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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 8:56:49 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Wait.

It's a lot easier to accept you like someone spanking you than it is to accept you like to hit girls. Now that goes against 20some years of upbringing. Ask him to do some fun light stuff to you. And give him lots of positive feedback. Tell him how hot it makes you and could he do it again soon, pretty please.

I would have to say a new top needs about six months of reassurance, especially in the form of you jumping his bones, before the immediate positive feedback begins to overcome all those years of being told that men who hit women are abusive. Of course, two or three years down the line you may be wishing you hadn't started this. Because once they unleash all those repressed desires, it will come back to haunt you in terms of being too sore to sit or begging time off for your nipples to recover.

I would say that the idea of light bondage and spanking has far less of a stigma now in society and isnt seen as abuse, its part and parcal of the kinky spice up a marriage theme that has been occuring in recent years. I am not saying that there isnt still the feeling that hitting women is wrong but i think many now can see the distinction between thumping a woman and spanking her ass as foreplay even if it is not to the extent that many of us may enjoy it.

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/2/2008 9:21:04 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
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I have read all the posts in this thread, and you have gotten some great advice...TRUST & COMMUNICATION are the most important things in ANY good relationship - vanilla, D/s, romantic, friendship...add to that mutual respect and a desire to know your partner is happy, and you can count on a successful relationship - even if only a friendship if it doesn't work out.

You are with him for a reason now. You have taken the step to tell him about this. He seems to want to try. Dominance is not always natural for some people (the best Dom/mes just have it in them) but I do believe someone may not really know what their capabilities are being Dominant. It is hard to be told by the submissive person what they want, and trying to Dominate to make someone happy. Instead, he has to find out if he really has this in him - and the best way to bring it out is to read, go to munches, find a Mentor couple if possible, or even a Pro Domme. I have actually coached 2 couples where the submissive brought it to the relationship - but the Dominant did not have the confidence or felt they were just role playing for their partner. Both cases - I was able to talk to both people separately - find out about their wants/needs, and then brainstorm with the other so they may think the ideas they had were their own. I would do this again in a heartbeat - because it was so fulfilling to see a couple expand their relationship.

In a D/s relationship myself, that is vanilla as well, I feel it is the best relationship I have ever had. There are no secrets, no voids we are looking for others to fill, we can play, have fun, and also enjoy just everyday life.

As for giving him too much control - you do have limits, and the right to say no. Dominance and submission are just equal yet opposite roles. If you are truly looking to submit, you should get pleasure from his happiness, and he should make decisions that protect the relationship and show he cares for you. The more trust you build, and the stronger the relationship, the more control you will feel comfortable turning over.

I think he must care for you a great deal to want you to be happy, and not have the regrets of "what if" one day. If, after trying different ways to make this happen, you find that he is not comfortable Dominating you, or you don't have the desire to submit to him and you want to pursue a D/s relationship, my advice is to continue to be open with him. If you have to walk away, at least you can know you did the best you could.

GOOD LUCK!

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RE: a question of relationships... - 3/3/2008 2:17:09 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MaurineLouise

well what i am worried about is that he is just acting like this so that he wont lose me to someone else... or worse yet,that this is somehow going to put a stain on our relationship...if you follow; i am sort of afraid to be honest with him about my feelings...or that changes in our sexual relationship will result in changes in our i guess "vanilla" life...like...he will start controlling my financial decisions, or career decisions or something...has that ever happened to anyone?

OK the short answer is YES this can happen, it happened to Me. Except My ex hubby decided to try to be submissive so he wouldn't lose Me. It didn't work, he was already a fetishist (a cross-dresser) but contrary to popular expectation, that didn't translate to being submissive, instead it was still all about him. Eventually it ended, which is why he is now the ex-hubby. However, while a part of Me regrets that I "lost" those 5 years, in terms of perhaps finding another "real" submissive while I was that much younger, the other part of Me doesn't regret it for I know it was worth that last try. (Maybe I could have called it quits a bit sooner though, I just hate to admit defeat LOL!). And I know that despite how it worked out, he learned a lot from it all, met a lot of great people who accepted him and his high heels ... and that was valuable.

However, while you feel that your partner may be trying to be Dominant just to please you or keep you ... you can't really make that judgement call yet. Even if he is a Dominant in the closet ... it's all going to feel pretty strange to both of you at first. So don't be too hasty. I second the suggestion of finding a real live person or couple to mentor you both. And that should involve some discussions all together ... and some separately. He will need to express his concerns and reservations to a trusted mentor who should work to build his skillset and his confidence. Also do be aware that what seems crazy to you now may well seem very exciting in 6 months or a year! Be prepared to grow and change and have your minds expanded to different possibilities. While limits are important, and there are probably some you can say NEVER about, there may well be more that you feel "Not bloody likely!" about now ... but be aware, that could change! Be open-minded.

This type of relationship requires honesty ... so hiding your feelings from him is a bad idea. Open, transparent ... that's what is needed and yes, it is hard to do! We are so often inculcated into hiding how we really feel or restricting ourself to saying less than we should. It takes a great effort, much bravery and strength of character and a lot of trust to be open and also to receive someone else's open communication appropriately. That's one of the refreshing things about D/s!

Re your vanilla life ... well as others have said, that depends on what you both agree is open for control. Generally it's a bad idea to submit everything all at once ... very hard for you to do, very scary for you to do ... and terrifying for the Dominant to take it all on too! Start small, really start with more Topping and bottoming than Dominance and submission. Learn some basic skills. Perhaps agree just to keep it to the bedroom to begin. Even have a little ritual or key words that signal when D/s begins and again when it ends and you return to being vanilla. Now, should he prove to be a great Dom and you prove to be a great sub, there are some possible outcomes:
1) you both end up being perfectly happy with this being just a bedroom thing and that's how it stays
2) you both end up wanting more and so gradually negotiate for you to yield control over more and more aspects of your life ... that can really only be successful when a lot of trust has been built up
3) the only problem arises when one wants to take it much further than the other is willing to. Then there has to be a lot of negotiation to find a middle ground, if there is one.

Also be aware that the fears you have are perfectly normal, and are simply signs that you aren't going into this blindly or irresponsibly, but you are actually thinking about it. That's good!

Good luck!
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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