RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla??

RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (Full Version)

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sweetwenchie -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 1:06:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Has your master read your profile? Doesn't it state that you are searching for 'The One'? If he's not it, maybe he doesn't feel like playing, Idk.. [:D] That will teach me to forget my penchance for profile perving

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 1:08:09 PM)
as far as i am concerned He is the One... :) i normally keep my profile hidden so no one sees it anyway...but you bring up an interesting point...thank you for mentioning it...simple oversight on my part and it has been fixed! :) please dont let my error detract from the serious intent of my post...

SailingBum -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 10:01:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Has your master read your profile? Doesn't it state that you are searching for 'The One'? If he's not it, maybe he doesn't feel like playing, Idk.. Her profile "vanished" Imagine that. She joined a couple of months ago and yet she "claims" she has been with this guy for 14 months. My bull shit meter just went off the scale! BadOne

xxblushesxx -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 5:07:51 AM)
lol But, if you're going to make up a question, why not make up something funny, (or stupid) like the couple who wanted someone to buy them plane tickets because they were cute and wanted to submit, but sex and housework were out of the question, or the guy pretending to be a Muslim, who is ranting about the racist white bdsm'ers. g I'm just sayin' ~Christina

slaveluci -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 5:59:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess do i have to be a bad girl to get Him to react? I certainly hope not. Rather than acting "badly," talk to the man. Tell him like you explained it here. Isn't that the mature, rational, adult way to handle it rather than resorting to "bad" behavior (whatever you consider "bad" to be)? The potential for that to backfire is so huge. Also, I really hope you don't believe that "vanilla" relationships are, as a whole, some reduction of D/s. That vanilla is always somehow a "step down." As has been discussed on these boards alot over time, many of us know people in long-term, committed vanilla relationships and marriages who are every bit as happy, solid, committed, loyal, etc. as any D/s or M/s couple has ever been. My own parents for example. Married 33 years when my Dad passed, they didn't know what D/s was but I've never seen such love, loyalty and service from a female to her man. It's not a come-down to "only" be vanilla..............luci

SimplyMichael -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 6:20:23 AM)
The dynamic for many is that they come to bdsm because of personal issues. They are wounded in some way and find solace in the structure and control. Finding a partner who nurtures them and starts healing those wounds, the "need" for kink changes because they are getting their needs met in more healthy ways. I fall into the above a bit, plus doing the long distance thing, first thing I want when I see BSB is to look into her eyes (as opposed to making her divert them or look down) and since we meet in public (airport usually) I can't have her kneel when I get there and so all I want is a long lingering hug. I enjoy playing protocol and simply make time to do so. BSB needs spankings and so I give her "maintenance spankings" that keep her all smiley and happy. Sort of her equivalent of a quick blowjob for me. If you find yourself missing something, talk to your partner, not "why don't you do X anymore" but instead say "I miss X, can you please give me some". Assume your partner wants you to be happy, you two should be a team working together to make each other happy. That is why I cringe when people say "real dominant or real submissive." What I hear them saying is "I don't know exactly what I want and or I can't ask for it and they should be able to read my mind/understand my hidden expectations." SAD! For me, my current relationship is the most loving, most healthy, and most extreme relationship I have ever been in so I don't think love and D/s or love and BDSM are mutually opposed concepts.

Leatherist -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 6:21:54 AM)
Most guys are just not twisted and evil enough to want to go there. Too much fluffy bunny.

toservez -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 7:28:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael The dynamic for many is that they come to bdsm because of personal issues. They are wounded in some way and find solace in the structure and control. Finding a partner who nurtures them and starts healing those wounds, the "need" for kink changes because they are getting their needs met in more healthy ways. I fall into the above a bit, plus doing the long distance thing, first thing I want when I see BSB is to look into her eyes (as opposed to making her divert them or look down) and since we meet in public (airport usually) I can't have her kneel when I get there and so all I want is a long lingering hug. I enjoy playing protocol and simply make time to do so. BSB needs spankings and so I give her "maintenance spankings" that keep her all smiley and happy. Sort of her equivalent of a quick blowjob for me. If you find yourself missing something, talk to your partner, not "why don't you do X anymore" but instead say "I miss X, can you please give me some". Assume your partner wants you to be happy, you two should be a team working together to make each other happy. That is why I cringe when people say "real dominant or real submissive." What I hear them saying is "I don't know exactly what I want and or I can't ask for it and they should be able to read my mind/understand my hidden expectations." SAD! For me, my current relationship is the most loving, most healthy, and most extreme relationship I have ever been in so I don't think love and D/s or love and BDSM are mutually opposed concepts. I thought overall this was a great post. I particularly identified with your “real dominant and real submissive”. I also roll my eyes when I hear the word natural for the same reason. These are often people who do not want to put in the effort and sacrifice in the power exchange area of their relationship and are mostly just indulging in selfish and inconsistent behavior. These relationships take work by both people and an understanding that no one is always on or should just be that way or they are not real. The life and effort that two people commit to a power exchange aspects of the relationship is just as important as the personalities of the two people.

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 7:35:14 AM)
SailingBum...do you think EVERYONE meets on CM?? we met elsewhere...not on CM. we have been together 14 months. He knows about my profile. my new profile was created in december but i had another before that. as stated above, i normally keep my profile hidden unless i am online. i suppose comments by jaded individuals such as yourself is the reason why many people refrain from posting. try keeping an open mind about people...it is far more attractive...

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 7:47:25 AM)
thank you slaveluci.... you are right of course...talking to Him would be the mature thing to do...lol...sometimes though, with Him i feel more like a little girl and stumble with my words...He always listens though and perhaps knows me much better than i thought because last night He kept me on my toes! very affectionate as usual, but kept me hopping and i can't tell you how happy i was!! :) He totally surprised me!! again you are right about vanilla relationships having as much importance as bdsm relationships...i didn't mean to imply otherwise...i suppose though when you think you are getting one thing and it slowly changes into something else it is kind of daunting! the D/s dynamic is always present, but for the most part i think we look like any 'traditional' vanilla couple! and that is cool...we have been together 14 months and i want to experiment with various facets of bdsm, while He seems content to let things happen naturally...ok, i am a type a personality!! lol this is my first D/s relationship and being submissive feels natural but it has never been my role in any other relationship! while other boyfriends may have appeared dominant for a while, it was only a matter of time before the roles reversed with me becoming the dominant partner! that will never happen in this relationship (barring illeness or something drastic) and for that i am thankful.

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:05:56 AM)
thank you Simply Michael... i see so much similarity between what you have said and our situation. He was very hurt a long time ago in a relationship in which the girl cheated on Him and the control of this type of relationship is important to Him. He is naturally that way though so it fits... thank you for stating it clearly...i hadn't thought of it in that way before...that perhaps His needs are being met in a more healthy way and He doesn't feel the constant need to exert control over things because we are very in sync...we both have our needs met for the most part...except i would like more playtime!! what i have to remember though is when we are together, He goes to work all day while i am here waiting for Him...i am full of energy when He comes home, and He is ready to just fall into my arms for a massage! (when He came home last night i gave Him a full body massage before dinner and gave Him peace and quiet...i think that may be why He was more playful last night?) perhaps i pressure the situation with my expectations and He experiences His own version of reactance?? hmmm...regardless, i will work on ways to express my needs without criticising or demanding... :)

Vanatru -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:07:01 AM)
ugh! I can't remember who made the thread, but a guy started this post about doms getting lazy with doing the play, and that doms need to be disciplined and schedule in play time (like once a week) and make sure it happens whether the dom may have felt "in the mood" at the time, that actually getting into play will also wind up putting him in the mood. There is something else I'm seeing that hasn't been addressed as well: attitude of the sub/slave. I'm hearing a lot of HE's not doing this for ME. You'd get a lot more play if you were stimulating him with your words and actions (and I'm not just talking about when you feel horney here). Also, nothing turns me off more to play if the girl's reason for play is all about her, what's done to her, and she just lays there expecting the guy to get her off.

SailingBum -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:24:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Has your master read your profile? Doesn't it state that you are searching for 'The One'? If he's not it, maybe he doesn't feel like playing, Idk.. That is what your profile said and it was written a couple months ago. And yet you state here you have been going out for 14 months. Do you see where Im going with this??? Something is not adding up. BadOne

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:32:13 AM)
thank you Vanatru... well...i suppose you are hearing alot of 'me' and 'He' stuff in the post because the post is about us! :) i am not demanding of Him in that way and i do what it takes to make Him happy. i can get myself off if that was all it was about!! yes, i want to please Him and make Him feel happy...just sometimes i want to do it in different ways...He is very easy to please actually...keep His physical needs in mind with massage, tickling and touch, food/drink, tv or movie and lots of affection, hugs etc...but is it selfish to want Him to express some interest in other play at times? bondage...etc...its not that 'He isn't doing this for me...', it is 'this isnt happening much anymore and i miss it...' hmm..points to ponder..

alandraofMists -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:34:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess hello :) my Dom and i have been together for roughly 14 months and it seems the closer we become emotionally and deeper we bond, the more 'vanilla' our relationship becomes...while i enjoy taking care of Him and pampering Him in the way He enjoys i also want more 'play'. He is not very strict with me...i dont have many protocols to follow...He seems happy just to have me here to snuggle and watch movies with...what is a girl to do? i get alot of love and attention but desperately crave sex and more exploration of bdsm themes...bondage, discipline, etc.... can anyone who has experienced this on either side please tell me what is happening to our relationship?? Just because it is feeling more vanilla does not mean it is becoming more vanilla in your relationship. As you become more used to the ways he wishes you to do things they do not feel as hard to do... thus feel more vanilla. I have gone through these feelings a time or two... what I have done in the past was write out a list of all the things I do that follow his will... from the smallest things to spcific protocals for play and BSDM events. This list would include things I did because I knew his prefences and his pet peeves. Really think about all the little things that you used to do differently and have changed to what he wishes. I know I was surprised the first time I did this as I came up with over two pages of things that felt prefectly normal and vanilla for me to do that were really things I had changed to suit his will. Look at your relationship from a different veiw and you might be able to see that there is still alot D/s happening that just has the feel of vanilla because of the ease in which you have incorperated it into you life. quote: do i have to be a bad girl to get Him to react? Talk to him and express what you are feeling and show him your lists" if you have done them" and let him know that you would like to incoperate more aspects of D/s into your daily life. In my opinion BDSM is the play scenes, D/s is how we interact with each other within the relationship and on a daily basis. Knight's Alandra

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:50:30 AM)
SailingBum... i do not wish to have negative banter back and forth but what EXACTLY are you insinuating? that because He and i have been together for 14 months i cannot have a profile that was written in december stating i am looking for the One? my profile says i am WITH the One...or are you saying that i must be taking up valuable posting space on this forum because something doesn't add up to YOU? omg!! sometimes, a question posted on a forum is just that...sheesh also, consider that you do not know the ins and outs of my relationship. i was asking a question that i wanted an answer to for my own understanding and was hoping that people a little more seasoned and knowlegeble in the lifestyle could answer for me. i had many insightful replies both here and to my mailbox and i appreciate them. i even appreciate the 'less than comfortable' replies which suggested i may be part of my own problem because they gave me something to think about...but honestly, for people to take time to imply that something doesn't add up with my profile suggests some people have too much time on their hands. life isn't a conspiracy unless you make it out to be one! (ps...i work in a place full of REAL crime and conspiracy...) golden rule...if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 8:57:46 AM)
thank you alandraofMists! you put perfectly into words what He and i discussed last night...i asked if He noticed the dynamics of our relationship had changed a bit...He said no, the dynamics have not changed but the need for reminding, reprimands and punishments had changed because i was more used to doing things the way He expects them to be. i thought about it and it is true. i know what He expects and how things are to be done so i do them that way and don't get into trouble! but sometimes i 'like' trouble...tee hee hee...so at times there is an urge to be bad...or a brat...but since He has a lot of Daddy qualities, He tends to laugh it off unless i push too far...and trust me, i have learned that boundary well!! i won't behave badly to try to get Him to behave in a certain way....because that only makes Him think i am not learning how to properly behave...and it pushes Him away...i think i will try your suggestion about the lists...and maybe even show Him! would it be wrong to state my hopes in my journal (which He reads) and let Him decide what to do about it?? :)

SailingBum -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 1:21:31 PM)
I made my point end of story sheesh get over yourself. BadOne

Leatherist -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/20/2008 6:33:19 PM)
Girls who want me to play with them need to create alongside me. I'm not going to feel terribly motivated by a little do-nothing princess who expects me to do all of the work, for something I can get with my hand.

ExtremeOwnerIL -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/21/2008 7:44:47 AM)
-fast reply- All relationships and associations go through ebbs and flows. They evolve. If they don't, then that's a dead relationship. I think that it's important for the Top-types to remember, when they have an intimate emotional relationship with their bottom-types, that there's additional reasons that the bottom-type fell in love - not just for their sparkling personality, but also because they fulfilled a need/desire that was also attractive. So if the bottom-type is a masochist - then it's an act of love, so to speak, to hurt them - it's part of the chemistry. I could just be that twisted to see it that way, but it helps me. Regards, EO

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