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RE: i need boundaries? but i thought.... - 2/26/2008 11:30:58 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chellekitty
the problem phrase being "i thought

Asumptions... doing that will get me in trouble faster than just about anything else. Assuming what he wants me to do rather than knowing what he wants.

It can be a very hard habit to break and many times I don't even realize that I am doing it. I often engage in active listening with him when I am given instructions. I repeat back my interpretation of what I just heard to make sure that I completely understand what he wants and that I haven't just filled in the blanks with my own thoughts and assumptions. Also I make sure that I can answer the questions, who, what, where, when and how. If I can't without making an assumption then I ask him for clarification.

Since working on this, I find that when assumptions are made I am just as annoyed by it as he is... *eg*

Knight's Kyra

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"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: i need boundaries? but i thought.... - 2/26/2008 5:07:06 PM

chellekitty

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Joined: 3/27/2005
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quote:

Since working on this, I find that when assumptions are made I am just as annoyed by it as he is...

it's not fair when they do it back...i know someone will object to doing something to prove a point...but he has being saying stuff along the thread that it would go if he assumed i meant something i didn't....and then when i look up at him like "what the fuck?!!" he winks at me and all i can do is groan in frustration and kick the ground...i finally told him this afternoon, something to the effect of "ok, ok, i get the point...no more further demonstration needed"....but thats the kind of person i am...i need a hands on demo before i get anything...you can tell me and show me all day, but until i experience it, i just don't get it....smart man...

chelle

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One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

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RE: i need boundaries? but i thought.... - 2/26/2008 5:44:49 PM

awakenednj

Posts: 657
Joined: 2/10/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leatherist

One of the most annoying things of all is "Anything you want Sir"

Tops need to know the boundaries we have to work within, or it's like walking an unmapped minefield in the dark.

true..... killing communication

Does this apply to the newst of subs (er...me) as I don't even know my limits yet.... I tell him as much as I can about what I am feeling/thinking to try to give him something to go by.... is there anything else I can do but see how I react as I go...

Not trying to hijack (If I am-tell me) just wondering how the same issue applies in different situations...

< Message edited by awakenednj -- 2/26/2008 5:51:29 PM >

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RE: i need boundaries? but i thought.... - 2/26/2008 6:19:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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Joined: 10/25/2005
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One of the lessons I've been working very hard with my partner lately on has been

1) It's ok to not make me happy all the time
2) When I'm unhappy, it's ok not to do everything you possibly can in order to try and make me happy, especially if it means supressing something about you

Very hard lessons for a people pleaser (or a Liz pleaser), but I've found them to be necessary for occasions such as these. They can't be so afraid or worried about making me "unhappy" about a little bump that they overlook the necessity of truth and LONG TERM fulfillment.

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RE: i need boundaries? but i thought.... - 2/26/2008 8:59:45 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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Joined: 10/1/2005
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I think, for me, I have come to the conclusion that I am not perfect and will screw up..I will always attempt not to make the same mistake twice, but there are never any guarantees..Being human and adult, we all tend to figure out situations and make assumptions, it is how we function in the world ...but with submissives we do try so hard to anticipate his needs and wants, to in essence, be the perfect mate..I am striving hard to let go of "perfection"..it tends to be highly over rated anyway..:0)....Tempting

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Post #: 25