It could be better ... (Full Version)

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bleusparkles -> It could be better ... (3/6/2008 4:43:34 PM)

You know, I consider myself to be a lucky girl. I have a really easy life compared to the life my mother had to lead and the lives of her parents. Yeah, I've had a few broken dreams and I have chronic migraine and fibromyalgia. I also have polycystic ovary syndrome and probably won't ever be able to have a baby without some serious medical intervention. But I'm still pretty lucky because you know what? There are doctors who can help with all of those problems. 50 years ago, I wouldn't have been *so* lucky.

The girl who calls me her best friend came from an even better background than me. A loving family, parents who support and care for her and a relatively blemish free existence. She's been attending college on grants instead of student loans and doesn't have to worry about working to support herself right now because whatever bills she can't cover, her parents do.

Every day she calls and complains about how miserable her life is. She's got chronic migraine too so sometimes she can't do the things she wants to do because of the headaches. Lately she's also been dealing with some weird thyroid issues and made the decision to quit college, break her lease and move back home with her parents. More complaints ... Her parents drive her crazy, the thyroid issue has been playing around with her metabolism and she has mysterious muscle aches. She writes about it in her blog and it dominates every conversation I've had with her for the past 6 months. Her life often sounds like an epic saga between good and evil. Constant drama ...

Finally, today I couldn't take anymore. I pointed out to her how lucky we both are and how great our lives are. When you really think about it, we DO have great lives. We're both incredibly blessed women ... She's not speaking to me right now because she says I'm trivializing her pain. In her own words ... "It [my life] could be better."

I'm blown away by such selfishness ... But I guess what I'm really wondering is, am I cold and callous for not agreeing that her life is horrible because she has these chronic problems? Do I need to learn compassion? Am I the selfish one for not wanting to hear her saga as her epic battle continues?



SugarMyChurro -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 5:17:21 PM)

I can't really answer your question directly, but I will say this: a relationship - ANY relationship - is a two-way street. Most people should focus on giving more than they receive. By doing so they are more likely to hit that magic place of equilibrium with the other person in the relationship. But even generosity has limits.

Constant negativity is hard to tolerate over long periods. The negative speaker babbles on and their expectation seems to be that the listener can go on listening ad infinitum. The listener of such negativity is not actually able to listen to it forever; the listener is more like a cup that fills to the brim and then spills over. Enough is enough. That may come across as passive-aggressive but I don't think it is. The listener cares enough to listen and hopes that things will improve for the speaker. But for some people things don't get better and they often don't even try to make things better, neither in actual fact nor even in terms of their own outlook on things. I think it's just human nature for the listener to see this as a hopeless situation and to call attention to it - maybe even explosively. Effectively, it's a deal-breaker in friendships because we all expect others to struggle toward, and to use rational means of achieving positive goals. By refusing to adopt a positive outlook and thereby try to improve her situation, the speaker of negativity is not holding up her end of things.

You reached your limit with her. That's all it is.

I expect the other person also monopolizes your conversations with all of her negative talk. But I could be projecting from personal experience. It's my experience that hopelessly negative people are trapped in some kind of scripted drama that's all about them. I suspect part of what bothers you is that you aren't getting enough back from this relationship.

Does that make any sense?

[:D]




bleusparkles -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 5:36:14 PM)

It makes perfect sense. I guess I just don't feel like I should want more back from the relationship? I don't feel entitled ... Or something. Stupid. Bleh ... Thats me being ignorant, I think.



MadameTakhisis -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 5:43:28 PM)

You have been her dumpster long enough. The friendship has been gone, now she no longer have a use for you since you stop being her drama catcher.



ominousdominus -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:03:58 PM)

Well, this will be my 2nd post here on cm, so why don't I just barge in and start flapping my lips.....or fingers on the keyboard as it were.

It sounds as if you have shown compassion, and it sounds as though you've listened to her as well, which is not selfish by any means.

No, you aren't callous or cold, hell my first reaction is-"Lose her, she's a ZERO".....see? THAT is callous and cold, but that's how I roll.

I think it was nice of you to point out what she could be GRATEFUL for, that's being honest and that is a true friend. She may be so blinded by her negative outlook on her life that she is incapable of a reciprocating friendship.......that is enough armchair pschology out of me.

By the way hi, I'm OD



Kirata -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:12:36 PM)

Hello bleu,
 
I think you have simply stopped serving as a facilitator, and that she will now either try to manipulate you back into that role or discard you. Sounds like she's trying a little of both.
 
K.
 



Level -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:15:30 PM)

Take her to a burn ward in a hospital.



bleusparkles -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:18:21 PM)

You know, I actually thought about that this afternoon, Level.

As for everyone else, I didn't realize when I posted the OP how badly I needed to hear that I'm not a terrible person for finally saying something to her. Thank you.



madshysoul -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:21:03 PM)

bleusparkles -

Reading what you wrote I am struck by the similarity to a failed relationship in my own life. While much like you, I am still processing, I wanted to share something I wrote in the worst of it. It's not a solution...but maybe it'll be useful to see you aren't alone.

-------------------------------------------------
"I want absolution. I want to be told it's ok. I want someone to tell me that when you decide that someone has become a poisonous influence in your life that you can stop being responsible for what they feel and take care of yourself instead. I want to not feel guilty. I want to be able to honestly say, "I am not responsible for you." and make it stick. I want to cut a cord that should never have been tied in the first place. I want to stop feeling nauseous when I think about it, and I want to stop feeling guilty -because- I feel nauseous about it. I want to be able to take my own advice and realize that I cannot save the world. Sometimes people are just too broken to save, and I want to internalize that saying "I can't fix you" doesn't mean I failed. And I want to stop feeling like I should apologize for it. I didn't fail, it wasn't my fault and I wish I could believe that. And I want to stop hating myself for being manipulated in the first place. Self-sacrifice is fine, until you bleed yourself to death.

I said in a post a long time ago something to the effect of "I do not have the right to make anyone anything, but I have the right to hold up a candle in their darkness." I think now that I didn't finish that sentence. I do have the right to hold up a candle to their darkness, but if they cannot or will not see, I am not responsible for continuing to hold that candle. Their burdens are not mine, and saying 'I WILL not carry them' does not make me a bad person. I want to be able to say, "I can't. I won't." and walk out the door without feeling like I'm a bad person for doing it. I want to -want- without guilt."
----------------------------------------------------



ownedgirlie -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:43:11 PM)

You are not a bad person for speaking up.  I have a friend who was similar. She was very negative, and she was great to commiserate with when things were down, but her response to hearing anything positive was to counter it with something negative.

Last year I went through a bunch of crap, and as a result I took time off my job and took a long trip by myself, to work things out with myself.  It was a great time of soul searching, and of learning some key things about myself and about how I wanted my attitude about life to be.  While away, I sent some letters (via email) to friends and family, sharing parts of my trip with them.  Her response was to request that I not send her such letters, as they bothered her because she was so depressed.

Like you, that was my last straw with her.  I contacted her and told her I love her, and I understand she can not relate to the things I am sharing, but right now I need to surround myself with people who want to participate in my happiness.  I said I understood she was not able to do that right now, and I respect that, but to please not take it personally if I contact her less as a result.  And I wished her well.

There are no hard feelings between us.  Her feelings were hurt and we talked it out a couple of days later.  We remain friends now, but we don't see each other as often.  My energy is better spent on positive attitudes and people who are loving and encouraging.

It is my opinion that there are life affirming people and life sucking people, and we get to decide who we want to spend our time with.  I'm glad you decided to not stay in the negativity.  It is not a healthy place to be.



Level -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:47:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bleusparkles

You know, I actually thought about that this afternoon, Level.

As for everyone else, I didn't realize when I posted the OP how badly I needed to hear that I'm not a terrible person for finally saying something to her. Thank you.



You're not a terrible person, bleu. If you want the relationship to continue, tell her how you feel. If she cares about you, she'll make an effort to knock off some of her drama.



CalifChick -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 7:51:43 PM)

I am of the firm belief that people who experience little or no problems growing up become self-centered twits like your friend. From your description, everything has been handed to her and she doesn't appreciate what she DOES have. I'm surprised you've stuck it out THIS long with her.

When I was in high school, my stepfather ran off with another woman. We lived on a ranch in the mountains, but we had no money. We had garden vegetables, and eggs from the chickens, and meat from a cow we butchered.  But it was the first time in my life that I would say we were POOR.  We ate two meals a day on the weekends.  During school I skipped lunch.  Many days we ate dinner at our neighbor's house.  It was humiliating.

My mom was finally able to get a job in the nearest town about a 90 minute drive down and out of the mountains.  My senior year of high school and we had little to no money. Yeah that was fun. But I worked my ass off and got full scholarships and grants to school, and I took a part time job, and things improved.

To this day I  know that I am a better person for having gone through that. I take NOTHING that I have for granted. I work two jobs that equal 45 hours a week plus 2 jobs from home to make sure that I can feed my family and keep a roof over their heads.

I have very little tolerance to princesses like your "friend."

Cali



HandSolo -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 9:26:07 PM)

When I was a pre-teen to early teen, if I complained about life, I got the "starving kids in China (or Africa, or Baltimore)" speech. Well meaning,and  intended to give perspective. What I got from it, was that I didn't have permission to feel bad unless I was worse off than anybody else in the world. Being the angsty little twat that I was, I set out with exactly that goal. Fortunately, I saw through this idiocy eventually.

I know at least one person I was close to, for whom the above mentality is a lifestyle. I dealt with it for too long, because I felt I recognized it, and could empathize, at least to a degree. That did neither of us any good. Competetive misery is a game you can't win, and if she doesn't want out, either learn to say "wow, really?" on the phone convincingly while you do your taxes, or move on.



DominorSomnium -> RE: It could be better ... (3/6/2008 9:53:18 PM)

My own mother pulls this on me. I can never have a normal conversation without hearing how hard her life is, or how evil my father (her ex husband) is. I just want to tell her, MOM YOU ARE NOT ILL. Because, in the end, she is not dying, has no real problems, and lives better than like 80% of the people I know. So your friend is a black-hole like my mom, sucking up time and your valuable energy.



Termyn8or -> RE: It could be better ... (3/7/2008 11:25:25 PM)

It seems you are all talking to me. (jk)

My phone ringer is turned off most of the time because I just don't deal with drama. I will once, I will make my recommendations, that is it. I do not want to hear about it again.

I am not a shrink, a doctor, a lawyer, a bank or a mechanic. I'll be damnned if I do it for free. Anybody has a chance. Think it through, make forward progress. I'll listen, and in the end there is my advice, don't take it, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

The fact of the matter is this, they have this problem because they do not know what to do about it. I do not have this problem because I do know what to do about it. And if they have the same problems I have, they should call someone else. So should I.

Like in the case of battered Women. Batter her once, shame on him, batter her twice, shame on her.

Anyway the fact of the matter is that life sucks even for healthy people. We are in a dog eat dog rat race and people are nasty and getting nastier. We can't get along, and we are basically going to hell in a handbasket.

But why dwell on it ? If people lose sight of the good things in life, they usually have to find it again on their own. Nothing you can say is going to work.

When it gets to that point it is cut and run. Whatever happened to wreck their life did not happen to you. And that is the bottom line.

T



kinkbound -> RE: It could be better ... (3/7/2008 11:40:12 PM)

I've learned that there are many people out there who are suffering more than I can imagine.

I just thank my lucky stars that I'm not one of them, and that I'm strong enough to not allow myself to give away most of my positive energy to them.



MissMagnolia -> RE: It could be better ... (3/7/2008 11:48:37 PM)

So much good advice has been given already.

OP, some people just thrive on drama. They can't get enough of it, so if they don't have any, they make some up. And the bigger the better. We ALL know people like that. Good for you that you've said "no more".

When someone says that life could be better, I always say it could be worse. Direct them to an Oxfam site, or any of the other sites dedicated to feeding the hungry, a childrens hospital, a cancer ward. Then tell her to shut the fuck up and come back when she has something positive to say about her life.

If she stops talking to you because you refused to listen to her endless shite, is she really someone you want as a friend anyway? I think ya did good.[:)]



adoracat -> RE: It could be better ... (3/8/2008 1:50:13 AM)

life could be better for me, yes.  i'm living in pain, and i keep falling down, and other sucky stuff  but i have a home, and people who love me, and food in the kitchen, and internet acess....

some stuff i deal with sucks, but i woke up breathing again, smiling to myself at wolf snoring beside me.  i have a teen who will not only be seen in public with me, but will HUG me and kiss my cheek with his friends around!  my grown daughter is happy in her life.

to me that's an awful lot of good stuff that outweighs the bad.  and let me not fail to mention that i have a wonderful Daddy whom i adore, and who loves me in return.

kitten



Kirata -> RE: It could be better ... (3/8/2008 2:09:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkbound

I've learned that there are many people out there who are suffering more than I can imagine.


I recall a story, I can't remember from where, that went (more or less) like this. Everyone who wished to do so was given the chance to rid themselves of any problems, any suffering, anything they didn't want in their life. All they had to do was stuff it all into a garbage bag and put it in a special dumpster, taking away one of the other bags instead. But in the end, the story goes, every single person who took the offer came back looking for the bag they had left.
 
K.
 



SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: It could be better ... (3/8/2008 2:19:17 AM)

bleu, id say she could learn a lot from you about looking at the sunny side.  lingering on the problems one has makes the good things disappear.  youre not callous, just a person with a much more positive outlook on life.  it will serve you well.  hopefully she can learn to crawl out of the misery some day too and discover what its like to be happy and appreciative of all you do have, rather than miserable and thinking about all you dont have.




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