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Statepalace -> Gone (3/3/2008 12:12:51 PM)
How to you go about unlearning all of the things that you have made habits in a D/s relationship? How do you change the wiring in your head? How do you stop thinking "I need to wear this, do this, sit like this because it makes Him happy"? Another girl my Dom plays with has become pregnant. After much discussion, she is keeping the baby, and they will be moving in together. This post is not about non-monogamy. I knew, and am completely fine with the fact that He was not monogamous to me. While these circumstances (the pregnancy) may be less than ideal it is not something that would have made me end the relationship, as long as all parties knew. I let Him know that. He thanked me for my patience and understanding, but said His world is upside down, and will be calling me tomorrow (to end things between us, I believe). He finally read the email where I told Him that I loved Him (nearly two weeks after I sent it, as He was dealing with this). He "doesn't know what to say". I am not angry. I know He emphatically did not want children, and this impacts His life so much more than it impacts mine. I am sad, but respect the fact that He is doing the honorable thing. I just feel so lost. Everything from the way I dressed, what I wore to sleep in, to personal grooming were centered around Him. How do you stop thinking about someone when EVERYTHING you do reminds you of them, because your brain had as it's central goal "Make Him happy?". I was so very, very happy. I know how to grieve the relationship. It's how to go back to being just me, not His toy, that I find a little confusing. Advice would be appreciated.

LordVelvet -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:25:41 PM)
state, The only "advice" I could offer is you didn't learn all of those things in one day, so don't expect to unlearn them in a day also. I think that what you have wrote is very mature and shows a lot about who you are. I can't begin to understand how you feel, so I won't pretend. Take it slow. I truly wish you the best. LordVelvet

tarnishdhaylo -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:30:24 PM)
This is a very difficult place to be in, I wish you well.

Kana -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:33:17 PM)
That just sucks.

xxblushesxx -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:34:06 PM)
I know a few months ago you eloquently stated that you wanted to wait to tell him of your feelings because it could wait, (I'm paraphrasing obviously), and that no matter what you would be happy to have the extra few months. Try to hold on to the good. And also remember the bad, as well. Take time for yourself, to grieve, and to heal. I wish for you peace in your heart, and love in your soul. What's meant to be will be... I'm so sorry though.

subtee -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:34:38 PM)
Perhaps this would be a time to really be with yourself, investigate what you like and don't like, wear and do things he perhaps wouldn't have appreciated, but that you might enjoy. Get to know yourself alone again...it will make for a healthier, happier person when you're with someone new.

SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:35:34 PM)
patience hon.....after the breakup of my 20 year marriage, and the breakup of me and my first dom, i actually set a time limit on mourning. i gave my self one month for the ending of the marriage, and one day in the ending of the other relationship. then i just refused to look back, refused to have regrets, and realized all of it helped me become who i am today. of course, i have no idea if i would have had the strength to do this at your age. and thats not youth bashing, just the facts as they realate to me and my experiences. good luck, and just remember, you are going to be all right.....go slow

xxblushesxx -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:37:14 PM)
wow, seeks...that's a very short amount of time for the grief/healing process. did it really work?

mnottertail -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:38:22 PM)
Well, I am thinking that now, it does in some respects make you happy, that is not the end of it. There are other things that make you happy, if you want to mow the lawn at midnight, do it. If you want to wash your car in the rain, do it. If you want to learn belly dancing or tai chi or deep sea diving, do it. I feel for you, but just remember mnottertail said the future is so goddamn bright you gotta wear shades, honey and I am a dominant, so you have to obey. Huggies (and some kleenex), Ron

LordVelvet -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:39:54 PM)
blushes, I was kind of thinking the same thing but I am a guy so what do I know [8\|] LordVelvet

SeekingDomme2Lov -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:42:55 PM)
I might as well be the unfeeling male asshole here. "I'll wait until later to tell him/her how I feel" is stoooooooopid, 100% of the time. You might be dead tomorrow. Someone might be pregnant tomorrow. What if he felt the same way about you, months ago? Later doesn't always come -- and, if it does, sometimes it is too late.

mefisto69 -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:43:14 PM)
If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended.

mefisto69 -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:46:59 PM)
If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:50:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LordVelvet state, The only "advice" I could offer is you didn't learn all of those things in one day, so don't expect to unlearn them in a day also. I very much agree. Such things take time - sometimes a long time. Be patient with yourself, and gentle with yourself. I remember when I left my husband of nearly 20 years, I had very little idea of my own personal preferences because for so many years I could never exercise them. The very first time I went grocery shopping for myself only, I walked up and down the isles with an empty cart, very slowly, and found that I had tears running down my face because I didn't know what I liked and didn't know what to buy. So I remembered that before we got married, I loved oreos. I bought a pack of oreos and a half gallon of milk and went home. I figured I took tackle shopping "tomorrow." The point is, start slow and start easy, working your way up. Put on your most comfortable outfit and most comfy pair of shoes. Wear them for a day. At least you'll be comfortable as you begin experimenting on what you like and what you don't. You can still rely on the the teachings you received, that work well in your life. Cliche as it sounds, one step at a time. Don't try to tackle it all at once. And when all else fails, eat an oreo. It was a good starting point for me, anyway. :)

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:50:29 PM)
Thanks for the tissues. I need them right at this minute. I know a lot of other things make me happy. But this. This felt like the way some people talk about religion. Peace and satisfaction and purpose. Gone. Having the 'why' to everything was such a secure thing. I don't even know why for anything right now. He's the why for so many things. I lost 35 pounds last year (divorce weight). He didn't tell me to, I just wanted to because He made me happy. I interviewed for my new job the morning before I met Him, and I decided to take it so that I could stay in a city that He frequented. I moved out of my broken down, no a/c condo and into a wonderful little house because He said "you're so unhappy there. Why not change something?". The confidence in knowing that you really made someones day (because He told me I did). He was so nice to me, all the time. Nicer than anyone else, ever. And we never fought. Never a mean word said between us. Right before V-Day we spent hours on cam just being goofy with gifts. It would be easier if we had fought. I'm 30 in two weeks. He asked me what I wanted. He was planning another trip here.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:51:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mefisto69 If all this ends for you, get involved with helping others less fortunate for a while. Food pantry of soup kitchen, maybe. Volunteerism will help you grow as a person and realize that your world has not ended. I've made a list of places to go volunteer. I hope that helps me, but even if it doesn't it will help someone else.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:52:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeekingDomme2Lov I might as well be the unfeeling male asshole here. "I'll wait until later to tell him/her how I feel" is stoooooooopid, 100% of the time. You might be dead tomorrow. Someone might be pregnant tomorrow. What if he felt the same way about you, months ago? Later doesn't always come -- and, if it does, sometimes it is too late. Her pregnancy isn't the issue. He did not, and does not, feel that way about me. But "seize the day" is generally good advice.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:54:47 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SeeksOnlyOne patience hon.....after the breakup of my 20 year marriage, and the breakup of me and my first dom, i actually set a time limit on mourning. i gave my self one month for the ending of the marriage, and one day in the ending of the other relationship. then i just refused to look back, refused to have regrets, and realized all of it helped me become who i am today. of course, i have no idea if i would have had the strength to do this at your age. and thats not youth bashing, just the facts as they realate to me and my experiences. good luck, and just remember, you are going to be all right.....go slow I can mourn, and move through the grief. That's not the problem. I too have ended a marriage, and while not 20 years, 6.5 is a decent stretch. It's just that so much else is missing.

KatyLied -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 12:55:25 PM)
Well, with or without him, you are still all of those wonderful things, so don't toss them away. Think for a moment about what he is going through, it sounds like an unplanned pregnancy plus a cohabitation, that is a lot of stuff to be dealing with. Maybe he's at his max. Which is fine for him. Now for you: take the things you've learned, about relationships and about yourself - be strong, grieve, and move on. Work on finding the why for yourself.

probablyknowme -> RE: Gone (3/3/2008 1:05:38 PM)
I just wanted to give you a hug when I read about your pain. So consider yourself hugged. I would also tell you to be nice to yourself. Get plenty of rest, take long bubble baths, read one of those books that you have on your "someday" list, go out with your friends, eat really good food, re-learn who you were before you met him. As far as breaking the thought processes of doing things to please him, why do you have to rush that? Do you think that maybe without his validation those habits will eventually be replaced by your own natural habits? Give yourself time. You didn't learn those habits and thought processes overnight; why do you think that you should stop practicing them overnight? kat

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