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Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:11:18 AM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
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I recognize that I have to sit down and define some boundries for this friends of mine-- my problem is that I'm still trying to sort out my feelings on what's happening and get past the knee jerk reaction of having my personal space invaded.

Anyway, I have a long time friend who knows most everything about me, she's known me since before I started reevaluating myself and what I wanted out of life/relationships, she's seen the metamorphasis from who I was to who I've become.

She is quite open about her own life, in fact I sometimes thinks she makes a point of letting people know that she has a sex life (non WIITWD). I've always been more private and while I'd cringe when she's talk about my relationships in the past, I'm far more uncomfortable with her loose tongue now.

She flits in and out of relationships and she's told them all the details of her friends, she seems to derive what I think is an adolescent pleasure out of telling people that her two closest friends are into WIITWD and yeah, I guess it's amusing that we are oppisite sides of the spectrum (the other friend being a Domme).

This week she posted a blog and in it she "outed" me, to quote: "....black belt that he got an interesting glimmer in his eyes when he picked it out (my bff is a sub...and her dom bf whips her...I KNOW that's where his mind went lol...)" and this is where the knee jerk reaction comes in. Sure I make innuendos at times that people can pick up on or not, but it's my life and I'm entitled to give out or keep in as much information as possible. But to so blatently spell it out in a public venue is just so distasteful, I'm almost speechless.

I guess I'm wondering if others have had people in their lives that seem to think it's funny or makes them seem more sophisticated to make comments such as this-- I don't know it almost seems like a name dropping tactic, "look at how interesting I am, I have a friend who is into this kink"... Like I said at the beginning, I have a negative gut reaction to this and I've yet to put words to the feelings concisely.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

Post #: 1

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:24:16 AM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

Friends do not make your life a spectator sport. If this is how she treats her friends, you might be better off having her as an enemy...

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:24:23 AM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

She seem like more of a problem then a friend, if you still want her as a friend I would distance myself from her and not talk about your "sex" life when around her. But if I was me, I would not have anything to do with her again. She has proved that she can not be trusted with anything you tell her.

Mike

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 3

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:27:34 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

At the last family Christmas party I went outside to have a cigarette. Since it was my brother-in-law's family I knew almost no one there A man there lit my cigarette for me, just being a gentlemen. Someone commented on it and my brother-in-law made a comment like, "Hey, he had to, or she'd get out the whips and chains. You know she's into that, don't you?"

I'm not ashamed of what I am or what I do but I would prefer to tell people on my own. I knew I had the choice of how to handle a possibly uncomfortable situation so I just threw my arm around the man's neck and said, "that's right, and this is my bitch". He was a step below me on the stairs, and played alone well by leaning his head against my chest. Thankfully it got a laugh from everyone around but it was definitley not a situation I would have chosen.

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:28:36 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Yeah my friend who i explained it to makes jokes all the time on her mypace about it (granted she gets it wrong and calls me a dominatrix probably because its the only one thats really in the public sphere) I just laugh about it. I have a blod in which i mention people i know but i always keep it anonamous usually using just their initials if i have to. I would have a word with her if it upsets you though, its not her place to say anything about you and shes out of order doing so. Its ok to discuss your own practices in whatever way you choose but to do it to someone else is not really respecting them. I wouldnt like it much if someone was that specific about me, in fact once someone i only sort of knew used my real name on a differant site in his blog and I asked for the moderators to remove it. It removes your choice in what you tell certain people.

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There would be no gossip without secrets
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Post #: 5

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:36:04 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Friends do not make your life a spectator sport. If this is how she treats her friends, you might be better off having her as an enemy...

Spectator sport-- yes, that's a good way of putting it.

She knows the dynamics of my relationship and I can't get that back, obviously, what she thinks goes on behind closed doors is and always has been pure conjecture as I'm kind of prudish about that. I've had to stop her from going into graphic detail about her own exploids as I just don't want to know.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 6

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:47:31 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline

Sometimes, there are people in our lives, that are friends for the sole reason they have always been our friend. We have changed or out grown them yet they are still in our lives. Even though the dynamics of a close friendship are long gone we sometimes just keep going. I don't know if this is the case here or not. If it is, I think you will not miss this person if you choose to cut contact. A genuine Friend would automatically know what should be kept to themselves, or would at least ask

Jeff

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 7

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:52:49 AM

OmegaG

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Joined: 10/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Sometimes, there are people in our lives, that are friends for the sole reason they have always been our friend. We have changed or out grown them yet they are still in our lives. Even though the dynamics of a close friendship are long gone we sometimes just keep going. I don't know if this is the case here or not. If it is, I think you will not miss this person if you choose to cut contact. A genuine Friend would automatically know what should be kept to themselves, or would at least ask

Jeff

And I'll admit that she's the only person I've befriended in the past 10 years that I felt comfortable being me with. It is nice that I don't have to cloak my thoughts with her, I can talk about m'Lord or collarme and she won't try to save me. And I didn't mind when she was telling boyfriends, to a point, I understand that there is sharing between partners, Lord knows m'Lord knows about her through me.

And I have told him that I'm not sure I'll remain in close contact when I move, he understands the need for a confidant but he's hoping I can find someone in the area he lives in that will be part of WIITWD that will fill that role.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 8

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 8:53:08 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

And we're stuck with our relatives. : )

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 9:32:21 AM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
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Charlotte has a friend like that. She is really good at keeping secrets but only if she considers it something that should be secret. Another girl always promised not to tell things but simply couldn't help gossiping (especially if she got drunk...would always pretend to feel bad after.) Eventually one has to learn who they can trust with information. After a while it became this slave's own fault if something she told these girls got out. It is frustrating to have friends like that (and they are still friends of a sort) but sometimes you learn something about a friend and it's up to you to decide whether you want to put up your own boundaries and remain friends or let them know you can't be friends with someone you can't trust with private information. Charlotte has had to do both.

Good luck,

charlotte

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 10

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 9:58:02 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

using FR.......

In this whole big world I have one friend that I trust completely. No matter how angry she gets at me I know she would never betray that trust. Truth be told, she has probably been a better friend to me than I to her over the years.

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to charlotte12)

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RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 10:37:09 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If it's not cool for you, it's not cool. Just ask her directly to not make any references to you being kinky to anyone else without your explicit permission beforehand. And don't talk about it with her.

This is part of why I have very few friends.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 10:41:24 AM

sweetwenchie

Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline

~fast reply~

i can understand the desire to have a friend that accepts everything, normal, kinky, whatever, and that you can share everything with. However is she is going to throw out the personal information you share with her on a public blog, she might not be the best choice of friend to confide in.

_____________________________

"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 3:34:30 PM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetwenchie

~fast reply~

i can understand the desire to have a friend that accepts everything, normal, kinky, whatever, and that you can share everything with. However is she is going to throw out the personal information you share with her on a public blog, she might not be the best choice of friend to confide in.

Agreed. I would not consider this person a "friend" personally. Friends in my book I can share things with without them telling anyone else about it.

_____________________________

I cannot be defined by moments in my life, but must be considered for by the entirety of my existence.

When you fail to consider that I am the best judge for what is right for me, all of your opinions become suspect to me.

(in reply to sweetwenchie)

Post #: 14

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 3:42:54 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

The problem with this person is how she sees things. She has had ot be stopped going into graphic detail of her own exploits, and doesnt seem to see why not everyone would want to know about them. She handles other people's lives much the same way. She sees nothing wrong with telling every detail of everything to anyone who wants to listen. The thing is with people like that, it isnt that they cant be trusted, its just that they dont understand what should be private and what shouldnt. It isnt a matter of betrayal as muchg as it is tactless and misunderstanding. Now, if you talk to her about keeping you out of her blog and she STILL doesnt get it, thats a different story. MAybe you just have to reconsider what you let her know in the future, and make it clear that you dont want her announcing things to the world.

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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VampiresLair

(in reply to laurell3)

Post #: 15

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 5:38:48 PM

SubbieOnWheels

Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline

*FR*

It sounds to me as though this person is seeking attention through showing a "familiarity" with something that has shock value. In her mind, something exotic rubs off on her from you, and she will be seen as being "cosmopolitan" and "open-minded" by being so flippant about something that she secretly considers "scandalous."

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Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 16

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 6:18:49 PM

subtee

Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline

Do you wonder how to deal with your friend, or do you wonder if others of us have had to deal with the same thing?

I am currently being threatened with being outed by someone I barely know. It's horrific to consider, however, I understand that I really can't control what he will do. Therefore, I have to analyze and consider what my response will be if he goes through with it. It's rarely off my mind just lately, but I can't change this situation, just handle it with my own grace, if possible.

I'm sorry if your friend has hurt you.

Tee

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 17

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 6:32:40 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Do you wonder how to deal with your friend, or do you wonder if others of us have had to deal with the same thing?

I am currently being threatened with being outed by someone I barely know. It's horrific to consider, however, I understand that I really can't control what he will do. Therefore, I have to analyze and consider what my response will be if he goes through with it. It's rarely off my mind just lately, but I can't change this situation, just handle it with my own grace, if possible.

I'm sorry if your friend has hurt you.

Tee

That is truly horrible, Tee, I hope that a serene resolution is reached soon.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to subtee)

Post #: 18

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 6:35:19 PM

OmegaG

Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SubbieOnWheels

*FR*

It sounds to me as though this person is seeking attention through showing a "familiarity" with something that has shock value. In her mind, something exotic rubs off on her from you, and she will be seen as being "cosmopolitan" and "open-minded" by being so flippant about something that she secretly considers "scandalous."

yes, that resonates with me, I think that was what I was stuggling to eluciate.

_____________________________

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to SubbieOnWheels)

Post #: 19

RE: Boundries - 2/19/2008 7:07:07 PM

batshalom

Posts: 1990
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

It's a case of social comparison for her. "This is how she is - I'm not that way so I'm better than she is." It happens all the time - we compare ourselves up and we compare ourselves down socially, to either make ourselves feel better or to make ourselves do better. In the case of this ... err ... friend ... it sounds like she has to pull you down in order to make her semi-skanky life seem shinier to herself and to others.

I won't go so far as to say she's not your friend - only you can determine that - but I will say that it seems like she uses your secrets for her own positive self-presentation, and that is very unlikely to change. If you wish to keep her in your life, simply refuse to speak to her about it ever again.

It seems like she's outted you to the circle of friends she hangs out with, and since you apparently knew about it, you're culpable in that you continued to supply her with the information. It's time to stop enabling the little kinkaholic. Wean her off the submissive tit. Better yet, make her go cold turkey as far as your life is concerned.

(in reply to OmegaG)

Post #: 20

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