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overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:02:55 AM   
littlemissmalice


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		My partner and i have always had great communication and touch base on how we feel about things that are troubling us on a daily baisis however , lately ive been growing quite restless. im a submissive who has never really had the honour of being truly owned or dominated . My partner is a switch and although he enjoys dominating me he prefers to be a submissive which i try my best to accomidate but lately the need and desire for submission and training even a small set of consistant rules has been driving me insane. It can be scary at times because i feel that i will not be able to find the stability in him that i feel i need from a dom . Most of our scenes are simply role play and really hold no bearing , i find myself craving punishment ( even though i despise pain) for things i may have done during the day but i know i wont recieve it and it makes me uneasy. I really dont know what to do with the emotions that seem to be slowing engulfing my thoughts and my spirit.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:06:15 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

always had great communication

but don't have about this issue?
Does he Dom others? Just curious..


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~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:08:52 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemissmalice

My partner and i have always had great communication and touch base on how we feel about things that are troubling us on a daily baisis however , lately ive been growing quite restless. im a submissive who has never really had the honour of being truly owned or dominated . My partner is a switch and although he enjoys dominating me he prefers to be a submissive which i try my best to accomidate but lately the need and desire for submission and training even a small set of consistant rules has been driving me insane. It can be scary at times because i feel that i will not be able to find the stability in him that i feel i need from a dom . Most of our scenes are simply role play and really hold no bearing , i find myself craving punishment ( even though i despise pain) for things i may have done during the day but i know i wont recieve it and it makes me uneasy. I really dont know what to do with the emotions that seem to be slowing engulfing my thoughts and my spirit.


If this is really messing with your mind,you are going to have to sit down with him.........and ask him if it's really in him to give you what you need.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:11:04 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Simple. He is a switch and your not. How are you going to deal with that.

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:15:39 AM   
littlemissmalice


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks to all who have replied , to answer a few questions , i am his only submissive , and we communicate quite well about this we jsut dont know what to do with it , sometimes he feels as though he is unable to give me what i need because he is under alot of other outside stresses. Ive been with him for almost two years and ive considered staying with him but looking for domination elsewhere but its very scary as i have built alot of trust in him and would have to start from the ground up with someone new. It takes quite a while for me to establish enough trust for someone to dominate me.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:17:37 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Have you told him how bad this is for you?  I mean: really, really told him?  This sounds thinking-about-seeing-other-men bad, ending-the-relationship-bad.  If you have not expressed it in those terms to him, because you are afraid of hurting his feelings, then you've been a very bad girl!!!!!!  Lay it straight out, all cards on the table.  And one thing to bear in mind... if my lady told me I wasn't punishing her enough, I would apologize -- and then make sure she thought I was punishing her PLENTY. So be sure this is really what you want.  You might get it.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to Dnomyar)
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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:18:02 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		may I ask how old he is? 

I am serious, get him a dog training book.

Really (he may just get it),
Ron

start him slow and easy 15 minutes once or twice a day is all he needs to start with
we eat the elephant one bite at a time, so as not to choke.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 2/29/2008 9:19:18 AM >

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to littlemissmalice)
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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:19:31 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Simple. He is a switch and your not. How are you going to deal with that.


I don't have too ;)


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:19:35 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Consider it in this light. Is no-domination a hard limit for you? Must you fill this need for being dominated to stay in a relationship? Seeing a pro might be an alternative if you just want a fix now and again, but if you really want to keep this relationship and cherish it for what it is, not what you want it to be, then you need to make a choice.

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:27:15 AM   
littlemissmalice


Posts: 5
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		i have told him about how i feel about the situation and i do want to stay in the relationship , and yes i do feel as though i need domination in order to maintain the relationship . Its difficult because we are a young couple and i have had more expirience in the lifestyle then he has so often i find myself having to teach him. We have agreed to try and work through it slowly, keeping in mind eachothers needs. i would love to see a professional even if its simply to learn more things to apply to our relationship, i would love for him to sit in on a session and learn from another dom , however its not something i can afford financially .

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
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RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 9:50:30 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Well if it's mentoring you want, you and he should look for local events, and get active. Making friends in the community could be a powerful resource to helping you, and him, get a better perspective, and possibly some ideas for how to make you both happier in your relationship. You might luck out and find a dom willing to mentor you both after a fashion.

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 10:51:53 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You can't give him what he needs, a full time domme. And he can't give you what you need, a full time dom. So open the relationship.

You find a poly dom who doesn't mind that you already have a partner and he finds a poly domme who doesn't mind that he already has a partner.

You support each other during searching for these relationships, during bad times in the relationship, and cheer each other on when things go well. Between times you take time topping each other. Please note I said topping, not dominating, because neither of you get turned on dominating each other. But service topping is something different.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to ProlificNeeds)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 11:28:16 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlemissmalice

My partner and i have always had great communication and touch base on how we feel about things that are troubling us on a daily baisis however , lately ive been growing quite restless. im a submissive who has never really had the honour of being truly owned or dominated . My partner is a switch and although he enjoys dominating me he prefers to be a submissive which i try my best to accomidate but lately the need and desire for submission and training even a small set of consistant rules has been driving me insane. It can be scary at times because i feel that i will not be able to find the stability in him that i feel i need from a dom . Most of our scenes are simply role play and really hold no bearing , i find myself craving punishment ( even though i despise pain) for things i may have done during the day but i know i wont recieve it and it makes me uneasy. I really dont know what to do with the emotions that seem to be slowing engulfing my thoughts and my spirit.


I see this theme over and over again.  We have great communication BUT...They give me answer "I" don't like".  What the issue really is your not "hearing" what they are saying.  So you can "talk" until your lips turn blue and it's not going to make a bit of difference. 

I see many a post on here "You need to REALLY comunicate this or that"  I'm like no shit sherlock they have.  They just don't get why their partner won't make it happen.  It's like what part of "no" don't you understand.

BadOne



_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 7:03:27 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		He might not need a full time dom, but it doesn seem like you aren't getting everything to make you fulfilled.  A prime example of two people being kinky and accomodating for eachother still isn't automatically a recipe for success- just like two vanillas isn't automatically a good match.

It would be worse to avoid the issue over fear of "starting over."  You really need to work on this directly together and see what options exist for you both.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 7:19:36 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
I see many a post on here "You need to REALLY comunicate this or that"  I'm like no shit sherlock they have. 

You are used to command, and to the need for clear, terse communication.  You could end up in, um, Davy Jones's Locker, otherwise.  It shows in your posts.  I don't always agree with you, but I have never thought your position was vague.

Many people do not have your transactional prowess.  They are not as willing or able to express their wants and needs.  This gets worse when dealing with topics that cause shame, or when the speaker isn't sure what they really want either.  I think it's very common to have totally lousy non-conversations about kinky subjects, and then to say, "Well, hey, we talked about it."


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 2/29/2008 8:40:48 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		quit whinning be happy you have someone to play with  stop trying to change a person either like them for what they are or move on. do not let you sexual drive make you nuts trying to change or make someone something they are not.....  people do that a lot on here 

< Message edited by LATEXBABY64 -- 2/29/2008 8:43:26 PM >

(in reply to littlemissmalice)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: overwhelmed - dealing with a switch - 3/1/2008 10:46:37 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum
I see many a post on here "You need to REALLY comunicate this or that"  I'm like no shit sherlock they have. 

You are used to command, and to the need for clear, terse communication.  You could end up in, um, Davy Jones's Locker, otherwise.  It shows in your posts.  I don't always agree with you, but I have never thought your position was vague.

Many people do not have your transactional prowess.  They are not as willing or able to express their wants and needs.  This gets worse when dealing with topics that cause shame, or when the speaker isn't sure what they really want either.  I think it's very common to have totally lousy non-conversations about kinky subjects, and then to say, "Well, hey, we talked about it."



If someone can't tell their SO theirs wants and needs who can you tell???

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 17
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