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Gone - 3/3/2008 12:12:51 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline 		How to you go about unlearning all of the things that you have made habits in a D/s relationship? How do you change the wiring in your head? How do you stop thinking "I need to wear this, do this, sit like this because it makes Him happy"?

Another girl my Dom plays with has become pregnant. After much discussion, she is keeping the baby, and they will be moving in together.

This post is not about non-monogamy. I knew, and am completely fine with the fact that He was not monogamous to me.

While these circumstances (the pregnancy) may be less than ideal it is not something that would have made me end the relationship, as long as all parties knew. I let Him know that. He thanked me for my patience and understanding, but said His world is upside down, and will be calling me tomorrow (to end things between us, I believe). He finally read the email where I told Him that I loved Him (nearly two weeks after I sent it, as He was dealing with this). He "doesn't know what to say".

I am not angry. I know He emphatically did not want children, and this impacts His life so much more than it impacts mine. I am sad, but respect the fact that He is doing the honorable thing.

I just feel so lost. Everything from the way I dressed, what I wore to sleep in, to personal grooming were centered around Him. How do you stop thinking about someone when EVERYTHING you do reminds you of them, because your brain had as it's central goal "Make Him happy?".

I was so very, very happy. I know how to grieve the relationship. It's how to go back to being just me, not His toy, that I find a little confusing.


Advice would be appreciated.



_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:25:41 PM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		state,
The only "advice" I could offer is you didn't learn all of those things in one day, so don't expect to unlearn them in a day also. I think that what you have wrote is very mature and shows a lot about who you are. I can't begin to understand how you feel, so I won't pretend. Take it slow. I truly wish you the best.
LordVelvet

_____________________________

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

(in reply to Statepalace)
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RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:30:24 PM   
tarnishdhaylo


Posts: 44
Joined: 8/23/2007
Status: offline 		This is a very difficult place to be in, I wish you well.

(in reply to LordVelvet)
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RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:33:17 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		That just sucks. 

(in reply to tarnishdhaylo)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:34:06 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I know a few months ago you eloquently stated that you wanted to wait to tell him of your feelings because it could wait, (I'm paraphrasing obviously), and that no matter what you would be happy to have the extra few months.
Try to hold on to the good.
And also remember the bad, as well.
Take time for yourself, to grieve, and to heal.
I wish for you peace in your heart, and love in your soul.
What's meant to be will be...
I'm so sorry though.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to tarnishdhaylo)
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RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:34:38 PM   
subtee


Posts: 5133
Joined: 7/26/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps this would be a time to really be with yourself, investigate what you like and don't like, wear and do things he perhaps wouldn't have appreciated, but that you might enjoy. Get to know yourself alone again...it will make for a healthier, happier person when you're with someone new.

_____________________________

Don't believe everything you think...

(in reply to Statepalace)
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RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:35:34 PM   
SeeksOnlyOne


Posts: 2012
Joined: 5/14/2007
Status: offline 		patience hon.....after the breakup of my 20 year marriage, and the breakup of me and my first dom, i actually set a time limit on mourning.  i gave my self one month for the ending of the marriage, and one day in the ending of the other relationship.  then i just refused to look back, refused to have regrets, and realized all of it helped me become who i am today.

of course, i have no idea if i would have had the strength to do this at your age.  and thats not youth bashing, just the facts as they realate to me and my experiences.

good luck, and just remember, you are going to be all right.....go slow

_____________________________

it aint no good til it hurts just a little bit....jimmy somerville

in those moments of solitude, does everyone sometimes think they are insane? or is it just me?

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:37:14 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		wow, seeks...that's a very short amount of time for the grief/healing process.
did it really work?

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:38:22 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, I am thinking that now, it does in some respects make you happy, that is not the end of it.

There are other things that make you happy, if you want to mow the lawn at midnight, do it.  If you want to wash your car in the rain, do it.  If you want to learn belly dancing or tai chi or deep sea diving, do it.

I feel for you, but just remember mnottertail said the future is so goddamn bright you gotta wear shades, honey and I am a dominant, so you have to obey.


Huggies (and some kleenex),

Ron



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:39:54 PM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		blushes,
I was kind of thinking the same thing but I am a guy so what do I know
LordVelvet

_____________________________

It's better to be hated for who you are than loved for who you're not - Van Zant

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:42:55 PM   
SeekingDomme2Lov


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/17/2007
Status: offline 		I might as well be the unfeeling male asshole here.

"I'll wait until later to tell him/her how I feel" is stoooooooopid, 100% of the time.  You might be dead tomorrow.  Someone might be pregnant tomorrow.  What if he felt the same way about you, months ago?  Later doesn't always come -- and, if it does, sometimes it is too late.

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:43:14 PM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended.

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:46:59 PM   
mefisto69


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/19/2007
Status: offline 		If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended.

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:50:28 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordVelvet

state,
The only "advice" I could offer is you didn't learn all of those things in one day, so don't expect to unlearn them in a day also.


I very much agree.  Such things take time - sometimes a long time.  Be patient with yourself, and gentle with yourself.

I remember when I left my husband of nearly 20 years, I had very little idea of my own personal preferences because for so many years I could never exercise them.  The very first time I went grocery shopping for myself only, I walked up and down the isles with an empty cart, very slowly, and found that I had tears running down my face because I didn't know what I liked and didn't know what to buy.

So I remembered that before we got married, I loved oreos.  I bought a pack of oreos and a half gallon of milk and went home.  I figured I took tackle shopping "tomorrow." 

The point is, start slow and start easy, working your way up.  Put on your most comfortable outfit and most comfy pair of shoes.  Wear them for a day.  At least you'll be comfortable as you begin experimenting on what you like and what you don't.  You can still rely on the the teachings you received, that work well in your life.  Cliche as it sounds, one step at a time.  Don't try to tackle it all at once.

And when all else fails, eat an oreo.  It was a good starting point for me, anyway. :)

(in reply to LordVelvet)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:50:29 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline 		Thanks for the tissues. I need them right at this minute.


I know a lot of other things make me happy. But this. This felt like the way some people talk about religion. Peace and satisfaction and purpose. Gone. Having the 'why' to everything was such a secure thing. I don't even know why for anything right now.

He's the why for so many things. I lost 35 pounds last year (divorce weight). He didn't tell me to, I just wanted to because He made me happy.

I interviewed for my new job the morning before I met Him, and I decided to take it so that I could stay in a city that He frequented. I moved out of my broken down, no a/c condo and into a wonderful little house because He said "you're so unhappy there. Why not change something?".

The confidence in knowing that you really made someones day (because He told me I did). He was so nice to me, all the time. Nicer than anyone else, ever.



And we never fought. Never a mean word said between us. Right before V-Day  we spent hours on cam just being goofy with gifts. It would be easier if we had fought. I'm 30 in two weeks. He asked me what I wanted. He was planning another trip here.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:51:45 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mefisto69

If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended.



I've made a list of places to go volunteer. I hope that helps me, but even if it doesn't it will help someone else.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to mefisto69)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:52:51 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingDomme2Lov

I might as well be the unfeeling male asshole here.

"I'll wait until later to tell him/her how I feel" is stoooooooopid, 100% of the time.  You might be dead tomorrow.  Someone might be pregnant tomorrow.  What if he felt the same way about you, months ago?  Later doesn't always come -- and, if it does, sometimes it is too late.




Her pregnancy isn't the issue. He did not, and does not, feel that way about me. But "seize the day" is generally good advice.

< Message edited by Statepalace -- 3/3/2008 12:55:51 PM >

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to SeekingDomme2Lov)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:54:47 PM   
Statepalace


Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne

patience hon.....after the breakup of my 20 year marriage, and the breakup of me and my first dom, i actually set a time limit on mourning.  i gave my self one month for the ending of the marriage, and one day in the ending of the other relationship.  then i just refused to look back, refused to have regrets, and realized all of it helped me become who i am today.

of course, i have no idea if i would have had the strength to do this at your age.  and thats not youth bashing, just the facts as they realate to me and my experiences.

good luck, and just remember, you are going to be all right.....go slow



I can mourn, and move through the grief. That's not the problem. I too have ended a marriage, and while not 20 years, 6.5 is a decent stretch.

It's just that so much else is missing.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 12:55:25 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Well, with or without him, you are still all of those wonderful things, so don't toss them away.  Think for a moment about what he is going through, it sounds like an unplanned pregnancy plus a cohabitation, that is a lot of stuff to be dealing with.  Maybe he's at his max.  Which is fine for him.  Now for you:  take the things you've learned, about relationships and about yourself - be strong, grieve, and move on.  Work on finding the why for yourself.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Gone - 3/3/2008 1:05:38 PM   
probablyknowme


Posts: 1875
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		I just wanted to give you a hug when I read about your pain. So consider yourself hugged. I would also tell you to be nice to yourself. Get plenty of rest, take long bubble baths, read one of those books that you have on your "someday" list, go out with your friends, eat really good food, re-learn who you were before you met him.  As far as breaking the thought processes of doing things to please him, why do you have to rush that? Do you think that maybe without his validation those habits will eventually be replaced by your own natural habits? Give yourself time. You didn't learn those habits and thought processes overnight; why do you think that you should stop practicing them overnight?

kat

_____________________________

The human mind is like a TV set. When it goes blank, it's a good idea to turn off the sound.
-Anon.

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NewcomersOK/


(in reply to Statepalace)
Profile   Post #: 20
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