TysGalilah -> RE: My doctors are trying to take control of my life. (2/26/2008 4:09:05 AM)
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ORIGINAL: dollparts85 Trying to tell me what I can and can't do and threatening to hospitalize me against my will. I have to see my doctor again Wednesday...he's the one who put me in the hospital last time...I passed out again last week and I was stupid to tell my nutritionist about it...I thought it might be like anemia or something and I could take iron and be done with it...but she wanted me to see the doctor...he'll probably do all kinds of blood work, electrolytes and everything...I was doing pretty well when I had a Dom but I'm not even about to give up control of my food and stuff to a doctor. *sighs* I wish I could just stop going to the doctors completely...it's not like they even help me...they just make it worse... 12 step programs are funny that way. They don't expect anything of you, except the desire to be there and listen. They won't even argue with you dammit, when you tell them you don't need them! They don't give you advice or try to tell you what to do? damn them! They smile at you when you say they are full of shit and that you dont have the same problem as everyone else in that room, shoot they will even hug you when you say you cannot work this program because you don't beleive in God. They don't try to control your food. They don't even tell you you have a problem with it. Because they feel that is for YOU to decide. They are just no fun and give you no resistance or judgements or try to control you or your life. Of course they don't work for you! now doctors...hospitals......doms.....chat rooms......mssg board forums....strangers.... THOSE are much more fun to engage. They argue They will give you boundaries to break, comments to argue about, resistance to push against...opinions to reject and hence, a sense of control and empowerment (in your mind anyway). My food and health is out of control , but by gawd I will convince MYSELF I AM JUST FINE > by convincing these people that I am. Yes, I CAN and will control them with my attitude and my illness and my unwillingness to listen and help myself. They will give me negative attn and I will throw it right back at them to prove I don't need anyone to help me. Because, IF I can do that, then I can feel convinced myself. I don't want anyone making me FEEL my feelings or forcing me to "WANT" to be different. And those damn 12Step'ers just got tooo dang close to doing that for my comfort level. I almost admitted that I need help! I almost felt my tears and my fear. So..no...I won't be going back there! I will sit here and emotionally fuck with people who are gonna try to "HELP" me LOL Its sooo fun to watch. And I can shut them and the computer down anytime any feelings or advice gets a little too close to making me look inside. Hot damn, THIS works for me> That 12step crap just doesn't. Dollparts everyones "bottom" ( as in hitting bottom) is different. I wish you enlightenment in finding yours swiftly, safely and soon. And then serenity and good health. Cyndi
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