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Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/25/2008 9:43:09 PM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		. . .about approaching or talking to a sub?

Here are a few things that make me nervous sometimes:

I'm not a newbie, but come on, I'm 26, how much experience can I really have, right? Lately I've been running into these boys (even some around my age or younger) who must have spent their entire adulthood playing!* On one hand, I'm jealous; I wish I had that much time to play! On the other, I wonder what I could possibly have to offer, or how I could possibly live up to the standards I assume they have because of their extensive experience. (Yes, I know what they say about assuming. . .)

The other thing that makes me a little nervous are boys who have some really deep and serious kink tendencies. They approach me and we start talking and I start thinking "Holy crap, I would never do that." If it seems appropriate, I verbalize that thought, and most of the time the boy in question claims to be perfectly okay with that, but I always wonder in the back of my mind if those things are going to be an itch that I will never be able to scratch.

Obviously there can be a lot of talk here about simply finding a person who is a good fit for you and so on.

But what I really want to know is if there is ever anything about subs that makes you Ladies nervous or mildly insecure. Come on, spit it out, we aren't all totally confident taskmasters all the time!




*I realize this term may sound offensive to those of you who take this lifestyle quite seriously. I assure you that no offense was meant and it was simply the best term I could come up with to refer generally to WIITWD.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/25/2008 11:34:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		This isn't a big one for Me lately.  Of course, I haven't always been where I am today.

Back when I started out, My first slave had mountains of experience more than I did.  Feeling nervous was par for the course.  It took a long time for Me to get over that. 

These days, I don't feel the same way about it.  I know I haven't done everything and there are always people out there who have more experience in some areas than I do.  There will always be subs out there who know more things than I do.  Lately, I have the attitude of, so what?  That means a learning opportunity for Me.  All the better that I get to expand My horizons.

Where do I still get nervous?  I'm not as confident in demos as I would like to be.  I know I do presentations in front of people who have been doing wiitwd longer than I have.  Still, I try to go with an attitude that I might have something to teach, as well as something to learn.  I hear that My approach is very refreshing and fun. 


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/26/2008 12:44:03 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline 		I used to always get "butterflies" before meeting someone new - realize I am a Pro Domme - so met a lot of "new" people - some with much more experience and paying ME. I draw the analogy to my best friend who is a singer-songwriter. She would tell me, no matter how many times she performed, every time - especially at a new place/in front of a new croud, she would get a bit of stage fright, but the minute she was on stage, the adrenline would kick in and she was in her element, and after a show - she was HIGH. I found a quite similar experience - a bit a nerves waiting to meet a new sub, but the minute I had him naked and on his knees, I was in my element, and went into a Domme "cruise control" and it came SO naturally, then after a scene/session - I am floating on air - on a HUGE power trip. Very rarely, I would come across a sub that was very experienced, but I just felt I didn't "click" with - most times I think because they were more about "do me" than about really submitting/serving me. I typically would decide NOT to see them again...thought it was funny when they would offer to raise tribute, and since I seek the HIGH as much as the tribute (which simply gives me the ability to live MY life MY way) so if I wasn't feeling it - no amount of $ would change that.

I think the most important thing is to feel confident and comfortable with yourself. Unfortunately, as thick headed and stubborn as I am, it took me a long time and a lot of life experience to learn that lesson, so at your age - I just didn't get it yet. You are the only person you can make happy, and the only person you can truly control - you have no control over someone else unless they give it to you (and can take it away). You must really love yourself, and that confidence attracts others (especially submissives) and really conquers the insecurity and nerves that brings. I know it sounds corny - but the best excersize is to look in the mirror and realize the person looking back is pretty damn great, and the only person's opinion that really has to matter at the end of the day. Once I could truly do that - my life really changed. I stopped "settling" for less than what I really deserved, and was able to really make better choices about who I allowed in my life.

Good luck!


_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.


(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/26/2008 4:35:08 AM   
MissLily


Posts: 146
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Hi,

oh some of them do make Me nervous.... Happened recently I should add. The guy was deep into scatts, and I'm not. I couldn't scratch that itch and it didn't work out. He was pretty extrem and lazy on top of it. Very demanding about his needs. I obviously wasn't the one he needed.

I'll always be a little nervous when I approach people or when people approach Me. On the other hand, I know exactly what I want, so if it doesn't work out, it never lasts very long...

Miss Lily

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/26/2008 11:55:07 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Oh hell yes I have been nervous! Trust me, with my background a 25 yo may very well have more BDSM experience than I do. I just remind myself that I have alot more life experience. That is more important to me than the technicalities. My life experience is where my common sense comes from, my ability to make better judgement calls, to know when something "just doesn't feel right" I should pay attention.

The last woman I was involved with, well, let's just say that everything about that relationship attempt had hideous timing. In the beginning, yes I was nervous. Unfortunately my nerves and fears caused a great deal of pain and heartache. I will always love her dearly and wonder "what if".


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/26/2008 2:50:33 PM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Male subs - not that I can remember.  They all seem pretty open, goofy and keen to please.  My only creepy first meetings have been with Doms pretending to be subs.  They usually cannot act to save themselves and give off a really pushy, sleazy, smart alec vibe.

Female subs - all the time.  I have found myself in sudden (!) relationships with some real crazies, so I "handle with care". *



*What does a lesbian take on a second date?  A moving truck


< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 2/26/2008 2:53:56 PM >

_____________________________

<----- Corset, mask and collar designed and manufactured by metalsmith Karl H, chromed and lined in black suede. Masks and collars available from http://www.lucreziadesade.com.au/default.html. Corsets custom made only

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/27/2008 9:28:31 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Laughing....... perhaps that is why I rarely date!! ( it's sad but close to true for many)

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/27/2008 9:32:46 AM   
KindLadyGrey


Posts: 358
Joined: 11/6/2007
Status: offline 		Haha! It's so true. I am pretty much in the bi-sexual center of the Bems and love being with women, but women are much more difficult than men in almost every quarter. And hey, if you like both like I do, why not stick with what's easy? I <3 my boys ;)

My sympathies to you, LaTigresse.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/27/2008 9:34:35 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I live with a guy. And yes, much MUCH easier!

If only there was not that other itch, that needs to be scratched..........

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/27/2008 9:38:28 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I always got nervous meeting a new sub.  I didnt know what they would expect of me, or how our relative experiences might match up. Now that I have Fox, I dont worry quite so much about things liek that since I am meeting people strictly platonicaly.  When I only had Angel, the nerves were doubled. I not only worried about comaptibility I worried about how they would deal with Angel being in the picture. He wasnt a variable, but a lot of people didnt want to move into a situation like that.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/28/2008 3:22:19 AM   
yourbetters


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		nervous!!  oh  my god they are slaves not equals . i ts like asking if you get nervous talking to your dog or cat!!.  They SHOULD be nervous however talking to you

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/28/2008 3:32:57 AM   
TheAwfulTruth


Posts: 17
Joined: 11/13/2007
Status: offline 		I take it therefore yourbetters that the basic concept of people being people first and foremost doesent ping highly on your social radar?

I wouldnt neccessarily be nervous about meeting someone (Im a very social guy) but I certainly wouldnt be so contemptuously condescending whether they were a sub/slave or not. Until theyve agreed to be yours, they most certainly ARE your equals buddy. I suspect that may be part of the reason you have to make your own bed you lazy bugger.

(in reply to yourbetters)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/28/2008 3:35:08 AM   
sensiia


Posts: 103
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: yourbetters

nervous!!  oh  my god they are slaves not equals . i ts like asking if you get nervous talking to your dog or cat!!.  They SHOULD be nervous however talking to you


With that attitude I foresee you making your bed unless you can convince the cat or dog to do it...

*hops off soapbox* 

(in reply to yourbetters)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/28/2008 5:31:03 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		No I don't get nervous as I'm too busy going over my check list in my head and waiting for them to say something  that may show me that they are or aren't the sub for me. So far in the interviews/meets that I have had I have found men/women are pretty equal in the wierdness department.

I've stopped looking for another sub as it was getting stressful. I figure I've always met my slave/subs in a vanilla setting and I figure it will happen again.

~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to sensiia)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 2/28/2008 8:54:18 AM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline 		I'm seven years older than Mistress and have learned quite a bit from my time in NYC.  I was with a really great domme for almost five years and I learned quite a bit from her, as well.  While I may be more experienced in the amount of play I've done in my time and the fact I've been in the scene before Mistress was even in high school, it certainly doesn't discourage me from wanting to explore and teach Her new things that She's never seen before.  She has a curiosity and a very devilish nature, so She welcomes any new knowledge on how I can better serve Her, and in return, how to toture me more effectively with my lush for rubber bondage and encasement.

There are going to be things that one likes to do that the other simply cannot do.  Mistress can be very sadistic, but She knows I don't like pain.  I will endure some for Her, but I'm not a masochist in the least.  I love really complex predicament bondage, but unless Mistress has an engineering degree from MIT, chances are the predicament bondage of my dreams will simply stay there.  It's no great loss...Mistress has soooooo many more things She's capable of!

I'm with Mistress because I'm very attracted to Her, we click really well, and share a great many like interests.  Her level of experience or knowledge is of very little relavence to me.  I love Her for who She is, not because of how much play She's done in Her lifetime.

_____________________________

Collared and devoted property of Mistress Lorelei (vampchick88) as of 3/26/08.

Rubberpet - The Resident Anti-Subby and mysterious shadowy figure known as Voodoo, proud hitman and wiseguy for the Subby Mafia.


(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 3/7/2008 6:13:56 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KindLadyGreyI'm not a newbie, but come on, I'm 26, how much experience can I really have, right? Lately I've been running into these boys (even some around my age or younger) who must have spent their entire adulthood playing!


I would love to hear dommes' perspective about what a sub can do to help with these uncomfortable feelings.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to KindLadyGrey)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 3/7/2008 6:34:56 PM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		Ya gotta take those nerves, control them, turn them to excitement and throw it full force at your target.  It's all about control... not always experience.  Me? I'm as nervous as that perverbial long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs about trampling my favorite toy.  I don't want to hurt him.  (as in cause injury)  But HE will never know that!  Any hesitation that I have about stepping on him will have to be pushed down into the gut and surface as determination... It must look like a deliberate act.  Before you can control another sentient being, you must first control yourself.

(in reply to undergroundsea)
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RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 3/7/2008 6:35:37 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Honestly, sea, it's not anything you don't know already.

Be a person, not a sub.  Have a casual conversation, rather than everything pertaining to 'experience'.  Talk about thing other than kink.  Don't condesend.  <shrug>  Be a human being.

Some would be amazed at how far this goes.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 3/7/2008 6:47:12 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Yeah, what she said.

Grey, sea, the trick (I think) is that it's ok to be nervous.  Approach the potential whomever as a person first, and let the role grow naturally, and I think you'll find that if you had a lot in common beyond the D/s dynamic, you'll have a much better chance at enjoying that dynamic.  If you don't have anything in common outside of the dungeon, there's a good chance it won't work as anything other than play.

Worrying that they're more experienced in BDSM, to me, is is like worrying if they're a more experienced lover.  If they truly care about you, for you, than you'll have plenty of time to learn what it takes to make them happy.  They're not so much likely interested in how well you play, as they are in who you are.

Regards,

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do you ever get a little nervous. . . - 3/7/2008 7:08:49 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I rarely do nervous.  I might have when I was young, but that was another life! 

I do get excited sometimes, meeting someone interesting, but I try very hard to not get any hopes up, and just be cheerful and friendly.  At this point, I have enough experience of all kinds to back me up, and I have to work on not being my own worst enemy.  And as Lashra pointed out, there is a lot of focus on the hundreds of signs that trigger the "not this one" flag. 

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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