So i must now defend myself... (Full Version)

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Belladonna30 -> So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 5:39:03 PM)

Ok, so my Dom (whom i love with every inch of my being) posted in Ask a Master. He and i have a strange issue. For the last 3 months or so, He has been experiencing sexomnia (masterbation during sleep/semi-sleep). 
When He first started it, i found it strange but sexeh. i mean it was funny and He seriously thought i was teasing Him and playing a joke on Him, til last night. He has never reached climax from this form of masterbation as it is usually short lived in spurts of 10-15 seconds, but last night He did as He was going to town for quite a while. He woke up shortly after cumming and was embarrassed and confused and apologetic as well as disgusted with Himself. W/we had discussed it that should i catch Him in the act that i should take control and help Him out with it, well He beat me to it and now i am just frustrated. At least now He realizes that i wasnt BS-ing Him like He thought. It hurt me at the time. i am over emotional and it feels like if i gave Him more release through out the day He wouldnt do it. 

Now, here's another portion of this deal, i am "riding the crimson wave" right now and sex drops to almost nil when i bleed as He can't deal. i am on Depo so my cycle is all fubar'd and sometimes i bleed for weeks or months. MD says its normal and i know it is until it just goes away, i am not new to this form of birth control. When i dont bleed He has release multiple times throughout the day and the "nocturnal activity is rare". So this really feels like my fault. He has tried to make me feel better by telling me that its Him and not me, but i keep track of this stuff to see if it IS my fault, and sure as shit it seems as though it is.
But as time has progressed and as i delve deeper into my submission, i find it disturbing. Here is why...first there is some minor insecurity as it makes me feel like even though He has access to me at any time and can have me at any time, why would He continue to need more. Makes me feel as if i am not providing enough for Him and on a subconscious level He needs additional release? i find masterbation in a vanilla relationship fine and dandy as it's sexeh and a total turn on in that realm for me, but as a submissive it is a punishment on many levels for me and this frustrates me. i crave intimate attention from Him and it is soooo much worse when i bleed as my sex drive goes through the roof.
i know i am the cause for this and i dont know what to do. He normally comes to me when He needs to use me, and i love that, but when i bleed He avoids me like the plague and rarely asks for oral, which He normally enjoys. I would be more than happy to suck Him off all day long when He needs it, but i digress. ***FYI: W/we don't partake in anal as neither of U/s care for it***

So, there's my side of the story and how i feel. Any ideas of what W/we can do?

Regards,
~bella~




RedMagic1 -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 5:51:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna30
Any ideas of what W/we can do?

As a matter of fact, yes.

The two of you can stop spending all your energy defending yourselves and feeling disgusted and insecure about unavoidable facts about the human body.  Instead of getting so worked up about everything except how to care about each other, focus your efforts on how to make each other happier.

For example: he's asleep and stroking himself.  Gently remove his hand and YOU give him a handjob until he either relaxes or comes.  Then you're the one giving him satisfaction.  YAYYY.

For example: you're menstruating and he doesn't want to go down on you or enter you.  Fine.  He buys you a silicon dildo, and gets you all hot and bothered while you're still wearing some sexy clothes.  Then use the toy to come.  He can be in the other room for that, whatever.  He's the one getting you to the brink of satisfaction. YAYYYYY!

I hope this is the end of the motherfucking soap opera.



Belladonna30 -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:00:05 PM)

RE: RedMagic1

As i can appreciate all advice, rudeness is not welcomed. i am sorry that Y/ou decided to read this post, even though it was not required or demanded of Y/ou. Strange how folks seem to toss out rudeness when they can just pass the post on by and ignore it. There was no need for attitude. W/e are seeking advice, not ridicule or attitude. i thought these boards were for seeking advice and information. Hmmmm. Maybe i was grossly mistaken?



angelikaJ -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:11:13 PM)

go_through_and_read_HIS_posts_and_see_how_he_perceives_things.

how_does_his_perception_match/differ_from_yours?


This_is_an_opportunity_for_you_to_both_grow_in_the_relationship.

if_he_says_it_isn't_you_and_you_do_not_trust_that...

can_you_see_how_your_insecurity_is_getting_in_the_way?



SteelofUtah -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:15:29 PM)

I have wanted to say this for a LONG time.

This is not being said as Nasty or as Mean but as informative.

Did it ever occur to you that he ENJOYS Masturbating and that it isn't always about the release but about the intamacy one has with themselves.

My girl also has an issue with my Masturbation, it took a LONG time to get her to understand that her pussy can never feel like my hand and where I LOVE being in her pussy there are times I also like being in my hand.

If you stop looking at it as "He would rather masturbate than have sex with me." and start seeing it as "He Enjoys me AND masturbating" then you can escape this whole issue all together it isn't about You or him it's about enjoyment and there are times I want my wife and there are times I WANT my hand.

As far as the blood and sex issue I gotta say I think he kinda needs to MAN UP. Again this is NOT to be rude but rather think about how selfish he is being because your Phermones are WAY up when you are menstrating and denying you physical contact due to a little menstral blood is in my opinion silly. Yeah I understand the preference but I gotta say I think it feels better whe she is menstrating as it feels better, I don't know why but it does.

I do have to agree that you guys are spending WAY too much energy in defending yourselves and not enough in overcoming this issue you are having with each other.

Sorry if what I said upsets you I am only trying to help.

Steel



angelikaJ -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:17:42 PM)

Despite_the_last_sentence,_RedMagic1_gave_you_some_very_good_advice...
with_win-win_outcomes.
Perhaps_you_could_read_it_again...



RedMagic1 -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:20:00 PM)

Stop defending yourself and do what I suggested one time.  Just do it and see what happens.

And #2: stop using the fact that YOU have an attitude about everything as an excuse to avoid improving your relationship.  I am telling you 100% practical things the two of you can try, to cut through the bullshit you are piling on top of each other.  My own "rudeness" pales compared to the lack of class the two of you are showing with these mutually destructive posts.

Try what I suggest tonight.  You have nothing to lose.



GreedyTop -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:31:34 PM)

Belladonna... have you considered changing birth control products/methods? If the depo is throwing your cycle that much outta whack, it may be time to try something else that may be more regulatory.

(and I agree with Red.. his advice is sound..)



xxblushesxx -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:35:19 PM)

Get on Erin...it's a pill. You'll have a period for about a month to start, but after that...nothing...it's pretty cool!



MistressNoName -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:36:12 PM)

Well, my post will perhaps also read as rude to you, OP. You've been given great advice already. I do hope you will try some of it. What I wanted to say is it is neither your fault nor your responsibility how His body functions. You don't control His body...and apparently, when He's asleep, neither does He. In my opinion, you need to spend less time ruminating over who's fault this is and who's to blame in this circumstance and more time on just getting comfortable with each other's quirky bodily functions (we are human, after all) and more adept at communicating with one another and experimenting with different ways to deal with this issue. Only then will you be able to come to some resolution.

Best,

MNN



xxblushesxx -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:38:35 PM)

Yes, and, I'd be more worried about his honesty issues than the other stuff.
(you know what I mean)
Heck, I just think you deserve better.



kallisto -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:44:55 PM)

I agree with RedMagic.   He gave you very good sound advice. 



OmegaG -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:56:41 PM)

Have sex in the shower.

suck his cock when he masturbates, or ignore-- your choice.  But it is his to do with as he pleases.

and remember you are the sub.

I'd read the other thread without the defensiveness, you might come away with a better insight into his side of the story.



subsnow -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 6:57:27 PM)

If you can't get over your insecurity, you could always try what xxblushesxx said. Try changing your birth control. I use the Nuvaring and don't ever have a period. Even if you CAN get through the issues at hand, who wants to be on their period for several months? I think you should talk to your doctor.



Belladonna30 -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:12:04 PM)

Awwww, thank you xxBlushesxx. He has been working on the honestly issue. This whole experience is just wierd to me as i have never been with a person who does this and i guess it throws me as i am one of those people that needs to have an answer for everything. i cant stand something that doesnt have a reason that i know of.

Bottom line is i truly love Him and i am devoted to making Him happy and His life easier. It just makes me feel as if i am lacking and as an overachiever/type-A personality, i cant stand personal failure. When i am on the rag, He avoids me, which i think feeds into His need to release Himself. So i carry the guilt. i am sure most folks think i am a total tard to think/feel this way, but i cant help it.

i have no problem with taking over in the midst of His "episodes" but i am scared of what His reaction might be, sleepwalkers startle violently sometimes and a reference was made that His condition is similar. i dont think i could deal with Him freaking out on me and beating me silly. Hey, i am all for a good beating but not in that respect.*smiles*.

FYI: i cant use the pill, blood clot issues and allergic reactions to most. i am horrible with BC, Depo seems to be the safest and easiest for me to manage.



IrishMist -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:14:48 PM)

As I said in the other ummm...thread....

it's obvious WHO wears the pants in this relationship




kittinSol -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:22:13 PM)

I find it a little bit odd that you and Jack are each talking about one another on different message boards.

Perhaps you should try to talk to each other instead. Intimate issues are best solved behind closed doors. Not that I'm not liking the soap opera, but I'm in a nice mood.



angelikaJ -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:26:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Belladonna30

Bottom line is i truly love Him and i am devoted to making Him happy and His life easier. It just makes me feel as if i am lacking and as an overachiever/type-A personality, i cant stand personal failure. When i am on the rag, He avoids me, which i think feeds into His need to release Himself. So i carry the guilt. i am sure most folks think i am a total tard to think/feel this way, but i cant help it.




The_truth_is_you_CAN_unlearn_thinking/feeling_that_way.

you_have_to_want_to.



CalifChick -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:40:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

I find it a little bit odd that you and Jack are each talking about one another on different message boards.

Perhaps you should try to talk to each other instead. Intimate issues are best solved behind closed doors. Not that I'm not liking the soap opera, but I'm in a nice mood.


I'm quoting that because it bears repeating.  It feels odd.  Perhaps instead of talking to us, and "defending" yourself, read his thread, really HEAR and UNDERSTAND how he feels, and talk to each other.

Cali



angelikaJ -> RE: So i must now defend myself... (3/6/2008 7:59:41 PM)

Something_to_think_about:_most_likely_he_has_been_doing_this_
since_long_before_he_ever_met_you.



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