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bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 6:36:35 PM   
lilredvixen2


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/19/2005
Status: offline 		hi all!
i'm a newbie to the site (and somewhat to bdsm as well) and have to say this site seems to be wealth of information about all things bdsm! one observation i've had in reading various profiles is that lots of folks seem to have "traditional" relationships with their doms/masters outside of the bdsm activities (ie husband/wife, living together, etc). if i may ask those of you in that position, does the outside relationship enhance/strengthen the bdsm bond, or do the two not really have anything to do with each other? and do you think it's possible to have a fulfilling bdsm relationship if you didn't have such a relationship (ie if the two of you really were only involved as a master/slave and nothing else)? thanks in advance, and hope my ramblings made sense!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 6:42:23 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Everyone is looking for something different. What works for me may not work for you.

To me, communication is the key, whether it be about the lifestyle or just vanilla activities.

I'm not so sure BDSM strenghtens our bond or not....I'd probably say no.
In a full time relationship you cannot play 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There has to be off time to deal with lifes daily challenges.

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 7:41:19 PM   
OscarHargraves


Posts: 693
Joined: 8/9/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I'm on the other side of the fence. I'm married to a wonderful woman in the Vanilla world who doesn't want to play in the BDSM lifestyle. I have a Sub who's man is going to be away for a considerable amount of time so we play together. Besides being Dom & Sub we are also good friends and operate as such in the 'real' world. I find that having her as a friend is very important to me and does strengthen our BDSM side. I'm not sure if I would say the opposite is true, but it very well may be also. I enjoy her company and her intelligence just like I enjoy her submission and her body. They are both important to me. In fact I doubt that I could really have any kind of a BDSM relationship with someone that I didn't like and enjoy in the Vanilla world.

Oh, and Sub4hire is exactly correct in my opinion. Communication is the key to making ANY relationship work.

Hope this helps.

< Message edited by OscarHargraves -- 9/21/2005 7:42:29 PM >

_____________________________

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly ! !

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 8:24:18 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		My wife is also my Gorean Free Companion and a dominant as I am. Strangely the two of us being Dominants works well especially in a Gorean Home. I doubt if I could live with some ione who was vanilla and non Pagan.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to OscarHargraves)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 8:51:24 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I'm pretty non-traditional. Whatever works for you. It's impossible to say how much any realtionship is "actually" traditional versus "appears" traditional. For a lot of people their relationships are founded on love and support, with bdsm and Ds simply added as icing. For some people, the Ds is the foundation of the relationship and the love and companionship are just perks.

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 9:05:22 PM   
nella


Posts: 1243
Joined: 12/30/2004
From: Norway
Status: offline 		It will wary from person to person if a tradition realtionship in adition to BDSM is wished for or requierd, some want it some dont.

i am the fiance of my Dom and yes BDSM do make our realtionship better, and it gives our relationship more structure.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 10:30:18 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Personally i think the vanilla in Master's and mine relationship strengthens our BDSM relationship. i think with out the "vanilla" or the love part, i couldnt be slavish with him. (LOL slavish) i couldnt give up all control, or endure as much as i would endure for him. i couldnt sit back and let him "drive the car" where ever he chooses to go with out asking "who what when where and why" To me, the vanilla adds an extra amount of love and care. It makes things more meaningful. Its helped me open alot more. With out the vanilla part of our relationship, BDSM would prolly be a very emotionless thing for me.

but then i'm wierd and as Master says a "romantic slave"

(in reply to nella)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 10:36:28 PM   
ChastityLocked


Posts: 173
Joined: 9/16/2005
Status: offline 		well, its impossible for me to find females who are already into bondage and bdsm, so its a tough enuf time getting a "vanilla" girl (i was like "wtf is a vanilla" when i first got here and i still dislike it, oh well) to be accepting of this stuff. I recently sat down with my "girlfriend" today and told/showed her what i like and whats important to me. she was very accepting of it, and is very into a lot of it. Keeping the bondage/fetish stuff private is the best way to go, but getting her a collar is a nice secret sign that your the master and she will always be with you, that sorta thing.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/21/2005 10:54:22 PM   
MissChicane


Posts: 39
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		In my experience, having a very strong vanilla relationship before adding the BDSM aspect worked best (for me). With a strong vanilla relationship down, we were able to 'invoke' a D/s lifestyle which happened to compliment and fortify our relationship even more. Because of the path we chose, we've been together for about 7 years and still going strong. On the other hand, I tried a relationship with D/s first and it ended up in heartbreak. Now we're trying it with her vanilla first, but things seem too far gone.

(in reply to ChastityLocked)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/22/2005 12:02:30 AM   
luvdragonx


Posts: 388
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

I'm pretty non-traditional. Whatever works for you. It's impossible to say how much any realtionship is "actually" traditional versus "appears" traditional. For a lot of people their relationships are founded on love and support, with bdsm and Ds simply added as icing. For some people, the Ds is the foundation of the relationship and the love and companionship are just perks.


I think you just summed up what I've been trying to get at for 3 days. That makes so much sense that I have to go home now.

_____________________________

Never Without Love

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/22/2005 9:56:48 AM   
firefighteremt


Posts: 24
Joined: 7/5/2005
From: Buffalo NY (AREA)
Status: offline 		I feel the same way as MissChicane. I need a solid vanilla relationship with someone I know is into being a sub. The vanilla ralationship is the foundation that is only added to with our D/s relationship. Its a good partnership but I can totally see why people who want and need to do it in another way. Basically whatever works for you...works for you


_____________________________

It's your life...You live it

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/22/2005 10:27:11 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Fox and I never had a vanilla relationship, we started off with my formally training him after meeting him at our local events.

However, we did go into a lot of what might be called "vanilla" stuff -- his education goals, his view of his future and me of mine, television, movies, books, politics, religion.

I need someone I can be completely myself and I've found that the more I have in common with a person, the more likely we are to work well together as slave and owner.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/22/2005 10:32:47 AM   
Faramir


Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
For a lot of people their relationships are founded on love and support, with bdsm and Ds simply added as icing. For some people, the Ds is the foundation of the relationship and the love and companionship are just perks.


And for still others there is no duality - instead unity.

Not D/s plus an I - Thou relationship, or an I - Thou relationship plus D/s, but rather a relationship that must by the nature of the participants have a particular modality.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/22/2005 1:21:34 PM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lilredvixen2

hi all!
i'm a newbie to the site (and somewhat to bdsm as well) and have to say this site seems to be wealth of information about all things bdsm! one observation i've had in reading various profiles is that lots of folks seem to have "traditional" relationships with their doms/masters outside of the bdsm activities (ie husband/wife, living together, etc). if i may ask those of you in that position, does the outside relationship enhance/strengthen the bdsm bond, or do the two not really have anything to do with each other? and do you think it's possible to have a fulfilling bdsm relationship if you didn't have such a relationship (ie if the two of you really were only involved as a master/slave and nothing else)? thanks in advance, and hope my ramblings made sense!



My relationship with toy is strictly that of owner and property, although we do live under the same roof and we have had a child together. Our living arrangement is irrelevant to our relationship except that it's much more convienant. Sharing a child, which might have created a massive shift in our arrangement, hasn't had any real impact. While each relationship is different, D/s can stand alone as the heart of a realtionship.
Timothy

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/23/2005 7:39:05 PM   
Ks


Posts: 9
Joined: 8/29/2005
Status: offline 		to me a good friendship is the foundation even in a M/s role, and that friendship is based on all things in our lives, our friends, hobbies.. etc..

all should be balanced


(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/24/2005 6:16:46 AM   
sunshine333


Posts: 203
Joined: 8/16/2005
Status: offline 		thanks for posting your question, vixen. it really made me think ... as did something you said, subforhire ...

"In a full time relationship you cannot play 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There has to be off time to deal with lifes daily challenges. "

in my experience as a slave the only time off i had was when i was not owned. meaning ... when owned i was always a slave regardless of what i/we were doing. whether i was alone, at work, driving, doing dishes or serving sexually ... i was doing so as a slave. i've never felt that separation between "play" and "not play."

of course, this thread could go on endlessly with everyone's personal definition of play and the way in which we relate to the lifestyle. and how lucky we are that there's room for it all. :)

~sunshine

(in reply to Ks)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/24/2005 8:58:29 AM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshine333

in my experience as a slave the only time off i had was when i was not owned. meaning ... when owned i was always a slave regardless of what i/we were doing. whether i was alone, at work, driving, doing dishes or serving sexually ... i was doing so as a slave. i've never felt that separation between "play" and "not play."



And that's the way it works here as well. He is always Master, whether we're down in the dungeon or at the grocery store or getting lost in a corn maze. I love Him, and He loves me, but I'm still here to serve Him. Master and slave are not roles we assume when we wish to play (not that there's anything wrong with that, because all relationships operate on the needs of the individuals within them). It is who and what we are, in all aspects of our lives.

(in reply to sunshine333)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/24/2005 11:05:40 AM   
ChereeAmoor


Posts: 185
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline 		Without the outside or major relationship, there would BE no BDSM in my world. I'm all about that trust and communication thing, and the more life my relationship has, in terms of health and length, the better the BDSM gets.

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/24/2005 6:39:43 PM   
chainedsinner


Posts: 15
Joined: 9/4/2005
Status: offline 		For me, i've found that both "vanilla time" and the bdsm aspects of a relationship are two necessary parts of one relationship. Since getting involved with bdsm, i've learned alot more about things like trust and communication. Those are the things that can make or break a relationship. So, back to the original question, i think each aspect compliments the other.

(in reply to ChereeAmoor)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: bdsm and "traditional" relationships - 9/24/2005 7:39:30 PM   
mystictryst


Posts: 125
Joined: 9/6/2005
Status: offline 		I met my Master under the pretense of my becoming a sub.. I was new to BDSM and had no experience...

I found, for us at first, it made things easier. There was a certain level of expectation - I was being trained to behave a certain way, act a certain way... It took away the guess work of who was going to be the dominant partner in the relationship...

I had found in my previous relationships that there was always a power struggle - who was going to "lead" the relationship... With Master, we knew.

Now, several years later, it plays less and less importance. We always know who is "the boss", but we really have come to share our lives equally.

(in reply to lilredvixen2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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