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RE: It could be better ... - 3/8/2008 6:00:21 AM

pahunkboy

Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
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Hey OP. I been there. I attended a depression support group last week. The group doesnt "want" to feel better.

Here is my take. When a freind is not 50-50 for too long of a space- then the friendship ends or takes a break.

Here are some phrazes. "I have 5 minutes for this conversation" "you already told me that- what else is going on" "we can discuss this for 5 minutes- after that we must move on to another topic" "what are your choices" "what is your plan b"

You are now the boogieman cos you will not be her pitty party. You will not be a victem with her,

BAck to 50-50. regardless of the issues- if it is all dumping on the other person, then it cant last.

the fatalistic outlook was a burden to you.

find other freinds and now

(in reply to SeeksOnlyOne)

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RE: It could be better ... - 3/8/2008 6:50:47 AM

TreasureKY

Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
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Fast reply...

I'm going to put a little different spin on this than the other posters have so far. It isn't that I don't agree that chronic complainers are a bore and an energy drain, but there is a limit to the opposite. I've known people who are "little miss sunshine" and to be honest, when I'm having a rough time and just need a shoulder to cry on, they are the ones I end up wanting to throttle. Please do not ever tell me that there are people in this world who are worse off... I have never wanted to elevate myself on the backs of others less fortunate. I see that as being right up there with putting others down to make yourself look good.

And does it truly make a loss less painful to know that it could have been worse?

*imagines a conversation*

"You should be happy that you only lost one child... you could have lost both, you know."

Excuse me? Yes, a loss could be worse... but that doesn't make the current pain feel good.

There is a difference between saying "things aren't so bad" and "things will get better". The first invalidates, the second encourages.

Sometimes I just need to hear some words of sympathy and sometimes I just need someone to listen. Sometimes I don't want to be reminded of what is right in my life or be told how I could fix things. Sometimes I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's okay to I feel what I feel. I think everyone deserves a little time to grieve.

I do understand that it is frustrating to listen to someone whose problems seem minor to our own. But isn't that really just focusing on how we feel? Just because my problems seem much worse that your problems, does that mean you don't have the right to be upset about yours?

Of course, I do agree that it is difficult to be around someone who never seems to live on the bright side of life. There are people who seem to enjoy wallowing in their own misery, and they often try to drag others into their drama. You aren't wrong for wanting to avoid that.

(in reply to pahunkboy)

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Post #: 22

RE: It could be better ... - 3/8/2008 9:42:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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It takes a while to get used to a chronic problem. If they're new, she may not have adapted to it yet. But maybe it would be more helpful not to say to her that she's so selfish, but that you aren't in shape to listen to her problems because of your own. And that she ought to find a therapist to talk to instead who might help her learn better coping skills. Because the truth is, some people never learn good coping skills and that's a shame.

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RE: It could be better ... - 3/8/2008 9:50:46 AM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bleusparkles

Finally, today I couldn't take anymore. I pointed out to her how lucky we both are and how great our lives are. When you really think about it, we DO have great lives. We're both incredibly blessed women ... She's not speaking to me right now because she says I'm trivializing her pain. In her own words ... "It [my life] could be better."

I'm blown away by such selfishness ... But I guess what I'm really wondering is, am I cold and callous for not agreeing that her life is horrible because she has these chronic problems? Do I need to learn compassion? Am I the selfish one for not wanting to hear her saga as her epic battle continues?

It's understandable to not want to indulge her in listening to her whining about her pain. But to tell her she's blessed and how great her life is, in my opinion, was wrong. If you come to those conclusions about your life, despite enduring pain, that is wonderful, but to expect your friend to be in the same place is imo self centered.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 24