insurance if it applies

I am not trying to toss ice water on the excitement you have, just trying to point out some of the things that you might want to consider while preparing for a move and to begin to research. Always remember however that a person can be on their best behavior for a week, we often see this around Christmas time with the UM's or when relatives come to visit. You might want to make more than one visit for longer periods of time before making the final leap.

poenkitten (who tests the water before jumping into it. Damn forgot the cold water again)






Thorns82 -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:33:16 AM)

As far as safety, I'd stay in a hotel for the week you visit and I would make more than one visit before moving since, as VelvetMaam points out, it's hard to really get to know someone so quickly. 

Would it be possible to take a friend with you (maybe someone who has family in the area that they want to visit?) as a safety net?  If not, be sure to set up contact points. 

Could you contact one of his previous slaves, or does he have any other kinds of references?



LadyHathor -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:41:18 AM)

MoGa has given you some good advice, to that I would add:
 
In word isn't in action---so make sure you have an escape plan--refundable ticket
 
Let someone know where you are going, at least the town and when you will be back--set up a series of safe calls throughout the week--if he grouses about that--back away--any decent Dom  encourages safe calls--so have a few of them set up by friends with a code word, known only to you that if you are in trouble, they can get help--something like--this must be what its like to be in Paris--something normal but obscure---and you are right to stil hang on to that 99% even for a few visits--oh and RUN the ID--you can go online and check it out for a few dollars---do that---do your due diligence.
 
I hope it works for you--smiles and remember you are NOT under obligation at this point, if something doesn't suit you, communicate.



IrishMist -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 5:43:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtranny

what would be all the necessary precautions?
to answer some questions from the first post
yes we just met 12 days ago but the first week meet is not tell the end of march so it still gives a while to build up more trust.
i have contacted on phone once so far I called him after he gave out the number. no i have yet to see him on cam though i do have pictures.
I should say i really do feel i can trust him for lots of reasons so far though, he has told me about past sub/slaves he has had (3 total 2 beeing longer term) and gave me great detail about all three so either A. he is honest and true or B. he has a evil plot and has planned everything to a pin (that i highly doubt more like horror things you here) thx for the fast responses btw



Ok. Let me ask you somethings.

You have only been talking a week right?
Get a picture of him on cam if you are concerned that he may not be who he says he is. If he refuses, find out why and don’t settle for ‘I don’t have a cam”

How far a trip are we talking? Is he willing to pay half the expenses?
Not something that I really care about personally, but for some, it’s expensive to travel long distances, especially if you get stood up.

Where will you stay if you DO go to meet him? Is he insisting on you staying with him? Or are you going to stay at a hotel?
My suggestion. Stay at a hotel. Under no circumstances should you agree to stay with him. Make that perfectly clear.

Is there going to be play involved when you meet? Or is this just going to be a ‘casual get together’ to find out if you click on a less intimate level?
My suggestion, once again. DO NOT AGREE TO PLAY . If you meet and you decide you want to, that’s different. BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD IT BE A CONDITION OF MEETING.

Since he has already offered up his personal information for you; take him up on it. Get his address, phone numbers, anything he is willing to offer. Give them to another person. Have that person call you at specified times to make sure that you are ok. What’s more, before you meet him…call his phone numbers, check the address, it’s an easy enough thing to do.

Normal precautions. These are just some, I am sure that others can offer up more for you to think on.



MistressVnus -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 6:04:35 AM)

Interesting you should post this now.
I think that you have to go with your guts as well as put all the safety precautions in place.  Safe calls in place (several) and getting that persons personal information.  Also, staying in a hotel.  At least at first.  If you feel comfortable at some point of abandoning the hotel, let the people you are doing safe calls with know this.  Make sure you have round trip ticket.
As for the cam thing, I haven't seen anyone look the same on cam as they do in person.  I usually get a laugh out of it when I see people I already know on cam.  So, I, personally, wouldn't make that a requirement.  As long as pictures are recent.

I do have one thing to say about this, however.  If you get cold feet, FOR ANY REASON, don't just dissappear and leave that person hanging.  Give the person the curteousy of letting them know.  And, you just might find that any fears you have can be discussed.  But, if not, just be adult enough to let the person know you've changed your mind.

You can get all the references and such in the world, and you still will never know for sure until you meet the person if the chemistry is good.  I agree that 1 visit is NOT enough to termine if moving long distance is in order.  I don't want anyone moving into my house after only 1 visit.  And, I want to do my own gathering of personal information on the person coming to me.

Just play it safe, don't expect too much, don't move to quickly, use common sense, and go with your guts (not your desires). 



PsyVamp -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 6:04:48 AM)

you have already got some great advice here. 
I agree with not staying with him.  Set up safe calls every day even if you are staying in a hotel.
Since this will be your first face to face meet, I would also suggest that it is only "getting to know you personally" and not play yet.
If he is part of a community, I would even suggest going to the local dungeon (if possible) with him to see how others react to him.
Does anyone else know him or his reputation?

As far as the cam goes, I don't ever cam for people BUT if it was a situation like you are describing, I would fish the dang thing out of whatever box it's in and hook it up.  Don't be afraid to ask him to do it, its not like you live an hour away.

If you have any reservations after meeting him, be prepared to NOT move or serve him.  It is better to be without the relationship than in a bad one *especially* if you are uprooting your life.

Be safe, be careful, but have fun.
Good luck

Lady Jag



SailingBum -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 6:33:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtranny

what would be all the necessary precautions?
to answer some questions from the first post
yes we just met 12 days ago but the first week meet is not tell the end of march so it still gives a while to build up more trust.



This is a bad move in some many way. First off you have known him a whole 12 days secondly you have only know him 12 days.  and finally you have only know him 12 days! You see where Im going with this.  And to top it off it's online in other words you have no clue what he is about.  Sure go see him have a blast.  BUT don't go see him with the intent of moving there soon.

From a pratical standpoint he has nothing invested if things go wrong.  So your left in strange town with no place to live.  Not to mention the expense of moving yer ass someplace else.

BadOne 



sambamanslilgirl -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 6:55:51 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtranny

He wants me to come for a visit for one week (was my idea before total relocation) to come and see what i would be getting myself into that way if i have cold feet or i realise that it is not for me (though i highly doubt it) i can still turn back.

this part screamed major red flag in my head.  my advice - have him visit you on your home turf for the week. why? because you can have your family and friends meet and check him out too before spending a week on his home turf.

i did the same with a guy i met here and discovered (while he was here for 2 weeks) we couldn't be compatiable to each other as first thought. there were too many issues (mostly from him) that wouldn't make relocation possible.



crouchingtigress -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 7:29:42 AM)

i think it is a very good idea to be meeting as soon as possible. i think the idea of one week first is also a very good idea. i think staying in a hotel is also a good idea, but doubtful it would happen realistically.... nor will not having play time.

however this week will tell you alot.

look for clues like
how does he treat your waiter?
does he take you for meals, walks, and other fun activitys that you share common interests in?
how does he talk about his exes?
how much responsibility does he take in the relationships of the past breaking up?
how is his relationship with his family? mom dad sis bro....if it is not good is it all their fault?
does he judge/critisise others?...not you ofcourse but other folk?
does he drink, or have other habits that alow him to "check out" for periods of time say, gambling, sex, ect...
when he talks about the past do his eyes go up to left of to the right (NLP)

people tell you who they are in the first 3 minutes of meeting if you know how to read the clues....get a book on neural linguistics....and you will learn a lot about a person with out them need ing to utter a word.

but dont relocate until things feel 100 percent, and then even then give your self a minimum of 6 months of vacationing to him before relocating.

my .02







Dnomyar -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:12:19 AM)

Im going along with samba on this one. Have him come meet with you first. I dont care if he tells you he is working. He should have vacation time comming.
Another thing. Take this whole thing with a very large grain of salt. I personaly know subs who have been burnt by this.

I have a feeling that no matter what advice you have been given so far that your going to ignore it all anyway.

So when you crash and flame try not to be to bitter about it. You will need to take your share of the blame.  



Dnomyar -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:19:08 AM)

tigress when I talk about or think about girls my eyes go up and down. What does it mean when they stop on certain areas?



DiurnalVampire -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:23:44 AM)

If you are dead set on going to him, then make sure you have a hotel. DO NOT stay with him in his home. You are asking for trouble that way. If you decide after a day or so that staying with him might be ok, then do so, but do not do it on the first night. Dont alow yourself to be with what you expect and turn a blind eye to what he might truly be like. People can change face to face.

Secondly, make sure you have more than just one week of a visit. If you two are truly right together you will be right after 2 visits, you will be right after 4 visits. If you feel that you will lose something if you do not move right away, then there is a problem in and of itself. Make sure you like where you are, and not just who you are with. You will not be with the person 24/7/365. You have to like the city, be able to get around, be able to find a job... things like that. After you visit once, and if you want to start doing research, do so.
I moved here after knowing Angel for 6 months, visiting for 2 weeks and falling in love with the city. I did not then and stil do not live with Angel. I got my own place, my own job and have my own life and space. He was a good way for me to se a new city that I do love, but if he was the ONLY thing out here I had or liked, I doubt i would have moved.  There is more to life than the person you are with, and giving up everything you have and are to move to a city you might not like is going to put undo pressure on a relationship that hasnt had enough time to get on firm footing yet.

2 cents from someone who did just that
DV



Tygra -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:33:11 AM)

Ohmigod, Subtranny!
I'm basically in your same situation, with the difference that I've known Sir for over a month.

We're planning for me to go meet Hin for one week around the end of April.
(I will have to go to Him as He has work and kids to take care of)
He's been very firm in wanting to pay for the whole round-trip ticket.

He's been doing everything to reassure me, showing himself and the kids on cam and mic, giving me ALL his contacts, work included.
Obviously I will give this info to a handful of trusted people before I leave and set up some safety nets (phoning family and/or friends during the week).
If all goes well in April, I would go visit for 3 weeks in August.

I'll be following this thread carefully as it regards me as well.

Good luck to both of us!



CharmedAnne -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:36:54 AM)

Going and meeting him will be fun, and a nice away from the daily life, but a week is not enough! Speak from complete personal experience here. I met a couple chatted with them for a long time, moved it onto phone for about 6 months. Then I was read to meet them, so I went up there and had a wonderful week serving them. They asked me to come stay permantly, so I came home packed up my life and went. Within a month the relationship had deteroriated so quickly that I was left to be homeless in a city where I knew no one and didnt even have all my belongings.

Take alot of time before relocating. Go meet him for a week, then have him come here and meet you for a week. or 4. :) people can be one thing during the week and nother during the live in. A week is an easy amout of time to keep up a ficade.
be safe!
Anne



CalifChick -> RE: long distance relocation (2/18/2008 8:39:40 AM)

So after only 12 days and only one phone call, he's already discussing relocating? If your best friend came to you and said, "I've been talking to a guy on the internet for 12 days, and we've talked on the phone once, and he wants me to move across the country to be with him"... what would you say?  As concerned as I am about YOUR judgment (thinking one visit is sufficient before relocating), I'm even MORE concerned about his judgment.

Cali



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