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What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 12:25:57 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense? In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically. The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?

< Message edited by luvdragonx -- 9/19/2005 12:27:32 PM >

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RE: Public or private? - 9/19/2005 12:28:23 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Of course.

My relationships are very private things.

And I love to go out and party and play and socialize in public.

I can enjoy many things from both private and public experiences. I take them both for what they can give me and don't expect what they cannot.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 12:36:08 PM   
Tempestspet


Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline 		It sounds like it is the right kind for you. Though going to munches and parties and all that, doesn't mean you are submissive to everyone around you. Even at a function whether private or public, you are still submissive to the one man you were before you got there.

That said, there are those who are uncollared, and happy that way. They want to play, and serve when and who they wish. That's ok too. That's what's right for them. You don't have to fit any mold other than yours, or your dom's. To me, that's one of the greatest parts of this lifestyle.

Tempest's pet
jennifer

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 12:49:12 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		Sounds nice, as for what kind of submission it is, i am not sure it have a name, private submission perhaps.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 12:51:22 PM   
Nuke718


Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
Status: offline 		luvdragonx you make perfect sense.

While I enjoy socializing with people in the local community, and in fact have a handful of real good friends here, my relationships tend to be more private. Attending a local event does not mean you have to be dominant or submissive to anybody there who you are not in a relationship with.

Im a not much of an exhibitionist so scening at a party or club are not my thing, and I am only a marginal voyeaur (mostly I watch scenes demos as an educational enterprise).

So WHAT is my point I hear you saying... Feel free to have whatever kind of relationship (or lack thereoff with the local community you like. It has no bearing on you relatinship with your sginificant other.

Whatever works. Cuz nowhere does "Different Strokes for Different Folks" make more sense.

Nuke }:-

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 1:12:39 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense?
It makes perfect sense to me in that I feel I've always been the person I am now, dominant personality (though previously much more quiet/shy), open to sexual experimentation, and desirous of a willing servant/participant male, private about my sexuality and most aspects of my intimate relationships.

Your thinking/ways work for you, and being that you aren't looking for a partner, the public scene is not a necessity for you. For me however, friends have encouraged going out and meeting people within the scene (which I have begun to do in baby steps), and since I find myself interested in watching things I've not done but am willing to learn and get a better feel for (like bondage), going and meeting people who do it might be the best way.
The other positive argument for my going out and meeting people within the scene is networking, and meeting people who are serious enough to show up, since a LOT of people on the net are living out their fantasies only on the computer, without regard to damage they do to the people who believe their lies on the other end of the computer. M


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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 1:22:56 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:


Im a not much of an exhibitionist so scening at a party or club are not my thing, and I am only a marginal voyeaur (mostly I watch scenes demos as an educational enterprise).


I'm the same way.

Just from a statistical point of view, most people private about it (or too embarassed about it), because the vast majority of people who engage in our kind of play don't go to these social activities. Even if EVERY survey is off by an order of magnitude, there are still tens of thousands of active BDSMers in the US happily enjoying their relationships without ever setting foot at a munch, much less scene parties.

Exhibitionism and voyeurism are fairly common fetishes, but I doubt they're THAT much more common in our community than the vanilla world at large. There's certainly nothing strange about liking BDSM and not being interested in E/V.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 3:13:47 PM   
WickedKev


Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically.



Forgive me if I have misunderstood this, but it seems you think if you go to a munch you have to be submissive to anyone calling themselves a Dom? If this statement is true and that is how you think then it couldn't be further from the truth. As a Dom/Master no-one submits to me but my slave, I don't expect to be called anything other than WK or Kev which is what my friends call me. And a Dom trying to act dominate with my slave
without my permission and she'll relieve him of two objects he may well need one day.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 3:19:00 PM   
MistressJan


Posts: 42
Joined: 6/3/2005
Status: offline 		Luvdragon:

I bet if you allowed yourself to be a little more adventures and attend some munches, you will soon come to realize that this indeed is the lifestyle you have been in.
Attending munches and meeting folks in the life gives you self-confidence in knowing that there are a lot of others out there just like us.

Respectfully,

MIstress_Jan

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 6:01:34 PM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline 		We are very private as well, and develop a communal relationship with our servants before they are ever contracted and brought under collar. I think that it is the nature of who and what we are, on either side of the collar, that a part of us longs for the counterpart to our nature. Sometimes, we are fortunate to find that part, sometimes all of the pieces that make it up (including, for us, an individual who fits with us communally, spiritually, intellectually, philosophically and ethically--PLUS is a good fit in terms of meeting the pragmatic and service needs of our gathering) fall into place. Other times, we have to really struggle to find a good match--and sometimes, we settle for something below our ideal to gain experience. These can all work, though I often caution those who have decided to settle to remember that even when you settle for less than your ideal, it should be with the idea that the experience will be worthwhile, and with the honest realization that it may very well be temporary.

The answer to your question is that what your submission is is submission--no more and no less...as long as your submission suits you and the one to whom you submit, it is perfect submission.

Lady Zephyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?


< Message edited by LadiesBladewing -- 9/19/2005 6:04:20 PM >

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 6:35:17 PM   
softysub


Posts: 101
Joined: 10/20/2004
Status: offline 		I felt the same way when i was going to a play party alone, i was craving the submission, feeling lost, not at my place, but i was asked a few times to play since i didnt have a collar and i didnt feel comfortable playing with someone i didnt know much.

softysub

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 6:53:05 PM   
brightspot


Posts: 3052
Status: offline 		I can relate to what you are saying.
MsN and Myself do our own thing mostly in private.
Although we do not hide our being involved in the lifestyle when we are
out and about, I have a very blatant tatoo on my wrist and usually
wear a collar when we are out.
We don't attend munches, but do go to parties (but haven't played and doubt if we would) whenever I am down staying in Chicago with Her, then we tend to have fun dressing it up, still we take in the Scene more than partake in it.

*Brightspot


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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 7:29:21 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmm... What kind of submission is it...

I'd have to say it's the kind of submission that works for you. Not everyone wants or needs the public lifestyle. It can be rather intimidating at times, especially for someone who is unsure what is expected of them. However, please don't think that being submissive means that you must submit to just anyone if you DID venture out to a munch or a club. Until you wear an Owner's collar, you are your own property. You call your own shots. You are under absolutely no obligation to defer or submit to anyone to whom you do not wish to submit.

My advice to you: Build your relationships on YOUR terms; know who you are and what you want; don't settle for less than what you deserve; and don't ever let anyone tell you that what works for YOU, in YOUR relationship, is wrong.


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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 8:08:59 PM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks to everyone who responded and I want first apologize for the title of my post: I couldn't come up with anything more concise for what I was wondering about.

As to whether I'm questioning my submissiveness.....no, not exactly. I'll give a little more info on me. My last Dom was really interested in the public scene, almost to the point of being obsessed (in my eyes). Every other weekend at least, it seemed that he was wanting to go to this munch, or that party, this demo or that function, as long as it was BDSM related. That frenzy over going out and meeting people was part of what separated us, I think. He made it seem as if attending these events some how made us more.....real? Involved? Serious about the lifestyle? I dunno. I felt differently.

It was one of many things that led to our demise, but one thing that stayed with me afterward was my aversion to the social scene. I wondered if I was being unrealistic in my desire to keep my D/s life at home yet still learn and feel fulfilled. I don't think it's necessary for us to go to a party with 75 other people and introduce ourselves as Dom and sub, to be seen and acknowledged and all that.

No, I don't think that being a sub means you sub to whomever says 'I am Dom/me'. But for me, going to a BDSM party as an unattached submissive rings no bells for me. If I did, I would feel like a woman at a party, not a sub at a party. The sub part turns on when I am attached to someone. I guess I haven't read many threads on this particular line of thinking. Many of the people who post regularly are well attached. The ones who aren't haven't mentioned this, as far as I've seen.

Since I'm not looking and quite attached, the single sub thing isn't a concern for me anymore, but the underlying attitude, where my submission level seems to directly relate to my level of involvement in a relationship, is still there. I'm still young though, who knows how I'll feel in a few years.

Thanks all.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/19/2005 10:24:46 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		What my Sub and I have is very private. She would never consider going to a 'munch' or a BDSM party (if they even have any of those here) with or without me. I would like to attend one to meet some other people and talk about things but I don't think I'd want to 'play'. So I would say that what you feel is pretty normal Lovedragonx; at least from my viewpoint.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 12:07:46 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I sometimes wonder if I am missing much being somewhat a hermit except for a few select friends. On the face of it I'm only missing watching what people do and if I can learn from that. I've been burned in the past by internal politics in this and that organization not just in the lifestyle and seeing I lothe power politics at the best of times it seem best to remail in isolation. However if and when I fill a collar, and I see that my trik wants to go and play or visit out, I'll probably acquiesce and either take her or allow my Free Companion to escort and look after her. Play times would be no problem as I would have my mentor allong for some ares and perhaps if some time down the track, I asked to give a demonstration in something like shibari or needle play I guess that would be my graduation. But even then I'd be involved or attending public play and doing something on request only... I've a pretty private cove and these days shy from the spotlight where ever I can.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 5:09:37 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonxThe sub part turns on when I am attached to someone. I guess I haven't read many threads on this particular line of thinking. Many of the people who post regularly are well attached. The ones who aren't haven't mentioned this, as far as I've seen.

Since I'm not looking and quite attached, the single sub thing isn't a concern for me anymore, but the underlying attitude, where my submission level seems to directly relate to my level of involvement in a relationship, is still there. I'm still young though, who knows how I'll feel in a few years.

Thanks all.

Well it's true, it's rare you'll find a single woman attend a bdsm club/party/event. But it's rare to find a single woman attend a dance club/party/event either. When single males show up at events unfortunately they are often looked on with suspicion and coldness.

BUT it certainly does happen, I know I attend events solo (specially since the boyfriend isn't around). That "frenzy" period is pretty common, and lots of people do become play sluts to the point where it's alla bout how many scenes they can have, how much they can show off, etc, rather than simply enjoying an aspect of who they are.

I LOVE to go to parties and events, but I go if I think I'm going to have a good time, meet some good people or connect with good friends and possibly have a great scene. The frenzy period wears off in time simply because its impossible to keep that sort of energy/time going and most people can't afford it. :)

One thing I find curious- what makes you averse to going to a party as a "single woman" versus as a "submissive?" Do people at your parties really care so much?

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 5:15:22 AM   
tigress31047


Posts: 98
Joined: 4/26/2005
Status: offline 		I think I have the opposite problem. I would really like to go to some munches and even a club to observe, I don't want to "play" because i have a Master and i wouldn't play with someone i didin't know anyway Master , however is very very private. He will not participate in any lifestyle related functions, even as observer, and will not allow me to attend alone. So as it turns out I have to watch from the sidelines also. I must say that at times i feel very isolated and unsure of myself because i don't get to interact with lifestylers except on computer. I understand Masters view on wanting HIs privacy and not especially wanting the world to know of His lifestyle choice but at the same time , i am so proud to be HIs property that i want to tell everyone i know, i want to wear my collar in public and don't mind telling anyone that i am HIs Little Slut. guess thats the exobisionist in me.Master hassaid He will take me to a club when go up for our next meeting just to satisfy my curioity though so i am very excited about that.

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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 5:47:20 AM   
sudja


Posts: 155
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: luvdragonx

Over the years I've found myself sort of looking at the BDSM scene from the outside. I'm not inclined to attend munches and parties, or involve others in my D/s relationships. My submission has always been a private matter, shared between my Dom and myself. Does that make sense? In other words I felt that my submission was directly related to the person I subbed for, not a state of being that whomever was around managed to take advantage of. The idea of submitting to someone who doesn't really know me does nothing for me, realistically. The most fulfilling D/s experiences have been with people I'd developed vanilla (for lack of a better term) relationships with. When I was without a Dom, I felt lost and out of place, but I don't know if that's because I was craving the submission or just missing the person who wasn't around anymore. Anyone else felt like this?


That's pretty similar to me and my own experience - for me D/s is the form in which I need my Relationship to be, it's the way I need to be with somebody to feel I am doing/being right, and I need to be with somebody who needs/wants that.

sudja


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RE: What kind of submission is this? - 9/20/2005 10:18:03 AM   
LadiesBladewing


Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: IronBear

I sometimes wonder if I am missing much being somewhat a hermit except for a few select friends.


IronBear,

You probably -are- missing something, but it sounds like whatever you might be missing is probably not all that crucial to your particular family.

We've wondered if our general tendency to be "homebodies" by preference has cut us off from potential family members (see post in Poly Lifestyles "When the first time was perfect..." or something like that). Then we considered that our privacy and tendency to revolve our life around our home situation might be unhappy for someone who was more attracted to the munch/party/public scene environment, so perhaps we were better off not setting the expectation that that kind of participation was commonplace for us in the first place.

I will still recommend munches and education-oriented scene gatherings to newcomers who are eager to learn, but at least for now, group and public lifestyle participation takes a back seat and holds minimal interest--our family is the priority. We may see things change--circumstances may present themselves, and perhaps we will spend more time in public life, but it seems highly unlikely from our current vantage point.

Lady Zephyr

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