does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (Full Version)

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urlittleprincess -> does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 11:47:49 AM)

hello  :)

my Dom and i have been together for roughly 14 months and it seems the closer we become emotionally and deeper we bond, the more 'vanilla' our relationship becomes...while i enjoy taking care of Him and pampering Him in the way He enjoys i also want more 'play'.  He is not very strict with me...i dont have many protocols to follow...He seems happy just to have me here to snuggle and watch movies with...what is a girl to do?  i get alot of love and attention but desperately crave sex and more exploration of bdsm themes...bondage, discipline, etc....

can anyone who has experienced this on either side please tell me what is happening to our relationship??  do i have to be a bad girl to get Him to react? 



breatheasone -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 11:50:15 AM)

Tell him exactly that..... you say he loves you....so then he will listen. But no...love does NOT have to lessen the BDSM or M/s dynamic.



whenstarscollide -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 11:56:29 AM)

i would say not necessarily. if anything, emotional attachment enhances submission.

then again, i can only speak from personal experience. i know that when i am bottoming for someone who is say, just and acquaintance, i listen to what my body tells me, and can only take so much pain. if and/or when there is something more, say close friendship or romantic feelings, i stop listening to what my body says and go as far above and beyond my normal tolerance as i can. the submission is deeper, b/c i am doing it for their enjoyment - not necessarily (or specifically) for my own.

now, i have no idea how this plays in with dominants cause, well, i'm a sub, but i would think (or at least hope) that it would be much the same way. everyone get's into a funk once and a while, and the dynamics of relationships change over time - that is natural. if you are unhappy with it, your best bet is to talk to him about it. you don't want those negative thoughts and emotions to build up over time and cause you to do something you might regret later (i.e. be a bad girl).

anywho, that's my two cents. and good luck with everything ^_^



Jeffff -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 11:57:31 AM)

I don't think that is uncommon. Most men are raised to "respect" women. That usually means not beating them and calling them dirty little whores. It is often easier to, "abuse" someone you don't care about. It was an issue for me at first too. I suppose I would recommend talking and patience. He needs to know that using you is showing his how much he cares. After all, you only hurt the ones you love..:)

Jeff



TheAwfulTruth -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:03:20 PM)

Totally with Jeff on that one, not much to add except utter aggreement



urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:03:28 PM)

thank you for your replies ladies...i feel very submissive to Him and i suppose His training has worked well as i no longer need much in the way of correction/punishment.  my submission is not the issue.  i suppose to be more clear with my question i should rephrase it.  im not sure how to say it exactly, but when 'feelings' grow in the relationship, do some Dominant men focus more on the affection/loveydovey stuff as opposed to the bdsm part of the relationship?  i miss the stronger protocols...i miss the experimental play with chains, etc...i feel like we just snuggle, hold hands and are basically a vanilla couple with alot of respect thrown in for good measure...

<sigh> 



toservez -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:08:01 PM)

This is common just like Jeff described very nicely. It is natural to think of others just like we are ourselves and dominants can be no different as well. They do things or ask things of you they would never do, enjoy or get positive experiences from even if they cause significant suffering so it can be a natural reaction to lay off of them the more they care for someone.

I truly believe the hardest thing a dominant has to overcome is to truly understand and accept that a submissive is wired very differently in these types of things.

It can be overcome but takes effort from both sides and communication. Parts of most power exchange relationships have rituals, rules and discipline. Even if people do not call them that or they are nurtured by being hidden within play time or daily life that one has just has become normal to everyone.

Talk to him and communicate your needs in these areas and work with him to understand and accept what you need and are about. Being nice in a regular thing is one thing being too nice in the power exchange aspects can be actually be mean.



BBWnNC72 -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:09:06 PM)

hello,

i am finding i am in the same situation. though with mine, we started out with Him being my trainer, now things have changed.  i to want the vanilla aspects but want more of the bdsm and D/s aspects that were there before we bacame very close emotionally.




urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:12:45 PM)

thank you Jeffff and TheAwfulTruth... :)  what you said makes total sense...He does treat me with respect...He will spank me just for fun but i have to be 'really' bad for Him to get the canes out...actually, a little while ago He told me He can't stand to see me cry due to emotional pain (physical is something different... ;)) and told me that when i cry, He cries....this hasn't changed how i view Him, but it did let me see another part of Him. its like lately His emotional walls have come down a bit and i can see 'Him'.  He isn't this invincible man who i used to almost fear, He is a person with feelings...He is very affectionate with me in public and private and is more demonstrative with me around His family now too!  i guess i am reacting to normal little changes? 

thank you toservez  :)  it all makes sense when put into perspective by others who may have experienced or have seen others go through similar experiences...He still plays a little...He knows i love my hair to be pulled, so when watching tv He might play with my hair then pull it...and lately He discovered He even likes me to pull His a bit! lol  (not aggressively tho)  i guess our relationship is going through some changes...i hate change!!  you are right though, we do have our routines, rules and disciplines...but they are so normal now that they do not 'feel' intense and dramatic like they did in the beginning.  i am too young to feel like a comfortable pair of shoes in a relationship though...and the drama to me means spark, excitement!!  <sigh>



Jeffff -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:13:48 PM)

This kinda thing tends to work itself out if it is meant to. Not everyone is for everyone. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality.That why there is always a whiny. " I can't find anyone" thread. It is hard enough to match vanilla likes and dislikes. Toss some kink on top of it and it becomes harder.

Jeff



lusciouslips19 -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:24:00 PM)

Ever tried being a sarcastic brat? [:D]



urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:27:43 PM)

well Jeffff....i guess He and i are lucky because we are very compatible for the most part!  perhaps there is a time when a couple focuses on the more mundane vanilla aspects of life for a while?  i must admit that He is under a lot of pressure at work and when we are together in the evenings or weekend, i am His respite as He is mine...i take care of Him and this time allows Him to unwind and relax and allows me to show Him my love...thank you for helping me put some things in perspective...or at least begin to do so...

just a side note...a friend of mine was going through some similar feelings as i have had.  her master was very laid back and not 'controlling' enough for her liking.  they broke up a month ago and she immediately found a new man.  unfortunately he is extremely high protocol, and severe in his approaches.  her original master has taken her back, forbidden her to contact the other man, and is dealing with a broken and sad girl right now.  so...moral of the story...watch what you wish for as you just might get it...she will be ok, but she no longer is curious about some of the darker aspects of bdsm...

tee hee hee lusciouslips19!  i can be sarcastic at times...and a brat too...but i know how far i can push it with Him...He laughs at my brattiness most of the time, but sometimes just a look from Him will stop me in my tracks...oh, i love that look!!!  :)



Goddess007 -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:28:00 PM)

I just had to reply to this one.  After a weekend with My sub, I just had to tell him I love him for the first time.  I immediately started crying(and, no I don't look at that as a chink in My armor!)  Anyway, I had been feeling a bit insecure about his mainly service-oriented role, wondering if the occasional beatings and things were doing it for him.  he responded that he was happy knowing I am the boss and lives for taking care of Me.  I think the dilemma I was facing stems from time spent together.  you can't ALWAYS be in full role, which is why symbolism is important.  W/we wear our Mistress/slave rings, i.e., to serve as a constant reminder.  The number one most important thing, though, is that I have enough faith in him to know he would tell Me if he was feeling under-used.  And I am secure enough in Myself to take suggestions.  I don't think yours would mind your subtly introducing a new implement, say, or being extra accomodating for the day.  Sometimes small gestures are all it takes to get those gears going again...
regards



kinkypuppy2 -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:31:41 PM)

all relationships go threw cycles.. ask him for a nice sit down and talk about it..



SteelofUtah -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:31:44 PM)

I am married to my slave.

Love, Yes it changes things. In terms that The Obey or Leave Concept that we started with when we started our journey together as Master and slave is less strict than it used to be.

I see it in terms of this, I no longer feel the need to have her surrender her will to me because I know she already belongs to my by her own choice. Because of this I don't feel the need to have her prove to me her devotion.

There are times when I am perhaps to lack in my desires and she is not getting what she needs from our arangement and the key here is for her to be as Transparent as possible to me and tell me she feels she needs a spanking of nasty hardcore pornstar sex, and then it is my desire to give her the things she needs because she really does need them.

I hope you speak to your Master about this because chances are he isn't as aware of your needs at this point, I know that the more that I love my girl the less aware I am that needs are not being met because she wants so badly just to make me happy that she forgets to admit that she wouldlike that spanking of that session.

As good as some of us are Most of us aren't mind readers. Just talk to your Sir and I am sure you will see a change for the better.

As Always

Steel



urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:37:11 PM)

thank you Goddess007...

it is good to know that people are people and have insecurities to deal with. He has told me some of His insecurities and i dont know why but i always look at Him with wide eyes in amazement that my invincible Dom is a man...tee hee hee...i adore Him!  He seems to be all about 'couple building' these days...doing things together...but He loves the 'services' i provide as well...cleaning His home, or cooking...basically taking care of Him and His needs. 

while i feel loved and cherished though, there is a part of me that still needs to be used or punished or whatever without obvious regard for my feelings...i dont know if that makes sense?? 



sweetwenchie -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:38:30 PM)

that makes perfect sense to me.  i need that being used feeling as well.  Just how some people are wired.



urlittleprincess -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:42:50 PM)

thank you Steel...

that makes total sense...He probably thinks i am as happy and satisfied as He is...because He is!  :)  i will definitely bring it up with Him...not sure how or when...but i will...i definitely need that nasty pornstar spanking but i would trade it for a good hug just now!  sometimes i feel like His favorite peice of art or furniture...He is happy just having me on the couch beside or curled in front of Him...or on the floor at His feet...  :) 

whew, thank you for that sweetwenchie!  im glad others out there know and agree with how i feel.  :)



xxblushesxx -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 12:56:40 PM)

Has your master read your profile?
Doesn't it state that you are searching for 'The One'?
If he's not it, maybe he doesn't feel like playing, Idk..



Jeffff -> RE: does emotional attachment reduce D/s to vanilla?? (2/19/2008 1:01:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Has your master read your profile?
Doesn't it state that you are searching for 'The One'?
If he's not it, maybe he doesn't feel like playing, Idk..


Figures.....such is the price I pay for being serious......[8D]

Jeffwey



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