TrubledTimes

edited bi BitaTruble

Issue #24
Date?: I’m free this Friday.
Cost: Always Fucking Priceless

::insert eerie music here:: You are now entering the TrubledZone. Please be aware that by entering this area, you are consenting. That’s your fair warning.

Welcome to the TrubledTimes, the ultimate resource for perverts, deviants, wannabes, fakes and freaks - written just once a year (or whenever the fuck I am feeling creative and/or just wanna fuck with someone.) Triple T is a cross between Mad Magazine and SM 101 and is all you'll ever need to know about BDSM. Everything you will read in the articles contained within should be accepted as the One and Only True Way to participate in BDSM, and in fact, live life so no matter what you may think, how happy you may be in your particular dynamic or how many facts may distort the words contained in this newsletter, you can rest assured that I know what the fuck I'm talking about so shut the hell up, turn on the Sybian and enjoy the ride.
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As always, I edit as I am inspired to edit and today’s inspiration (and subsequent article) comes from that band of wacky, sci-fi screwballs whom I affectionately refer to as

THE GORY ONES
bi BitaTruble

The Gory Ones started off as adolescents who wanked, er.. waxed philosophical in their youth about Masters and slaves only to grow up (a subjective term) and make claim that it's the philosophy which appeals to them and not having a myriad of sluts around to save themselves from carpel tunnel syndrome from all that wanking.. um, waxing (you know, after turning 1000's of pages of text in their effort to get to the meat of the Gory world).

These crazy kids have taken a series of text written in a language no one actually understands and have embraced a new philosophy which, rather ironically, is very old and actually a conglomoration of several different philosophies which have been part of world culture since humans started walking upright. It's sort of like the doctors of today utilizing leeches. It worked back then, sort of, so why mess with a winning strategy! 

What is the Gory ethos?

Basically, it's to read the ancient scrolls (ancient as in, from the 1960’s and onward) until your eyes bleed (see where the Gory comes in?) and you are so confused that your mind has gone numb and you'll just accept anything to make the pain stop. The Gory Ones only recognize that there are three kinds of people in the world; Masters, Free Women and slaves. A quick definition is probably in order at this point so that we’re all on the same page.

Gory Masters

You are a Gory Master if you’re a dick. Oops. Typo. I mean, you are a Gory Master if you have a dick (strap-ons don’t count, ladies. Sorry.) Unlike the sheep of BDSM and Leather light, what’s between your legs determines whether or not you are a Gory Master. It’s an accident of birth rather than something which is earned so if you want the title without the work, you might consider becoming a Gory One. Don’t worry about being laughed at, at least by the staff of the TrubledTimes. We laugh at everyone, so you can bet your ass we’ll laugh at you, too. So, see? No worries! It is going to happen.

Gory Free Women

Think of your mom in a burkha in the summer, residing in Texas during menopause and out of chocolate while the cable is on the fritz and that’s a Gory FW in a nutshell.

Gory Slaves

These creatures, the free proclaim, are quite unnecessary to the heart and philosophy of Gory. So, you know, fuck ‘em. That’s what the Gory Ones do.

Wannabe Gory?

Okay, so now you know the Gory philosophy, you have an idea of the people who permeate the Gory World and now you want to be a Gory One. So how do you become Gory? I’ll assume that you have already gone through the ancient text several times (and cleaned up the blood dripping from your eye sockets), that you embrace the Gory ethos as your own truth and internal nature so, really, the only thing left to do is to get other Gory Ones to accept that you, too, are Gory. It’s actually not all that difficult.
First, proclaim yourself a Gory One. Next, you must act in strict accordance with the Gory One ethos making sure to do exactly what all the other Gory Ones do (while remaining supremely individualistic at the same time) and, this is the most important thing, you need a rock. No, not a pet rock, (that would just be silly, wouldn’t it?) an actual rock (which, of course, is not silly at all!) Without this rock, you cannot be a Gory One. This rock must become the most important thing in your entire universe. If your house is burning to the ground, leave the baby in the crib (hell, you can have more babies after all) and save that fucking rock!

Well, folks, there is much more to say about the Gory Ones, but space is limited as am I’m not paid by the word (or at all), fuck the rest of it. Time to move on.

~~~ 
THE ONE TRUE WAY TO EAT SOUP
 bi BitaTruble

Use a fucking spoon.


~~~~~~~ 
READING the TRUBLEDTIMES
bi BitaTruble

If you have read any of the previous 23 issues and you have chosen to read this one as well you are a masochist and in desperate need of therapy. Feel free to drop me a note and I’ll make fun of you in the next issue.

ONE TRUE WAY DEFINITIONS
bi BitaTruble

WE INTERUPT THIS NEWSLETTER FOR AN IMPORTANT PUBLIC ANNOUCEMENT

Trolls have been sighted along the shores of the CM forums. These dangerous creatures are the masters of the hit and run, wrecking havoc wherever they go then disappearing into the vast void known as The Internet. Do not be alarmed! Simply follow the guidelines below and you will ensure your personal safety and the safety of those whom you hold dear.

Oh, fuck it. If you can’t handle a troll, you have no business being on CM.

We now return you to your regular programming.
~~~~~
and last but not least, do not, under any circumstances do so while you are engaged in pig sticking unless you have really good insurance and don’t mind several trips a week to the emergency room.


~~~ 
TRUE LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Bita,
I’m a true Master. I send out thousands of cut & paste emails demanding cheap sluts get on their knees and worship my cock but I get completely ignored! What the hell are these women doing on this site if they aren’t here to worship the essence of my maleness! Do you think these women are rude for ignoring me?
Sincerely, Dom Using Methodical  Methods in Youngstown

Dear Dummy,

Yes, it’s rude, but you must take responsibility for your own culpability as well. You’re probably forgetting to include pictures of your cock so they don’t know what they’re missing. Try attaching photos of your glorious self au natural and see if that helps. If not, become a Gory One and you’ll have all the sluts you can handle.
Bita

~~~~ 
Dear Bita,

I am a true slave and I get thousands of cut & paste emails calling me a cheap slut and ordering me to my knees. I’ve been ignoring these emails, but I’m to the point where any port in a storm is starting to look good. I want a collar, damn it! Should I comply?

Yours, Desperate in Dallas

Dear Doubles D’s,

Yes, and move immediately to Youngstown.

Bita

~~~~ 
Well perverts, deviants and freaks. That’s about it for this issue. The staff of the TrubledTimes will not be held liable, responsible or accountable for the information contained in this newsletter (or even admit this newsletter was ever written.) Any and all claims arising from reading what doesn't exist is strictly in your own head and any and all comments regarding what's not there will be edited and may used against you in a future non-issue.

Yours in Leather,
BitaTruble
Editor-in-Chief
TrubledTimes

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

(in reply to BitaTruble)

(in reply to BitaTruble)

TRUBLEDtimes SPECIAL EDITION

Date: Sometime between Ground Hog day and the Ides of March

 

Cost: You don't think people would seriously pay for this shit do ya?

 

Of note: This special edition was put out to warn of a dire circumstance currently circulating within the BDSM community. This is not a drill! This is a true and clear warning of an insidious infestation. Take heed or take the chance on becoming infected!

~~~~~~

In these TrubledTimes it behooves us to take a closer look at what is commonly referred to as the 'lifestyle' of BDSM and how vanilla society has infiltrated even these sacred grounds. Inspired by the recent 'policing the BDSM community', I have taken it upon myself to give fair warning to all interested parties. Such diligence and determination is often the red-flag for ridicule and harassment, but I undertake such with a purity of heart and the strength of my convictions and warped sense of humor.

It is heard often around the dungeon that BDSM is no better nor worse than vanilla because 'this' culture is made up of the same people that you live next to, work next to and generally want to beat on regardless of their particular preferences. We have our fair share of liars, thieves, HNG's and Avon ladies. One such faction, long thought to be the domain of the 'nilla world are organized criminals. Well, it's time we address these nefarious ne'er-do-wells that permeate our culture. For, much like the 'nillas, we too, have to contend with lifestyle...

Gangs have long been the bane of the sensible, the responsible and the nerds who couldn't get into the club. Just because we are into leather, whips, cuffs, suspension and buy stock in Saran Wrap, does not mean we are safe from organized efforts to cause mayhem and chaos. The fact that many of us prefer mayhem and chaos is besides the point and not the issue this article will address. The first step in wiping out this menace is to identify them. Only via identification can we ensure our safety. Gangsters come in various shapes, sizes, demographics, ages and lengths both real and imagined. Some are relatively harmless while others are notorious and vicious and must be eradicated. Please read the following information carefully to see if you are part of a gang, or know someone who is. There is help for you, out there, somewhere.. maybe.

CHAIN GANGS

While this seemingly innocuous group of people would, at first glance, appear to fit right into the dungeon elite, in fact, they are a faction to be feared. Chain gangs have been known to participate in drive-by spankings causing red-bottoms and blisters to a number of unsuspecting submissives. Their expertise with hangings using their trademarked chains should not be confused with having any knowledge of shibari or rope bondage. Often has a frightened slave gotten cramps from inept material ties. Circulation has been cut off, fingers and toes have gone numb and all because these chain gangsters have tried to go outside their area of expertise. There have been several well documented cases where those members of this gang have placed their chains into receptacles known in the 'nilla' world as 'freezers' just to make their gruesome weapons even more fear inspiring. Cold chain against a warm bottom has caused many a flesh to goosebump. I know, I know. It's not pretty, but the truth must be told. In addition to chains used for hanging, these people have gone so far as to make chain floggers which they dip in alcohol then drag along the back and backside of tender, trembling flesh. The alcohol acts as a freezing agent, making the cold nickel floggers colder yet by far. These actions must be terminated before rampant frostbite can ensue. They take great pride and glee in turning a hot blooded slave into a frigid bitch, ruining them for all others. Chain gangsters can be identified by the chains they carry everywhere they go. Around their necks, the belts, even on their boots. And don't be fooled. There are plenty of females involved in the Chain Gang lifestyle. If you are or know of anyone who is into chains, please contact me immediately with their name, address and phone number so I can personally interview them or, if necessary, go undercover to ferret out this criminals. Though it puts me at personal risk, this I do for the love of BDSM and I am willing to sacrifice my bottom so that all others can feel safe and at peace. Though my shoulders be dislocated, though I may be hung from the ankles by their dastardly deeds, though my skin my bump with a 1000 gooses, I know my sacrifice will not be in vain.

Next, I'll address a particularly harmful group of gangsters who go by the name of..

GANG BANGS

Even typing these words makes my heart leap with fear.. or something. Gang bangs are, by all accounts, the province of orgies and seedy bars. As no self-respecting BDSMer would be caught dead at a seedy bar ::koffs:: we'll limit our discussion to orgies. Now, orgies in and of themselves are something to be cherished and respected. They are a great joy for all involved and the host of the orgy is usually the one stuck with the wine bill at the end of the night. So, by all means, enjoy, drink, eat and do Mary, but be aware that Gang Bangs can sneak into these wondrous festivities and what should be a good time being had by all.. literally, can quickly turn dark and demented. ::blinks:: Personally, I believe the best defense to a Gang Bang is a good offense. If there is anyone suspicious looking.. I.E. they've been at the orgy for over an hour and can still get hard, chances are they are part of the Gang Bang.. or they get their Viagra cheap from Canada. Either way, when you see someone walking around with a baseball bat, but his hands are empty, JUMP HIM and do it quickly before others of his gang can get involved. Even better, get some of your girl friends to help you! Only by taking these guys DOWN in large groups of girl flesh can the Gang Bang be avoided. Again, if you are in need of support or know of roving Gang Bangs, call me ASAP so I can personally deal with each and every situation as it um... arises.

Let's move on to a somewhat tamer group, but still one which should be well watched in case their diseased minds try to spread their ways.. and that is..

REAL GANGS AKA TRUE GANGS

Like the Chain gangs which we've covered before, Real Gangs also participate in drive-by spankings but to a lessor extent, as they will only spank 'true' bottoms. Anyone with a prosthetic ass is actually safe from these demented souls. If you don't have a prosthetic bottom, try using a fanny pack or call yourself a subbie and they will, generally, leave you to your own devices. Real or True Gangsters only have one way of doing things, so anyone who does things differently is also safe. They are easy to spot, thereby easy to avoid. They always wear black, keep their arms crossed over the chest and have a look of disdain and disapproval constantly upon their faces. Real Gangsters always make you feel guilty even when you didn't do anything. A difference of opinion on any subject will get you dismissed at worst, so there is not much to fear from this group. Real Gangsters adore true submissives, so if you are a true submissive, feel free to seek out Real Gangsters. You'll fit right in. If you know of any Real Gangsters or true submissives, don't bother calling me. There is no help for these people and I don't want to be contaminated.

Next on our list are..

GANG UPS

Gang ups are also fairly harmless as they choose a single target on which to vent their angst. As these targets are usually the 'clueless', most should feel safe around a Gang Up. The Gang Up is actually somewhat helpful to the BDSM lifestyle because they keep the clueless on their toes and take up so much of their time and attention that the clueless has no time for actual self-improvement or doing things like growing up in an adult fashion. This works out well for both sides as the Gang Up's don't want the clueless to get away and the clueless has no intention of ever growing up anyway. Gang Ups are truly a win-win for the underworld. While I do not personally engage in a Gang Up philosophy, I do appreciate their efforts and do not begrudge their fun time with the clueless.

Perhaps the most dangerous of all gangs is the dreaded...

GANG GREEN

There is little to do for this, the most deadly of all Gangs, except to consult a physician ASAP. If you have been exposed to Gang Green and it's not St. Patrick's Day, the chances of cock-rot run high for you and your odds of finding a slave when you have cock-rot are slim at best. I wish the news was better, but, alas, all I can say if you are a member of the class of Gang Green is.. it sucks to be you. If you can't get to a doctor, consider walking a Gang Plank and just get it over with. It will be less painful in the long run and you won't expose the rest of us to your disgusting and putrid flesh.

Obviously, to identify every known type of gangster would take volumes, and is something which I have neither the time nor the inclination to undertake. Press Gangs, Gang Glias, Gang Busters and many other types of gangs also run rampant and perhaps they can be address at a future time. For now, I hope identifying these various gangs will keep you safe, but if it doesn't, then I hope your screams of torment bring a smile to the face of your tormentor. Either way, you've been warned.. my job is done.

Bita Truble
Roving Reporter

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)

(in reply to BlackPhx)

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

(in reply to GreedyTop)

(in reply to Saratov)

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to BitaTruble)