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Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 7:39:43 AM

KnightofMists

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Maybe we can focus on something alittle more positive. Time and again we see threads of individuals seeking advice in their trouble situations or relationships. They looking for help to fix it or make it better.

So instead, lets talk about good healthy strong relationships..... for all you individuals that are having a good relationship or have been in a such a relationship. ..... why do you think you have this good relationship? What lead you to this good relationship in the first place? What keeps the relationship good for you AND your partner(s). Do you see some common themes in good healthy strong relationships?

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 7:41:55 AM

CuriousLord

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Mutually fulfilled interests, attraction and bonds.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 7:43:54 AM

StormsSlave

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What a great thread!
Our relationship is amazing because we both deeply respect one another's limits and are able to be completely honest with ourselves and one another. We came into this relationship together because we communicate in ways that have nothing to do with words. What keeps it good for us is our ability to set each other before ourselves on a consistent basis. I am always seeking to do well for My Lord, and he for me.

The common threads we see in good relationships are honesty and respect, and a healthy dose of open communication. Like we say, the only time we get mad at what the other is saying is when they are right.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 7:44:20 AM

eyesopened

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Shared goals. Master and i are not equally yoked, He is my Master after all, but we are pulling in the same direction and i think that makes all the difference in the world.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:08:29 AM

TracyTaken

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

why do you think you have this good relationship?

No surprises. We talk a whole lot; we like many of the same things; we trust each other; we share each other's burdens; we have a lot fun together, even when doing mundane things.

quote:

What lead you to this good relationship in the first place?

It started as a crush and grew over a long time. Probably the best thing we did was move away to a place where neither of us had family or friends, so we stopped caring what family/friends thought and learned to rely on each other. The second best thing we did was break-up when it was becoming destructive for us both. The third best thing we did was reconcile after we both had learned a lot about ourselves and each other.

quote:

What keeps the relationship good for you AND your partner(s).

Talk a lot (share fears, joys, ambitions). Listen a lot. Play a lot (vanilla play too - make time for fun). Participate in each other's interests. Share burdens (both work and home problems, financial problems - share anger, grief, uncertainty, etc.) Both of us put effort into making the relationship strong, into making our home a private sanctuary, into helping each other grow and be happy being ourselves.

I asked my Dom. He said, "We have a good idea what each other is thinking and feeling. We enjoy each other's company and like being in each other's presence.

quote:

Do you see some common themes in good healthy strong relationships?

Yep. Note nothing in my answers involved sex or kink.

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Post #: 5

RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:10:54 AM

Mercnbeth

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We know ourselves. The commitment we made to each other came after a period of establishing trust and determining the integrity we had as individuals that would be brought into the relationship. That knowledge is the foundation of the confidence we have in each other to stand by that commitment.

We remain totally naked to the other. We enjoy (daily) being complimentary to the other's needs and desires. We don't fear our evolution and relish the thought of where our passions may take us. We are confident in each other and know that, although someday we may come up with something that could 'shock' each other, we will never disgust each other. As much as we may disgust others we aren't concerned about living by anyone else's standards.

We laugh and have fun with each other constantly. There is gratuitous frequent groping. We are each other's BEST friend.

Everything we do serves us. We are both 'slaves' to our relationship. Any decision made is based upon what is best for us. The bottom line - we are VERY selfish regarding us.

Oh yeah and one other thing - We LOVE each other very much. We each love the other more than we do ourselves. Together our love, our life, our passion, our fun, our joy, our laughter, exceeds any we knew as individuals. We 'work' because these things are true for us and they aren't 'work'.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:15:16 AM

TracyTaken

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Mercnbeth, I loved your whole post, but I especially loved this part:

quote:

Everything we do serves us. We are both 'slaves' to our relationship. Any decision made is based upon what is best for us. The bottom line - we are VERY selfish regarding us.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 7

RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:16:13 AM

Kana

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Kudos, KoM
Always seeking the high road

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:19:19 AM

salilus

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We communicate. We focus on each other and not what everyone else is doing or says is 'right.' The ground rules were always very clear. We don't let problems fester. We remember that we are both human and make mistakes and have weaknessness.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:24:45 AM

MsIncontrol

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This will be our 9th year together and we are still so much in love, in fact, we have never had one fight. Sure there are things we have disagreed about, but we always maintain the highest level of respect when dealing with those issues. There are days when I think I can never love him any more than I already do, and then it happens.

We chose wisely. We both knew what we wanted in a mate, what we didn't want in a mate and what we hoped the relationship to be like. And we waited until we found someone with shared attraction, shared interest and invested ourselves into the relationship deeply. Not that there weren't many play dates in between..he he he.

Yin and yang. My Domination to his submission. My talkativeness to his quietness. My excitement to his patience. And so it goes.

We make one another a priority above all us. We makes sure the things that our important to our relationship (BDSM, Weekend Getaways, alone time) take priority over work, family obligations and general mundane every day life.

I think relationships are very much like anything else in life. You get out what you put in. The harder you work at it, the more rewarding and more perfect final product you will achieve.

Thank you for this post!

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:30:47 AM

Justme696

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for me what makes things work is beeing open and honest from the start. To do this you have to be yourself..always. SO people know who you are.
HAving similar interest of course is nice.....but beeing different can be also interesting...it is nice to hear about different things.
Also important is to show..you have interest..in the person..and the relation....not let it happen from one side.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:36:31 AM

ChainedExistence

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First and foremost, we are committed to the relationship. He once said we needed to worship the relationship,and in a way it's true. You worship something you value, something that has significance to you and guides your everyday actions. This is the best relationship I've ever been in and because of that, I want to do everything I can to see that it continues.We expect to have a long and happy future together and to that end we are active in working on it. We listen to each other and that tends to eliminate most arguments. When there are problems we try to examine what is behind them instead of letting them go on until we have some big explosion. One thing we always try to do is " fight fair" and will call each other on something that goes beyond that. (Early on this was very difficult for both of us-he'd go on the verbal attack, and I'd get passively aggressive. Recognizing these patterns of behavior have helped us steer the conversation back to the problem at hand, and have led to mutually satisfying resolutions instead of ending with a winner, and a loser.) We are different enough to find each other utterly fascinating, but similar enough to push toward the same goals. We have similar views on D/s and how that dynamic should look and feel. We always feel like the other has something to teach us, and we both like to learn. We genuinely LIKE each other as well as deeply love each other. We share our joys and sorrows and take comfort in each other. We are best friends, red hot lovers, boyfriend and girlfriend, Master and slave and each of those roles tie us to the other. We want this to work, believe that it will work, and are committed to doing the work to sustain it.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:41:13 AM

SimplyMichael

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I have this relationship because the the universe felt I was ready and blessed me with one of their very own, a bright shining light of my very own. I also have her because I melt her heart with flowery words that are not empty but full of love and attention. I have this relationship because I have screwed up so many others to learn the lessons that allow me to make this one magical.

It really is magical on so many levels. Not because it is perfect, it isn't, but because we work together to overcome our individual issues and problems. She doesn't blame me, I don't blame her, we have made it clear to each other that we have expectations, what those expectations are but within that (and even at times, perhaps outside of them) we will work together no matter what.

Relationships are a funny balance, one needs healthy boundaries of what you will and will not accept, and yet breaking those limits for your partner at times can bring you closer. "Assume good intent" works if the person does indeed have good intent. Knowing when they do and don't is I guess how you decide if they are worth being with. I am being unclear but I can't quite put this into words. Knowing a partner is struggling to do good by you and is genuinely trying to get better and one who is just not going to change isn't always easy to know. It is one of those things you can't quite explain you just wake up one day and can tell. Sort of like how you just can't explain some things to a teenager but know they will understand later.

I think BSB is a more squared away person than I am. I am struggling with school/focus and she knows that. She works with me and it is the fact that I am honest with her and don't try and hide things that make it all work. In short, I am not sure which of us is more blessed with the other.

As for things I see that I think define healthy and unhealthy relationships?

When I see both partners fulfilled on a core level. For some that means staying at home watching the kids, creating a life around someone else. For others, it means both pursing some career goal.

When I see both partners being genuine with each other. When I see them set aside something they want to allow their partner something they value but I can sense that the one setting something aside is doing it because they are truly content in the relationship because their needs are getting met.

Most importantly when I see two people who could do or have anything and know it choose freely to be with someone. I don't do poly but when I see someone who is a second or third (a hard position) but who has genuinely chosen it because it works, say because she has a career and this allows her a relationship without the time required for a full time one. That they are in the relationship or situation because they want to be, not because it is a life preserver of some sort.

(in reply to eyesopened)

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 8:46:26 AM

sblady

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Thank you KnightofMists for starting such a wonderful post!!!! I'm going to love reading all the wonderful responses.

My relationship is fairly new but I can totally agree with the other posters. This is my first D/s relationship and also the only relationship where I've been totally naked. We communicate on so many levels and for me, this is a first. I discuss any and everything with Him....we have "respectful" debates, enjoy many of the same things, hate drama (although I tend to unintentionally cause a bit of drama now and again). Sometimes I'm surprised He hasn't picked up and ran quickly in the other direction because although I'm very submissive to Him, I can be a bit "much". Gotta have a lot of patience and nerves of steel to deal with this girl.

I'm gonna have a smile all day as I think of all the wonderful reasons why I have a great relationship.

(in reply to MsIncontrol)

Post #: 14

RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 9:03:37 AM

lateralist1

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Joined: 11/22/2006
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Lots of people are just too messed up to make good relationships even if they wanted to.
But first they have to want to.
I doubt many men actually want to.
For the ones that do it's easy because that's what most women need so they are prepared to give more to get what they need.
If you find yourself in a relationship that isn't working you have obvious choices. Try and make it work, leave it, or stick it out because the other two options seem impossible. A lot of people choose the third option to do nothing until something happens to change that.
They may try to get what they want/need on the side.
That's life as I know it.
Kink doesn't change the very nature of people.
For the few of us that are polyamorous it's about finding the right partners just like it is for monogomous people. Monogomy is easier to define though.
Presumably you would label yourself as polyamorous KnightofMists. However unless you are bi I doubt very much if you would want a male sub in your family.
I am bi but I still wouldn't want a fem sub in my poly family. If I had one that is.

(in reply to TracyTaken)

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 9:25:28 AM

tahlly

Posts: 57
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What an good question

Why do I think that I have this good relationship? Hmm, I have never stopped to wonder the why of it. I have been with my owner now for 4 years. Before my collaring, we gave ourselves a year to make sure that we were compatible and on the same ‘level’ in regards to what we wanted and needed. In that first year, there was a lot of friction as we learned more about each other and how we functioned together. Thankfully, we were able to work out the kinks so that our relationship just flowed naturally.

What lead me to this relationship in the first place? All the responsibility for this I can honestly lay at the feet of my owner. He pursued ME relentlessly; in the beginning I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. I found him arrogant, egotistical, a braggart, spoiled, and a bit of snob. He kind of grew on me though lol. Once he wore me down; I began to realize that we actually had a lot of things in common; he made me laugh, he made me smile, he made me cry; he made me happy.

What keeps the relationship good and healthy for us? I can not answer for him; but for me; its his willingness to listen to any small complaint that I may have; even if it’s just to get attention. It’s his ability to know when I am hiding something; when I need to say something; when I need a hug; when I need to be pushed into doing something. It’s his willingness to be there for ME that shows me that this is the right decision for me…that this relationship is good, it’s healthy, and it’s right.

Some common themes in good strong healthy relationships? I think the number one commonality would be respect for each other.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 9:56:01 AM

BlueHnS

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We laugh. We don't take ourselves to seriously. We send each other for " time outs " when ego gets in the way of reason. We talk. We have quiet time together. We have similar intrests and outside intrests and allow time for both. We allow the other to learn life's lessons by experiencing them instead of telling the other how it "should be done". We debate. We argue. We don't believe that everything is going to be perfect. We work together and independently for a common goal. We keep our promises. We don't blame each other when something goes wrong, we just fix it.
Did I mention, we laugh ...

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Questions are dangerous, for they have answers. ~ Kushiel's Dart
I think I'm going to get off. ~ The Poet

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 10:00:48 AM

stella41b

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Keeping the focus on what is. and not what isn't, could be, should be or may be.

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 10:15:45 AM

Paulsgirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Maybe we can focus on something alittle more positive. Time and again we see threads of individuals seeking advice in their trouble situations or relationships. They looking for help to fix it or make it better.

So instead, lets talk about good healthy strong relationships..... for all you individuals that are having a good relationship or have been in a such a relationship. ..... why do you think you have this good relationship? What lead you to this good relationship in the first place? What keeps the relationship good for you AND your partner(s). Do you see some common themes in good healthy strong relationships?

yes ok then if you insist.....
having been part of O/our transition from a perceived dysfunctional relationshup into a perceived functional one.....
in a word from my perspective: obedience
but i still might be back asking advice when it goes tits up again......
edited to add another word from His perspective: foregivness

< Message edited by Paulsgirl -- 2/24/2008 10:18:25 AM >

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~There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.~
Anais Nin

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RE: Why does it work? - 2/24/2008 10:15:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I'll add that I have always believed there's quite a large chunk of luck involved in this particular relationship. All the other necessary stuff aside- the self awareness, the compassion, the chemistry, the compatibility, LUCK is and was a huge factor.

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