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How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 5:28:21 PM

homework

Posts: 36
Joined: 11/11/2006
Status: offline

I was chatting with a Dom. Things were going so well. We then went to talking by phone. He was exactly what I was looking for. Stricter protocols and the pain play that Sir can't do for me. Then we met. The next day I had a gut wrenching e-mail that said in short go away. I am fine with that. The part that hurt was that he didn't have the nerve to tell me to my face when we met that things weren't going to work out. When i left him after dinner things were fine and then he did a complete 180. What do you do to get over that? What do you do to pick yourself up and try again and not give up on the whole thing? I mean I know it isn't any different then a vanilla break up but it was really just a slap in the face. any advice would be helpful.
respectfully,
homework

Post #: 1

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 5:41:57 PM

MsLadySue

Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline

This happens to all of us. I've met several submissives who seem to be just right for me when we have the first meeting. They say they like who I am and want to see me again then they either write that email changing their mind or disappear into the woodwork.

My advice is not to take it personally. I suspect many people can talk a good game and carry it over into a meeting but when it comes to the reality, they are not ready to make it happen. Keep trying but also keep in mind it is their loss for not following through.

_____________________________

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I love it when someone insults me. That means I don't have to be nice anymore.

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RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:05:05 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: homework

I was chatting with a Dom. Things were going so well. We then went to talking by phone. He was exactly what I was looking for. Stricter protocols and the pain play that Sir can't do for me. Then we met. The next day I had a gut wrenching e-mail that said in short go away. I am fine with that. The part that hurt was that he didn't have the nerve to tell me to my face when we met that things weren't going to work out. When i left him after dinner things were fine and then he did a complete 180. What do you do to get over that? What do you do to pick yourself up and try again and not give up on the whole thing? I mean I know it isn't any different then a vanilla break up but it was really just a slap in the face. any advice would be helpful.
respectfully,
homework

is it possible,that your currently being in a relationship was a factor?

(in reply to homework)

Post #: 3

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:10:36 PM

adoracat

Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline

i've *done* that. i enjoyed talking to the dominant. we had a very nice face-to-face meeting....

but he looks like my father, who was abusive to me. it literally made my skin crawl to have him touch me. he was pissed off about it, but i cannot help the way i feel, you know? and i told him "look, you're nearly 20 years older than i am, which isnt an issue. i like you. but because of this, i cannot fathom myself being comfortable with being touched by you, and it has NOTHING to do with you, it is all me and my issues."

sometimes it has NOTHING to do with you, or what you did, or if the dinner/meeting was lovely or not. maybe the chemistry just wasnt there in person. maybe you look too much like an old girlfriend who broke his heart. maybe your cologne turned his stomach, or brought up unpleasant memories (this one is a catch for me, the smell of old spice cologne makes me panic)...

sit back, catch your breath for a bit, and move on. last december was 3 years since my first dominant passed away, and one year since my former dominant passed away. i'm owned and collared again now....and while i wouldnt have traded one minute with either james or fallcon, Daddy makes me very happy.

be nice to yourself in the meantime.

kitten

(in reply to MsLadySue)

Post #: 4

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:20:39 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

This is why it is best to let men pursue in my opinion. Men know what they want, and they pursue what they want. If a man wants you it takes a lot to discourage him from pursuing you.. if he isn't into you, there just isn't anything that can be done about that.

I hate to say this, but it is your ego that is bruised from the sounds of it, you really did not know him. I have went on many vanilla dates where I thought it went good and they never called back, or vice versa... they kept calling and I evaded them. It is pretty standard that one waits for a date to end before deciding anything. He may have gotten home and he thought about it and decided it was best not to waste your time... be thankful that he did not waste any more of your precious time and went away sooner rather than later... when you were truly attached

_____________________________

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Post #: 5

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:24:03 PM

homework

Posts: 36
Joined: 11/11/2006
Status: offline

Thank you so much for y'alls kind words. These are all things I needed to hear. The thing that makes it just a little harder to let go of is the fact that he seemed to be genuinely excited to start on our way together, to meet Sir, and the fact that he had begun to make plans. I know things can change in the blink of an eye. But to go from "I can't wait to do....to you and then "Go Away". It really does put someone on edge.

(in reply to adoracat)

Post #: 6

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:25:11 PM

LadyHathor

Posts: 775
Joined: 1/2/2008
Status: offline

uhm you have a Sir and were meeting with another Dom??

as far as the love em and leave em goes, well things change and people think things through and it isnt right-- it is what it is.

_____________________________

Lady Hathor, I am the Mistress Hathor of Orleans, I am what I am, often to the dismay and discomfort of others.

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Post #: 7

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:31:48 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

It sounds to me as if they have an open relationship and that her sir has given her permission to play with others who can give her what she needs. Nothing wrong with that, imo. As long as everyone knows what's going on, and it sounds like they did.
Something happened, or was said, to make this guy change his mind.
Would have been nice if he had said what it was.
Maybe he was embarassed by it, Idk...
You could ask him, respectfully. He may then decide to share, or he may not.
It takes a long time to find someone who will work in this type of arrangement. I guess this guy just wasn't the one.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to LadyHathor)

Post #: 8

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 6:41:52 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: homework

I was chatting with a Dom. Things were going so well. We then went to talking by phone. He was exactly what I was looking for. Stricter protocols and the pain play that Sir can't do for me. Then we met. The next day I had a gut wrenching e-mail that said in short go away. I am fine with that. The part that hurt was that he didn't have the nerve to tell me to my face when we met that things weren't going to work out. When i left him after dinner things were fine and then he did a complete 180. What do you do to get over that? What do you do to pick yourself up and try again and not give up on the whole thing? I mean I know it isn't any different then a vanilla break up but it was really just a slap in the face. any advice would be helpful.
respectfully,
homework

Seriously. I think you're overreacting here a bit. Next time, don't invest yourself in someone who you haven't meant in person because physical chemistry isn't the same as cyber chemistry. All this after a simple dinner with someone? Okay, so he didn't have the guts to tell you to your face. That's his issue, not yours. If you fall apart this easily over someone whom you've only known for a day, you have much bigger issues with which to deal.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to homework)

Post #: 9

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 7:59:02 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Nobody likes rejection. And if you're not a sociopath, you aren't going to enjoy rejecting someone else. Is it cowardly to say only afterwards that it isn't going to work? Possibly, but it's also human. He didn't want to hurt you to your face.

And sometimes people do it this way because when they've said no thanks to someone's face; they get a lot of bad reactions. Such as loud scenes in the restaurant, such as begging and pleading, such as abuse comments and behavior.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 10

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 8:31:23 PM

homework

Posts: 36
Joined: 11/11/2006
Status: offline

I do have permission from my Sir to seek out another Dom. Sir is not into pain play. We are very open about all aspects of our relationship. I haven't fallen apart. It just took me by suprise. We had been speaking for two months. And yes I know all about the difference between cyber and real life. They are two totally different things. I know that people change there mind, and yes my ego was hurt- i have not been dumped in awhile, and I know some people have a hard time telling the truth to someone face to face. I don't- to me the truth is the best policy- you have to be tactful and choose your words carefully- but in the end the truth is the best way to go. Now I am by no way saying I am perfect and I do the right thing or say the right thing all the time but i really try to be a person of my word and when you meet me what you see is what you get. This way I don't waste time their time and they don't waste mine. I feel better already and I am ready to try again. Now I am just going to be that much smarter the next go around. I am after all pretty new to this.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/1/2008 9:50:50 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Personally I think the one you met did rather well...He did not leave you hanging, and or wondering why he went poof...He e-mailed you and said essentially no to an ongoing relationship..Yes, he could of done it face to face..but often times when one gets away from a situation and has time to ponder, that is when you get a more accurate fix on what you truly think..so hence, you should feel content that he thought enough of you to let you know that he was not interested...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

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Post #: 12

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 1:22:11 AM

Daddyscologirl

Posts: 14
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline

ok first off one question. over how long did all this evolve?

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)

Post #: 13

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 2:34:29 AM

petpete

Posts: 677
Joined: 7/6/2007
Status: offline

homework, don't take it personally it just wasn't there.. Good luck with your next one

_____________________________

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Max: And loving it!

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Post #: 14

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 5:04:36 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

Rejection hurts, no matter if it's in person or online. I'm sorry for the hurt but, think of it as a learning experience.

"This is why it is best to let men pursue in my opinion. Men know what they want, and they pursue what they want. If a man wants you it takes a lot to discourage him from pursuing you.. if he isn't into you, there just isn't anything that can be done about that. " juliaoceania's right.....better for them to do the pursuing. Do I always follow that advice? Of course not!

At the very least you weren't left hanging as to his feelings. As I've told others..."If I'm spinning my wheels, let me know". He let you know and now it's time to learn and let go. Wow...that was so easy for me to say, I'll have to be sure I remember those words when this situation comes up for me. Good luck.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 5:12:32 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Online and real life is very differant, who you appear to be how you talk yadda yadda, also you cant gage connection online. I spoke to a guy for months and then when I met him there was no spark what so ever, he was a nice guy and all but there was nothing there beyond that, we were both disapointed but there wasnt much point carrying on. It can be any number of things, to be honest if all he sent was a short mail saying thats the end of it I wouldnt much bother thinking about him, just get on out and try again. We all have to kiss a few frogs etc, it took me 14 months to find my current relationship, and all I keep thinking is thank god I didnt settle for anything in between.

_____________________________

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Post #: 16

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 5:12:55 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: homework

I was chatting with a Dom. Things were going so well. We then went to talking by phone. He was exactly what I was looking for. Stricter protocols and the pain play that Sir can't do for me. Then we met. The next day I had a gut wrenching e-mail that said in short go away. I am fine with that. The part that hurt was that he didn't have the nerve to tell me to my face when we met that things weren't going to work out. When i left him after dinner things were fine and then he did a complete 180. What do you do to get over that? What do you do to pick yourself up and try again and not give up on the whole thing? I mean I know it isn't any different then a vanilla break up but it was really just a slap in the face. any advice would be helpful.
respectfully,
homework

You chatted online then met. He didn't feel a connection and let you know the next day. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. People are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Would you have preferred that he kept you thinking that there was a connection? He did the right thing. You just didn't like that option.

_____________________________

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Post #: 17

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 5:21:44 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Yeah, I really don't see where the closure is gonna be any different should he have been a real man and told you that you were a fucking pig during the dessert course.

You had a date, a nice time, he didnt ruin your night, and he didn't string you along, it seems as though you got your imaginationative heart going on way ahead of reality.

Don't take it so hard, think of it as a pleasant time, one of many happy interludes in the fabric of space-time, don't think you have to orgasm every time, that is just so---so ---- mannish!!!!!

Buck up, kid. You will find it.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 18

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 5:28:28 AM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

Trust me, homework, if he sould have told you that face to face you would have considered him a complete jerk. EVen when I have met someone in person and I knew it wasnt going to work, I respected their feelings enough to wait until we were apart andlet them know how it went. Why? Simple, to avoid the potetnailly overly emotional argument that my opinion is wrong, the possible crying jag, the name calling and any of the other behaviors associated with rejection that do not transfer as caustically over email or the phone.
You didnt click in person. No matter what he was tlaking about wanting to do with you before you met, your realities didnt work out. He was a gentleman about it, and let you know afterwards. It was only one meeting, it isnt as if after a month of courting, he does an about face. If you are going to begin looking again, remember this might happen often. Or it may never happen again. Either way, dont let every time a first date doesnt work out send you into a tailspin that needs "getting over". Thats going to make for a very long very difficult search. Essentially, dont get attached to anyone until you get to know them face to face. Anyone can talk pretty online, but until you have that real connection, they are just names and words.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 19

RE: How do things go so wrong so quickly? - 3/2/2008 6:10:11 AM

justdavid

Posts: 30
Joined: 7/19/2005
From: Saint Joseph, MO
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
You chatted online then met. He didn't feel a connection and let you know the next day. I'm trying to figure out what the problem is. People are damned if they do and damned if they don't. Would you have preferred that he kept you thinking that there was a connection? He did the right thing. You just didn't like that option.

I have to agree with this. I find it hypocritical to think we type words to get to know each other but cannot type words to say I am no longer interested.

Now of course I am not saying if you had spent a lot of time or even some time in real life but one meeting. Sorry most people do not start the clock running until meeting in real time and he did let you know. Most people after a first date usually do not even do that.

_____________________________

I am not a know it all. I just play one in cyber.

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Post #: 20

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