RE: Gone

RE: Gone (Full Version)

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lighthearted -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 7:48:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx He's lying. To both of you. You're lying. To yourself. You deserve better than this. So does she, but that is not your problem. He is. There's a whole wide world out there just waiting for you. But you have to put this behind you first. He's SO not worth it. I agree with blushes...seems like the more you reveal about him, the more dubious he sounds. I realize that I don't know either one of you, but from what you've said here, it seems like there's a lot of rationalizing going on because you love him. I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic, because goodness knows I've done plenty of rationalizing in my own life, but since I have no feelings attached to the situation, that's the way it looks to me. good luck to you.

subtee -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 7:48:42 AM)
God, I don't know. It seems as though he is being honest with you and that you understand it...yet... He's very casual with you and always has been, right? quote: I said "Dude, you've done this since college. You are not going to stop, not because you're weak but because it is who you are. You have random bondage sex with girls you meet on Craigslist (that's me)." But you're in love with him and ready to accept (really?) a life with him in whatever reality he is willing to give you, i.e., even moving in to give her prenatal massages and service the two of them. So assuming he is being very honest, and it seems he is and has been, what he is saying is that he is going to be with her (out of a sense of duty, responsibility, whatever), and he isn't telling you that you will be anything more in his life. In fact, he is tellling you to move on. quote: He said something about "choosing responsibility over true happiness". I said "I love you, so stop being so stupid". But then your next post here details what is right and wrong for her and that he is wrong for making the choice he is apparently making: quote: Oh, no, I didn't mean that because she is vanilla that she doesn't have as many feelings. Of course not. I just know Him. He's been actively doing these kinds of kink activities, and non monogamous, for over a decade. I know that if I were a vanilla girl that it would crush/horrify me to find out that my baby's father was a hard core sex freak that is happiest when objectifying a girl. Which He is. I just think it would end BADLY, and mainly for her. Doing "the right thing" shouldn't mean lying by omission and then getting caught years later and breaking her heart. If He doesn't want to hurt her then He needs to be totally honest NOW, before she freaks out at the grand in toys He's bought me over the last year. If He ends it with me, I know that in a few years He will be restless and unhappy. Kid will be potty training, girl will be stressed, He will be stressed, and on TOP of all that He will be looking for kinky sex at the very least. No one should have to pretend. She is not only vanilla, but doesn't know He has these interests. I just see bad things if He doesn't share all of it with her right from the beginning. Whether He keeps me or not, moving in with her and letting her think "love and puppies" is just wrong. It seems to me the world would be so much more peaceful and relationships would be so far less complicated if we could say to each other what we mean, as you have done in telling him that you love him. It's only respectful to believe the words of others, espeically your Dom, it seems to me. Hasn't he done that too? Say what he means? I wonder if you are hearing him truthfully state his feelings and intentions, or if you are trying to get him to change...for the sake of argument, let's say that you are trying to change his mind. Why? As you said, "No one should have to pretend." You, of course, know him and the situation far better than I or anyone here could, however, if you would consider it, are you convinced that his pretension is in deciding to be with her? Or could it be that you would like to persuade him to stay with you and that might be the actual pretension, since he has stated, more than once, his intention to be with her and their baby. Finally, your OP was asking for advice in how to "unlearn" being his submissive, how to move on. Since that post, you have changed your focus, it seems to me, to concerning yourself with what is right (or more precisely what is wrong) for her. I may be wrong that that is what is on your mind, and I can't know what the reason is for it--I may surmise that it is because it's convenient for you to decide that due to your love for him, she will be harmed by his choice in "doing the honorable thing," without full disclosure of his provclivities for kink. That may not be the case. I'm concerned for you...your focus is not on yourself anymore, at least not in your words here. quote: So, we're having conversation. We'll see. I've stopped crying. I'm really happy you've stopped crying. It's so hard for clarity to find it's way through tears sometimes. My best thoughts for you, Subtee

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 9:55:05 AM)
I have glanced through this thread, and I have read all of your posts. You appear to be an attractive gal. You are young. You are employable. You are articulate and express your ideas well in writing... excuse me for saying this, but this guy sounds like a bad Jerry Springer episode, and I agree with Katy... if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I have this strange feeling that from what you have written about him he is a very adept player in that he can make any woman he is with feel like the most special woman in the world... and he must be quite something to keep all these women coming back for more if he doesn't promise anything and only takes what they will give. Now I am not blaming him, not at all, he seems to be telling you all the truth of who he is, and you all put up with it regardless because you hope he will chose you. You are still hoping he will chose you, even though he has been trapped by another woman. At least he sounds like he is trapped, willingly trapped.... My advice, get a grip on yourself, decide he is right, you deserve 100% better, and then go about getting it. That means finding someone that will love you for you. Someone that is ready for the commitment of having a person devote themselves to them. In other words finding someone that will have a clue that if you run someone's life, that this becomes a responsibility... because he has set you up to ache for him without a safety net under the guise you knew it was "casual". That don't fly with me... someone tells me when I can cum, what to wear, eat, go to bed... they are responsible for that if the up and decide to get someone else knocked up, he has been irresponsible whether he chooses to believe that or not.

sensiia -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 10:08:09 AM)
Patience. I still have some mannerisms I am shedding today from a relationship I was in four years ago. Realize how much you have grown in your relationship, it sounds as if it was a very understanding one as I do not read any animosity, Kudos there :). Take the growth you had together and add your personal ones. Another learning experience in life, may you have many more postive ones. Think of it as not an ending but a new opportunity ahead. Hugs to you

KCherry -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 10:31:22 AM)
I am going to share my recent experience with you in hopes it might help although ita a little different and certainly a little painful. I had a vanilla relationship and so I got permission from my bf to seek a girlfriend to keep me happy. Well that girlfriend turned into a couple in the lifestlye and they introduced me to a Dom who I adored. Well in short, I left my bf for said Dom after my bf cheated on me and two months later I found out I was pregnant and due to the closeness of the relationships I had no idea who my baby belonged to. Throughout my pregnancy I served my Dom and hw told me everything was fine and we would be together either way. Then when my daughter was born in December we did paternity testing and she wasn't his. For about a week he was fine, then out of the blue he said he couldn't love someone elses child and was mad I wouldn't give her up for adoption and that he didn't want to see me anymore. I was so crushed because I thought everything was fine. Then to make things worse the day before valentines day he called me and said he was wrong and that we should try again. I drove the hour to see him and of course we had sex and then when I got home that night he dumped me again. Now I am alone, although I still talk to my Dom sometimes, I can't help it, and I am sueing my vanilla ex for child support because even though he knows hes my daughter's father he has a new gf and doesn;t want to get a job. Three months later all I can say is that it gets easier everyday. It still hurts everytime he calls or I go to do something automatically because it would have pleased him, but in the end I remember that he doesn't derserve it because if he was worthy of me he would want me regardless of the baby or not. If your former Dom was worthy of you he would love you and want you and he could still be a good father at the same time without being with said other girl. If you need to talk let me know maybe we can heal together. Baby Scarlet was worth it. You'll find something that will make losing him worth it too sometime soon love. Just be strong. Lots of Love

trusting -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 10:59:11 AM)
i have no words of advice... time heals all. i just wanted to tell you that i am sorry that you had to experience this. hugs

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 1:07:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx He's lying. To both of you. You're lying. To yourself. You deserve better than this. So does she, but that is not your problem. He is. There's a whole wide world out there just waiting for you. But you have to put this behind you first. He's SO not worth it. He's been very, painfully honest with me. Told me to that right now He couldn't give me what I needed, and suggested I look for others. If, after we talk, He is insistent on this, well I'll be crying again. He's lying by omission to her. Telling someone that there are 'others' you are with is not the same as saying "I'm happiest when tying a girl up. Oh, and I've been actively doing this since I was 22". My advice to Him was to come totally clean with her. Make sure that she understands, REALLY understands, that He works out of town 4 to 5 days a week, that He is not monogamous and that none of this is changing. I would want to know. The truth will come out, but He has a choice as to when. Now, or five years from now in a much more painful and messy way. Not my decision, but it is my advice to Him. I appreciate the advice from all. He and I will be talking more tonight.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 1:50:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subtee You, of course, know him and the situation far better than I or anyone here could, however, if you would consider it, are you convinced that his pretension is in deciding to be with her? Or could it be that you would like to persuade him to stay with you and that might be the actual pretension, since he has stated, more than once, his intention to be with her and their baby. I may be wrong that that is what is on your mind, and I can't know what the reason is for it--I may surmise that it is because it's convenient for you to decide that due to your love for him, she will be harmed by his choice in "doing the honorable thing," without full disclosure of his proclivities for kink. That may not be the case. I'm concerned for you...your focus is not on yourself anymore, at least not in your words here. My best thoughts for you, Subtee If it were a friend and not my Dom, any friend, in a similar situation, I would give the same advice. Don't move in with someone that you (His words) "just don't want to hurt". Don't let her think that by this action that you are in love with her, when by His own words He is not. Don't give someone a romantic dream and then shatter it. Be honest. For His sake, for her sake, not for mine. He is not wrong in making whatever choice He feels is necessary. I just hope that He is honest by choice now, instead of 'found out' honest later. If I were her, I would want to know that He had a daily relationship for the last nine and a half months. I would want to know that He has random kinky sex with girls. I knew that going in. She just knows He has other girls. By all of His statements He is in shock, really horrified, "she was on the pill", depressed and unhappy. Maybe He and I won't end up together. Maybe. But I love Him, and right now is not the time to say 'to hell with you'. If ever He needed support, it is now. Take away the sex, take away the intimate things, I'm His friend as well as His sub.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 1:56:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sensiia Patience. I still have some mannerisms I am shedding today from a relationship I was in four years ago. Realize how much you have grown in your relationship, it sounds as if it was a very understanding one as I do not read any animosity, Kudos there :). Take the growth you had together and add your personal ones. Another learning experience in life, may you have many more positive ones. Think of it as not an ending but a new opportunity ahead. Hugs to you And maybe, maybe, if it turns out that way, it would be easier for me to have a few months of transition, instead of going cold turkey.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 2:07:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet ....because he has set you up to ache for him without a safety net under the guise you knew it was "casual". That don't fly with me... someone tells me when I can cum, what to wear, eat, go to bed... they are responsible for that if they up and decide to get someone else knocked up, he has been irresponsible whether he chooses to believe that or not. He believes He has "let a lot of people down", and has apologized for putting me in this situation (even though I am on the periphery). He has expressed His disappointment in Himself, and said despite what He may want that He has an obligation to support her and the child. He is a good man. He has always been honest with me. He is taking responsibility for His child, and trying to deal with everything. I don't think 'taking responsibility' HAS to include 'giving up true happiness', as He so morosely put it. I'm hoping that with a liberal dose of honesty all around, maybe all involved don't have to be unhappy. I am grateful for a reprieve, however short, of the issues that started this post. I may, quite possibly, be dealing with them again shortly. I really appreciate the advice from everyone. I am trying to plan for the eventuality of not being in His life any longer. I'm trying to think about it, turn it over in my head, and make the edges less sharp. I hope that is does not come to that, but if it does then maybe I will be better prepared for the emotional upheaval. Thank you to everyone.

Tapestry -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 4:13:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace How to you go about unlearning all of the things that you have made habits in a D/s relationship? How do you change the wiring in your head? How do you stop thinking "I need to wear this, do this, sit like this because it makes Him happy"? I just feel so lost. Everything from the way I dressed, what I wore to sleep in, to personal grooming were centered around Him. How do you stop thinking about someone when EVERYTHING you do reminds you of them, because your brain had as it's central goal "Make Him happy?". I was so very, very happy. I know how to grieve the relationship. It's how to go back to being just me, not His toy, that I find a little confusing. Advice would be appreciated. This is not advice, just reassurance that you will be just fine. I lived through a similar experience a couple years ago. Even now I'm not sure how I lived - yes it was that incredibly devastating, as is what you're dealing with. Hang on tightly to your own hand, and surround yourself with your friends and your fans, and your cheerleaders. They will help you hold it together when you can't hold it yourself. I had been so completely reshaped that I was not the same person, and truly didn't know how to think, what to think, or who I was. I was taught to eat and enjoy new foods and beverages, to wear certain clothes, to appreciate and listen to different music, and to enjoy the things he enjoyed. Among just a few of the things he changed about me. And then he left me, and I didn't know who I was. I promise, you will recover yourself. Just be patient, be who you know how to be - even if it's his version of you, as you learn who you are again. And don't be surprised if the person you are includes many of the things he taught you. It's not necessary to completely eradicate him from your life - it's ok to make yourself happy, and keep the parts of him that feel right to you. We truly are the sum of all our experiences, and it's good to recognize and celebrate all that we've encountered, since that is what makes us who we are. I hesitate to share this next part, because I don't want you to read anything into it, but in time he and I became a couple again, and are now living 24/7 M/s. Blessings and Peace

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/4/2008 4:51:50 PM)
Tapestry - thank you. I've been so torn up over the idea of stopping everything He's set in motion. It's not like I have this sense of freedom at going back to 'what I want'. I, in all seriousness, want to be and do what He has told me to be and do. I can't tell what "I" want in certain areas of my life. Yes, I want "x" to eat, I want to buy "x" shampoo. Not everything has been altered. It's the daily clothing that gets to me the most. Where I used to own mostly jeans, now I only have one pair. I own more skirts than there are days of the week, and the same with dresses. The thing is, I started my new job right when I met Him. This clothing change has helped me. I have a professional wardrobe now (albeit with a 50's influence - but all very tasteful). To wear something that is such a 180 change from the grubby tomboy I was, it makes me think of Him. And thinking of Him, if I can't ever feel that connection to Him again, really hurts. Thank you for the advice - I know how to be His version of me. Nothing (other than the latex episode) is something I look forward to stopping. Why? Because even when it is aggravating, doing things He wants makes me happy. Makes me feel connected, warm, safe. It really feels like the two choices are equally painful. Stop being the way He wants/wanted me to be and I feel lost, sad, and abandoned. Keep being this way and I think of Him constantly, and feel adrift. If this is what the break up of a D/s relationship feels like, I'm done. Kinky sex, fine. But the withdrawal from this drug is not worth the high, no matter how much like heaven it felt.

BlackPhx -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 7:28:39 AM)
Hello Statepalace Of those habits and changes that he encouraged in you, keep those that you find of comfort/benefit to you, and discard the rest. Keep them for yourself, not for him or in his memory, but solely because they have benefit in your life. Pack away those things that are too painful for you to look at right now but allow yourself one or two items to touch when you need to. Allow yourself to grieve. While he may or may not have lied to you, he is lieing to her. I say may or may not have lied to you because while you knew there were others he saw, I question the safety of his relations with them. It is painfully obvious that with this woman he was not using a condom, and I don't know if he used one with you nor do you know if he used one with the others. You at best have only his word for it, and considering the pregancy, that may be iffy at best. Unfortunately children are not the only STD (sexually transmitted DNA) possible. Please have yourself checked for your own peace of mind and safety. Here is my advice and it is worth only what you have paid for it and the value you give it. Remember that you are a beautiful woman with a soul that deserves happiness in this life. You have had a chance to learn and grow thanks to this person and you are stronger for it, but it is time to move onto another teacher, one who will value you for who you are and want you for himself. Walk away with your head held high and proud, grieve and heal then step forth with your eyes open for the person to whom you will belong, every day, not just when they travel through your town. You have a lot to give, give it to someone worthy of your devotion and love. poenkitten

Dnomyar -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 7:34:44 AM)
First time I have worn boots and use an umbrella because of so much whineing.

KatyLied -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 8:07:30 AM)
quote: But the withdrawal from this drug is not worth the high You may be struggling with some co-dependency. I only say this because you seem wrapped up in his life and his girlfriend's, trying to sort out what they are doing, when you need to be more concerned about you.

Madame4a -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 8:12:45 AM)
To him, you are *just* an option, please don't make him a priority -- it seems you have so far. It might be time for you to cut your losses on this one. You say he's been honest, but I don't think he's an honest person for the most part. You've gotten a lot of good advice; please stop worrying about him and take care of you.

RedHotAndSoSexy -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 8:14:40 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace If this is what the break up of a D/s relationship feels like, I'm done. Kinky sex, fine. But the withdrawal from this drug is not worth the high, no matter how much like heaven it felt. I have been reading your story for a few days and now wanted to comment on the above line. I do empathize with how you feel, and in some ways, a D/s relationship is like a drug, very addicting. A therapist once told me that although the guy was bad for me, the feelings I derived from the relationship were my "drug" of choice. That is what you are experiencing. The difference is, you are too concerned with HIM and his new life and you are obsessing on it instead of looking to extricate yourself entirely. You need to make a clean break, no friendship, no thin threads of contact that you hope will turn into stronger bonds. It is over now and you are, in fact, a different person after experiencing this kind of relationship. A better and more wiser woman. So don't say you will give up on this kind of D/s relationship, just try to choose a better partner next time, as one would in a failed vanilla relationship as well.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:04:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackPhx It is painfully obvious that with this woman he was not using a condom, and I don't know if he used one with you nor do you know if he used one with the others. You at best have only his word for it, and considering the pregnancy, that may be iffy at best. Unfortunately children are not the only STD (sexually transmitted DNA) possible. Please have yourself checked for your own peace of mind and safety. We always used a condom, but thank you for the reminder. As a former health teacher, I always, always use them. Thank you for the rest of the advice. There are a few things that I may have to put away, but I need to talk to Him first. It would really help if He took the rules back, instead of me having to just do it without being told. I know that sounds pathetic. It's just how my brain is working right now.

KatyLied -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:17:04 PM)
quote: I need to talk to Him first. It would really help if He took the rules back, instead of me having to just do it without being told. I know that sounds pathetic. It's just how my brain is working right now. You are living in a place that is not empowering. But it's of your own making as you continue to communicate with him.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:20:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedHotAndSoSexy quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace If this is what the break up of a D/s relationship feels like, I'm done. Kinky sex, fine. But the withdrawal from this drug is not worth the high, no matter how much like heaven it felt. I have been reading your story for a few days and now wanted to comment on the above line. I do empathize with how you feel, and in some ways, a D/s relationship is like a drug, very addicting. A therapist once told me that although the guy was bad for me, the feelings I derived from the relationship were my "drug" of choice. That is what you are experiencing. The difference is, you are too concerned with HIM and his new life and you are obsessing on it instead of looking to extricate yourself entirely. You need to make a clean break, no friendship, no thin threads of contact that you hope will turn into stronger bonds. It is over now and you are, in fact, a different person after experiencing this kind of relationship. A better and more wiser woman. So don't say you will give up on this kind of D/s relationship, just try to choose a better partner next time, as one would in a failed vanilla relationship as well. I was not the same person when we met. I would have described myself as a bottom, and the idea of anyone, much less "some man", telling me what to do outside of sex (and only if said man did it in a way that I approved of, thank you very much) would have had me rolling on the floor laughing. I was not looking for someone to tell me how to stack my teacups and balance my checkbook. No way in hell. I had been celibate for nearly a year, dealt with my divorce, and had even started dating a few people before I met Him. None of them impressed me, so I figured what the heck and went looking for the kind of sex I wanted. I was fine with Him being from Boston, because I specifically did NOT want a relationship. How nice to have a bdsm booty call that I didn't have to deal with on a daily basis. I didn't want some needy, demanding man over at my house bothering me. Our first meeting was good. It rocked. I didn't think I would ever see Him again. It's nearly ten months later, and the change has been so gradual that I don't even know where the tipping point was. I would never, ever have believed I would feel this way. E-V-E-R. Color me surprised.

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