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a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 6:43:58 PM   
MaurineLouise


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		i am new to this whole scene...but i find it exciting and enticing. my current partner said he would be comfortable with me delving into it because he feels like if this is what i'm drawn to...he doesn't want me to regret not doing it later on. latley, after we have had this discussion though he has been trying to...sort of dominate me...which isn't so much a turn off as perplexing. i guess the point of this post is, in anyone's experience is it better to get into with someone you already know...or is it more beneficial to start fresh with someone experienced to teach me seperate from my relationship with him.
sorry if that sounds confusing or foolish...but i really want some help, thanks
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 6:53:27 PM   
MaurineLouise


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		please?

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 6:53:28 PM   
BlueEyedSubinDE


Posts: 56
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		Why not find a couple that will mentor you both?  What is it you think you need to learn?  I don't know anything about your current relationship, but if you are happy in it, why would you want to give it up to as you say start fresh with someone new?

(in reply to MaurineLouise)
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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 6:56:00 PM   
MaurineLouise


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/1/2008
Status: offline 		well what i am worried about is that he is just acting like this so that he wont lose me to someone else... or worse yet,that this is somehow going to put a stain on our relationship...if you follow; i am sort of afraid to be honest with him about my feelings...or that changes in our sexual relationship will result in changes in our i guess "vanilla" life...like...he will start controlling my financial decisions, or career decisions or something...has that ever happened to anyone?

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 6:57:35 PM   
PanthersMom


Posts: 2215
Joined: 11/26/2007
From: Cleveland Ohio
Status: offline 		explore it together, what can it hurt to give it a try?  then if it doesn't work, that question will be out of the way and you can move along your path of self discovery.

PM

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 7:09:54 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		The main part of any relationship is honest, open communication. Your partner, whoever he may be, will only take control of what you allow him to control. You set your own limits and stick to what works in your best interests. The person who will dominate you should respect those limits.

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 7:15:53 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		I know several couples who started out exploring it together and it worked out well for them.  Have a few sit down talks with him' tell each other what it is that interests both of you, try some stuff out, talk some more.......and have fun!

edited cuz I can't spell tonight!

< Message edited by catize -- 3/1/2008 7:17:16 PM >

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(in reply to MaurineLouise)
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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 7:28:59 PM   
TethersEnd


Posts: 102
Joined: 1/29/2007
Status: offline 		Good God Woman, if you love the Man (ok like really well) the only thing you can do is to take a leap of faith. 
Only YOU know if he has what you need, and when it comes right down to it, it's all in the negotiating. 
There is nothing written in stone that it has to be this way or that, its all in what you make it. 



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The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 7:42:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Communication.

He can't take control of your finances unless you agree. And you won't agree unless he can prove through his handling of his own that he is more knowledgable. At which point, you might well find yourself asking him to help you set up a budget.

But is he going to suddenly choke you half to death if you don't sign over your paycheck? Not unless he wants you to run, not walk, to the police and file charges of assault and theft.

See, you have to consent to everything. The moment you say "I withdraw consent"  or "No fucking way", then he can't take control. And for those of us who have given over more control than you now think you could ever feel comfortable with, remember that we didn't do this the first day. A good relationship is one where the trust deepens everyday, and where you come to admire and respect your partner more and more. And because of this deep trust and consent, plus your knowlege gained through years of being together of how capable he is in certain areas, you become happy to turn over those areas to him. Just as good dominants, who happen to be bad money managers, become happy to turn over budgeting to their submissives should that submissive have proved herself to be more competent.

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 8:03:01 PM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		I say jump right in with both feet.  It sounds to me like he is willing to at least try.  That's more than I've encountered in the past.

The main thing here; be honest with him.  I'm pretty new to this, too, having only just begun to realize the extent of my own deviancy.  I find that there are things we do that I don't like, many more that I do, and I'm willing to try almost anything else.  I say if he's willing to give it a shot, talk it out, do it again.  Keep doing it until you get it right.  Then once you get it right, do it again.  Practice, practice, practice.  Much better than piano lessons.

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 8:14:19 PM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		It isn't so much a matter of technique as of pleasing each other and yourselves. So long as you keep basic health and safety in mind, it doesn't much matter whether Sir Exety Ex of Whopp-Tee-Doo flogs in a certain manner, which you must emulate - what matters is that you and your SO like what is happening and get a thrill from it.

_____________________________

Bethical
Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
I yam what I yam - Popeye

http://www.myspace.com/bethical_wheels


(in reply to StormsSlave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 8:14:48 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsLadySue

The main part of any relationship is honest, open communication. Your partner, whoever he may be, will only take control of what you allow him to control. You set your own limits and stick to what works in your best interests. The person who will dominate you should respect those limits.
This is an excellent answer...You can have multiple limits as to what control you turn over, and as the years or whatever passes and the trust is earned through life and time ,will each limit eventually be released...communication and time ,that is always the key...the absolute most important thing is ...know thyself first!!...Tempting

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I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to MsLadySue)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/1/2008 8:16:29 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaurineLouise

i am new to this whole scene...but i find it exciting and enticing. my current partner said he would be comfortable with me delving into it because he feels like if this is what i'm drawn to...he doesn't want me to regret not doing it later on. latley, after we have had this discussion though he has been trying to...sort of dominate me...which isn't so much a turn off as perplexing. i guess the point of this post is, in anyone's experience is it better to get into with someone you already know...or is it more beneficial to start fresh with someone experienced to teach me seperate from my relationship with him.
sorry if that sounds confusing or foolish...but i really want some help, thanks


I'm wondering if you both tried to approach this from a slightly different angle. At first instead of trying to jump in with both feet in a D/s dynamic, if you pick up a few books, do some reading and try out different things. Along the way, you both should begin to better understand what you like, dislike and absolutely love and the same applies to your partner. As you both learn more of your wants needs and desire, then begin to incorporate more of the BDSM aspect into your relationship. I think half the fun is in the exploring of this dynamic and one side effect is it may draw you both closer together as a couple.


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(in reply to MaurineLouise)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 7:22:58 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Maurine.... there is no right way to get into this... But there is your way and my way and everyone else's way.....

In the end.. you need to carefully consider your choices before acting on them.  Seems people are in lust with convience.... Microwaves... Fast Food Restraunts.... and we want fast ways to have a successful relationship... give me the way to do it and I follow the steps and get the results.  

Stop looking for the way to do it....... instead.... look for different WAYS to do it.. and maybe think of a few ways to do it differently yourself... then make a choice on what you are going to do. 

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MaurineLouise)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 7:44:54 AM   
dcfirmhand


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/23/2008
From: DC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MaurineLouise

well what i am worried about is that he is just acting like this so that he wont lose me to someone else... or worse yet,that this is somehow going to put a stain on our relationship...if you follow; i am sort of afraid to be honest with him about my feelings...or that changes in our sexual relationship will result in changes in our i guess "vanilla" life...like...he will start controlling my financial decisions, or career decisions or something...has that ever happened to anyone?


So if you're worried about it, you should ask him! :-)

A D/s relationship -- or any relationship -- without open communication isn't going to work very well. Kudos to you for broaching the subject with him, but just bringing it up isn't enough. Those lines of communication need to stay open. You need to be able to tell him what you want and don't want (e.g. financial/career control). Being open and specific about what you're thinking will help get the same from him. So talk to him about it.

He might not be a Dominant, and, in the long run, he might not be able to give you what you want. Or you might find out that what you want as a submissive isn't as important to you as the other things that this man can provide as your partner. Or, it might turn out that this person you already care about can turn into the Dom you're looking for. But, as another poster said, if you care about this person, you owe it to yourself and to him to be open with him and willing to let him learn to dominate as you learn to submit.

(in reply to MaurineLouise)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 7:58:56 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Maurine.... there is no right way to get into this... But there is your way and my way and everyone else's way.....

In the end.. you need to carefully consider your choices before acting on them.  Seems people are in lust with convience.... Microwaves... Fast Food Restraunts.... and we want fast ways to have a successful relationship... give me the way to do it and I follow the steps and get the results.  

Stop looking for the way to do it....... instead.... look for different WAYS to do it.. and maybe think of a few ways to do it differently yourself... then make a choice on what you are going to do. 

That...is pure poetry...Ya'll said it much better than I could have.

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If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


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Profile   Post #: 16
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 7:59:32 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Coming onto the boards and joining other sites, finding out what it is that you feel you want him doing the same talking about what you discover in yourself. Everyone has to start somewhere and we all feel a bit unsure when we first start out. You are lucky to have a partner at least interested in exploring it with you. When I first stumbled on to it all I knew that I was interested in  it but i had no clue about what capacity etc I found that talking to other people, research, reading etc helped my understanding. Things that repelled me initially I love now. Its just about development and self discovery really. You cant force yourself convincingly into a role, it wont work. Just talk about it and see what happens. Good luck, you will find many people willing to help you. 

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 7:59:58 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		You might want to try to find some like-minded folks in your area -- either local munches, groups or events?  Finding people you can talk to about this is helpful.

I'm not sure where you are,  there might be something

good luck

(in reply to MaurineLouise)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 8:00:00 AM   
manwholuvs


Posts: 30
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline 		I think that matters most in answer to your question is trust.  It sounds like you may have some trust issues with him which you should first deal with for without trust nothing is truely possible.  If you can deal with that and he wants to explore this as well with you then and only then do I say give it a chance.  If on the other hand your trust in him is not complete and your deep desires are to explore this, then I would say to take a step and venture out to see if you might meet one where the trust and bond do exist.

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Respectfully
Manwholuvs

(in reply to dcfirmhand)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 8:53:51 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Wait.

It's a lot easier to accept you like someone spanking you than it is to accept you like to hit girls. Now that goes against 20some years of upbringing. Ask him to do some fun light stuff to you. And give him lots of positive feedback. Tell him how hot it makes you and could he do it again soon, pretty please.

I would have to say a new top needs about six months of reassurance, especially in the form of you jumping his bones, before the immediate positive feedback begins to overcome all those years of being told that men who hit women are abusive. Of course, two or three years down the line you may be wishing you hadn't started this. Because once they unleash all those repressed desires, it will come back to haunt you in terms of being too sore to sit or begging time off for your nipples to recover.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 20
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