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MaamJay -> RE: Am I expecting too much? (2/24/2008 12:33:33 AM)
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Well said Simply Michael. And I was also about to say well done to Drummerpunk for being so willing to listen, learn and grow ... not always an attribute I would associate with male in his early 20s (I've tried to teach many of them!). I am sure you have already realised you will always get your share of knocks here, and those who just can't help being flippant (and they can provide much-needed humour!), but you will also get some good solid advice. For My money, you had a dream ... and then you had the good sense to ask "Am I expecting too much?" Many don't manage to ask that of themselves ever!
It's not unreasonable to want the authority as LA suggested ... my Master has authority over what i wear, what i eat and drink, when i pee, whether i accept an invitation etc etc. However He doesn't choose to EXERCISE that authority all the time, that would prove to be totally exhausting. Instead W/we have general parameters of acceptance within which i operate ... i wear skirts every day by His choice ... but He rarely says which particular skirt i should wear. If i want to wear pants (cold weather (infrequent in the tropics!) or for an intended activity) i do have to ask for permission. Most times W/we discuss what W/we will eat and drink and i prepare it for Him ... He has final choice though He is careful to consider my dietary needs. The one bit of micromanagement He has chosen to maintain is request to pee ... that was to help me control my errant middle-aged bladder ... now He has better control over it than i do! He can whisper "no peeing until you are sitting on the toilet" and that immediately allows me to walk gracefully through the long shopping centre to the public loos without fear! However, even in that W/we are practical ... if He is away from the house or down the shed, i just go when i need to. It works!
I hope that practical example shows you that something of what you seek is indeed doable. But you really don't want to take on so much that you end up being "slave to the slave"! Also, there are some areas of control and authority that you shouldn't rush into. Fine to outline upfront that ultimately this is what you may want ... so the girl goes into the relationship with that knowledge ... but don't try to demand it all upfront. It took 3 years of living together 24/7 before i ceded financial control to Master ... and even now, 14 months on, He still checks with me about spending, especially when it is on something just for Him. He doesn't need to, i trust Him, but He considers it wise to have my input.
In other words, power exchange of the sort you are envisaging evolves over time and that is a big part of the joy. After all, if you have it all in the first week or month or even year ... what's to do for the rest of your lives? Take it slowly, it's much more fun!
People often talk about how this life can "develop the sub as a person" and don't talk enough of how it can also develop the Dominant. While I believe a Dominant needs to have most of His/Her shit together, with enough personal control to be wise and safe ... the best D/s relationship is where both benefit and grow as people. Classic case here on CM is Simply Michael ... it has been awesome to see Him move from His original cynicism and sharp-edged tongue to someone who gives excellent advice based on the warmth and depth of His experience with BSB ... she has done wonders for Him and I don't doubt that the reverse is also true. To that end OP, I see that you need to climb over a couple of hurdles yourself ... get yourself out and about and get over the shyness (it can be done, I am living proof!) ... remember you are not so incredibly important that everyone is noticing you and it gets much easier! Develop your social skills or you risk finding "the one" and her not being attracted to you! And while I think many people need to be needed, find other ways to have the need fulfilled, at least partially. Volunteer somewhere and you will quickly see how much you are needed. To place the sole responsibility for meeting that need on the shoulders of a slave would be a huge burden, as someone else suggested. It sets her up for failure. And it sets her up for dangerous co-dependency and being unable to care for herself should anything happen to you. Also unfair. Far better for her to have her own life which she chooses to share freely with you ... than have her living your life only. Or to put it a different way ... view life by both looking through 2 windows instead of squashing to both look through only one.
All the best, keep reading, keep asking, seek lots of people as mentors, and try to get out and meet people in real. We really are not so scary, and at events such as munches, are often more prepared than vanillas to welcome newbies and help them find their feet.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]
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