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The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 6:58:05 PM   
Ferns


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		I'm struggling to understand how a match based on 'likes to be beaten' 'likes to beat' actually works even if it's just a play match.  Many of the (sub male) profiles here are completely kink orientated.  Does that actually work for any of you?

I think I have found one profile (ok, maybe two) that actually piqued enough interest for me to stop for more than a second.  It was because they had photos that were not 'here's my kink exposed' and they had text that actually explained a bit about who they were (obviously this only works if they prove to be funny, smart, articulate etc).

Even if the 'beatee' 'beater' match is made in heaven, I'm not particularly interested in spending even a second with someone with whom I have no connection of any sort outside of that room.

This is a question that has plagued me for some time.  Are common kinks enough?

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:03:02 PM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Enough to create a relationship on, no.  This is no different from trying to establish a "vanilla" relationship, there has to be a connection on many levels.   Not everyone is looking for a relationship, some are looking for play partners on this site.  i would think that because this is a BDSM site most put there kinks out there to find other's with a shared interest. 

If you are really looking to find out more than just kinks i would recommend hanging out here on the forums more.  It is fairly easy to delve into other people's minds when they are sharing as much as is commonly shared around here.

This was an easy one to answer.

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(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:12:09 PM   
aidan


Posts: 904
Joined: 5/28/2005
Status: offline 		The reason most of us come here is because of the unifying trait of non-traditional sexual preferences, and even then there's a lot of variety. So it's going to come up a lot.

Think of it this way: would you look for partners who were straight if you were gay? Compatibility in non-sexual areas is indeed important for most of the people here. But just as a beater/beatee match won't amount to much when there's no other connection, a personal connection between people of opposed sexual preference isn't going far beyond platonic friendship either.


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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:14:13 PM   
Ferns


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		Even for play, I find it disconcerting in an 'I am my kink' kind of way - no different from a vanilla site where someone might post 'I like beer'...errr...OK.  Does it makes me want to have a beer with you?  Nup. 

Does it work for anyone on that level?

I did a couple of 'click throughs' from (male sub) profiles to forum topics - not many have posted here which leads me to think that they do indeed 'attract by kink'. 





(in reply to sweetwenchie)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:22:21 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Ferns,

As a submissive male from your sample group, I wish I could answer your question with great eloquence, variety, and bombast - if only to demonstrate that not all submissive men are focused on BDSM.  Ironically, eloquence and bombast, as bedfellows, are somewhat diametrically opposed.  And indeed, from a pragmatic point of view, a great degree of wordsmithing isn't necessarily required to answer your question.  Therefore, suffice it to say that I'll answer simply and directly.  You asked:

quote:

I'm struggling to understand how a match based on 'likes to be beaten' / 'likes to beat' actually works even if it's just a play match.  Many of the (sub male) profiles here are completely kink orientated.  Does that actually work for any of you?

(snip)

Even if the 'beatee' / 'beater' match is made in heaven, I'm not particularly interested in spending even a second with someone with whom I have no connection of any sort outside of that room.  This is a question that has plagued me for some time.  Are common kinks enough?


To which I can equivocally and emphatically answer:  no, unless all two people want is casual fun, it has been my experience that kink compatibility is far from enough with which to establish a mutually rewarding, loving, long-lasting relationship.

Welcome to the forums. :-)

Elan.

(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:24:31 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
Sometimes I do think people put the cart before the horse when looking for kinky partners.  On one hand, it does make sense to make sure there's a pretty big issue of sexual compatibility on the table before courting.  Especially for male subs.  But as a  femdom, my dating history showed more success finding compatibility first, and then kink second.  But is that because more "vanilla guys" are open minded to trying kink?

It also depends on how much/how often/what kind of kink you need.  While I have some pretty intense and odd desires, I found that when I was romantically on cloud nine for someone, the idea of toning down some of my urges in order to have sexual harmony wasn't an issue -- as long as he knew I did have certain needs that must be met.  When you are devoted and head over heels for someone, you tend to want to make things work.

Just based on my own personality, I never ended up with men that were super conservative or closed minded in the bedroom, so they were game to give my little kinks a try, and it always worked out fine.  This was far more successful than hooking up with a guy I knew was kinky, but sitting painfully through dinners with no conversation and compatibility or cringing when he acted inappropriately at my work functions or in front of my family.  I needed a lot more than just kink compatibility for the big picture.  It also depended on whether I was looking for a "kink partner" or a "boyfriend" at the time, two very different shoes to fill.

Akasha


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(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:41:09 PM   
Ferns


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for the welcome ElanSubdued, I really enjoyed your response.

However if we concentrate just on the casual play (relationship be damned for the purposes of this discussion), is kink matching enough for you then?

As I write this question, I expect your answer to be 'yes' (ok, prove me wrong), and it leads me to wonder if it's just me. 

Even in a vanilla context, I'm not having a one night stand with someone who is not interesting to me even if we both like <insert complementary vanilla sexual practice here>. Even though I know it will (probably) be fun, afterwards I'd be doing the 'get the hell out of my face' thing which kind of spoils the lovely afterglow.



(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:42:47 PM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		Even in play I must be inspired.

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(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 7:51:48 PM   
Ferns


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		This resonates with me AAkasha. Thanks for your comments.

Perhaps it's the nature of BDSM web sites that lead to the cart being before the horse (ie it's a product of the medium).

And perhaps I am disappointed in what seems to be the prevalence of one dimensional representations of male subs as 'creatures wot have this kink'.  I can't imagine that it works at any level, but then again, it must or presumably they would stop doing it and be a little more creative.



(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 9:12:27 PM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		I try not to match and by this i mean if i come across a Domina's profile and she has listed "Lives for Medical Play"then i know i don't have to read any further,we are in no way a match.Some Domina's don't list any interests at all but opt to list their vanilla interests.That is fine and a more welcomed approach because let's face it,you both will be doing many more vanilla activities within a D/s structure than you will be finding yourself tethered somewhere around the house.As for me,i have a strong gag fetish that includes havin a hand clamped over my mouth or handgag if you will.But there is nothing in interests regarding this and although this is technically breathplay,i choose not to list breathplay.Instead,i wrote in my journal of my gag fetish and also listed it under "Lives for Gags".Now i know there are plenty of Dominas out there that don't like using gags because they get off on hearing their subs so if they are looking at my profile they will pass me by.And some will embrace my fetish and of course will want to know more and how it all came to bear.But i get the biggest thrill when some Domina inquires about my guitar playing..that to me is precious just as much as the gag fetish.

(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/28/2008 9:50:33 PM   
Ferns


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/28/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for your input chezzy52.  That makes sense to me from either the relationship OR the play side - you are not your kink but you make your kink known. The comment about your guitar playing makes me laugh - it's absolutely spot on. 

"I am; I do; I think; I believe; I struggle; I work; I play; I have all these qualities, and by the way, I love this kink.  Want to talk; laugh; connect; play?"

Even if it's just for play, kink matching doesn't seem enough (to me anyway) to make the effort (of making contact, of talking, of spending any time at all in the intial stages) worthwhile.

As per LadyHathor's succinct comment, "Even in play I must be inspired".

(in reply to chezzy52)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 2:32:04 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		Ferns...you said it so eloquently and i couldn't agree more.Short and to the point...as you can tell...i like to flap the gums and go into an oratory.But i have ulterior motives as i try to inspire Lady Hathor to reach inside her purse again for a scarf gag(no,we are not together).It's an inside joke.Thanks for the kind words.

(in reply to Ferns)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 3:44:19 AM   
LadyHathor


Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline 		tsk tsk chezz, no topping from the bottom dear

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 4:36:43 AM   
chezzy52


Posts: 220
Joined: 6/26/2007
Status: offline 		LOL...i wouldn't dream of it...smiles.

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 7:24:29 AM   
Shewalksinbeauty


Posts: 19
Joined: 10/28/2007
Status: offline 		I completely agree with the gist of this conversation. I'd like to propose that, maybe the people who flaunt their kinks as a way of luring in potential partners are less experienced and naive? The longer you are interested in something the more you know about it and the more you are aware of what is around you. I think even the most intelligent people have made mistakes in relationships.

Also, if you are so used to not being accepted in the vanilla world, you're probably going to look for acceptance before personality. I mean, if you are a straight laced conservative except you have a major foot fetish and feminization kink, if you look for other conservatives I think it's less likely you'll find someone sexually compatible with you.

(in reply to chezzy52)
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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 9:56:39 AM   
rubberpet


Posts: 1743
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: The Land of Voodoo
Status: offline 		While my original profile displayed my love of latex and my profile mentioned it in a brief way, my profile was certainly written to entice as many dommes as possible.  I'm not all about the rubber fetish.  I have many positive qualities I think many dommes would go for.  I'm college educated, I'm gainfully employed, I can hold down an intelligent conversation, and I'm quite witty with my warped sense of humor, just to name a few.  But as good as that may be, what attracted Mistress to my profile was how much I displayed the rubber fetish is my profile pics.  She was very intrigued with my nick, so She gave me a shot.  She even admitted that if it wasn't for my intense love for rubber, She probably wouldn't have given me the time of day.

So, needless to say, rubber may be our rock, but my experience in the scene, the fact I'm monogamous, and the fact that I'm extremely loving with Her is what solidifies everything.

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 10:08:49 AM   
lilbitshy


Posts: 26
Joined: 5/8/2007
Status: offline 		I am glad to see many people are indeed looking beyond any particular kink to the person behind it. I purposefully left a lot out of my profile. I would hate to hear from someone only because they have a similar kink. I am first and foremost a person with a brain and an ability to communicate. Want to know something about me, ask! That's how I feel. I have been known to see a well written profile and regardless of any kink listed or not make contact to talk to someone about a common interest. I have made a few friends outside of any cm area that way.
Just my two cents
shy

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 7:34:48 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		I use kink interests as a screening factor ... if a boy tells Me he "lives for gags and humiliation" I will pass him by as I am seriously not interested in either of these. Why waste his time and Mine?

In the same way, I use vanilla interests as a screening factor ... "loves techno and rap" ... not in this house baby! But say you like "70s rock" and you'll get more of an interview.

My all time deal-breaker is "smoker" ... no way! Forget it.

I just look upon all these things as a quick way to screen the "no ways" from the "maybe's" ... then it's time to talk more to the maybe's and continue screening at ever finer levels. Eventually I get down to "this one's worth a detailed look and a meeting!" Then you have to hope they follow through *sigh*.

For a play session, I require them to pass through quite a bit of screening. For ongoing relationship ... well, there has to be a LOT in common! With both Myself and Master. Did I mention needles and haystacks??

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: The kinks that bind - 2/29/2008 7:44:47 PM   
MissMagnolia


Posts: 3636
Status: offline 		No, kink plays very little part in my choices. I agree with the lovely Ma'am Jay. For example, I would not bother with a sub who is mad about crossdressing or someone who is crazy for enema's, as these activities do nothing at all for me.

I also find subs who have a whole list of kinks in their profile, or those who send uninvited emails detailing their particular kinks in graphic detail, to be delete and block worthy.

You are not your kinks, as I am not my domination. If you are more interested in your kinks that anything else, you are SO not a person I want to know.

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RE: The kinks that bind - 3/1/2008 3:46:35 AM   
MsCfromMelbourne


Posts: 777
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		Welcome to the forums Ferns.  Good to see another Aussie 

Have you noticed that Collarme gives everyone this incredibly long laundry list of kinks to describe themselves?   That is how the site differentiates itself from, say, eHarmony or RSVP (the main Aussie vanilla site)

It is for people with alternative sexual orientation and we are encouraged to disclose our kinks to enable others to find something compatible with us. 

I would not automatically dismiss a potential sub just because he has only listed kinks instead of his job, hobbies, religious and political views, favorite books and movies etc etc    Those things are kind of private (and potentially identifying).  You can always swap vanilla data about eachother by email and if you go on a  date.  At least the really awkward question "what are your kinks?" has already been answered and does not need to be discussed further.

I would rather a guy reveal he is, say, a foot fetishist (my hard limit) before I spend time replying to his email.  The men who reveal nothing of their kinks might be riskier propositions than the ones who reveal too much.

Having said all that, its like looking for a needle in a haystack because so many profiles are married men.  You would be better off using Collarme to meet other Dominants who participate in your local BDSM scene and can introduce you to genuinely great, single submissive men.  Those subs don't usually advertise online anyway

Are common kinks enough?   No, but they are a hell of a good start.  A great sex life is the glue that gets D/s couples through life's usual struggles.  Dommes in other threads have said kink incompatibility is probably the main reason they don't go on a  second date with a sub - not his looks or personality (?!!!).  

As people born with alternative sexuality, our kinks are pretty integral to our identity.  But you cannot know if you will also click with someone in other ways until you meet in real life.

< Message edited by MsCfromMelbourne -- 3/1/2008 3:58:59 AM >

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(in reply to Ferns)
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