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End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 5:46:56 PM

wideeyedgirl

Posts: 56
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

Hi ya'll :)

This is a bit tricky to post as its personal..but Im struggling and maybe some insight from others could help.

At the end of a Ds dynamic..how important in closure? and what form is that closure in? Ive been doing something LD for a while and its been decided it wont work. Honestly and the lack thereof was the name of the game. Why it continued... Masocism on my part perhaps.
But its said and done. Im moving on. <smiles> I hope <blushes>
But how important is closure? I feel like there is so much left..unsaid. I just feel this incredibly need to tell Him how much the lies hurt .. and some of the good stuff...and what maybe caused the problem.
Also the problem of custody of the collar. I was always taught thats a Dominants property. I want to mail is back. But he seems vague about giving me his proper mailing address. (I know his living one, but the mailing is different).
How many attempts do i make? what do I do with it if he doesnt give me the address? What is the normal..protocal for returning such?

All feedback is greatly apreciated.

Post #: 1

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 5:56:53 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

How would you be acting and what would you be doing if this were a vanilla relationship? Just because this relationship has a power dynamic doesn't mean you're any less a person when it comes to greiving the loss.

Make one solid attempt. If he doesn't want it back, do what you will with it. However, if you know the physical address, that's the one that Fed Ex and whatnot will want. They won't deliever to a mailbox.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 5:57:41 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Sometimes, like the "vanilla"s, you just won't get closure from someone else. You have to find out how to move on yourself. As for the collar, I'd simply tell him point blank that he has X amount of time (say, a week) to give me his mailing address or I'm doing whatever I like with the collar.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 6:27:11 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

Sometimes you just have to end things for yourself. Find your own closure and move along. Does no good to dwell, but I think you know that. Write down what didn't get said, take a little time to reflect, or talk to a friend about it all just to get it out if you can.

As for the collar, burn it, put it in a box in the closet, or put it on your dog, doesn't matter. He's obviously not interested in getting it back if he won't give you the mailing address, so do what you please with it.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 6:31:00 PM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

Sweetpea, the only last words in a relationship are "goodbye"--you will never get the satisfaction you seek and that is what it is all about---validation---put it to bed.

As for the collar--heh wear it the next time you get a chance to play and think " take this you b*&^%tard"--

Rise above it.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 5

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 6:37:11 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

If he lied to you repeatedly, and will not give you his mailing address despite a "long" online relationship, this whole thing smells. I don't mean to offend you, but I don't see how you owe this relationship anything. You do, however, owe you a better relationship next time.

Construct your own protocol. What would be the best way for you to end things, so you become the strongest, most capable person you can out of it? Answer that question, and follow that protocol.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 6

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 6:40:48 PM

atursvcMaam

Posts: 1195
Joined: 5/10/2004
Status: offline

As harsh as it might seem, the words, "I/i understand," "I/i am sorry" and/or the ever elusive "Y/ya know, Y/you're right." rarely come even in the midst of a healthy relationship, and almost never (paying attention to the never say never school of thought) at the end of a relationship. if your SO understood, then you would probably have gotten through the difficulty. It generally leaves one wanting closure, but that really is an internal completion. say to yourself "i have done all that i can, and it has not worked." and then move on. otherwise it gets to be like feeding oats to a dead horse.
Good luck, have some fun, and it gets better. i keep on telling myself that, and somedays, i even listen to me.

_____________________________

live hard, die young and leave a good looking corpse when you die.
Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 7

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 7:38:48 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

1. He doesn't want his wife asking questions.

2. If he cared about hurting you,he wouldn't have gone after you to begin with. Especially knowing his situation would not let it happen.

3. Toss it in the river and let that be your closure.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 8

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 7:43:33 PM

wideeyedgirl

Posts: 56
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline

*fast reply* (will catch up to others!)

leatherist..I think you hit it on the head.
That was the problem. Number 1. And the defination between divorced and married but having seperate housing situations.

My bad on that one tho. I should have smelled fishiness with visits were always at motels when I went to visit and never to His house.

and option 3 sounds seller the more I stew. <grins> thank you!

(in reply to Leatherist)

Post #: 9

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 7:54:19 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Write him a letter. Put in everything you want to say. Express your anger, pain, hurt, torment.. whatever you like then take the letter and the collar and just light the damn things on fire. Let that be your closure, keeping in mind it's just for you, not for him.

Good luck to you. This, too, shall pass.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 10

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 7:54:56 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

Well, of course, the collar belongs to the Dominant. I suppose you have a lot of bitterness, but I'd hold on to it for a while, at least.

As in any relationship, it can be painful to lose a partner, a fellow kinkster, a Dominant. But, of course, life goes on, and I think this will be a learning experience for you.

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 11

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:03:23 PM

MistressNoName

Posts: 664
Joined: 10/26/2006
Status: offline

A plain and simple request for a mailing address to return his collar is all that is necessary. If he can't find it within himself to supply that, toss out the collar with the trash. Or give it away on freecycle...In a perfect world, the collar should be returned. But we all know we don't live in a perfect world and shoulda, woulda, coulda and 4-bucks will get you cup of coffee at Starbucks.

As for closure, I don't mean to be harsh as I know how much it can hurt esp when the communication has been lacking...and you've been lied to...but the closure will come with time and distance. You will work it out for yourself. Don't look to him to provide the answers or the comfort or to take the responsibility you believe he ought to...in most cases, it does not happen that way. Vent to you close friends/family, cry if you must and move on. And next time, don't sell yourself short. Hold out for the very best.

Best to you,

MNN

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

Hi ya'll :)

This is a bit tricky to post as its personal..but Im struggling and maybe some insight from others could help.

At the end of a Ds dynamic..how important in closure? and what form is that closure in? Ive been doing something LD for a while and its been decided it wont work. Honestly and the lack thereof was the name of the game. Why it continued... Masocism on my part perhaps.
But its said and done. Im moving on. <smiles> I hope <blushes>
But how important is closure? I feel like there is so much left..unsaid. I just feel this incredibly need to tell Him how much the lies hurt .. and some of the good stuff...and what maybe caused the problem.
Also the problem of custody of the collar. I was always taught thats a Dominants property. I want to mail is back. But he seems vague about giving me his proper mailing address. (I know his living one, but the mailing is different).
How many attempts do i make? what do I do with it if he doesnt give me the address? What is the normal..protocal for returning such?

All feedback is greatly apreciated.

_____________________________

aka Ms Petal - Check Me out on the Web.

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:05:44 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

When i needed closure on a relationship -- something i knew darned well wasn't going to happen with him, i did it myself (so there..lol). i wrote him a letter, kept adding to it for days, for weeks. i added everything i ever thought i wanted to say, the good and the bad, the hurts and joys, the conflicts, etc. It had been a 5+ year relationship so there was a lot to write..lol. i filled several composition notebooks, and wrote my little heart out, cried, railed against him, all the angst one would expect after having a rug yanked out from under our feet. Then... once i had written all i thought i needed to or could say, i fished the pages, one by one thru a shredder (a fire woulda been better, but my apartment frowned on those since i didn't have a fire place..lol.. and when i was all done, i felt much better. i won't promise you that there won't still be times that you'll wonder.."what if" or "maybe?" or a thousand other questions, but it's a start..and that's the most important thing of all -- to reclaim your life, your heart and your sanity (not necessarily in that order..lol), and after that..one day at a time.

As for the collar -- at a certain time of the month <wink> i just mighta mailed it to his house..and then let him deal with the stuff that happens (or maybe not -- sometimes dreams are even better than the reality...but just me..lol. )

Good luck and huggles, hon
jimini

< Message edited by krikket -- 2/28/2008 8:08:34 PM >

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to trueshadow)

Post #: 13

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:09:24 PM

PanthersMom

Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Write him a letter. Put in everything you want to say. Express your anger, pain, hurt, torment.. whatever you like then take the letter and the collar and just light the damn things on fire. Let that be your closure, keeping in mind it's just for you, not for him.

Good luck to you. This, too, shall pass.

Celeste

what she said. it obviously meant more to you than him. good luck.

PM

_____________________________

That which does not kill me, better run pretty damn fast

I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 14

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:17:10 PM

Sweet1Maybe4U

Posts: 144
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline

You poor baby...I can understand your hurt and from the looks of everyone's suggestions I have the feeling everyone else is angry at Him for you..

Sometimes the best thing is to try to just look at this with a positive outlook.
From this experience you are much more aware of how to make better choices and maybe now you're eyes aren't as wide opened for deceptions to take hold of you. That's a great thing to take with you on your journey towards a happy new beginning.
Try to look at this as a way of preparing you for what is awaiting ahead for you. Im sure you have good memories along with the bad. Take both sets of memories and learn from them.
I think most of us have had bad times with a man at least once in our lives. Its only a failure if we repeat it over and over again for the rest of our lives. Clean wounds heal...its the ones we harbour and let infect our future that keep us from achieving our desires and goals.
Personally......I wouldnt get rid of the collar. I would put it away for awhile. Then when you are stronger you can take it out of the box and reflect on it..memories have a way of getting sweeter over time. A year from now you may look at it and think, WTF was I thinking?!!! and just laugh. AND it will help you to remember NOT to ever let yourself get into that predicament again!! The collar may teach you more now that it has been removed than when it was placed.
I think all the advice youve received is valid and great! Im sure you'll know deep down what to do with it...

_____________________________

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 15

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:21:35 PM

Leatherist

Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: wideeyedgirl

*fast reply* (will catch up to others!)

leatherist..I think you hit it on the head.
That was the problem. Number 1. And the defination between divorced and married but having seperate housing situations.

My bad on that one tho. I should have smelled fishiness with visits were always at motels when I went to visit and never to His house.

and option 3 sounds seller the more I stew. <grins> thank you!

Well,if he doesn't want it back, do you want it hanging around, reminding you? To hell with "protocol". He didn't respect it on his end,why should you?

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 16

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 8:46:00 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

In regards to the collar..I see that he has essentially turned down offer of return..sooo...as someone stated, if you have a dog, collar the dog with it...after all to me it would be somewhat karmic...collaring a dog from another dog?...or if you have a cat...then you can look upon it as the only kind of "pussy" he deserves??....I wish you well....and try to create your own closure, it will be much better than any you could possibly get from him...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/28/2008 10:26:06 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Closure really is something I roll my eyes at. It usually means "I want to feel like I've impacted you in some way and be able to get some dignity back from you by spilling it all out on the table and making you uncomfortable for awhile"

I'm fine if YOU need to take care of stuff for YOU to move on. This should not depend on any response from anyone else. I understand WANTING one, but acting on that is different. I know the one time an ex has specifically wanted to talk with me about "closure" I ended up more annoyed and actually resentful towards him rather than just sad that it was ending.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 18

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/29/2008 5:19:12 AM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Closure really is something I roll my eyes at. It usually means "I want to feel like I've impacted you in some way and be able to get some dignity back from you by spilling it all out on the table and making you uncomfortable for awhile"

this is really well said LA--at least for Me, I had to hit this wall recently regarding a past relationship that did not work--I had to get this realization Myself-----well said--thank you for the words!

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: End of a Relationship/Closure/Collar custody? - 2/29/2008 5:51:08 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

what do I do with it if he doesnt give me the address?

Dig a hole in the back yard, place collar in hole, pour ligher fluid over it, drop a lit match and enjoy
the sight of the flames dancing about

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to wideeyedgirl)

Post #: 20

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