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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/4/2008 9:44:25 PM

simplewhispers

Posts: 232
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Thanks for the encouragement yall ............ I need sleep now

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/4/2008 9:53:09 PM

Owner4SexSlave

Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplewhispers

scuse me I did not mean to imply that I have had several failed relatioships, cause I have not, nor did I ask or want financial gain from him , he knew this, and what wanted I said I would give .... the thing you are right about is that I dont use good judgement sometimes when it comes to the opposite sex

Many of the things I expressed were examples to illustrate a point that people are drawn to the BDSM lifestyle thinking it will be a quick easy fix. I wrote what I wrote for sake of example to better illustrate or make the point. I was not expressing that you were looking for financial gain yourself. I had made the assumption that you had had failed vanilla relationship attempts because of your remark about men in general, and your own frustration and confusion about the "lifestyle". This sort of gave me the impression this has been a problem in and outside of the lifestyle.

I have to agree with LA about the repeating cycle of things. Trust me LA, at one time tossed out the same advice to me once, and it made me think and reflect about things for a few months. I spend some time with some deep introspection and could see my own patterns in the types of women I was drawn to.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/4/2008 9:56:40 PM

AtlantisKing111

Posts: 181
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I'd say sweetwenchie and LuckyAlbatross said what I would say rather succinctly.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/4/2008 9:59:23 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
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And don't accept a "collar" from someone you haven't even met yet ... for herein lies heartbreak! Unless, of course, you are determined to only ever have an online relationship, in which case you can put on and take off as many collars as you want! But I get the impression you are looking for a real time relationship but doing so imprudently. You need to look within to see why you make bad choices. For, mark My words, YOU ARE the one making the choices, no one else. Have you actually sat down and worked out your criteria? What does a prospective partner have to be to be a good match for you? Think about it in all aspects ... looks (in general, short or tall, hair or no hair etc ie what floats your boat, what could you handle, what couldn't you handle), behaviours (does he drink, smoke, do drugs, is he kind, considerate, selfish ... what is he like as a person?), bdsm likes and dislikes (what forms of play interest you, what forms terrify you? no point having a Dom who loves what you hate!), everyday likes and dislikes (music, TV, sports, games, food etc), worldview (politics, attitude to different ethnicities, religions etc) and personal goals (eg future children, pets, careers etc). That should get you started!

Get away from the thinking that you are incomplete. Yin is yin, it doesn't need yang to be a better yin. Neither does yang need yin to be a better yang. However, put them together, as two complementary wholes and they form an even greater whole that achieves so much by acting together. Get the idea? I hope so! Find your whole person, within yourself, and then you as the yin will attract a better quality of yang!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 2:30:54 AM

Justme696

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Joined: 1/7/2008
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at OP

Attention can feel good..beeing wanted..hearing nice words....I understand that..but there is more..
read what Maanjay said (and the others) it is good advise.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 4:41:22 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
Joined: 10/27/2005
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Quick reply:

Stop submitting to pixels on a screen. Stop being desperate for a relationship and desperate to belong to someone. You want to avoid this type of thing, take control of your life and make better choices..choice number one no cyber, no phone sex...meet as soon as possible. Build a relationship from there.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 4:45:35 AM

colouredin

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Hmmm if she enjoys online/cyber why should she stop it? its a perfectly valid way to start to build a relationship its not a case of rush to the finish. I would say the problem may come with desiring it too much, which I have certainly been guilty of. I have settled for a lot of things that werent right for me simply because I wanted to feel like someone wanted me. It wasnt until I gave up looking, stopped stressing and did things for me, because I enjoyed them not because I wanted to meet someone that I met someone. ITs how it works. THe more you force something, a relationship, into a specific box the more you will be disapointed. Having a purely online relationship isnt a bad thing, every relationship finds its own place I think and each one can teach you something. This one has ended, and I am sure you are gutted but it will get better, just think about what it is that you have learned from it . :D

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 4:55:13 AM

Dnomyar

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OP. It happends to Dom's also. Subs just up and dissapear for no know reason. You gave it a shot and it did'nt happen. Collect yourself and move on. I don't see where you need to change anything. Just continue to be yourself.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 5:04:10 AM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
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I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. If this has happened more than once or twice, I'd advise taking a look at how you are approaching a relationship also to see if something you may be doing is opening you up to being used by a player.

I checked out your profile. Two things stood out. The second sentence says, " am a very trusting person , one that wants to belive everything you say ..... " Perhaps you need to learn not to be so trusting from the very start of chatting with someone. Let them earn the benefit of a doubt since you've been burned. A caring Dominant will know that a submissive can be approached by all sorts of nasty characters on here, and will be understanding of a bit of skepticism. I'd also take that line out, as that is just asking for liars to contact you in a way - you're telling the players out there that you're vulnerable in a big way.

Also, you say at the end of your profile that if someone is interested, they should PM you. I'd suggest possibly emailing a few times with someone before moving on to PM'ing so that you get a general feel for them before moving on to PM'ing. BUT if you're comfortable with the PM'ing, I'd still take it out of your profile and let him contact you through email first, so you can see how he presents himself in an email format. You can sometimes get a feel for the person that way.

Good luck to you.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 5:07:43 AM

BeingChewsie

Posts: 1633
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If she enjoys it she shouldn't stop. It doesn't sound like its working too well for her. So if she wants better odds of not having it happen to her, she needs to not have phone sex with these men and set up a time to meet for coffee or dinner as soon as possible for both parties.

quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

Hmmm if she enjoys online/cyber why should she stop it? its a perfectly valid way to start to build a relationship its not a case of rush to the finish. I would say the problem may come with desiring it too much, which I have certainly been guilty of. I have settled for a lot of things that werent right for me simply because I wanted to feel like someone wanted me. It wasnt until I gave up looking, stopped stressing and did things for me, because I enjoyed them not because I wanted to meet someone that I met someone. ITs how it works. THe more you force something, a relationship, into a specific box the more you will be disapointed. Having a purely online relationship isnt a bad thing, every relationship finds its own place I think and each one can teach you something. This one has ended, and I am sure you are gutted but it will get better, just think about what it is that you have learned from it . :D

_____________________________

"In fact, it is my contention that most women are accepting of way less than optimal circumstance constantly, and are lucky to be 'snagged' by the right man, if ever. But it is more by happy accident than by their design. "
~Ron and Hup

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 5:12:17 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BeingChewsie

If she enjoys it she shouldn't stop. It doesn't sound like its working too well for her. So if she wants better odds of not having it happen to her, she needs to not have phone sex with these men and set up a time to meet for coffee or dinner as soon as possible for both parties.

Just my personal experiance meeting someone quickly and having a long period of net/phone communication doesnt really change the odds of it working. Its all dependent on the type of person that she talks to. Also I am not sure that for someone who is struggling rushing to meet people is the best idea. I know that when I did it in the beginning I was so keen to "start something" that I showed a disregard for my own saftey. I dont know how that applies to her but i do know that i learned a hell of a lot from the internet relationships/friendships whatever you want to call them.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 5:42:23 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: simplewhispers

scuse me I did not mean to imply that I have had several failed relatioships, cause I have not, nor did I ask or want financial gain from him , he knew this, and what wanted I said I would give .... the thing you are right about is that I dont use good judgement sometimes when it comes to the opposite sex

Then take a break while you learn why you don't use good judgment and change that. Unfortunately it is almost invariably due to family of origin. And requires some serious introspection, the process goes faster with a good professional as a guide.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 7:16:47 AM

Constrictor1

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simplewhispers, I feel for you. I understand it because I too have been where you are. After getting the treatment of being led on and then abruptly abandoned (EEEKKK!) I remembered a life lesson learned years ago but forgotten in the desire to find someone. That lesson is simple. On the net, and real life as well ,TRUST (and belief) in someone is EARNED in increments, not granted as an entitlement to anyone.
I know this is not much comfort but it might help avoid the next pain.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 9:50:17 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
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quote:

Many folks find that you are not complete until you meet your other half...

So you are what, if you never meet your other half? An incomplete person? What if it doesn't work with the person who completes you? Do you revert back to a state of being less than complete? I find this to be nonsense. Find yourself and find your life, then worry about finding another to share it with.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 9:52:06 AM

meticulousgirl

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good topic, i've wondered the same thing, will watch and read the responses on this one.

~meticulous~

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 12:01:04 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
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About a year ago you wrote in your journal, "no cyber".
What happened to change that?
It does look from reading your journal, that you've fallen into a couple if not a few relationships (online?) over the last year.
Nothing wrong with trying new things and seeing what works for you, but what worries me is the tone of your profile.
It seems to me that someone who is a predator would read that and know exactly what to say to make you believe what it is that you already want to believe. (sorry about the convoluted sentence, btw)
The problem with being a sub, is that, you are already, by definition, a vulnerable open, person.
When looking (online especially, but really any time) you must (imo) hide the vulnerability, and be not only NOT vulnerable, but, in charge.
You have to be in charge of who you speak with, how they speak to you and treat you, and the pace of the relationship.
You cannot be submissive to everyone or even most who contact you.
You have to have (at least I have to) a friendship first. Find out who and what they are. That only happens over time, with spending time not only over the phone but in real life as well. If a man talks about his honour and his righteousness, but his ex-wife is struggling to feed their six kids with no child support, you may want to re-think that particular 'master'.
If a man speaks of responsibility, but plays his wii instead of working, you have a big clue there.
Know what it is that you seek.
Not just 'alpha'; but MY Alpha. The one who completes you, not just the one you could snag.
Be choosy, be friendly and have fun, but do not let anyone order you around until you have the respect for that person that calls for you to submit to him.
When you're first looking, you *do* want to find someone to give all that lovely submission to, but, as you've found, if you give it to the wrong person, it's just a waste.
Take some time for yourself, and come back strong. Teach those who are interested how to treat you. (don't tell them you'll believe whatever they say, even though you might)
A dom who receives instant submission will not find as much value in it, as what he has earned. (there are probably exceptions to this, but I have a feeling they are rare.)
Uhm...I guess I've said enough...
I wish you the best!

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 1:09:51 PM

simplewhispers

Posts: 232
Joined: 12/27/2006
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thanks for all the much needed advice, appears to be I need to edit my journal

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A silent woman is always more admired than a noisy one.
Season your admiration for a while With an attent ear. . .

simplewhispers

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 1:54:37 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
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Editing your journal is a good start, but...
as you already know, unless you change how you approach these relationships, the same thing will happen.

~Christina

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 6:45:24 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
The problem with being a sub, is that, you are already, by definition, a vulnerable open, person.

Uhh which definition is that exactly? I'd suggest not making such a false universal generalization.

quote:

When looking (online especially, but really any time) you must (imo) hide the vulnerability, and be not only NOT vulnerable, but, in charge.
You have to be in charge of who you speak with, how they speak to you and treat you, and the pace of the relationship.
You cannot be submissive to everyone or even most who contact you.

It must be nice not to be held accountable for your actions- most subs and slaves I know are, either by their doms, or by life in general. Sub doesn't mean you get to pass on being accountable and responsible for yourself.

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RE: A neglectful Dom - 3/5/2008 6:47:42 PM

LuckyAlbatross

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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin
Just my personal experiance meeting someone quickly and having a long period of net/phone communication doesnt really change the odds of it working. Its all dependent on the type of person that she talks to. Also I am not sure that for someone who is struggling rushing to meet people is the best idea. I know that when I did it in the beginning I was so keen to "start something" that I showed a disregard for my own saftey. I dont know how that applies to her but i do know that i learned a hell of a lot from the internet relationships/friendships whatever you want to call them.

I used to be a slut. I wasn't happy. I did it for the wrong reasons- to get attention and feel secure and desired. I used to feel it was the only way I'd get any sincere attention from males.

Now, I'm a slut. I am happy. I do it for the right reasons. I understand how to gain what I want, how to avoid what I don't want, and how to know the difference.

I agree there's no reason for her to stop doing what she enjoys- but if she can't figure out how to know the difference and go about it the right way, then it won't work for her. Whispers has opened herself several times asking for advice on how to stop doing what she keeps doing to herself, but she never really listens or tries to make changes.

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