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what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 5:45:10 AM

Seraphyim

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

I understand that this may be a very subjective question and I am expecting a wide variety of answers.

what does being a dom/sub mean to you? what is the difference between showing affection through domination as opposed to random cruelty? (perhaps that question was worded badly...I hope that you will understand the intent even if the words came out wrong)

Can a normally submissive individual learn to be dominant in a relationship?

Your answers will undoubtedly lead to more questions..

Perhaps my training was just not completed.....

Post #: 1

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:05:15 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Firstly, d/s is about power, about authority. S & m is about pain play. There are doms who like pain play, and subs who don't. The two can be intertwined but don't have to be.

Compare this to food. Some people like sweet barbecue sauce on their chicken wings and others like hot buffalo wings. Is a person who likes the very spicy food intrinsically sick or wrong because their taste buds are different from the honey barbecue group? That's s & m. It has nothing to do with being the person who throws the party and makes the decision of what food to buy.

In my relationship, he is the CEO and I am his executive assistant. That means he has the greater responsibility when the chips are down. I'm glad he likes that because it's something I hate. My job is to make him look good by gathering all the information he needs to make a tough decision. Whether that decision is which car to buy or something sexual, my job is to help him by giving him every bit of info that he needs. So I can get him three car magazines and hit up my friend at Consumer Reports for her opinion even before they release that issue. Or I can tell him how I've reacted in the past, what feelings I have, where I think my instinctive responses are coming from.

If he wants to do something that tends to piss me off, then I need to tell him this before he does it and I respond without thinking by punching him in the nose. He may still choose to do it, but he'll know what to expect in that case, or decide I need to have stripped away the chance to defend myself in order to get past that point. D/s is about making the decision.

Not all of us have a punishment dynamic and not all of us are into s & m. Some of us like edgy things such as cuttings and needle play. Others of us, subs and doms both, are more likely to pass out at the sight of blood. You don't have to do needle play to be into s & m. You don't have to use harsh punishments to be into d/s.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 2

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:17:36 AM

Dnomyar

Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

Sounds like your training hase'nt started yet. Read over all of these forums to get an idea of how you want to proceed.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 3

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:19:15 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

Perhaps my training was just not completed.....

Okkkkk i dunno if this is a jokey line, what i dont get is on your why BDSM thread you say you have no interest in BDSM and here you say that? Maybe i missed the point. Sorry i know its off topic but it confused me.

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 4

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:34:04 AM

Seraphyim

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

No..you didn't miss anything. Perhaps I spoke to quickly..but more likely I was intrigued by an accusation that was levelled at me in the other thread. That my former wife "opened up the door to the dark side of myself and frankly that scares the crap out of me" (paraphrased) No..I am not scared. It never scared me. I just perhaps didn't want to admit just how much I actually enjoyed it. It felt unnatural to me..yet it was enjoyable. It got easier. But then it was over. That is why I say that perhaps my teacher walked away without completing my education.

Perhaps I am ready now to embrace who I am truly meant to be.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 5

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:37:02 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

Hmmm Yeah i REALLY missed the point then, because my feeling was the whole thing was about "why people cant just be happy with 'traditional love' oh well

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 6

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 6:39:38 AM

Seraphyim

Posts: 16
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline

You missed something..but it was not the point of the other thread. That was where this began, sure. But the conversation has changed. I am who I am and will not deny it any longer.

Lord Tavian

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 7

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:00:16 AM

Maya2001

Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline

What I am going to recommend to you is pick up a couple books which will provide you with a lot of answers

Different Loving... by Gloria Brame ... her website is related to her book , she is also a therapist
http://gloria-brame.com/diflove/index.html

and

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns http://www.mysticrose.com/books/strtoc.htm

< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 3/4/2008 7:01:38 AM >

_____________________________

Lead me not into temptation - I can find the way myself

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 8

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:00:35 AM

AtlantaMistress

Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim
what does being a dom/sub mean to you? what is the difference between showing affection through domination as opposed to random cruelty? (perhaps that question was worded badly...I hope that you will understand the intent even if the words came out wrong)

There are many posts that try to define or label Dom/mes, subs, slaves, etc.If you do a search - I am sure you can find a lot more info.

I wanted to address what I have put in bold. I am Dominant. There is no debate over that. I know who I am. I have several D/s relationships - each one unique and independent of the other, but only one that is is LOVE relationship - crossing into vanilla - real life, wanting to spend my life with this boy. I was in a relationship at one point with a Dominant man. He had always had relationships with submissive women, and it didn't work out for many reasons...ut one was that I would not ever submit to him. I do however love to take care of someone when I am in a relationship - to do things I know make them happy to show them I appreciate them. He used to tell me that was my submissive side coming through. I think that is bull shit. I think that Domination does not restrict someone from showing affection. In my current personal relationship, I love to do thing - both BDSM and vanilla that I know make my boy happy. I fulfill his fantasies, but I do it on my terms, when I feel like it, and I do it because it pleases me to. I think that finding happiness in pleasing someone you love is about having a good relationship - nothing about D/s. I am never cruel. The S/M things we do are never to be cruel, but to play, or as discipline/punishment - but never in anger. If any of my boys are being punished (and with a mashochist - it is not usually through pain) then they is fully aware of why.

I have also been told that sexually there are positions that are submissive. If I enjoy something, and I tell my boy that is what I WANT, and he does it - I don't see that as me submitting. (Btw - I am in a monogamous relationship and do not desire to cuckhold him).

I think what makes me Dominant is being in control and that any of my boys respects that regardless of how much input I may ask for in any given situation, that my desicion will be the final say. PERIOD.

_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 9

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:05:37 AM

LordTavian

Posts: 21
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline

Thank you Maya, I will have to pick up that book and give it a read. There is no more Seraphyim, I AM Lord Tavian.

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 10

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:06:46 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

On the assumption that this is an honest attempt for information rather than someone having 'one off' on us, I recommend going to Mistress Steel's archives and reading what she has written. http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html
That should keep you busy for a while.
There is also a lady who has a profile on the cm side named Kirren. She also has a lot of insight into wiitwd. You might want to read her journal.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to AtlantaMistress)

Post #: 11

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:11:32 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

www.informedconsent.co.uk has a pretty good encyclopedia just for terminology :D

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 12

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:11:54 AM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

I will expand a bit on your question, because although it is a simple question, the answer - to fill you in with any depth - is a bit more complicated than two simple labels.

A dominant is one who has the authority in a relationship, the submissive relinquishes it to the dominant. They can be acts, but moreover - they are what a person is(orientation).

Sadism and masochism are the acts of inflicting or receiving pain for pleasure. A sadist can be either dominant or submissive, male or female - a masochist can be dominant or submissive, male or female. Both sadists and masochists may be neither dominants nor submissives.

Tops and bottoms are actions and relate to play scenarios. I, for example may top, however I am always submissive. Again, being a top or a bottom does not equate to orientation.

Switches may be either orientation dependant on the partner they are with 'in the moment'. It is an orientation and an action.

Submission and service are not the same thing - dominants can and do serve also. This might seem a weird thing to say but it relates to the next paragraph.
Can a submissive learn to become dominant? Absolutely - although I am better a hell of a lot of people will diagree with me. However, if a submissive wishes to submit to someone, they will do regardless in whatever capacity within their chosen limits. What you are suggesting could be a service required. I don't see that as an impossible service.

Remembering that these are our definitions - they do not work for everyone but hopefully they are a good start point.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 13

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:12:20 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I am tending more and more towards humour as this whole thing plays out....

"I am Lord Tavian"?

To which I want to reply in my traditional, movie quote, way........"well yippie kai yay motherfucker"

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 14

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:22:27 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

THIS is the REAL fake post of the day, right?

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 15

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:24:32 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

I don't think so, C. Sometimes I think maybe, but don't care. This seems more like an angry response to DesFIP handing him his head.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 16

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:24:43 AM

TracyTaken

Posts: 615
Joined: 2/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Seraphyim

I understand that this may be a very subjective question and I am expecting a wide variety of answers.

what does being a dom/sub mean to you? what is the difference between showing affection through domination as opposed to random cruelty? (perhaps that question was worded badly...I hope that you will understand the intent even if the words came out wrong)

I don't know which bothers me more, the word "cruelty" or the word "random." But if a submissive likes it mean, I can see how filling that need would be showing affection.

quote:

Can a normally submissive individual learn to be dominant in a relationship?

I read the neatest post a while back in another group. An elderly Dom and his wife post about their lives and are obviously much in love. Anyway, they were touring in the Middle East, and she was attacked by a mugger. She ended up with injuries that required major surgery, in a lot of pain and facing a long convelescance. Since her injuries required that she be waited on hand and foot, they switched roles. He explored submissiveness and she played with dominance.

quote:

Perhaps my training was just not completed.....

If you happen upon a Dom who knows the meaning of life, please share it with us.

(in reply to Seraphyim)

Post #: 17

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:27:50 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

THIS is the REAL fake post of the day, right?

It doesnt fit the profile of the normal ones in that he has posted before but maybe

_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 18

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:53:25 AM

Skully7000

Posts: 377
Joined: 7/22/2007
Status: offline

1) And I don't mean this as a disrespect but if you want to call your self Lord Tavian go right ahead. but don't think that you are going to get alot more then Laughs at this point. you just admitted that you are quite new to this. still finding your way... I would consider "lord" to be getting ahead of yourself. unless you plan on being an online dom only in which case your title should be "Lord Tavian, Grand Poobah of all space and time"
Think about it. you are hear to learn and honestly a title is just that. its weight is not worth effort to type the for letters of "Lord" when adressing you. but most of all if I was you I wouldn't take it that seriously... (but again this is all just my oppinion)

on the flip side: you want to call yourself Lord Tavian...thats great. present/carry yourself as a Lord and i'm sure many will treat you like one.

2) I think a better question is what is the difference between a Dom and a Top. the answer covers alot of Grey area and is still one of those concepts that will be argued for quite some time but I think the whole discussion is a good place to start.

(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 19

RE: what is a Dom, a Sub? - 3/4/2008 7:56:00 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

THIS is the REAL fake post of the day, right?

I honestly haven't a clue at this point. I did get a polite email from the new lord. I was kind enough to reply in kind but he isn't reading it...........guess I've been blocked.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 20

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