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Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 5:16:34 AM

colouredin

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I was having a conversation with Sir yesterday about various things and he said that he thinks i run away from submission, I he said that he believes I am submissive by nature but that i fight it. Now this got me thinking firstly of course I am pretty sure that this is his way of getting me to try harder. At the same time I am aware that self presevation has meant that I havent thrown myself totally in yet, I know that I will in time but its a trust thing isnt it. I know that once I admit to myself that I am fully his then thats it for me, he will be all I think about etc, and though of course thats what I want its a big thing and i guess i have a mild internal conflict about it and fear of getting emotionally hurt of course.

I was wondering if anyone else feels this way? I am sure that I havent explained it very well for fear of flaming and "your not a true submissive" replies but hopefully someone will understand what I mean and say it more eloquantly.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 5:43:54 AM

Dnomyar

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I understand what your saying. It is probably the reason that I don't have a permanet submissive. Something inside is locked in its box and I have to find the person with the key to it.

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Post #: 2

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 5:53:39 AM

schoenekitty

Posts: 44
Joined: 8/7/2007
From: Marina del Rey, CA
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I can totally understand what you're going through. I've been burned really badly in vanilla relationships. I allowed a man to control me in a non D/s sense and ended up losing a lot of friends (as well as the opportunity to see my mother before she died). All that coupled with the fact that my first partner scorned my interest in D/s and BDSM made my acceptance of my submissive nature very difficult. I fought, and believe me I fought hard. Reading many of the posts on cm left me fearful and I worried that I would never have the strength to give myself over completely. And finally, one day I was able to. All it takes is time (the amount of which is contingent on the person- it's been almost a year since master and I began our relationship and I have just recently found acceptance). I don't know if this is helpful- sometimes it just feels nice to know you're not alone.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 6:19:33 AM

xxblushesxx

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I can certainly relate to what you are saying.
I haven't figured out how to fix it though. Sorry.

~Christina

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 6:45:03 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: schoenekitty

I can totally understand what you're going through. I've been burned really badly in vanilla relationships. I allowed a man to control me in a non D/s sense and ended up losing a lot of friends (as well as the opportunity to see my mother before she died). All that coupled with the fact that my first partner scorned my interest in D/s and BDSM made my acceptance of my submissive nature very difficult. I fought, and believe me I fought hard. Reading many of the posts on cm left me fearful and I worried that I would never have the strength to give myself over completely. And finally, one day I was able to. All it takes is time (the amount of which is contingent on the person- it's been almost a year since master and I began our relationship and I have just recently found acceptance). I don't know if this is helpful- sometimes it just feels nice to know you're not alone.

Yeah thats very much how I feel, in nilla relationships everytime I have decided to give it a go its resulted in my being hurt. Its like each one added a solid coating around me that I have to consiously let drop. My only quasi-real D/s relationship I put everything into it and felt like it was all me I did it all for nothing. I let myself get into that position and when I had lost him it was literally like I lost part of my self so I guess It can only make you more wary.

< Message edited by colouredin -- 2/22/2008 7:05:16 AM >

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 6:57:39 AM

juliaoceania

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The first Ds relationship I was involved in I had many of the feelings that you speak of. For me it was a matter of accepting who I was in the context of a relationship with someone else. It did not go all that well to be honest.

I am much more content and at peace with all of that in the relationship I now enjoy. I think this is because he does not make comments about my submissiveness so much... we just "are". The growth of trust probably has something to do with this difference too.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 7:16:34 AM

schoenekitty

Posts: 44
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From: Marina del Rey, CA
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Yep I definately understand the hard coating... This is my first D/s relationship which may have made it even harder to put myself completely into it. It's hard enough to love and trust someone without giving up all of yourself to that person. I think you just need to have faith (in your relationship), give it time, and keep working at it and talking with him. It may be difficult but it's worth it- this is the happiest, most loving and complicated and difficult and fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. Good luck- and if you ever want to talk about it more I'm here (I may be inexpereienced but I'm a friendly ear :-p).

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Post #: 7

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 7:18:54 AM

tnkgrrl

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I understand what you are saying completely. I am new to my relationship and I fight alot. Pi, my owner, and I have talked about it alot. He knows it's a part of who I am, that I will always fight. But he expects that of me, and he accepts that it is a part of me. I will fight, and I can fight, but I am still his. I feel safer knowing he can accept a part I can't even accept. Not sure if that helps, but just my experience.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 7:44:49 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: schoenekitty

Yep I definately understand the hard coating... This is my first D/s relationship which may have made it even harder to put myself completely into it. It's hard enough to love and trust someone without giving up all of yourself to that person. I think you just need to have faith (in your relationship), give it time, and keep working at it and talking with him. It may be difficult but it's worth it- this is the happiest, most loving and complicated and difficult and fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. Good luck- and if you ever want to talk about it more I'm here (I may be inexpereienced but I'm a friendly ear :-p).

Thankyou very much, it certainly is nice to know that I am not the only person to feel this way, its hard when you are working out where you are and so afraid that you are going to get it all wrong (or that everyone will tell you that you are getting it wrong) so thanks :D

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Post #: 9

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 7:45:26 AM

crouchingtigress

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the samurai have a saying..."today is a good day to die" what it means is embrace the worst possible outcome...accept it...and then throw yourself in to your life fearlessly and with abandon.

that would be my advice.

you will get hurt, love hurts, , there will be fights , tears, and growth and one of you will eventually die......dont hold back...because not being loved and not loving hurts just as much just in differnt ways.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 7:51:56 AM

StormsSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

the samurai have a saying..."today is a good day to die" what it means is embrace the worst possible outcome...accept it...and then throw yourself in to your life fearlessly and with abandon.

that would be my advice.

you will get hurt, love hurts, , there will be fights , tears, and growth and one of you will eventually die......dont hold back...because not being loved and not loving hurts just as much just in differnt ways.

Tigress: Beautifully said. Life is short...live it now before it's too late.

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Post #: 11

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 8:04:39 AM

Dnomyar

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Today is a good day to die only if it is sunny and 85 degrees out with a slight breeze.

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 8:22:09 AM

vield

Posts: 354
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Interesting twists here, and the original question is one that most of us face if we progress to the point where we begin to understand what true and deep submission means to us personally.
At that point we may or may not be ready to take the next step, but we really feel the emotional strain upon us. This is where we begin to understand that play and real submission are very different from each other.
It is smart to be as sure as we can before taking that plunge.
If I feel a Domme's charisma and power makes me crave to fall to my knees and obey as she wishes, I still may not be ready to do this with her.
For me it feels like I am at the edge of a slope where I can not see the bottom. I can only see that there is one step down in view, and there is no guarantee I can ever get back if I take that step and then change my mind. Until I KNOW I totally trust that Domme to keep me safe, I am not ready to take that step just because she tells me to.
When I do take the step, I then either know this was totally right or I realize I was not truly ready. The result of the step may be the same in both cases, good or bad, but at this point of having taken thhat step I usually know if I was ready or was anticipating too much.
Knowing this "edge" in submitting to someone truly has helped me very much in calming and building trust and respect with those women who need to submit to me, too.
I do not know about the day to die thing relating to Samurai, but I know it has been a very important part of the religion and philosophy of many Native Americans. My understanding there is that death is a natural part of life, and if one lives fully and well this natural occurance was supposed to be nothing to fear.
I believe that in the Samurai teachings death was as light as a feather and duty was the center of one's life and needs and was the weight of a mountain. Death to achieve duty was honorable and welcomed by many, death as a sacrifice to atone for failure of duty was often necesary but that death as a goal was not good.
It may be useful to remember that many Samurai were Buddist, so to them death brings re-incarnation as a different being, depending on one's merit in past lives.
I believe both of these philosophies were more about living NOW and fully and accepting what happens, rather than expecting the worst.

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Post #: 13

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 8:54:03 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
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When i first started out i did not want to face the fact i was submissive. I look back now and think why did i waste so much time fighting it. It will take some time and you are right trust. I think everyone has been hurt at one time, i was. You have to trust enough to open yourself up to your Master and trust he will not hurt you. I know it will be hard but if you want the joys of submission you will have to risk to gain even more. I wish you well.

Matt's littleone

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Post #: 14

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 8:59:34 AM

Leatherist

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You know, it really does help if he at least has a life plan and positive goals to work towards. I think a lot of Doms make the mistake of being too ego centric. (not saying that yours is)

And just focusing on an individual does become taxing after a while. Having some mutual zeal over righteously cool life progress can be an ultimate high.

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Post #: 15

RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 9:04:20 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Most fight in the beginning. Even though emotionally and intellectual it's what they've always wanted- they still have to train themselves to have the experience and to trust that it's ok and that it really IS happening. Specially if you get into this later in life, you've had decades of NOT having it and NOT being able to trust it, so of course it takes time to get relaxed into the new situation.

Of course you also have to deal with the question of whether you think you really are fighting or resisting, or are you just using good sense and thus may be threatening to a dom who can't handle scrutiny and us thus trying to get you to doubt yourself and ignore his issues?

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 9:26:31 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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Shitty of a Dom to say...you are not real..to a sub...and make her feel shit.....and beeing a sub..is not trying hard.... you are one or not..you can try to improve your services..not beeing a sub
(is she not real..or can't you control her?)

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 9:34:18 AM

newbee4u

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Its also shitty of a Dom to lead you on for months on end and then writes you off for no reason the week of meeting day.....

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 9:38:23 AM

Justme696

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From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
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quote:

ORIGINAL: newbee4u

Its also shitty of a Dom to lead you on for months on end and then writes you off for no reason the week of meeting day.....

mmm yes not a sexy way to act

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RE: Fighting submission - 2/22/2008 9:44:44 AM

newbee4u

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and that comment was for Sir hedonic....screw the poly life ...not worth the effort

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Post #: 20

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