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The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 7:41:33 AM   
Cyis75


Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		I guess the sub-title to this would be "Do fools rush in?"... It's just an observation I've seen during my searching and thought it'd make a good point for discussion. I see the profiles that change so regularly because of their 'status' changing. I know I'm not the only one that's noticed. You see the profile today and they've found their one and only, but you check back tomorrow or even later that day and they're once again looking. Give them another day or again later that same day, and you'll see they've quickly moved from looking to being considered to have found their one.

I guess maybe since I'm a married guy, and the search is to find someone to be involved with us as a couple, I have a lot of time to look as we're not rushing into anything. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt factory and burned it down. I just find it a source of a chuckle every time I see a profile again and it go so quickly through these stages. Do we as a community tend to just rush head-long into things that often or is it just the rarity? That's an interesting thought to ponder as I've seen the similar behavior in local communities as well so I don't think it's online only and I don't think it's everyone. I know I would consider me and mine to definitely not fall into that as we aren't rushing into anything too quickly. Yes we may have found someone that fits wonderfully with who we are but it's still way too early to cast the ballot so only time will tell.

Any thoughts?
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 7:46:28 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		I think we all have the capability to rush into things, all the more so if you are looking for a long time, i know that I have been virtually looking for whatever for over a year and I have asked myself if i am rushing into things, I probably am to be honest but at the same time I am well aware of the negative outcomes that are possible. I know that this is the only time i have changed my profile to say that I am with someone because before it never seemed like it would be very long even if my emotions were trying to tell me something differant.

I have known people who are owned by a new person each week, and that is their perogative I dont get involved with any of that and it wouldnt be right for me.


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 7:57:07 AM   
Bloodrose88


Posts: 42
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		I think we all make mistakes (well, at least most of us), at least once.  I know I did, when I very first started out, allowing myself to get taken in by an online Domme for about a week.
Then, I got a wee bit smarter, and moved on.  Since then, I have tried to get to know people, actually know them, before I ever get involved with them.  I am not really looking for something lifelong or even long-term, so maybe I don't have to be quite as selective.

But yes, I have seen those profiles by the thousands.  Hell, I've even seen profiles with people claiming to own me, that I have never met!

(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:10:02 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I think because I'm involved and am in no hurry for what I'm looking for, it helps.  I think in some ways my situation is similar to yours.

I don't think its this community, but I do think that online lends itself to the rushing.  I believe, at least for me, you can achieve a very false sense of intimacy online which makes one believe that you can bypass all the normal getting to know you stuff -- the face to face stuff.  In the end, I think people find out that they can not bypass that stuff, or that the online is not a replacement for it.

Because of that sense of intimacy, I think people just think they can build a life right away and it doesn't always work.  It depends on a million different factors.

I remember oh so many many years ago when AOL first started (you paid by the minute then) and folks were declaring their undying love for one another (add to that I'm talking about lesbians -- the uhaul crowd) and they hadn't met.  I remember thinking that was the craziest thing I'd ever heard.  While I've moderated my position slightly, I'm finally using online as a method to find what I am looking for, my basic stand hasn't changed.  Its not a bad place to meet someone, but its not a good place to build a solid long lasting relationship, or at the very least, it is no substitute for face to face.

That's my rambling, long drawn out thought -- I do think if one is single, there is sometimes a bit of urgency in terms of finding a partner. 

(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:13:35 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Cyis75

I guess the sub-title to this would be "Do fools rush in?"... It's just an observation I've seen during my searching and thought it'd make a good point for discussion. I see the profiles that change so regularly because of their 'status' changing. I know I'm not the only one that's noticed. You see the profile today and they've found their one and only, but you check back tomorrow or even later that day and they're once again looking. Give them another day or again later that same day, and you'll see they've quickly moved from looking to being considered to have found their one.

I guess maybe since I'm a married guy, and the search is to find someone to be involved with us as a couple, I have a lot of time to look as we're not rushing into anything. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt factory and burned it down. I just find it a source of a chuckle every time I see a profile again and it go so quickly through these stages. Do we as a community tend to just rush head-long into things that often or is it just the rarity? That's an interesting thought to ponder as I've seen the similar behavior in local communities as well so I don't think it's online only and I don't think it's everyone. I know I would consider me and mine to definitely not fall into that as we aren't rushing into anything too quickly. Yes we may have found someone that fits wonderfully with who we are but it's still way too early to cast the ballot so only time will tell.

Any thoughts?


I do think that there are some people that have been looking or are SO ANXIOUS to find IT that they do rush in. I met a sub recently that told me about 2 or 3 times going out with a Domme he met, and she was already acting like she owned him, and he was unsure of how to politely back out, possibly keeping the friendship, but he wanted to still play and meet with others - not looking for the ONE right now, just because of work and other life circumstances.

That said, I have not been one to rush into things, but have found myself in a relationship that is moving very quickly. I not only was NOT looking, but right off the bat, tried to make sure he knew I didn't want that.  I am 39 - I have had experience with good and bad relationships, was with my ex-husband for 15+years, and had relationships since. I never have experienced something that just felt so right. At what point is it rushing in vs. just knowing you have found that person that just "fits". I understand if it is a pattern - as you say, the constant revolving door, but it is those people (when neither of us had that pattern) that had made me reluctant to just give in to what we were both feeling was right. I finally have said - I could give a shit what anyone else's opinion of US is, but feel it is important that anyone who may want to contact me understand I am not looking for a love - I now have it.


_____________________________

Mistress Sandy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd rather be hated for something I am than loved for something I am not.


(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:20:25 AM   
Cyis75


Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

I have known people who are owned by a new person each week, and that is their perogative I dont get involved with any of that and it wouldnt be right for me.



Yeah those are commonly referred to as "velcro collars" among most of the people I know. I just find it hard to get into that when there needs to be a considerable amount of trust in order to do wiitwd in the first place.

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:29:59 AM   
Cyis75


Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Yes, I think you're right that already being involved does change your outlook. You're not in so much of a hurry and can take your time. Also helps that finding people that actually want to be involved with someone that's already involved is hard to come by too.

I agree about the level of intimacy that you can feel from just online. I've sensed myself feeling it before as well, but it doesn't always translate the same once you've met in person. I've also heard the horror stories of first meetings going well and then going terribly wrong the next. Another reason why the protective side of me worries when I see it going on. What we do is risky enough that using common sense and taking time just seems so obvious but not always heeded.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:31:31 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		there is a lot of truth to that. that is when we evade right and wrong  thus drama and crap and all the other things happen that pull people into a prozac moment.  why not stand up and do the positive correct things.  life is full of debts and credits people are one or the other to you

(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 8:59:49 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Beats me.  I get that people want it now.  I get that they can easily convince themselves that this is the one.  What I don't get is why people proclaim it so soon.  Heck, it took me 5/6 months of morning sickness before I ever told people I was pregnant.  I think I wanted to be sure it would stick.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 9:07:47 AM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		Personally, if I saw person's profile that changed their status from being available to being considered or collared every other day, I would quit looking at that profile. I wonder why people keep looking at profiles that state that the person is no longer looking and collared. I would ask the OP if they are waiting for certain submissives to be "back on the market", so he keeps checking back and looking to see.

I have noticed certain dominants perving my profile for months and months... some cases since I joined this site, and it is as if they were waiting for me to become available again to shoot me an email. In fact last summer my status did change for a period of time until we worked out our situation.... and I got several emails from different dominants that seemed to be staking out my profile just waiting for me to become unattached. I find that creepy to be honest.


~Sinergy's strumpet~

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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 9:10:19 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		You can have it now.
 
You can have it right.
 
You can have it cheap.
 
Pick TWO.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 9:10:39 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		it's just the way some people are, they jump first and then look.  I know far more people who do this in the vanilla world then those who do it here.  A close friend of mine fell in love with 7 different guys in a 12 month period.  Hell, I've known some people on matchmaking sites who got married the first time they met, others who met in line at McDonalds and were married 6 weeks later.  It took a quarter of the time to get married as it takes me to decide if I love someone. 

Some people just need to be needed.

_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 9:32:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's a sub culture/growth period deal.  Whenever someone reaches a point of big change in their life, of big realization and feeling connected to some special, they throw themselves into it.  It's common in the coming out process of homosexuals, it's common for people getting into SCA, it's common for people just getting into a new religion, it's common for teens when they first start having sex.  Eventually you hope they calm down and stabilize into their new self, incorporating all the good lessons and understanding of life into their new reality.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to OmegaG)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 10:00:58 AM   
Firegoddez


Posts: 9
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		Unfortunately I have noticed a lot of my friends who meet guys online are like this. One minute they are getting married and the next they are alone and so depressed. In this particular lifestyle I learned the hard way that getting to know someone was way more important before submitting to them. There is a revolving door here but hopefully others will learn that's it's better to spend a few weeks getting to know someone before submitting to them. It's safer.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 10:21:01 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline 		I got a couple of emailed comments on my profile, when it changed from "not looking for anyone" to "owned" to "we parted ways" within a month. In reality, we were together several months, I just didn't feel the need to proclaim it until we worked out some issues about playing with other people.  So for some revolving doors, it may really be a case of delay.

Cali




_____________________________

AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to Firegoddez)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 10:22:10 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		People rush into relationships quickly in all facets of life, not just the world of D/s, and I think it's because of a need to "belong" and to not be alone.  People can also be impatient, or so eager to find happiness, that they jump from partner to partner to find what they are looking for. 

I have a non-D/s friend like this, who, in her late 40s, has never married yet has always wanted to be.  Her goal to be married has interfered with her ability to find happiness while single. Every date is looked at as a prospective husband, and she doesn't understand why she rarely gets a 2nd date.

It is a shame, because I don't think she'll ever find the happiness she seeks without being willing to look internally for it.  I hold out hope that she will some day.

But hey, I've taken some failed and unwise paths in my life...and others take theirs.  We all have our struggles, don't we?  But I agree, rushing quickly into relationships has higher odds of realizing failure than success.  But there are always exceptions.  :)

(in reply to Cyis75)
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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 11:54:22 AM   
Volcano


Posts: 22
Joined: 7/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet

Personally, if I saw person's profile that changed their status from being available to being considered or collared every other day, I would quit looking at that profile. I wonder why people keep looking at profiles that state that the person is no longer looking and collared. I would ask the OP if they are waiting for certain submissives to be "back on the market", so he keeps checking back and looking to see.


Changes in relationship status tend to be highlighted at the top of the text portion of the profile, or in the latest journal entry.  If that person is active on the site, and happens to fall within your basic search parameters, you don't have to be actively looking at the profile to notice any changes, they are going to be in front of your eyes at some point on any given day. 


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RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 12:01:16 PM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Volcano

quote:

ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet

Personally, if I saw person's profile that changed their status from being available to being considered or collared every other day, I would quit looking at that profile. I wonder why people keep looking at profiles that state that the person is no longer looking and collared. I would ask the OP if they are waiting for certain submissives to be "back on the market", so he keeps checking back and looking to see.


Changes in relationship status tend to be highlighted at the top of the text portion of the profile, or in the latest journal entry.  If that person is active on the site, and happens to fall within your basic search parameters, you don't have to be actively looking at the profile to notice any changes, they are going to be in front of your eyes at some point on any given day. 




I was aware that if a person logs in that they come up in your search on top, and that only people meeting your search criteria will come up. If they do not match your search criteria (meaning they are no longer seeking anything but friends) they will not come up in your general search parameters, so the question remains why would one know that a certain profile keeps changing unless they keep looking at that particular profile when it is "inactive". I change my journal all the time, and log in all the time, I have never noticed that one can see if a particular person's profile has changed just by a common search in which numerous names come up without actually clicking on that profile.

~Sinergy's strumpet~

(in reply to Volcano)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 12:09:44 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		As a whole, we've become very much an instant gratification society.  We want something to eat, fast food is everywhere.  We want information, it's at our fingertips.  We want a relationship....... You get the idea.

The BDSM community is no different than our vanilla counterparts in this.  The mentality is not so far from other people on the planet who are used to getting whatever it is they want, when they want.  If you doubt it, check out any other similar net site.  The idea that relationships take time to build, when so many other things are readily available, isn't popular.  It's a rather old fashioned idea, just like saving money for something you want, as opposed to buying it on credit.

As to the velcro collar notion, yes, the expression is quite familiar.  I happen to be of the mind that a situation shouldn't be based on how quickly a match is made.  It's more about how quickly it falls apart.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Volcano)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The Revolving door - 3/7/2008 12:21:34 PM   
Owner4SexSlave


Posts: 1311
Joined: 4/4/2007
Status: offline 		I have seen this happen time and time again on profiles here.   Where on week they are collared and next week they are not.

Makes me wonder how many people (Doms and subs alike) actually know the meaning of collaring.

It takes time to get to know somebody, build trust and know that they are what they paint themselves out to be. 

Many times people tend to be on their best behavior when they are first getting to know each other.   It might take a few weeks or month for them to open up and show the not so nice sides.

Worse yet, there are people with hidden agendas.  Married people trying to pick up somebody on the side or whatnot.  Basically they try to hide their agenda and sweep somebody off their feet first. 

Rushing into any relationship, even more so with a BDSM relationship can be a big mistake.

If somebody changes Doms/Masters on their profile like underwear, other people start to question how stable they really.

I think many of the Doms online are just as guilty as the submissives.   After all, most of the time they are the ones pushing for everything to be in a rush.

Personally, I want to know what I'm getting myself into instead of blindly rushing into something that is one big mistake.  Time and time again, people that are not really a good match for each other pair up, then become disillusioned in the end.   It takes a lot more then physical/sexual attraction alone to make things work.    Just because somebody looks hot as hell, does not mean they actually are as a whole person.    




(in reply to Cyis75)
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