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Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 8:55:22 AM   
AndisDaddy


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		My wife/sub and I recently acquired a collar for her, yet she claims it's uncomfortable (it's worn loose), has misplaced it, and forgets to wear it when she knows I'd prefer her to. I have tried both positive and negative re-enforcement, and we have settled her issues with wearing it in view of the vanilla public, yet my expectations are not being met, even having reasonably lowered them. I was wondering what the lifestyle community at large considers "proper" collar ettiquete, what a Dom/Daddydom should expect, and how the submissive would better learn to please in that regard. She has no problem wearing it to lifestyle functions, and no other problems with my control.

< Message edited by AndisDaddy -- 3/7/2008 8:57:40 AM >
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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 8:57:41 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Oh god, this reminds me of last weekend Sirs girl took hers off after an argument and OH MY GOSH it was like world war three over there, Personally I have only got a temp collar at the moment but I wouldnt take it off unless i was told to, i think thats really disrespectful but then i guess it depends on what the collar means to you both.


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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:00:23 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		Perhaps you ca have a "vanilla life" collar...just a necklace for going in public.....and a "private" collar when you 2 are together.
I am not sure why she is uncomfy wearing...I guess you agreed on collaring her? If so..and she disobeys.......punish er.




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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:00:28 AM   
ThunderRoad


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		Ask her if she'd take off a wedding ring.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:00:55 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AndisDaddy

My wife/sub and I recently acquired a collar for her, yet she claims it's uncomfortable (it's worn loose), has misplaced it, and forgets to wear it when she knows I'd prefer her to. I have tried both positive and negative re-enforcement, and we have settled her issues with wearing it in view of the vanilla public, yet my expectations are not being met, even having reasonably lowered them. I was wondering what the lifestyle community at large considers "proper" collar ettiquete, what a Dom/Daddydom should expect, and how the submissive would better learn to please in that regard.


I think proper collar etiquette is going to vary widely, and apart from a very few standard things, I doubt there is a lot of generally accepted stuff.

That said, for me -- first its my collar and I wouldn't allow anyone to help me pick it out.  I would never extend it without both of us having a mutual understanding of what it means, the expectations that go along with it, and when/how it will be worn.  For someone to get my collar, they know they need to adhere to that.  Personally, I would not extend one unless I knew someone well enough to know what they might be comfortable with.  That said, again, its my collar and I get to decide what it looks like and how and when it worn.  I can't do it without some thought to who potentially will wear it, but I still maintain the dominant stance on this.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:04:08 AM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AndisDaddy

I was wondering what the lifestyle community at large considers "proper" collar ettiquete,

"proper" ettiquette is what you set it within your relationship. 

in mine with Daddy, my metal collar (or the 2 others i have from Him) is worn 24/7/365 which includes while sleeping too with the exception if i'm visiting and/or in company of family/relatives. when i accepted it, i was committing myself to Him til such time either one of us parts - almost liken to a wedding band.


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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:08:17 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		   My collar which is a necklace I got from Daddy for my birthday last year it is by Island Cowgirl it is similar to the Tiffany chain heart necklace on the back of the heart "It says Obey Thy Own Heart" and Daddy is my heart I love it and I never take it off unless I am dyeing my hair but that is the only reason and then I put it back on. I have gotten so many compliments for it because it is so unique and rare. I am so lucky to have it. I will try to find a link for it if I can.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:08:51 AM   
AtlantaMistress


Posts: 276
Joined: 6/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AndisDaddy

My wife/sub and I recently acquired a collar for her, yet she claims it's uncomfortable (it's worn loose), has misplaced it, and forgets to wear it when she knows I'd prefer her to. I have tried both positive and negative re-enforcement, and we have settled her issues with wearing it in view of the vanilla public, yet my expectations are not being met, even having reasonably lowered them. I was wondering what the lifestyle community at large considers "proper" collar ettiquete, what a Dom/Daddydom should expect, and how the submissive would better learn to please in that regard. She has no problem wearing it to lifestyle functions, and no other problems with my control.


It sounds like you have NOT resolved her issues. IMO, you should talk to her - and ask her how she feels about it and why, and explain to her how you feel when she doesn't wear it as told. Maybe you are missing something, and would be willing to compromise. Bottom line though, it is your decision. My boy will always give me his opinion when asked, or tell me if he is uncomfortable/unhappy with something (I'm pretty perceptive, but not a mind reader). Communication is so important, and also he must trust that I will always make decisions that will be for the good of the relationship. I have the final say - as should you. Once you have laid down the way it will be, taking whatever she has said into consideration, she must respect that. If she does not do as told, she must be punished, and in such a way that it would be a deterant to repeating whatever actions initiate the punishment.

<edited for spelling>


< Message edited by AtlantaMistress -- 3/7/2008 9:10:26 AM >

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:11:04 AM   
ThunderRoad


Posts: 231
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		We have this problem sometimes too.  My girl is very "fashion conscious" (sometimes bordering on being a superficial bitch), yet we have a rule that she must wear a choker necklace when we are out together.  Sometimes she'll whine and bitch that none of her chokers "match" (and she has several of different styles) which can lead to some interesting squabbles.  Amazingly, nobody ever says anything or gives her neckwear two looks, or they comment they really like it!

We are currently looking for some kind of a choker that she can wear at all times as a permanent vanilla collar and we do have some very different tastes.  My only three requirements have been 1)  it must be worn "high and tight", ie a choker and 2) it must be identifiable to those in the lifestyle for what it is, most likely via a small padlock clasp or screw-down clasp and 3) it must be thick enough to be seen from a few feet away - no hairstrand-thick silver chain or something.

I'm willing to bend on style if those other three requirements are met for a vanilla collar.  She can have multiples in different colors for different occasions as well for all I care.  But those three things make up what I consider to be a "collar" as opposed to just a necklace.

At lifestyle events and meetings all bets are off, though.

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:14:16 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I like that you have really clear and specific thoughts on what the collar is to be.  Very nice

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:15:15 AM   
Kirren


Posts: 580
Joined: 9/5/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe it was just too much too fast? Psychologically speaking if she isnt ready she may be fighting it physically.

I agree that talking to her to see where she stands could be helpful.

Maybe agree on a style that would be more comfortable...and work into something heavier.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:16:05 AM   
SugarMyChurro


Posts: 1912
Joined: 4/26/2007
Status: offline 		The collar my slave wears is made of Swarovski crystals and other findings. It also has a matching bracelet and hooked earrings. It's so fucking gorgeous she wears it as often as possible.

The object needs to be versatile, in my opinion.

(in reply to sambamanslilgirl)
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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:17:47 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SugarMyChurro


The object needs to be versatile, in my opinion.


Agree, my previous girl had something that could be worn everywhere.
We bought several collars in time....till we found the perfect one..
(the others were kept as memories)


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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:22:35 AM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

We have this problem sometimes too. My girl is very "fashion conscious" (sometimes bordering on being a superficial bitch), yet we have a rule that she must wear a choker necklace when we are out together. Sometimes she'll whine and bitch that none of her chokers "match" (and she has several of different styles) which can lead to some interesting squabbles. Amazingly, nobody ever says anything or gives her neckwear two looks, or they comment they really like it!


ok, i won't sugar coat anything...it sounds like she is whiney and doesn't want to be collared, so be a Dominant and stop catering to her whims...unless you only have the title as a superficial thing...and in that case, ya'll are suited for eachother...


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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:25:34 AM   
AndisDaddy


Posts: 3
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline 		I like the idea of a bunch of dif collars for different circumstances, it's what it stands for, no matter the style, that has the most meaning to me. That, and the fact that one IS worn :).

< Message edited by AndisDaddy -- 3/7/2008 9:26:22 AM >

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:27:14 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		There isn't anything in general- it's only about what works for you guys.  Sounds like you guys have talked but not really communicated or gotten to the source of the issue.  Keep working.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:29:43 AM   
RedHotAndSoSexy


Posts: 67
Joined: 3/4/2008
Status: offline 		I think there is too much emphasis placed on the physical manifestation of a collar.

If you are truly collared, you should have no reason to have to "prove" it to others.  I have been collared and never felt pressured to wear anything. We just knew it.

If a collar is uncomfortable in daily wear or yes, if it does not match (why is being fashionable considered superficial?) why push it? During private time, I get it, it does not have to be comfortable, but walking around all day, working in a high profile job, around family or friends, what is the big deal, really.

It amazes me the lengths that people will go to be upset about trivial matters.

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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:31:40 AM   
nephandi


Posts: 4470
Joined: 9/23/2005
From: Cold and magickal Norway in a town near Bergen!
Status: offline 		Hi

i am a jewelry slut. my Master know this and puts up whit it, as such the collar often is replaced by other types of neck jewelry, others i know of wear it all the time. What can be expected vary from relationship to relationship and what the pepole involved preferences are. The BDSM community is not a uniformed this is a codes all follow kind of society. If you and your sub have a problem round collars you should sit down and talk it out, simple as that.

That being said, i have several collars, and most are uncomfortable and not fit for everyday wear. They may restrict neck movement and is a accessory but something not good for wearing day out and day in, if you want that, working whit your sub to find one that is both durable and comfortable might be an idea.

i wish you well


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RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:31:50 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		A collar is VERY important to me.  My slave wears an eternity collar, which locks on with an allen wrench.  I always have a key with me, but to remove it she'd have to go to a hardware store and buy something.  It would clearly be an intentional act on her part.  Part of why I liked the eternity collar was that it's a subtle type of collar, very durable, attractive (in our opinion) and in the almost six months together she's never had a problem with comfort.

If it's the collar itself she's objecting to (maybe it's too fetishy for her?) you could look for something together that she really likes.  Not likes because you like it, but that she genuinely would enjoy wearing.  If she's aware of your feelings on the matter, and it's something she also likes, it's likely this would stop being an issue. 

Good luck,

Stephan


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Collar Ideals? - 3/7/2008 9:32:21 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		And some people like the physical manifestation of a collar and what it represents to them.

Gosh all those silly superficial married people wearing wedding rings, its so not a big deal (im sure it is to them though dontya think?)

_____________________________

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There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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