RE: Gone

RE: Gone (Full Version)

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Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:34:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied quote: I need to talk to Him first. It would really help if He took the rules back, instead of me having to just do it without being told. I know that sounds pathetic. It's just how my brain is working right now. You are living in a place that is not empowering. But it's of your own making as you continue to communicate with him. In a really odd way, giving my power to Him was the most empowering thing I've ever done. More than moving across country on my own, more than filing for divorce without an attorney (but that was rather good). Volunteering after Katrina was very empowering, but this.... I thought all of the descriptions of "I do whatever my owner tells me" were absolute bullcrap. Deluded people, all of them. I joined here back in September, I think, to explore this stuff more. Every time I read something like that I thought to myself "lying or insane". I've crossed lying off as an option. I understand the statements now. Moving on is a requirement, because you can't have a relationship with someone that can't have one with you. Also, because as He said "you need to find someone else. I can't be what you deserve right now". If, within the framework of a D/s relationship, I get way too wrapped up in the other person (which is what some people describe as 'perfect' sub behavior) then perhaps it best that I not do it again. I'm not saying no to any and all relationships. I'm not saying I won't ever engage in non-vanilla sex. But to have someone so deeply inside your head, to be controlled in such an intimate way on so many levels - I liked it. I liked it a LOT. There is nothing I can compare it to. It filled a place in me I was unaware of, and with each thing that I gave up that place got bigger, and the desire to say 'yes' and make Him happy got bigger. Maybe it's just not healthy for me to engage in this kind of thing. Note that I said 'for me'. What some people find healthy other people find destructive, right?

BlackPhx -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:54:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace Thank you for the rest of the advice. There are a few things that I may have to put away, but I need to talk to Him first. It would really help if He took the rules back, instead of me having to just do it without being told. I know that sounds pathetic. It's just how my brain is working right now. You do realize that he has already taken the rules back. He took them back when he said I will remain with this woman. He took them back when he said he was ending it with you. You have just not accepted it, but the one person who does need to accept it is you. He already has and is going on with his life. You have gotten several gifts from this man. Not gifts in the way of material things, but in changes you have wrought in yourself. Please understand what I am saying, he may have been the initial catalyst, but every change in you that has been made, every rule, every bit of growth has been done by your own hand. He was not with you in a relationship 24/7 that is painfully obvious. He was not there to make sure you did what was ordered, or wore what he told you to. He was not the dominating factor except when he was actually there with you. You Were. You chose to wear the clothes, to lose the weight, to move to a house, to do each and everything he asked because you found value in it, not because he could reach out and correct you if you didn't. Yes you may have done it initially because it pleased him and it made you feel more connected to him, but ultimately each and every one of these things you have done for yourself, and you have benefited from them. Keep them, the ones that work for you. Throw away those that don't, when you find a relationship with another Master (after you have taken time to heal), then you will develop in different ways, ways that please both you and him. Don't give up on the strong woman in you that made these changes, and made them possible in the first place. One day you will learn the difference between a nice weekend tryst with kinky games and phone domination, and the real thing, and believe me, when that connection is there and 24/7 it is a whole nother ball game. One most of us wouldn't miss for a world of occasional play. poenkitten

RedMagic1 -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 1:57:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackPhx ultimately each and every one of these things you have done for yourself, and you have benefited from them. Worth repeating.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 6:11:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlackPhx He was not with you in a relationship 24/7 that is painfully obvious. He was not there to make sure you did what was ordered, or wore what he told you to. He was not the dominating factor except when he was actually there with you. You Were. You chose to wear the clothes, to lose the weight, to move to a house, to do each and everything he asked because you found value in it, not because he could reach out and correct you if you didn't. He only corrected me once. We didn't have a relationship based on that. He said that He generally saw no point in it, and preferred to use only positive reinforcement. Yes you may have done it initially because it pleased him and it made you feel more connected to him, Yes. Exactly that. but ultimately each and every one of these things you have done for yourself, and you have benefited from them. Keep them, the ones that work for you. Throw away those that don't, when you find a relationship with another Master (after you have taken time to heal), then you will develop in different ways, ways that please both you and him. Don't give up on the strong woman in you that made these changes, and made them possible in the first place. One day you will learn the difference between a nice weekend tryst with kinky games and phone domination, and the real thing, and believe me, when that connection is there and 24/7 it is a whole nother ball game. One most of us wouldn't miss for a world of occasional play. I really do appreciate the advice. Know that not everyone on this message board would agree with you that for 24/7 to be possible you must live together. It is very, very possible to belong to someone all the time, everywhere, and not live with them. That connection you speak of is mental, and doesn't require sharing the same address to establish. He travels about 5 days a week, flying to different cities with His work. By the definition above, He could never, ever have a "real thing", because He wouldn't be home often enough. Lots of people make relationships work that have distance as an issue. I had tasks, things to do daily, pictures to send as proof, calls to make to let Him hear things, stories to write nightly, things to sleep in, videos to take and send (like of me getting gas in locking fetish heels, stuff like that) - a lot of structure, and a lot of contact. More contact than what I had with my former husband when we did live together. If I feel this way, have had my thinking changed this drastically, after something that was not, as you put it "the real thing", then all the more reason to not ever let "the real thing" find me. I didn't know I could need, NEED, to feel control. Now that I do, I can choose whether to allow myself to go there again. After a lot of evaluation, which I couldn't do while happily in the relationship, I don't think it is holds a good risk/reward ratio for me. Would I do it with Him? Yes - because I don't think that need for Him will ever really go away. But I can choose to not establish that kind of connection with someone new. I know that I will eventually feel better. I know that I will even date again, hell years from now I might find a nice guy that I care about. Will I ever allow anyone to condition me to need them this much? No. Death, disease, life circumstances - anything can abruptly alter the ability of that person to be there for you. I don't think it's worth the risk for me, being that tied to someone. Love is one thing. I can find love again. Just not this kind. Everything but the power exchange, I can do. I think being "just kinky" will be good enough for me.

Statepalace -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 6:22:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: BlackPhx ultimately each and every one of these things you have done for yourself, and you have benefited from them. Worth repeating. I did them, yes. I did them for Him. Every one of them. The motivating factor was "Will it make Him happy?". I scrutinized every potential house with His preferences in mind. Really, things I could not do for me, I did for Him. He saw that I would benefit from a change, and gently moved me in the right direction. He has given me many, many gifts, and I will be keeping all of them. To throw them away would be wrong. I've thought a lot about it, and tried to see it from the perspective of being submissive to Him. That seems to be the only way I can think about Him. If the only thing I can still do for Him is to not grieve myself sick, and to do as He requested and live for myself, then that is what I will do. It will be really, really hard, but that's ok. It makes Him really sad to know that I am this devastated. I don't want to make Him sad, so I will do my best to feel better. He and I put together something pretty cool, something that made Him really pleased - a happier, healthier, more confident me. He said I brought Him joy, so it would be a damn shame and utterly disrespectful to Him if I just shut down and melted into a puddle of despair. Despite how much I want to.

Bound2One -> RE: Gone (3/5/2008 8:11:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace He said I brought Him joy, so it would be a damn shame and utterly disrespectful to Him if I just shut down and melted into a puddle of despair. Despite how much I want to. Another way to look at it - it would be a damn shame and utterly disrespectful to yourself if you just shut down and melted after all the stellar work you've done on yourself the last year or so. You have to start thinking in terms of making yourself happy - which is, I suppose, a part of deconditioning.

BlackPhx -> RE: Gone (3/6/2008 8:24:19 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Statepalace He only corrected me once. We didn't have a relationship based on that. He said that He generally saw no point in it, and preferred to use only positive reinforcement. Yes you may have done it initially because it pleased him and it made you feel more connected to him, Yes. Exactly that. I really do appreciate the advice. Know that not everyone on this message board would agree with you that for 24/7 to be possible you must live together. It is very, very possible to belong to someone all the time, everywhere, and not live with them. That connection you speak of is mental, and doesn't require sharing the same address to establish. True there are many who will not agree that to be 24/7 requires residing at the same address. Master and I are 24/7, reside at the same address but he is on the road a minimum of 2 weeks every month. When he is home his Dominance is felt up close and personal, but when he is away there is no way for him to know if I wear what he wants me to wear, eat how he wants me to eat, do what he wants me to do or not. I could smoke a hundred cigarettes with him being no wiser. Ultimately it is my will holding me in thrall to his. The choice is mine. When he is with me there are things he can do to assert his will, when he is not. . . So yes I do know what you speak of, and I agree 24/7 does not mean you have to be in the same place 24/7/365. I agree as well that it does not require physical proximity to establish such control. We see that everyday with those who have accepted collars online, via email or by phone. Those mental chains can wrap pretty quickly around someone as they feed directly into their own fantasy and ID, but it is rarely by the hand of the dominant. Every one of those chains is taken on voluntarily by the submissive and often the reality is far different than the fantasy they have built when they finally meet face to face. The emotional crashes are just as real, the mental ties just as real, but everything has essentially been done by the submissive with little effort on the part of the dominant. I am not denigrating in anyway what you are feeling and going through. All I am trying to do it help you understand that while he may have been the catalyst for the changes, you were the one who implemented them, accepted that they were good for you and should pick and choose what you desire to keep of them. Yes you did it in his name, but you have the power to do it now in your own name and to own the changes. He has said goodbye, it's over, and yet have you changed back into the way of dressing that you chose before you met him? Have you looked around for a crummy condo to move into and decided to give up your house? Changed your sleeping gear? Forgotten how to write stories? Walked away from this site and the support you find here? You have found those changes to be good, so go ahead and own them for yourself now. If Master died tomorrow (Gods Forbid) I would still not take up a cigarette, no matter how much I want one, because it is good for me not to smoke, so I would have to own that change of habit for me, not for him. It is for him I started not smoking, but ultimately it is a change I agreed to and would have to own to continue if he is gone. poenkitten (hoping you understand, but knowing free advice is only worth what you pay for it, and the value you give it)

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