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Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 6:51:12 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		I found this concept popping up when chatting with a friend this morning and I wondered how many have experienced this or choose to have their relationship this way...
 
I for one am seeking because I want a submissive, not because I need one--there isnt anything a sub can do for Me that I cannot do or hire  (task wise) at this stage of My life--I CHOOSE to select someone to partner with and build a life, share tasks, share emotions, etc.
 
What I am seeing surface more and more is Dominants who use the D/s dynamic to get rescued or saved from things in Their life they cannot deal with, baggage, or even a train wreck of a life---the context starts out as you will serve Me in this way---but the sub soon learns that they have entered the twilight zone and find they are now the dominant in having to take control of the situation(s).
 
Has this happened? How did you handle it? Did you stay? Go? Or is this how you want your relationship to be?
 
 

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 7:06:54 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		It is happening to me and i don't know what the answers are.We love each other but she is not a Domina or one she had claimed to be and two she is quite messy...i mean overly messy..i mean downright slobish.So what are the answers this side of saying see ya later??

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 7:13:32 AM   
nineofone


Posts: 41
Joined: 12/1/2004
Status: offline 		Being truly submissive to my female once a heart bond has been established, I didnt care much(then anyhow)what HER motives were. The joy and happiness that I recieved simply by doing things for her and knowing that her life was easier as a result,was the most emotionally gratifying part of our lives together. THIS was never forced because my love for HER bound me to do these things. I thrived! After a few months however-I noticed a gulf between us as I found myself naturally being one step ahead of HER i.e.-intellectually,planning,decision making(she wasnt capable),and even sex-play.I was more imaginative. My point-I had to IMAGINE that she was superior! Nothing against her,but I was simply and naturally in the lead. Our D/s relationship became a sham of sorts,and we both were left unsatisfied,and unappreciated so we had to part company. This was very difficult for me as I loved her. An attempt at living vanilla proved futile.

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 7:33:09 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		Very interesting thoughts, when applied to my own experiences this pops into my head:

Before I had lables and descriptions for myself or what I was looking for in a man, I was drawn to seemingly assertive men but ultimately I found that in my attempt to fill the role that came naturally to me I was basically enabling them to become lazy and apathetic in their own life.  My son's father often says that he doesn't have to worry about his son because he knows that I am capeable of taking care of him completely, he knows this because in our relationship I took care of him completely.

I don't know how prevalent it is with those that identify themselves as Dominant because once I did some soul searching to discover why my past relationships failed so miserably I was better able to identify what type of person I could be with to have a successful relationship.

But I do identify with being the person in the relationship that propped the whole thing up and made it work and I did it in a supporting role to those that I had initially thought were assertive men who would take the lead in the relationship.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 7:33:23 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		It is unfortunate but I do not think is anything new that people will use the power exchange dynamic to try to solve unhealthy insecurity and self esteem issues. This includes both genders and all roles.

Why people get into this life can vary but to stay in this life or have a long term successful relationship living the dynamic it is because it is the best fit for you and you have found someone compatible. For the best chance of this happening it is usually between two people that do not have insecurity and self esteem issues that are abnormal.

It is part of human nature that we think of our decisions and beliefs to be the best ones in general. Throw in the isolation that modern society is nourishing through things like cyber it can be too easy to develop a personal philosophy so driven by personal issues. So I can see more people looking to solve their problems or fix what they perceived were the problem in a past relationship(s) by using the power exchange dynamic.

The thing though I do not think you can tell by looking at a quick surface of someone’s stated desires for someone is if this is just they way they are in a healthy way or are they motivated by abnormal mental issues. The male dominant who does not allow his female submissive to talk to other men might be perfectly legit and healthy. But if you hear him talk and talk about all his other regular women “cheated on him” or “left him” for another then a red flag for example.

But certainly for me when I was looking there were many people I came across who knew what they wanted but had no legit reason or could explain their feelings why they wanted or needed that. I think there is nothing wrong with matching up strengths and weaknesses and nothing wrong with part of our reasons for power exchange are based on insecurities as long as they are on a healthy level. But when the power exchange is looked upon to fix/change our life in some major way then there is a strong possibility there is some serious issues going on in the background.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to chezzy52)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 10:15:30 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Happens on the other side of the coin too, happens in non-power exchange relationships as well. Seeking an out, or trying to be 'saved' isn't uncommon. Some people just can't or don't want, to cope alone, or at all.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 11:53:38 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor

I found this concept popping up when chatting with a friend this morning and I wondered how many have experienced this or choose to have their relationship this way...
 
I for one am seeking because I want a submissive, not because I need one--there isnt anything a sub can do for Me that I cannot do or hire  (task wise) at this stage of My life--I CHOOSE to select someone to partner with and build a life, share tasks, share emotions, etc.
 
What I am seeing surface more and more is Dominants who use the D/s dynamic to get rescued or saved from things in Their life they cannot deal with, baggage, or even a train wreck of a life---the context starts out as you will serve Me in this way---but the sub soon learns that they have entered the twilight zone and find they are now the dominant in having to take control of the situation(s).
 
Has this happened? How did you handle it? Did you stay? Go? Or is this how you want your relationship to be?
 
 


I avoid these types of dominants like the plague. Yeah, I can probably "save" someone, but I prefer to be approached by someone who has her stuff together so that we can focus on our interaction, not in how to make someone's life less toxic. Granted, if bad things happen while I'm a part of her life, I'll do everything possible to help her through it, but I really don't feel it is appropriate for me to be seen as the saviour in such a situation.

Now, I have actually helped women in the past by helping them get back on their feet, but in a number of these situations, I worked out a way that made it appear it was more from their actions than mine, even sometimes helping anonymously but serving as a "friend" who helped them "see" the advantages that magically presented themselves to them. I've contacted other women I know of to help women friends who were in abusive relationships, so that they had a female friend helping them through circumstances, and not some "knight in shining armor" coming to their rescue. I like helping people, and while I do it a lot, I prefer doing it so that they don't have to see me as someone they "owe" something to. Many times, it's for someone who's not even interested in pursuing a relationship with me, and I'm generally fine with that, unless they're just naturally rude towards me and aren't even interested in my friendship.

It's amazing how much help you can do for someone without her even realizing you're doing it. I think and believe too many people want "credit" for things that they do. Last week, one of the women in school with me was stumbling over a direction with her thesis. I caught wind of it and knew exactly what she needed, so I put two articles of merit she needed to lead her to the conclusions she's trying to build upon. She walked around the department talking about how she was surprised that exactly what she was looking for showed up in her mailbox. Not surprisingly, some guy who has never helped anyone before, has been trying to put forth the "thought" that he did this out of the goodness of his heart. Fortunately, one of the female colleagues I have who knows it was me, challenged him on the content of the material in front of the beneficiary, and it was obvious in about two seconds he had no idea what he was talking about, so the woman immediately realized he was just trying to take credit for something someone else did.

Anyway, I'm rambling now.


_____________________________

<---- FYI, this picture looks JUST like me


http://www.littlesarbonn.com/Stickman/Stickman.htm
The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 11:59:33 AM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor
the sub soon learns that they have entered the twilight zone and find they are now the dominant in having to take control of the situation(s).



Ah, my world and welcome to it. i certainly wouldn't use the expression "train wreck", but i am definitely in a weird sort of "Daddy Sub/Partner" role... It kinda kills me, but i am a "fixer" by nature, and i just try to look at it from the perspective that i'm doing what i can to make her life easier, and that's my role. As is often pointed out, being a submissive doesn't just mean doing the things that *you* think constitute submission.

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 12:04:03 PM   
bleusparkles


Posts: 168
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: offline 		One of my ex doms often says that my submission brought out the best in him. He will sometimes talk about me like I was some kind of a savior to him ... As if having me in his life enabled him to become a better man and overall better human being. I do know that when I left him, his life fell apart completely, though it seemed to me it was starting to crumble long before I walked out the door. For him, it seems like having someone to "take care of" gives him focus. Without that, he lets everything go to hell ... With it, he soars.

It took awhile and several other relationships for me to learn that I need to avoid that type of dominant. Now I sometimes feel as if I need to work on not being that type of submissive ... If that makes any sense.

edited to add ...

I need to reword that. I'm not the kind of submissive who needs someone else to take care of me. I don't need a dominant to fix me. I tend to be the "fixer" so I often find myself pursuing dominants who are in need of fixing. I need to work on that. :)


< Message edited by bleusparkles -- 2/27/2008 12:06:49 PM >

_____________________________

bleu's a bit whimsical in the brainpan ...

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
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RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 12:07:23 PM   
fairerthanshe


Posts: 3035
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings Lady Hathor,

Another great thread topic - thanks for posting it!

In the past when I have realized that a Dom is looking for a mommy figure to handle everything rather than a submissive or slave, I have ended whatever communication or relationship was developing.  Some of these have been men with drinking problems and that was really the first clue that something was wrong.  Of course, most folks don't come out and say they drink too much or have a problem and the only way you know it is to experience it.

I feel incredibly fortunate to have found in SJ a man who does not need my service but rather enjoys my service.  I add something to his life - I don't run it.  There is a huge difference between the two. 

well wishes ~ fairer than she


_____________________________

The Nuclear Bomb of Awesome, rockin' the MoFo Hawk, still a bad-ass with a bouncy attitude, and spreading joy as a predator in Hello Kitty panties

Recently honored with membership in the West Coast Assholes

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 2:36:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It is pretty amazing how many arrogant clueless doms are so incapable and ineffective in their lives.  Actually it can be a way for them to escape from that- in the kink world they can be "highly respected dominants" and all in control, so they don't have to think about how absolutely inept they are in the real world.

Eventually, it all comes out in the open.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to fairerthanshe)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 3:05:32 PM   
wordstoponder


Posts: 56
Joined: 2/3/2008
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		I can relate, bleusparkles.  I was with a "dominant" that I met on Alt for about two years, and things seemed to go well at first.  He was challenging my intellect and opening my eyes to many things, and I was satiated by this.  I spent weekends at His apartment and enjoyed myself and the break from my school (which was about three hours away).  In the past two and a half years, He moved into new apartments twice.  He lived in a pigsty.  At first I was excited to show my submissiveness by doing the dishes and cleaning up and what-not, but it got very tiring after a while because He didn't help much (and two of the three apartments were relatively small).  He has always had trouble with jobs, as well, and so I pushed and pushed for Him to keep looking and not give up.  Besides, how else will He pay rent and live on His own?  Well, His mother has a very generous heart and has been giving Him the money that He needs, and then some.  His mom thought that I was a blessing, that I was His savior.  He kept on having job issues (He's unemployed at the moment) and financial trouble.  He also didn't take care of Himself... He very rarely did laundry, so He was always wearing dirty clothes.  He has not seen a doctor in a long time and doesn't brush His teeth. 

I grew sick of it, especially since I started not caring about myself!  When I moved in this summer, I was lazy, and He let be me lazy.  We rarely did anything.  Both of us half-heartedly searched for jobs.  It sucked.  As soon as summer ended, I left.  I should have ended the relationship then and there, but no, I continued to convince myself that I loved Him and needed to care for Him.  Even after my parents kept lecturing me about His appearance and His lack of money and no job.  I finally gave up.

I am still in the process of reparing myself.  Yes, it was not entirely His fault.  But my growth as an individual and as a submissive was stunted.  In the past few weeks, I stumbled into a Man on CM, and we have a friendship, but also an attraction and a connection on many levels.  Both of us are recovering from relationships that went sour and that should have ended long before we decided to end them.  There are many aspects of Him that I feel could complete me (but I am fine without it, mind you), and there are many aspects of me that He feels brings out all the good things that had lain dormant inside Him for so long.

(in reply to bleusparkles)
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RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 5:17:13 PM   
verysweet


Posts: 128
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Eventually, it all comes out in the open.


Ain't that the truth, yano?

13 years ago I was seeing this Dominant who, in the beginning, seemed to have it all together.  As time marched on, he seemed totally incapable of making even the slightest decision on his own --- which meant innumerable phone calls because we were in a long distance gig.  "What should I make for breakfast?,"  "What should I do about my kid doing _____?," and so on.  And with regard to the bdsm side of things---"Do you like this?," "Do you mind if we do this?".  It was tiresome and I ended it post haste when I became more of a crutch than a partner in crime.







_____________________________

Poetry in devotion.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/27/2008 5:30:49 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		it happened to me recently.  he was neither dominant or submissive just plain vanilla seeking a submissive to end his lonely bachelorhood.

i broke it off when he left.


_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...


...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 8:06:56 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		Erm...I think I know what you mean by the twilight zone.  Kind of like some surreal nightmare where Alfred Hitchcock rewrites Mary Poppins.  Its not an easy situation to deal with.

Thanks for posting this question.  Its an important one for me.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin


(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 11:33:31 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sambamanslilgirl

it happened to me recently.  he was neither dominant or submissive just plain vanilla seeking a submissive to end his lonely bachelorhood.

i broke it off when he left.

 I was sorry to read this.. that sucks.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 3:03:05 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		People use relationships for this all the time. How many women do we know that go from man to man, often finding the second before the first is over? It really has nothing to do with the lifestyle and everything to do with people's overall emotional health or lack thereof.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to LadyHathor)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 3:33:11 PM   
petpete


Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline 		Well, i have found this out the hard way by both Dommes i have come across... The first one that she was also my mentor and first trainer i have found out that she maybe more then successful online but when it came to real life she could not cure her passions for taming her wild appetite and the very least listen to nature advice and contain herself to some reasonable dimensions.... The second i had to help to contain with her life partner fundamental issues about life's financial advices, so i had to intervene with mine.... my ex i still play a role in her life as a motivator to achieve her tasks.. (that is to lose weight)

_____________________________

Chief: Max, you realize you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable.
Max: And loving it!


(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 5:43:37 PM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		I thought long and hard about this, since the beginning of my relationship with My Lord appears to be one of "saving" him.  One thing I insist upon for myself is total honesty.  I've tried to look at this objectively.

He was in a bad place when we met, and I shudder to think of how far it could have gone.  However, I've never felt like his "savior."  He does credit my presence in his life as giving him a reason to stick around, but it's not something either of us dwell on.  He also says, like Bluesparkles,  that I make him want to be a better man.

Who's to say that I don't need help hauling my own baggage?  Looking at the matter as objectively as I can force myself to do, I have to admit that while there was a certain amount of saving going on, it was not concious on either part.  Further, since he spent the past summer/fall keeping me sane and helping me keep my job, nursing me through a horrible depression in the process, it's really more him saving me.

I wouldn't support a man who didn't give back to the relationship.  I've been there in vanilla life, and it sucks, period.  Lots of men are looking not to work, and they seek a woman who can make that happen.  Avoid these men at all costs! 

Cheers.

_____________________________

Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

(in reply to petpete)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Submissive Saviours - 2/28/2008 6:00:11 PM   
wordstoponder


Posts: 56
Joined: 2/3/2008
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		Very true, StormsSlave.  I am glad that things are going well with you and Him. 

There is a difference between helping each other out and one being the "savior" of the other without them doing anything in return.  As you said, we all have baggage, and sometimes we do need help, the extra encouragement or inspiration.  The important thing is, He took the help that you gave Him and He improved, and He sounds like He acknowledges and appreciates what you did for Him.

(in reply to StormsSlave)
Profile   Post #: 20
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