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thisisafakename -> Abusive encounters (2/24/2008 7:03:24 PM)
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I'm fairly new to the world of BDSM, but well versed in the ideas/philosophies. I've met enough people from online over the years, and am street smart enough to recognize some red flags, but this one really got me.
New to this website/forum, this was my first experience please note that this is more of an abusive online dating experience rather than an abusive BDSM experience:
Stumbled across a Dom's profile who actually sounded like someone could potentially have a long term relationship with, a rare occurance online. So I wrote a heartfelt email to him and received an immediate response. We got along well, and even though he seemed a little crazy, it was no more than as crazy as I consider myself, or my closest friends, in the best sense of the word. Several emails, chats, many phone calls and three days later we planned to meet. Everything seemed potentially great. This is where my better judgement went out the window.
Coming from out of town he arranged to pick me up at my house. Despite a reservation about this, I stupidly agreed, because I already built a sense of trust in this person and was distracted by that. He picked me up, he looked just like his pictures, and was quite a gentleman. Prior to meeting he had expressed his strong feelings towards me and expected me to reciprocate. I maintained that we should keep things casual until we meet, but secretly felt the same way. We drove into town and went to see a movie.
During this time, I discovered that things weren't feeling right for me. There was no chemistry. Unfortunately, this is something that truly is impossible to tell online or even over the phone. So after the movie, I started to articulate this in my head in order to tell him. Before I could do so, he tried to kiss me, and my body language said it all. We were sitting in his car, as I explained that I just wasn't 'feeling' it. This is where things get ugly.
He totally freaked out and proceeded to flip between being devastated and angry as he expressed incoherent thoughts. There was some discussion, but the general jist was that he couldn't understand this "chemistry bullshit" and why couldn't I just give it some time, because "we are perfect for each other" and "we are going to have good days and bad days over the next 10 or 20 years". I started thinking about getting out of the car at this point (it was parked) but was worried that he might freak out even more if I did that. I soon regretted that decision as he started the car and drove maniacally around the city trying to take me "the fuck home". During this time, and in between almost crashing every 2 seconds he called me all manner of names at the top of his lungs, said that I had misrepresented myself, that I was a liar and a worthless bitch amongst many many other things. He then told me that he'd been looking for 10 years for someone like me and if I couldn't be with him then he might as well die. He told me he wanted me to die, that I deserved to be yelled at and that I was a waste of space and so on.
I had a panic attack and was hyperventilating and crying hysterically. I kept seeing cop cars and hoping someone see my face or see his bad driving and pull us over. The thought that he knew where I lived was going over and over in my head and I was so scared I could barely collect my thoughts and think what to do, but the idea that prevailed was to stay calm and be as least antagonistic as possible and try to get through it. Eventually I summoned the courage to ask him if he would prefer I got a cab home seeing as how he felt he was wasting his gas. After a few more blocks he pulled into a gas station. He yelled at me some more, then broke down and cried and expressed his severe disappointment. I wanted to smooth things over as much as possible so as not to create a tricky future situation, so apologized profusely and re-assured him that I never intended to lead him on in any way. He then asked me if I would like to go to the beach, to which I declined. I was then asked to "fuck off and die" and "get the fuck out of the car".
I got out of the car, tears streaming down my face, as patrons of the gas station gawped in my direction. It was 3:30am and I went over to the cashier window to buy a packet of cigarettes and a drink as I watched him drive away. The cashier let me inside the shop and I went in the bathroom and broke down for a while. Then I flagged a cab home, had the cab drive me to my car, got in my car and drove around for 3 hours because I was scared he would show up at my house. Eventually I pulled myself together enough to go home, and as I predicted, he was there. Fortunately he didn't see me, and took off. I parked my car, and sat there with the key in the engine for 30 minutes before I could get out and walk across the street to my door.
The next day, I was greeted by many phone calls from him. I didn't answer any of them. The messages were something to the effect of "you stupid bitch you could have had me and you fucked it all up". Then he left me a message, and an email stating that he didn't want to live if he couldn't have me so he was going to kill himself. At this point I called the cops to report the suicide threat. As much as it seemed like a superficial cry for help, having someone tell you they are going to kill themselves is very scary. This was my first experience with that. Since then he has called and left other messages so I think he is ok. But if he continues to harass me I will have to get a restraining order just to stop the calls and emails alone.
I wanted to share this not only as a catharsis but also as a warning to even the most wary of those of you, who are actively meeting people online. I was taken in by a manipulative person who was mentally unstable and the situation could have been a lot worse. I let my guard down, and got really unlucky. But I consider every bad experience in life to be a gift. Because those experiences are part of me and partially shape my personality, and it strengthens me and makes me wiser, as well as feeding my creative side. In addition to learning my lesson about protecting myself and not being so trusting, this situation has effectively erased any desire to ever meet anyone from online ever again. Although I'm sure I will get over that, and these things can happen anywhere, not just online. Also it has opened my eyes up to an element of the BDSM world that is now a reality for me, that some people use it for the wrong reasons. I think everyone needs emotional release, whether it be through kinky-ish bedroom activities or 24/7 BDSM lifestyle - but where is the line drawn between a healthy play desire, and a person who is being abusive or abused - and how do you tell the difference sooner?
Thanks for reading...
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