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Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 2:38:21 PM

Morghan

Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I've recently been dealing with the serious illness of an uncle. We're talking about making funeral arrangments, he's that close to passing.

I have friends I talk to, and of course my family in regards to getting support. But my sub was fairly uncomfortable when I was having a hard time and getting teary eyed. He listened, and was available, he laid his head on my lap, and even cracked a joke or two as I got better at talking through the pain. And yet he could not make eye contact. I asked if he was having difficulty with my breaking down and he said yes.

I can understand this on an objective level. It can't be easy to see the one you look up to feeling vulnerable. Yet as I am human, it is going to happen. I'm certainly not the type to sniffle at the drop of a hat, but when I do loose my composure, I need support from somewhere. Ideally, I'd like a goodly part of that to be from my submissive.

Do you find you've had good luck or bad with emotional involvement in a D/s relationship? Some folks seem to feel that the more emotionally available the D and s are to each other, the less actual power exchange can exist. How do you merge the two needs, the need to be loved and supported and the need for power exchange and directive control?

Morghan

Post #: 1

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 2:46:46 PM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

My Owner and I are emotionally involved, on a romantic level. I've found that this makes our power exchange extremely strong. I can submit deeper and more fully because of the love and trust that we share. I do hate to see her upset, and the quickest thing to move me to tears is to see her looking unhappy after a hard day. That's not because seeing her emotionally vulnerable bothers me... It's just that I wish she'd never have a frown on her face. If I could magically make all of her worries go away, then I'd do anything to make it happen...

Of course, I'm realistic. Bad things will happen... When that happens, all I can do is be there for her to the very best of my abilities. She can control me completely, utterly...and we can still love and support one another as strongly as any other couple could. Nothing small or catastrophic can really alter the power dynamic we have. It's always present and she's still firmly in control when she's at a bad place emotionally. Her humanity is her best part, after all. Being a slave to a robot wouldn't be too fun...even though I'm sure there's a kink for that.

DV's Fox

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 2

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 3:00:30 PM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline

I recently had to learn that showing my emotions did not make me weak. Being able to communicate how I am feeling, even if it is not happy, and tell my boy what it is I want/expect I believe has made us closer, and our relationship stronger. I think I thought he would lose respect for me if I let my walls down. The exact opposite happened. I know every relationship is different, and when it is an LTR in vanilla and D/s it is impossible NOT to show emotions. No matter how strong I am, there are times that I am sad, tired, frustrated, disappointed, etc. and he is learning how to be supportive, without in any way making me feel he is undermining our positions. It continues to allow the relationship to grow - and builds trust - me showing I can communicate and confide about my feelings, and him to show me he can be supportive, compassionate without ever making me feel weakened by allowing him to see "ALL" of me.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to Shawn1066)

Post #: 3

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 3:25:59 PM

MissHarlet

Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline

Perhaps the discomfort is more from not being able to make it all better for you and that makes the submissive feel like they have failed rather than being uncomfortable seeing you vulnerable.... It is confusing for the submissive at times when they are so used to makeing life easier for you and to suddenly be confronted with the fact there are things they cant make better ..... at least not in a visible way...... Sometimes they put us up on such a high pedestal that it is hard to see us sway in the wind....

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 4

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 4:32:24 PM

AFlyInYourWeb

Posts: 284
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

Do you find you've had good luck or bad with emotional involvement in a D/s relationship? Some folks seem to feel that the more emotionally available the D and s are to each other, the less actual power exchange can exist. How do you merge the two needs, the need to be loved and supported and the need for power exchange and directive control?

My luck with emotional involvement has been good to the point that I'd shy away from involvement with anyone with whom there was no chance of it.

There are times in a LTR where one has to "break out" from one's submissive role in order to fulfill an emergency emotional need of the Domina. It takes experience and judgement to develop a "sixth sense" for when the Domina needs a submissive, versus when she needs her Significant Other to set aside his own expectations of the Domina and be supportive of her as a woman.

He has to understand that you are always a woman first, and his Mistress second.

Start by asking yourself: what did I need him to do differently? Then tell him what you needed and why. Give him permission to do so. If necessary, give him a "reverse safeword" that, when uttered by you, means "I need you a different way right now".

_____________________________

Stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=334308
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http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=336666
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(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 5

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 5:50:33 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Let's face it, many men are clueless when it comes to crying women--especially THEIR crying women. Guys live to fix problems (I have this wisdom straight from guys!) and dealing with a real life tragedy is not a quick fix, it's a long and uncomfortable process. It could be that your sub was just uncomfortable with what was happening, and it had nothing to do with his dom losing face.

My sympathy goes out to you in this difficult time! I've been there a lot! Lean on your sub, it's one of the things he is there for. You are the dom, whether you are perky, playful, feverish, grief stricken, or whatever. Be yourself, and take care of yourself.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 6

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 5:58:13 PM

KatsClaws12

Posts: 62
Joined: 4/24/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

Perhaps the discomfort is more from not being able to make it all better for you and that makes the submissive feel like they have failed rather than being uncomfortable seeing you vulnerable.... It is confusing for the submissive at times when they are so used to makeing life easier for you and to suddenly be confronted with the fact there are things they cant make better ..... at least not in a visible way...... Sometimes they put us up on such a high pedestal that it is hard to see us sway in the wind....

I have to agree here...I know My girl lives to make Me happy, and when it comes down to it, when I have a hard time and there is NOTHING she can do...she simply goes into a mental spaz...for lack of a better term.

I have had her to do actualizations so that she realizes that she can not be responsible for things she can not control, and this helps her to sit quietly and just listen, then offer a hug or a kiss...and she also seems to be less consumed with the newness of our relationship... She is very intuitive, and knows when I am in a funk, but instead of constantly apologizing or trying to strain herself to make it better, she just steps back and realizes that I have to deal in My own way.

It sounds to Me like your boy may be wanting to do the same thing, but feels like he would be abandoning you. Try telling him that you appreciate it, and that you need him, but if he cant deal thats okay too...you cant deal and its not expected that he should know what to do when you dont.

As to if it effects the power exchange...I have seen cases where it does, but more commonly I find that once you fully understand the way a person things, and the mental things that they go thru, then you learn how to be a better Domme to them. And in turn they learn how to be a better sub to you...

Edited due to Domme not paying attention to realize that She has posted as Her girl and not Herself...blames this on emotionalness and shrugs it off....Kirren...Proud owner and attempted impersonator of katsclaws12

< Message edited by KatsClaws12 -- 2/24/2008 5:59:58 PM >

(in reply to MissHarlet)

Post #: 7

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 8:57:50 PM

KindLadyGrey

Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline

This post comes at such a difficult time for me. I am struggling with this issue a lot right now. I've begun the process of divorce and my emotions are all over the place. I am incredibly depressed and I NEED support.

Meanwhile, I have the sweetest submissive man on the planet. (not my husband, I am poly) I desperately want to open up to him, but I don't know if it is appropriate, or how much support I can really expect. We've only been seeing each other for a few months, and it's not like this is "boy, I had a bad day and I need some cuddles." This is a DIVORCE, it's the nuclear explosion of "holy crap help I'm falling to pieces!"

I want to lean on him, but I don't know if he can handle it. I don't know what it will do to our D/s dynamic. I'll be interested in seeing the rest of the responses to this thread.

(in reply to KatsClaws12)

Post #: 8

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 9:06:16 PM

EvilKitty

Posts: 148
Joined: 7/13/2006
From: Tampa Florida
Status: offline

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear of your grief. Why do we never get good at losing loved ones? I can only send prayers for your ease.
I've been lucky enough to find a sub who wanted to be a part of a relationship. He has been proud to be called on to ease MY pain more than once. He seems to find it a tribute to the trust he & I share. I hope your boy is able to come to be proud that you trust him enough to be comforted by his presence; even if only to lie his head in your lap to be stroked.
hugs,
Lady Cat

_____________________________

Save the Earth! It's the Only Planet with Chocolate!

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 9

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 11:11:22 PM

ricar00

Posts: 45
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline

i can't imagine not being involved emotionally with my Goddess. I think in fact that the emotional relationship is stronger than any other component of our relationship. The difficulty for me is when i displease her which makes me feel terrible, but also when she is having a hard time but doesn't necessarily want to share how she is feeling with me so i feel rather helpless

ricar00

(in reply to EvilKitty)

Post #: 10

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/24/2008 11:54:02 PM

DelilahDeb

Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

Even in non-LTR, when I was recently gifted with another Mistress' service sub for a scene, we played, we had a lot of fun, and (because he wasn't my sub except by courtesy for a couple of hours), when he was unbound and we were both hydrating, he asked about aftercare and I said I would consider myself less than a domme if I didn't cover that. Well, what he wanted was a lap to hug, and damn it felt good. But as he was coming out of subspace and I was babbling my conversational way out of topspace, he ended up providing me some serious reassurance and (unexpectedly) emotional support. (The domme who gets him post-graduate will be a very lucky woman.)

But my point is that the sort of discomfort the OP describes, of a sub being unable to meet her eyes, may just reflect the larger culture (American in particular) terror of death.
As one who watch her mother take a catastrophic and immediately fatal fall less than a year ago, I empathize with the loss, and hope that the process was less painful for your loved one than so many hospital deaths are today. I spent forty years of my life in that terrorized American mindset, aware that my bond with my only parent was going to be a painful one to alter when she inevitably died. And after a couple of Samhain visits from other deceased relatives, you know, it just stopped being an issue. But I'm babbling again..no wonder...it's midnight and I only slept 5 hours last night on a post-dungeon high.

Delilah Deb

P.s. I lost the thread, but to the Wiccan..."and may we meet and know and remember and love them again."

(in reply to ricar00)

Post #: 11

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 2:55:44 AM

Morghan

Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Atlanta Mistress:

I think that your sub's learning process is the thing I'm most interested in. How did he develop those supportive skills? This is partly a rhetorical question since you mention the outcome. Thanks for your response.

Morghan

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 12

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 3:01:41 AM

Morghan

Posts: 99
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

LadyGrey:

Having been through a divorce, and a poly person, I'd say that my secondaries helped me through it a lot, but I try as hard as possible not to lay the heavy emotion on a new relationship. How you define new may vary but for me the key is whether or not they know me well and the relationship is generally stable. Dropping all the emotion on someone who doesn't know me well is a sure way to get bad results. With my boy I know he's been around a while, knows me well, and though the emotion might not be the easiest thing, he does his best to help. Its finding the right method of help and the balance of what to do that is up in the air :)

Morghan

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)

Post #: 13

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 4:04:02 AM

LadyJeelys

Posts: 99
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline

I have to say, my slave was completely supportive when my brother passed away. In fact, I pulled away from him and Ds. But he was always there for me and never made demands.

Yet I don't know that that had anything to do with me or what I did or didn't do. I think it has more to do with his personality. Plus we were friends for a long time before we entered a Ds relationship.

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 14

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 4:08:15 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

Atlanta Mistress:

I think that your sub's learning process is the thing I'm most interested in. How did he develop those supportive skills? This is partly a rhetorical question since you mention the outcome. Thanks for your response.

Morghan

Morghan,

I think partly - it was just part of his personality, and he was able to show me that he was this way. Also, I am very clear with him what I expect, and if he does not act in a certain way, a way I need him to be - I can tell him: "I need for you to show me that you understand" or something of the like, and he does. I was very upset, with him, for something he had done without realizing it would hurt my feelings. He is very smart, but not a mind reader. I have to be able to communicate - tell him, "when you did that, or when ____ happened, it made me feel ____(sad, betrayed, unimportant, etc), and I am very unhappy about that." That allows him to learn what NOT to do, and how to adjust his behavoir/actions to make sure I AM HAPPY in the future with him. I can always wait until we are in a scene, and punish him for certain behavior (and I do), but it is not always time appropriate to wait, and I like to be able to communicate my feelings with him. That way, when he is receiving the punishment, he REALLY understands what happened, and how he needs to behave. The punishment is just another deterant for him not to do whatever he has done again.

As I said, when a D/s relationship becomes an LTR and crosses into vanilla, the "roles" cannot always be so black and white. For me, it is a new experience to be in a REAL relationship that includes BDSM, and it started for us as a D/s relationship - which actually helps to define our vanilla roles as well. I am not always ordering him around and we are not sticklers for protocal 24/7 (I'd say he is more of a bottom if I had to label it). I do have the final say - in and out of a scene, in and out of the bedroom. Problems, both outside of our relationship that he is supportive of me dealing with, and within the relationship, actually strengthen our bond - increasing the trust I have, knowing he is there for me, and it is okay to be human, not always having to be perfect.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 15

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 6:05:41 AM

MsBearlee

Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb

quote:

ORIGINAL: Morghan

Do you find you've had good luck or bad with emotional involvement in a D/s relationship? Some folks seem to feel that the more emotionally available the D and s are to each other, the less actual power exchange can exist. How do you merge the two needs, the need to be loved and supported and the need for power exchange and directive control?

My luck with emotional involvement has been good to the point that I'd shy away from involvement with anyone with whom there was no chance of it.

There are times in a LTR where one has to "break out" from one's submissive role in order to fulfill an emergency emotional need of the Domina. It takes experience and judgement to develop a "sixth sense" for when the Domina needs a submissive, versus when she needs her Significant Other to set aside his own expectations of the Domina and be supportive of her as a woman.

He has to understand that you are always a woman first, and his Mistress second.

Start by asking yourself: what did I need him to do differently? Then tell him what you needed and why. Give him permission to do so. If necessary, give him a "reverse safeword" that, when uttered by you, means "I need you a different way right now".

Wow, yet another time AFly has demonstrated that, while he’s submissive through and through, he’s not a boy!

This thing that we do, TPE, is wonderful and lovely, but when the rare occasion comes up that you need your man to rise to the occasion, it is obvious he could.

He is the kind of man I want; one who could be the adult, competent male that he is and handle the situation, not someone who would stand back and blink…wondering how he should ‘act’ to please me best.

I find it sad he lives so damn far away… what a valuable partner he’d make and lucky the woman who catches him.

MsB

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 16

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 9:29:34 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

I work as an organ transplant coordinator. In talking with grieving families whose loved one is dying or already dead but has the rare last chance at being a hero before leaving this earthly plane, I find my biggest challenge is being WITH someone in their active grief. Dealing with their sobbing, crying, and other acute stages of the grief process when it's not my own pain to deal with is tough. It's one of the few skills that I can teach a new coordinator, and these are already folks who as nurses or paramedics, have dealt with the dying and their survivors. We're not professionals who have years and years of social work or psych training behind us, and we have a tough time. Sometimes, there just are no words and I sit and look in wonder at these families -- how do they do it and go on to live another day through some of the tragedy that they endure? I cannot fathom trying to impart sensitivity, listening, intuition and patience to deal with someone else's sadness on a member of the lay public.

I think most of us have a time coping with our OWN baggage and our own sadness and grief when a loss occurs. It is immensely difficult to sit with and/or take on someone else's pain.

My suggestion is to open the lines of communication with him. During the acute loss may not be the best time, so perhaps before your loved one dies might be better timing. Describe to him what you saw when you were upset and looked to him for support, and tell him how that made you feel to see him slink away or look embarassed at your tears. Reassure him that he is valued in your life. Ask him what troubles him most about seeing your grief. He might be being brought back to a sad time in his life and is just clamming up. He might also feel this as a chink in the armor of his domina and be afraid that you'll no longer be able to control him. Whatever the circumstances might be, he needs your reassurance that YOU remain in control of him and that you expect him to uphold your requirements of him. So long as it's not causing him emotional trauma, I'd put him responsible for helping you through this time -- give him specific assignments that might include proofreading the obituary notice to be placed in the paper for you, making appointments for you at the hair salon or booking you a massage or spa visit the day after the funeral. You may even put him in charge of something during the wake (visitor's book) or making himself useful as a chauffeur, driving some of your elderly relatives. Work him hard and show him how much you value him being a part of that day, yet don't replace the closeness of your blood relatives at this time. I suspect he'll respect you alot more for being human yet not feeling like he is forgotten or unneeded.

As for you, I offer a resource for bereavement from one of my work partner organizations. While the framework of the site is in support of organ and tissue donors, much of the grief support literature and information there is generic to anyone who has recently experienced a loss. http://www.healingthespirit.org/resources_griefwords.php

My thoughts are with you.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Morghan)

Post #: 17

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 9:33:29 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb

There are times in a LTR where one has to "break out" from one's submissive role in order to fulfill an emergency emotional need of the Domina. It takes experience and judgement to develop a "sixth sense" for when the Domina needs a submissive, versus when she needs her Significant Other to set aside his own expectations of the Domina and be supportive of her as a woman.

I don't ever consider my supplicant being of service to my needs at the time "stepping out of role." Actually, it's much the opposite. I feel it's incumbent on the supplicant to be sensitive to current affairs and find a creative way to support the dominant through without imparting on them that she is weak or incapable or ineffective in her role. The supplicant makes the dominant stand out as an exceptional owner even during their darkest day as reflected in their kind actions, in their sensitivity, grace, competence, responsibility and reliability.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to AFlyInYourWeb)

Post #: 18

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 9:35:51 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AtlantaMistress

He is very smart, but not a mind reader. I have to be able to communicate - tell him, "when you did that, or when ____ happened, it made me feel ____(sad, betrayed, unimportant, etc), and I am very unhappy about that." That allows him to learn what NOT to do, and how to adjust his behavoir/actions to make sure I AM HAPPY in the future with him.

Domination Ken Blanchard style (author of "One Minute Manager")

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 19

RE: Emotions and Dominance - 2/25/2008 12:06:28 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Morghan, I'm really sorry to hear of the difficult time you are going through just now. My condolences to you and your family.

I really wish I had good advice for you on how to merge the two worlds. I don't happen to think I do that great of a job at it Myself. In fact, it wasn't too long ago that I was feeling a bit down about something (this was something on a much smaller scale, I can promise you) and I literally had to have a friend of Mine tell Me to get off of My ass and tell My sub what I needed. Simple, direct, blunt, and to the point.

Do you want to know the funny thing about it? It was that easy, and it worked. As soon as I told My sub what I needed, he gave it to Me. My being a person, instead of a persona, is something My sub can handle. I'm willing to bet yours can, too. If you tell your sub directly that you need him to look into your eyes, be supportive of you when you lose composure, or whatever else it is that you need, he'll do it. No, it may not be easy for him, but it will be good for you.

Please take My good wishes for you, your sub, and your family.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 20

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