RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla??

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 11:43:57 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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If you're talking D/s; then I don't get corrections for not following his rules because I now do them automatically, out of habit. That doesn't mean he's become lazier, it means that I'm following the rules which are important to him, not to others.

If he had to invent ten new rules every month just to make me happy, that would be wrong. These rules are the only ones that he cares about.

What happens when you start following and making things habitual is that you get penalized for being good. Think about it, as long as we mess up and need further training, we get all this lovely attention. We become good and we get ignored. Ouch!
What is needed here is a higher level of what I like to call random acts of dominance. You bend over to make the bed and you get a quick spank. He comes up from behind you and puts his arm around your throat dragging you back against him. You get in the car and he tweaks a nipple hard in the parking lot when nobody else is about.

Fitting three hour blocks of time to play in is hard. A one minute bit of fun is easy. Just like they say about exercise, do a ten minute walk three times a day if you can't do a half hour all at once. Fit things in when you can. But that may take a while for him to incorporate if he's never thought about play in those terms. So incite it. Bite his earlobe lightly and tell him how hot you are, how much you want a spanking. Wave a spoon in the air while cooking and and smile wickedly, murmuring you can think of better things to do with it instead of stirring spaghetti.

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 1:38:37 PM

antipode

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Hate to tell ya, but there are a lot of men (more so, I believe, than women) who use the BDSM space as a way of getting into a vanilla relationship, almost as if they're incapable of, or not bothered with, courtship and the like. Has it occurred to you you snagged one of those? He went through the motions and is now getting to who he really is...

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 5:54:27 PM

SirDragon1961

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He dips;

I like your perspective antipode, I'd never looked at L/s that way.. You have a good point here that would be applicable to some.

For the O/P; one could question your emotional stability or life experience. Your early comment that you are 'used to drama' or similar is not consistant with a healthy relationship in my view. Relationships (24/7 and nilla 'live in' in particular) evolve with naturing towards the deeper connection. This connection sweeps away the previous need one may have for 'drama' like they have experienced in the past but is very unsettling in the evolution. I believe I understand why you have posted.
(I was surprised by your responses to SailingBum but putting that aside) Perhaps your D has a big plan in mind for you- one that He is not willing to divulge but is well considered and applicable for you (consider 'drama'). Everytime you question Him allows Him to modify His planning and He is grateful for you input to this. 24/7 is not all about BDSM but sharing the 'waves of the day' and meeting each other's complex needs which can be very fulfilling drama in itself.

Mist's alandra was spot on and you have made more communication with your One.

I wish you well.
Warm regards SirDragon (ex Driver).

< Message edited by SirDragon1961 -- 2/21/2008 5:56:46 PM >

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 6:31:31 PM

Leatherist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

Hate to tell ya, but there are a lot of men (more so, I believe, than women) who use the BDSM space as a way of getting into a vanilla relationship, almost as if they're incapable of, or not bothered with, courtship and the like. Has it occurred to you you snagged one of those? He went through the motions and is now getting to who he really is...

Yep, could be a bait and switch. Been known to happen from boths sides.

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 6:51:10 PM

feelthesensation

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I, too went through that. My pet and I were just that in the beginning -Master and pet. We got married and have children which does make it harder. I should point out that we were 24/7. As you can imagine, it is hard to do 24/7 with children especially as they get older and stay up later. I think that has been a contributing factor in our situation. I'm at the point where we're trying to become less vanilla although 24/7 will still be difficult.

While I don't have an answer, I've been there and am now working to more fully restore the Master/pet relationship.

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 6:55:11 PM

Kirren

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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Tell him exactly that..... you say he loves you....so then he will listen. But no...love does NOT have to lessen the BDSM or M/s dynamic.

I know this is the "ask a Master" forum, and while I may lack the physical quality needed to answer this, I still found it to be an intresting topic...and I have to agree here...

Love and trust are two of the prime elements I think would be needed for a strong BDSM relationship...I mean...honestly....you are asking this man to tie you up and do things to you that the "normal" world would be jaw dropped at...

I would think that the ONLY person you would want to do these things would be some one that you love and that loves you in return...they would be more likely to look out for what you need and what you can deal with and can not.

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/21/2008 8:37:30 PM

YourDomNow

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Have to agree with Jeff as well...emotional bond is something to me thats required....mentally as well.....
The more communication that is involved in an M/s or D/s, the more rewarding it should be.

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RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? - 2/22/2008 6:44:42 AM

alandraofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: urlittleprincess

i won't behave badly to try to get Him to behave in a certain way....because that only makes Him think i am not learning how to properly behave...and it pushes Him away...i think i will try your suggestion about the lists...and maybe even show Him! would it be wrong to state my hopes in my journal (which He reads) and let Him decide what to do about it??

:)

Writting what you are missing and craving in your relationship in your journal is a way that you can express to him that information while leaving the choice of what to do with that information in his hands. Masters/Tops are not mind readers they do not always see the little things as we see them.

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Post #: 48