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A question - 9/15/2005 1:49:38 PM

krazysubbiekat

Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

Okay, I have a question. Let me preface this by saying that when people ask me why I belong to a local BDSM club as a single submissive, I often reply by stating "If you want a pilot, go to the airport." I am not ashamed to say that I am actively looking for a Dom, Master, Owner, etc. As such, I scene quite frequently at the club's parties with some of my Domly friends.

Saying that, my question is this. I was wondering if my scening in a public setting with my friends is harming my chances of finding the One for me. I mean, do some look at scening with more than one partner equivalent to being promiscuous? And in a BDSM context, is that a bad thing? I, personally, do not equate non-sexual scenes with being promiscuous. More of a need being fulfilled.

I guess this is stemming from my own personal frustrations; but I would still like some opinions on this.

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini

Post #: 1

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 2:14:29 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

Saying that, my question is this. I was wondering if my scening in a public setting with my friends is harming my chances of finding the One for me. I mean, do some look at scening with more than one partner equivalent to being promiscuous? And in a BDSM context, is that a bad thing? I, personally, do not equate non-sexual scenes with being promiscuous. More of a need being fulfilled.

If you are set on finding a strictly monogamous guy, I would suspect there may be some harm done. In that event, I'd suggest you "go to the airport but only hang around the flightline."

If you are looking for someone open to poly, I'd suggest that you are probably helping your cause.

In any case, letting it be subtly but insistently that you are looking for a partner won't hurt at all. The only drawback in situation two I can see is that someone might think you are already in a committed relationship.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 2

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 2:23:50 PM

NakedOnMyChain

Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I, personally, don't view scening with multiple people while you are uncollared as promiscuous. John has the right of it, though. It might scare away someone looking for a very monogamous relationship. If scening with many people makes you feel good, and helps you learn, keep at it. Eventually someone will realize your worth.

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 3

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 2:27:32 PM

MasterHyde

Posts: 127
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

I concur with what John said. The answer to your question depends on the kind of partner you're looking for. Someone who is strictly monogamous may look on your playing in a negative light. He might see it as promiscuous, or he might just think you're playing with someone else, so you're not necessarily available.

It is really up to you to decide what kind of partner you seek, and follow a course of action that will give you the best chance of meeting people who fit that description. It might behoove you to continue attending parties and other social events, but to cut down somewhat on the amount of "playing" you do there. Please not, I said it "might" behoove you to do this. There's no guarantee.

You want my bestest, most sure-fire advice I can offer on this subject? Be yourself. Do what pleases you, and have a great time doing it. If you're happy, and enjoying your life, that will reflect on you in a positive way. Man AND women are naturally attracted to people who seem happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. So if playing with your friends makes you happy, keep doing it. Chances are, the kind of guy who will be put off by that isn't the kind of guy who'll be compatible with you. But the kind of guy who sees you doing what you enjoy, and wants to be part of your life as it is right now, may be exactly the kind of guy you're hoping to meet.

_____________________________

Master Hyde
A self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 4

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 2:56:31 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Okay, I have a question. Let me preface this by saying that when people ask me why I belong to a local BDSM club as a single submissive, I often reply by stating "If you want a pilot, go to the airport." I am not ashamed to say that I am actively looking for a Dom, Master, Owner, etc. As such, I scene quite frequently at the club's parties with some of my Domly friends.

Saying that, my question is this. I was wondering if my scening in a public setting with my friends is harming my chances of finding the One for me. I mean, do some look at scening with more than one partner equivalent to being promiscuous? And in a BDSM context, is that a bad thing? I, personally, do not equate non-sexual scenes with being promiscuous. More of a need being fulfilled.

I guess this is stemming from my own personal frustrations; but I would still like some opinions on this.

I'd say you are on the right track. If you are part of your local org, chances are you are being offered opportunities to become educated, are playing in a safe/sane/consensual environment and are being exposed to not only Dominants who might be compatible, but you are making friendships. I don't see where any of this is bad.

Sex and the single sub has been batted around for as long as I've been in the scene. And I was single more years than I was with anyone. This never stopped me from going to events or playing with people. What you do is your business. If someone wants to judge you for who you play with and how, chances are they are doing you a favor by selecting themselves out before making your life nutty.

The more you are exposed (I mean in a community sense, not...nekked ~grin~) to people whom you might find compatible, the better for you. And I'd say that actually becoming part of your local scene is the best thing you can do.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 5

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 2:56:32 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

As other's have stated it depends upon the person. I discarded quite a few for playing with the world when I was searching.
Of course I was also looking for monogamous, not how many chunks out of the headboard.

For those seeking who have come to me with this question, I've usually told them to find a partner to play with and stick with them. Doesn't mean you want a relationship with them. Let everyone know, they are strictly a partner to play with and learn from.

Of course, other's may feel different as well.

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 6

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 3:01:30 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

If you are set on finding a strictly monogamous guy, I would suspect there may be some harm done. In that event, I'd suggest you "go to the airport but only hang around the flightline."

If you are looking for someone open to poly, I'd suggest that you are probably helping your cause.

In any case, letting it be subtly but insistently that you are looking for a partner won't hurt at all. The only drawback in situation two I can see is that someone might think you are already in a committed relationship

Mr. Warren, Sir,

I'd have to disagree with your above statement, unless of course I've misunderstood it. Are you actually saying that bottoming to more than one person in your opinion would discredit a girl from finding a Dom who was monogomous? Are you also saying that you consider someone who bottoms/plays with multiple people polyamourous?

I've always leaned toward monogomy, though I have never equated the number of people I bottomed to to have influence on whether I was seen as a 'mono' sub or a 'poly' sub. I've always separated my SM from my D/s for sake of distinguishing 'scene' play which is not of a 'relationship' type and men whom I'm involved with in a relationship.

So, my experience would have to allow me to disagree with your assessment of the situation. I don't think that playing with more than 1 person in a group would necessarily be frowned upon by a dominant. But again, this opinion is born from my experience. Everyone's milage may be a little differant.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 7

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 3:07:31 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Just be yourself. That's the best way to be happy, and also the best way to attract someone compatible. If you enjoy a lot of play, do it, and you'll attract people who are into a lot of play. If it turns people off, then fuck'em--those aren't people you'd want anyway.

But make sure you're sending the right signals, too. What I mean is this. There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with playing publicly before you're collared. So it's not a question of condemnation. But if people see you playing every weekend at this or that party, you might develop a reputation as someone who is interested only in play, a sensation junkie (a dungeon slut, in less complimentary language), and if that's a mischaracterization of who you are, obviously it won't help you find someone you can be intimate with.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 8

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 3:10:56 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

But make sure you're sending the right signals, too. What I mean is this. There is nothing morally or ethically wrong with playing publicly before you're collared. So it's not a question of condemnation. But if people see you playing every weekend at this or that party, you might develop a reputation as someone who is interested only in play, a sensation junkie (a dungeon slut, in less complimentary language), and if that's a mischaracterization of who you are, obviously it won't help you find someone you can be intimate with.

Excellent point.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 9

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 4:44:03 PM

sultryvoice

Posts: 368
Joined: 3/31/2004
Status: offline

I am a single submissive and I do belong to clubs here..At the new club here, The Mark, I am in charge of the facility in as much as keeping it clean, making sure it is stocked with supplies and so forth. As this is a new place, not everything is defined as yet. I am also a DM for 2 clubs here..Being single at a bdsm club is not a bad thing. It's a great place to meet a potential partner. Although, for the most part, I don't play in public, there is no mistaking that I am a single submissive. My downfall is that I tend to be overly picky...I am in no hurry..In the meantime, I am visable within both clubs and I have met and continue to meet many like-minded individuals..

Respectfully,
sultry

_____________________________

Blessed are the cracked,
For it is they who let in the light.

www.themarkbycpi.com

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 10

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 5:34:45 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Just be yourself. That's the best way to be happy, and also the best way to attract someone compatible.

X

Total agreeance.

(in reply to sultryvoice)

Post #: 11

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 5:39:03 PM

CaptCraig

Posts: 28
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline

Lily and Lordamdmaster have nailed it. Look at the vanella world, they go out to movies, games, clubs to dance, church socials etc. We go to BDSM clubs and play parties. Its what we do, its what we believe in, its what want to be. They don't teach you in school how to handle the business end of a riding crop but they do spend a lot of time organizing the "PC " way. So, in recent years we have developed "Our way," it's not perfect but we all are learning, hell, when I started in 1966 I almost became paranoid. I was afraid of being turned in for the reward. Those were tough days. My wife, #1, thought I was nuts and wanted me to go to the shrink. I look back and laugh now. All you subs, get right out there, be yourselves, be honest, try everything that intrests you, don't jump on the bandwagon with the first Dom who takes you aside. Be PATIENT and if you take the time and search your soul and find who you really are you will reach your bliss. While having nothing to do with BDSM Read Joseph Campbell, he will help you find your bliss. Now I must go flog slaveHIS :)

(in reply to sultryvoice)

Post #: 12

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 7:06:52 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Actually I'd say the opposite. Scening in public lets people know your comfort levels, lets them know you are social and trust me, word will get around that you are available.

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 13

RE: A question - 9/15/2005 8:57:20 PM

truesubboy

Posts: 35
Joined: 1/9/2005
Status: offline

I don't think this is hurting your chances at all. Another quote that fits your tale is Willie Sutton, when asked why he robbed banks said, "That's where the money is."

You have a much better chance of meeting people who share your interests if you are comfortable belonging to a local BDSM club. Also, if you like to play at play parties, and a potential partner thinks less of you for it, then they are most likely not the partner for you. Stick with it, have fun, and you'll have a better chance of meeting someone.

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 14

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 5:15:02 AM

target

Posts: 46
Status: offline

I would be more comfortable with someone who knew what they wanted and sought it out than a wannabee sitting back waiting to be plucked. You are honing your skills . Enjoy it.

(in reply to truesubboy)

Post #: 15

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 6:59:37 AM

krazysubbiekat

Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

Thank you all for your responses. I think that the course that I am on is working for me...with maybe a few directional fine tunings. As I am attracted to public play, polyamorous relationships, and just plain fun, I agree that a potentional Dom would also be interested in the same things. I knew this all already; I guess I needed a reassurance.

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 16

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 7:36:27 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krazysubbiekat

Thank you all for your responses. I think that the course that I am on is working for me...with maybe a few directional fine tunings. As I am attracted to public play, polyamorous relationships, and just plain fun, I agree that a potentional Dom would also be interested in the same things. I knew this all already; I guess I needed a reassurance.

[laugh] Then what you are doing is classic advertising... go for it!

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to krazysubbiekat)

Post #: 17

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 7:54:35 AM

Shadowsdream

Posts: 35
Joined: 9/2/2004
Status: offline

I have been watching this thread and thinking about how I also scene with many at all events and of those subs and Dom/me friends of mine that do the same. Personally I am very upfront about not seeking another sub or slave at this time yet do know that if I were I would be dismissing potential subs from serious consideration that played constantly with one play partner sooner that a submissive that played with many.

My reasons for this is my own brand of integrity...I would not wish to step on any toes of a budding relationship or for that matter one that seems secure. Though often the security in said play partners is simply the comfort in having a known play partner and an available play partner. Like it or not there are so many under currents in our scene of old...new and potential pairings that decisions are made when seeking a partner that would not often be thought of in the blush of the moment.

Go with your comfort level yet if you are available and looking for a more permanent situation make it known by those you trust and the word will get out as need be.

www.mistressmarlene.com

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 18

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 8:04:58 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

quote:

Sex and the single sub

ProtagonastLily

Catchy! 4 hot single subs, trendy scene, great fetish wear, Manolo boots to black, and a very Mr. Big.

Hmmmn.. Think it'd make prime time?

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 19

RE: A question - 9/16/2005 8:29:23 AM

krazysubbiekat

Posts: 145
Joined: 7/31/2005
Status: offline

*laughing out loud for real* Advertising? I had a flash of a party costume (Halloween coming up and all). A big placard affixed to my bare a$$ "This space available for immediate ownership"

_____________________________

"Treat every day like it is a gift. Unwrap it and then wrap your arms around it; it will surprise and intrigue you." --N. Elchibini

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 20

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