The slap of reality (Full Version)

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LadyHathor -> The slap of reality (3/6/2008 8:58:52 AM)

This post comes as a result of a very heated one yesterday ( on another thread) --I hope we hear from a lot of varying situations regarding this---I think its worth a read from everyone out there---we recently in a variety of threads have discussed work or no work--it seems more in the Domina,male sub area--and I want to bring some reality here.
 
IMHO, in a 24/7 live-in or close relationship--90% of real life still exists--and bills have to be met/paid--though I personally can easily afford the main household bills, I still need a boy to work part time AND make sure the following are cared for by him--meaning you better be paying for or have paid for and intend to continue to pay for--( some of this may be rash, but I venture to say, many have not thought this out--and the solid D/s ones HAVE)--and I think this works for either a D or s--food for thought.
 
1. you must have healthcare
                         smokers or drinkers insurance is higher
2. you must have dental insurance
3. you must be able to afford eye exams and eyewear if needed.
4. you must be debt free--if you have a credit card you must be able to pay whatever you charge.
5. you must have a reliable car, legal, inspected ( and your note is not co-signed) and be paying your car insurance
6. you must be able to pay the property tax on said car every year
7. you must have a burial plan or life insurance ( if you have children or other family members, make sure it is paid, the beneficiary named)
8. you will sign a prenup if it comes to that as my estate goes to my UM
9. you must have some kind of Rx insurance
10. ability to pay your income tax  federal and state and all back taxes filed and paid
11. ability to pay all storage fees should you leave things behind or store in the new location
12. gas for your car
13. you may be asked to pay for your cigarettes
14. make sure you have made arrangements and documented what happens to things and who does what
15. any and all tickets, citations, arrests must be cleared up.
16. Any divorce issues resolved and paid for.
 
 
SO reality shatter the fantasy a tad?
 
Thoughts?

 
 



colouredin -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:01:50 AM)

See in england its all a bit easier, NHS and that, the only rule about my relocation is that i pay a quater of the bills and thats it. But then i dont have a car or any legal things like that



akisha -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:14:39 AM)

I totally agree with that list in general. Unless it's negotiated before hand that the person will be covered for heath care, dental etc, then yes they better have it and be paying for it.

As a Dominant or a submissive, when coming into a relationship it's an unreal expectation to expect a new partner to clean up the debt from your life before hand. Here in Canada, adding a person to my benefit package with my company does not cost anything more. I'm already paying a family rate. But to be honest, I don;t want someone that can't even pay for his own health care. I can barely support myself and my lilbit. Rarely in this day and age can you live on a single income. Those that can, that's awesome, but to be honest, even if my  partner could afford to totally support me, I'd go insane staying home all the time. my career is very fullfilling to me and having been dumped penniless with a baby once, I'll never really trust it not to happen again, therefore I insist that I always work, even if just part time.

Side note..., You have to pay property taxes on your car every year? that's friggin unreal



CalifChick -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:18:14 AM)

Well I'm not a male sub, but I would fail on the healthcare issue.  I'm 43 and cannot purchase individual health insurance.  Not "will not" or "cannot afford", but CANNOT, meaning no one will sell it to me for any price. The only way I can get health insurance is through a group plan where no one can be denied (and I'm not working where group coverage is offered).  I've had my gallbladder removed (which you would not think would be a strike against you, since it is not there to cause problems, but it is a strike), I have recurring bouts with pleurisy (with no discernible cause), and I've broken both kneecaps, a couple of ribs, a few bones in one foot, and my wrist.  Those things add up to "uninsurable."

Cali



Mercnbeth -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:20:33 AM)

quote:

Thoughts?

this slave would pass on that "reality".  it sounds, to her, like the reality of a typical vanilla live-in relationship or roommate---each person is responsible for themselves, their upkeep and their baggage with a firm understanding of what is expected.  been there, done that, burned the T-shirt.
 
in this slave's experience, the reality of being a 24/7 live-in slave means this slave is given responsibilities as Master sees fit, not that fits in with what vanilla society or even an internet BDSM message board deems acceptable, fair, real, true, etc.
 
all that was "hers" (assets or debts) became His upon agreeing to enter into such a relationship.
 
this slave expects and receives no monetary compensation for her service, but because Master desires her focus and attention to be on Him and Him alone, she has no outside employment.  Master provides for this slave's basic needs and anything/everything else, is up to His discretion.
 
while your list might work well for you and your relationships, it certainly isn't just a "fantasy" to live in a reality that isn't structured the way yours is.



SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:22:02 AM)

I think that your list is fine for you, but I do not have many of the things you would demand from a submissive...

Perhaps it is a function of female and male dominants and what they expect from a submissive?

I have health insurance that I may lose soon.

I have student loan debts.

I refuse to get credit cards, so my credit is almost non-existent.

I think that everyone has different limits when it comes to things like this. A dominant with no health insurance might have his submissive put him on her health plan if they marry or vice versa. A submissive might have job issues. A dominant might have credit card debt... etc. A sub might be going through a divorce for years... owe child support... etc.

Life is a messy thing. Once we hit 40 we usually have left a couple of messes in our wake.  And once we hit 40 different messes come up... like our parents get ill and we have to decide what to do with them. Our grown children make bad choices that we deal with (like unexpected job loss, relational issues, health issues, college issues). I guess what I am trying to say is that it would be nice if everyone came to us with no past history or baggage, but if we reject people based upon these things out of hand, we might be missing out on a very special person going through some temporary problems.

My mother once said, don't hook up with anyone that has more problems than you do. I think that is a better rule of thumb than a list of things that I may or may not find acceptable. I think one or two of the issues that you posted might put off. Some of them wouldn't, and there are other things that you did not list that would be a complete limit for me... but it isn't usually one or two things, it is when there are a series of things that make a person's entire life look like a trainwreck that make me run away.

So basically, in my relationship, I just made sure I picked someone with baggage I could either handle, or not. If he needs to hand me an occasional overnight case so that he can deal with the rest of his baggage, I am very content to do so. Like I said, at our age,  there are very few people that have traveled this far that remain unscathed from the road.

~Sinergy's strumpet~



LadyHathor -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:27:31 AM)

Thanks to all who posted this far-and I am so gald to see differing views and I know it will continue--the point appearing already, is that most of those issues have been addressed and faced---( and My list is just that--Mine and no one elses)--
 
the point is, life issues have to be evaluated beyond the flogger--
 
smiles



IrishMist -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:32:06 AM)

Sorry, but I am in agreement with Miss Beth and Julia here

If it works for you; fine...but don't make the mistake that what you view as fantasy would be viewed the same by all.



OmegaG -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 9:41:44 AM)

you ask that he have health insurance et al, but then say he needs to pay for storage if he relocates.

I have all that you expect (except the car and costs because I live in a town where it's just easier not to drive) yet I will be giving up the job with the benefits to move closer to him.  I think it would be a fantasy for him to expect that I can immediately find another job comparable to the one I'm leaving, especially since he would like me to have a flex schedule so that I can help him sometimes during office hours.

Of course, he doesn't have this list of requirements.



LadyHathor -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:03:14 AM)

I hope no one thought My list was a fantasy list- ( it is for Me though the hard reality) -I simply meant for Me, these things needed to be considered and wanted to hear where others heads are for some of these issues.
 
[8|]



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:06:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHathor


,  
1. you must have healthcare
                         smokers or drinkers insurance is higher
2. you must have dental insurance
3. you must be able to afford eye exams and eyewear if needed.
4. you must be debt free--if you have a credit card you must be able to pay whatever you charge.
5. you must have a reliable car, legal, inspected ( and your note is not co-signed) and be paying your car insurance
6. you must be able to pay the property tax on said car every year
7. you must have a burial plan or life insurance ( if you have children or other family members, make sure it is paid, the beneficiary named)
8. you will sign a prenup if it comes to that as my estate goes to my UM
9. you must have some kind of Rx insurance
10. ability to pay your income tax  federal and state and all back taxes filed and paid
11. ability to pay all storage fees should you leave things behind or store in the new location
12. gas for your car
13. you may be asked to pay for your cigarettes
14. make sure you have made arrangements and documented what happens to things and who does what
15. any and all tickets, citations, arrests must be cleared up.
16. Any divorce issues resolved and paid for.
 
 
SO reality shatter the fantasy a tad?
 
Thoughts?

 
 


IMHO most of these things on this list are those of a person that is responsible. Except maybe the healthcare part because we all know in US it can be very expensive. These are things to me that says responsibility. I personally don't expect anyone to pay my way. I work and he works, we both have to to live. We have bills like anyone else. I have never expected anyone to pay for my livelihood.

Now that being said there are those dominants that want to pay for all these things and there are certainly those that will let them do it. Thats not for me, I pay for my own health insurance through work, help pay for mortgage, car, water etc.

Everyone has different expectations, some want someone that is able to support themselves and some want someone that wants someone else to support them. The reality of a real relationship is not the fantasy that some have.



TracyTaken -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:23:30 AM)

quote:

IMHO, in a 24/7 live-in or close relationship--90% of real life still exists--and bills have to be met/paid--though I personally can easily afford the main household bills, I still need a boy to work part time AND make sure the following are cared for by him . . .

1. you must have healthcare


That seems like an unlikely combination, unless boy has served in the Senate or something.



faerytattoodgirl -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:25:58 AM)

WOW might as well have them pay for everything!!!

personally i would only expect food/shelter/travel covered from Mistress.  anything else is luxury that i cover and since im in canada health care and dental are covered for me.  i have no credit since im on disability...therefore nobody in their right or left mind would give me a credit card or loan.





DrkJourney -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:39:45 AM)

I totally understand what you are saying and I didn't take it as you were saying that these were a requirment for anyone, just what you require and I guess you are asking what others might require with theirs.

I get emails all the time with people wanting to be houseboys and/or chained up and caged when not in use.  I guess that's fine for Dommes/Doms who have wealth, or those that can some how do this, I think it's great!,  but for us poor worker bees, it just not realistic. 

That is one aspect of being a lifestyler, that I hate,having to deal with finance, but it is a reality.   I don't want anyone to take care of me financially, and they shouldn't expect me to take care of them.  I don't think this concept is far fetched....vanilla couples do it all the time...but a lot that email me think it's unrealistic...not sure why, but they do.



xxblushesxx -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:41:02 AM)

Yes, I agree life issues have to be faced in and out of a bdsm relationship.
And some do use wiitwd to hide from themselves.
As for your list, it works for you and yours, and that is all that matters.



missunderstood88 -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:42:25 AM)

I think this is a good list. Before one person enters into relationship with another person--BDSM or otherwise--it is best if they have their act together. This list essentially boils down to "do you have your act together?"

OP: I'm curious, how flexible are you in this list? Is it a list of absolutes, or is there some leeway? I ask not for myself, but out of simple curiosity.




missturbation -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 10:59:47 AM)

Again i'm in the UK so a few of those are irrelevant. However since i was 17 i have been financially independent and plan on always being so.
I run my own business, i'm the landlady of a pub. Its pretty much a 24/7 job although i do take the occasional night off to go see Sir and He also comes up here.
Because of the infrequency of our time together, thats how W/we choose it, no reality doesn't ruin our fantasy.
Could i live off someone else? No i dont think i could. But again its just personal choice like anything in this lifestyle.



LadyLynx -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 11:00:20 AM)

I remember one time I was viewing profiles of people who post on the forum, and I came across this one, of a Dom, (for the life of me, can't remember who it was, or where he was from.) but in his journal section he itemized all the costs it took to move his slave,and get her settled in. (everything from moving vans-to dental care-shoes,clothing, so on.) At that time I was conversing with a male sub from Florida, who didn't seem to have a realistic grasp on how things could add up,(or on the lifestyle for that matter.)So I wrote to this Dom, asking if I could use the list as an example, of costs. he said sure, and we exchanged a few more emails after that, but lost touch. the sub that I was talking to,went *poof* but emailed me a few months later with the same ideas.  **rolls eyes**  I just sent back a  'not interested,sorry'



LadyHathor -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 11:01:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missunderstood88

I think this is a good list. Before one person enters into relationship with another person--BDSM or otherwise--it is best if they have their act together. This list essentially boils down to "do you have your act together?"

OP: I'm curious, how flexible are you in this list? Is it a list of absolutes, or is there some leeway? I ask not for myself, but out of simple curiosity.




thanks missunderstood88 for asking---there is some leeway in minor areas---hc in the US is expensive, I can take a partner on My company policy but no pre-exists as they can be rejected-but there has to be a permanent commitment-eye insurance can be managed and we have several dental schools here so that can be dealt with IF the dental issues are not huge--I wont have a smoker so that's a  non issue--and in my state they are very strict about cars/registration and insurance so that's non negotiable. Life insurance, non negotiable as too many people over look this and its very expensive to bury someone may seem dark, but no one ever knows what is going to happen.
 
now as faerytattod mentioned--here is what one does get:
 
a loving home in a nice neighborhood, food, clothes, incidentals, hobbies, theater, symphony, museums, travel,
love, affection, devotion, care, attention, laughter and one hopes permanancy.
 
 



SubbieOnWheels -> RE: The slap of reality (3/6/2008 11:32:58 AM)

I think Lady Hathor has really thought about her list, and I would expect to be responsible for many of the same things should I enter into a live-in situation. I do not aim to become a "kept woman" in any sense of the term.

In my case, I will always have an income, and I am on Medicare now, so health, eyes, and dental, as well as prescriptions, are all covered. I do not drive, so I don't have a car, but I would expect to be responsible for arranging my own transportation to appointments, work, etc. (I am looking for employment, but I will never be off disability.) I am currently going through bankruptcy, so my credit score is in the toilet, but I will come out clean.401(k), a couple of other pensions, and life insurance all in order with benificiaries named.

Now for my side of reality. My income is mine. I expect to pay a share of living expenses, and even of entertainment, but if I have money left after that, it is mine. I pay my liabilities, and I keep my assets. Unles I marry, the beneficiaries on my retirement plans and life insurance will remain unchanged; in fact, they will remain unchanged until at least one year after I marry. I expect my Dom to be able to keep up his share of expenses, and I don't expect to be his beneficiary unless we marry.

Maybe it's because I've taken care of myself for 37 years that I have no desire and feel no need to be taken care of by someone else.



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