stella41b
Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I'm a transgendered female, so I feel I can offer a different angle here. The truth is there is no right or wrong way, there's just a risk.
I'm out and open and living as myself - a transgendered female. I'm this way because I'm a 'mosaic', made up of two incomplete DNA patterns, one male, the other female, and the 'shift' from male to female happened in puberty. But then again I'm not sure, and neither are the doctors. Does it really matter? No. Not now. I'm me, Stella, female, take it or leave it.
There would be no connection to the OP I guess, if it wasn't for the fact that probably the worst birth defect any woman could have is to be born with a penis. Many people don't accept this, and as a result, they don't accept me or anyone else who is transgendered. But if you think I'm in a bad situation, try to imagine what a TS or transsexual is going through (who are just as female, the difference is negligible, both of us were perceived as male at birth), or anyone else who doesn't conform to a photoimage perfect stereotype of what is male, what is female.
Coming out was lengthy, painful, done in stages, and there's no way round it, you have to ride an emotional roller-coaster of feelings and emotions. That roller coaster takes you from sudden heartbreak, loss, insecurity from being rejected, it builds up fear, doubts, misgivings, and then you have the elation, immense feelings of relief, of joy, when someone turns round to you and says 'So what?' or 'I knew it all along'.
Quite a few transgendered females and males try to circumvent this by using 'stealth'.. they don't say anything and pass themselves off as either male or female. Not everybody can, and not everybody wants to. My being transgendered is a statement of fact, it's the reality of me, and no amount of hormones, therapy and surgery is ever going to transform me into a typical biological woman. Being female isn't about what clothes you wear or what body parts you have, but it's who you are inside. However there's a lot of people fixated on the idea that gender is clear, there's only two, one has a penis and the other has a vagina.
But I'm part of the pre-Internet generation and though I felt female since my teens and was pretty sure, I didn't have the validation of medical professionals or information from the Internet and I went through a stage of still clinging to the notion that I might be male, and therefore I'm well aware of the situation the OP is in right now. I've been on dates with women and had to broach the subject of my 'gender issues'.
Consider also that those who know me and accept me as Stella also know that I'm into dominant women and am submissive - my family, the people I work with in theatre, my friends, and I've never really discussed it with them.
As regards to my coming out it was done in Poland and it was staged. I lived for some years in Warsaw, I dressed up as a male for public purposes, and so I was a transgendered crossdresser if that makes any sense, but at other times I was as I am now, Stella. I would go shopping and my neighbours would ask me how my husband was. "Who?" I would ask. "The playwright" they would answer. This was a constant source of amusement for myself and my friends. But it goes to indicate just how much people base their perceptions of you on their own assumptions.
I came out publicly in a small town of 40,000 people called Zywiec in the south of Poland. It's important to point out that by this time I was already working as Stella in a private language school giving conversation lessons to school teachers a couple of evenings a week. Then I was of SSBBW proportions and it freaked a lot of people out, but that was part of the fun. I was just being myself, they were freaking themselves out, which is an important thing to consider here. It was very much touch and go, had I have kept my work in theatre and my translation agency, I would probably still be in Zywiec. People in small towns gossip and they don't always understand.
But then again I don't really see this as an issue - neither being a sissy or an adult baby, I actually think it's something very beautiful. I just think it's sad that so many people reject these men for such activities, simply because they cannot handle the concept of an adult male in diapers, as if there's a universal standard for a man to have to live up to just to be perceived as a man.
My advice is to be open about it as early as possible, but don't make any big speeches or declarations.. but instead adopt the 'accepted fact' strategy. Make it a part of you, your life, Leaving photos or items around helps, and being open about it in an indirect way. Be prepared to answer questions openly, honestly, and share your feelings and experiences. It's far better that someone perceives it as something being natural and normal for you and part of your life. It's their choice, not your's.
If they accept it then okay, you're cooking bacon so to speak. If not, then so what? The only thing you're losing is that inner conflict and that's nothing to be ashamed about. Isn't it far better to live your life among people who accept you for who you really are than to hide yourself and lead a double life always worrying about what people might think?
This is why I'm openly a transgendered female. I'd much rather be disliked for who I really am than be popular and admired for who I'm only presenting myself as.
< Message edited by stella41b -- 3/9/2008 2:20:29 PM >
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