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RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 7:18:49 AM

elfie

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/9/2005
Status: offline

damn !

first things first breath!! that will help easy your anxiety.

after you have had a few deep breathes, you need to ask him respectfully for a sit down meeting. before the meeting you need to list off what you need from him and ask him to list what he needs from you.

i dont mean to sound bitchy but this should have been done ages ago!!!

calmly tell him what is going on in your head and whats going on with you. it is not healthy to let these things build up. it does no one any good either. i am not spouting off at the mouth here i know this stuff because i lived it for a very long time.

after you talk to him my suggestion is, you go out and find new ways to cope and deal because keeping shit in doesnt work.

(in reply to SoCalSub1)

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Post #: 41

RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 2:31:09 PM

alabamabelle74

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FLButtSlut

Male, female, M/s or vanilla. Do you think going to a vanilla lifestyle is going to turn this into a happy, fufilling relationship?

You have two choices here. You can leave and find someone who WILL give you a happy satisfying relationship, whether it is M/s or vanilla, or you can stay and continue deluding yourself that the feelings you have for this person are returned.

If you choose to stay, I wouldn't recommend complaining about the problems in your relationship because you will have chosen to accept them.

that was way harsh doncha think? im just beginning too look into these forums the guy im dating is into the scene. he is dom but hes very respectful always asking me whats on my mind, how i feel, everything ok? etc...and i dont feel i have to hide anything from him i tell him all. everyone should keep lines of communiation open. he is always open to give his honest opinion about something too. i might not like the answer but there you have it.

there is my .05 worth...i dont like pennies.

< Message edited by alabamabelle74 -- 9/30/2005 2:32:13 PM >

(in reply to FLButtSlut)

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Post #: 42

RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 7:09:22 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: alabamabelle74

quote:

ORIGINAL: FLButtSlut

Male, female, M/s or vanilla. Do you think going to a vanilla lifestyle is going to turn this into a happy, fufilling relationship?

You have two choices here. You can leave and find someone who WILL give you a happy satisfying relationship, whether it is M/s or vanilla, or you can stay and continue deluding yourself that the feelings you have for this person are returned.

If you choose to stay, I wouldn't recommend complaining about the problems in your relationship because you will have chosen to accept them.

that was way harsh doncha think? im just beginning too look into these forums the guy im dating is into the scene. he is dom but hes very respectful always asking me whats on my mind, how i feel, everything ok? etc...and i dont feel i have to hide anything from him i tell him all. everyone should keep lines of communiation open. he is always open to give his honest opinion about something too. i might not like the answer but there you have it.

there is my .05 worth...i dont like pennies.

I have to say that I pretty much agree with the Butt Slut. This guy has gone from no communication, to trying to punish her for wanting communication by taking away the BDSM D/s part of their relationship, to flopping back to BDSM D/s and agreeing to her demands without real negotiations or expectations laid out. This is not a similar situation to what you posted.

I get the impression that he is relationship handicapped and the issues will only continue. The threat to end a relationship rather than talk about it, seems like a pretty big red flag to me. She needs to look beyond the fact that she won this point to the reason WHY this point happened at all. And then she has to ask herself can she continue going through episodes like this. If the answer is yes, then she has no one else to blame but herself. The first time you're a victim, after that you're a volunteer.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to alabamabelle74)

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Post #: 43

RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 10:44:02 PM

Synocense

Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

I am wondering if this relationship would have a better chance if it was
"flip-flopped" Hm.

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to OsideGirl)

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Post #: 44

RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 11:22:30 PM

MistressKay

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCalSub1
"...i have always been the kind of person who lets things build up inside me. i tend to let things go unresolved within me. If things do not get better for me it can hit me like a rock and i will become depressed, extremely angry and a feeling of worthlessness. i have been collared now for about 6 months and has done everything told to please my Master..."

You say you have done "everything told to please" does this include telling him that you require more feedback in order to continue growing as his submissive?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCalSub1
i feel the most important part of this lifestyle is communication. As a submissive i feel i am entitled to that. i would like to be sat down and told what areas i am doing well in and what areas need improvement. i would like to be able to discuss my fears as well as my joys in this lifestyle. i also want to know that i have goals to reach and that i am headed into the right direction. i need my Master to be there for me. To guide me and care for me physically and mentally.

Does your Master know this? It is much too easy to assume that the Dominant is all knowing - but we are just human after all. If you have communication issues the first step to fixing them is to communicate yourself. You need to express your concerns and your needs... to fail to do so is to fail your Master. Power is knowledge and if you deny him this knowledge about you - you deny him the power to dominate you. Do not think of it as topping from the bottom - because the sharing of knowledge is never topping. What he does with that knowledge is up to him alone however. Your relationship is doomed to fail if you don't share honestly and completely.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCalSub1
Since being collared there hasn't been one sit down discussion. i have wondered as to why this past 6 months but i just continued doing as i was told. So needless to say this feeling of having an important area of the relationship missing has built up inside me. i cracked. And i cracked hard. i have now become very angy, sad to the point that i cry daily, depressed, and feel like nothing but a dissapointment to my Master.

By denying your Master this knowledge about you - you have failed him. Time to apologize and set things straight. Put all your cards on the table and give him a chance to know the real you - not just the puppet version who obeys mindlessly without sharing her deepest thoughts and concerns.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SoCalSub1
i am sorry to all, but i need to talk to someone as i have no one to talk to.

But you DO have someone to talk to and should have talked to as soon as this became an issue. Your Master collared you because he truly felt something special for you - yet you deny him the knowledge that could empower him to gain more control and insight into your submission.

I am not coming down on you - so please don't take this as a personal attack. I just want you to realize that communication starts with you... don't deny that wonderful Master you gave your submission to. Time to clear the air and put things back into a healthy balanced relationship.

I do wish you all the best and hope you take this advice in the heart in which it was given... to put you back on the right track towards healing.

Lady Kay
Ottawa, ON Canada

(in reply to SoCalSub1)

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Post #: 45

RE: Depression has hit - 9/30/2005 11:52:06 PM

MistressKay

Posts: 51
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

quote:

i was told that he will not go through this everyday with me and that if i continue he will just end up taking my collar off. This is what i got just for telling him how i feel. i am so sad. Please all forgive me for my saddness on the boards, but i dont know where else to turn.

Wow, it sounds like things took a turn for the worse. Obviously your Master is feeling overwhelmed by your needs and the rollercoaster of feelings he is getting from you.

Being a Dominant can be a draining job somedays especially if our partner is feeling "needy" - in fact a submissive can sufficate us if they are not sensitive to our needs as well. This doesn't mean your relationship will end, but it isn't looking good unless you can find a way to bring a bit more balance to this relationship.

The problem as I see it - is the more he leaves you without communicating the more stressed, angry, depressed you become - which only creates more stress which makes him pull further away from you thus you become even more stressed, angry, depressed... it is a vicious cycle. The only way to break the cycle is to master your OWN feelings. When you are not 100% dependant on him to fulfill every emotional need you will be able to communicate with him more effectively.

You can't control how you feel - but you can certainly control how you choose to respond to your feelings. Think this through logically - not with your heart, but with your head. What do you really want? What have you already tried? Did those methods fix the problem? How can you change your approach so that he feels less "forced" into something he isn't ready to discuss?

They say the definition of insanity is doing exactly the same thing each day expecting different results. Change what you are doing - wash your face, calm down, and work through this without emotion. Then find a way to say what you need to say without using the word "you" ... don't attack him, don't corner him when he is tired... watch his body language and when he is in a better headspace talk to him calmly and objectively without being "needy" or showing desperation.

Let me share with you one last thing about men in general - they may have many depths and levels but they are simplistic in their communication style - if he says he is cold he is cold - if he says he is hungry he is hungry. If he says he is not in the mood to talk - trust me - he isn't in the mood to talk! Remember - All men still have a boy withing them that needs to have some "fun" in their lives - when their partner becomes a burden and there is no longer laughter or fun often they will pull away. To bring him back - you have to bring your fun side back out again. Wash away the tears and make today a fun and enjoyable day for yourself - your happiness is contageous and he will want to be around you.

I am not saying you have to fake it - but you do have to put your best foot forward. When he is happy he is much more open to suggestions and discussions. When you are blue he feels nothing but stress and frustration.

I don't know if my post is giving you more insight or not - but my heart does go out to you AND your Master and I wish you both all the passion and laughter you can handle.

Lady Kay
Ottawa ON Canada

(in reply to SoCalSub1)

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Post #: 46

RE: Depression has hit - 10/2/2005 4:07:11 PM

FLButtSlut

Posts: 344
Joined: 3/17/2005
Status: offline

Was it harsh? Definately. Having been around the block a few times and also having been asked for help r/t by people in their relationships, you learn a lot. Sometimes things are not nearly as complicated as they seem. You know what you want, you have done everything within your power (ok, apparently blackmail was not considered as an option before) to achieve that happiness and everything falls on deaf ears.

It is like the woman who is having an affair for many years with a married man. She loves him, he claims to love her. She wants a committed relationship, he won't give it. She comes to you all the time complaining of how difficult her life is. He isn't around on hollidays, his wife and family come first, blah blah blah. Initially you are sympathetic. Eventually, you see that she is choosing to not fix the problem. If it can be fixed, fix it. If it can't, then evaluate what you want and need and take control of the situation.

Obviously, your situation is quite different, because he IS listening and has always done that. The problem sometimes is that it seems that a person will think that since they are a sub/slave, they are powerless to remedy their problem. Just ain't the way it is. Ultimately, we all control our own destiny.

(in reply to alabamabelle74)

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Post #: 47

RE: Depression has hit - 10/3/2005 10:29:53 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

i told Master that i would like to have sit down discussions about the lifestyle. We have never done this. This is why things have built up inside me.

this slave would have never become Master's slave if we didn't have sit down discussions about the lifestyle at length on several occasions. if He could not bring himself to discuss His needs and desires to this slave's face she wouldn't be His slave. it has to be one of the most important things we did as a foundation for our relationship. we also wrote it down, typed it up and framed it and this slave reads it every day. so far, for 2 years this has worked for us. that wasn't the end of it, though, we talk, face to face, each and every day about everything-the trivial to the vital and everything in between. for this slave, it is important that she remain respectful IRREGARDLESS of the topic at hand. the initial and continual communication is essential to our success.

quote:

So He gave in. i am now a happy slave and He calls me a Boobie Blackmailer. LMFAO!

sounds like you figured out a way to make it work for you so that you are happy. good luck to you.

(in reply to SoCalSub1)

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Post #: 48

RE: Depression has hit - 10/3/2005 4:01:27 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

I have said this before and I'll keep on saying it:

Deciding you are "a submissive" doesn't mean you must be "a doormat".

And just because someone gives him or herself the title of "Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress or Sir SomethingMysticalOrMythological" doesn't mean they know what being a good one is all about.

Education is what it's all about. Learn who you are and what you want, and who they are and what they want BEFORE the collar goes on!

(in reply to mnottertail)

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Post #: 49

RE: Depression has hit - 10/4/2005 10:17:29 AM

SoCalSub1

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/24/2005
Status: offline

Alot has changed since i had posted this thread. Master and i have now begun to have sit down conversations. Things are definitely much much better. We are not perfect. We all make mistakes and to me if you learn from your mistakes, thats what counts. We are only human. To say that my Master is weak or that i should leave him is way harsh. Especially when you are new to the lifestyle. i am sure that everyone knows that being new to this lifestyle comes with a fair share of mistakes. i have two quotes that i live by and love both of them.

"The second time you get kicked in the head by a mule is not a learning experience"

and

"Sometimes, to rise higher, you need to fall"

i know that many people go by what they read in an O.P. but i have seen very few that actually take that step back and think before they begin to bash others for a comment or mistake they have made. Yes people are entitled to their opnions, but i feel that sometimes peoples opninions are flat out rude and shouldn't have even been said to begin with. This is my opinion of course.

Sometimes people are just seeking direction. Sometimes people just have no other person to turn to and these boards are an outlet for them. i find it sad when people pour their hearts out on these boards and others are so quick to attack. Of course not everyone is doing this. i am sure some would say that if you do not want to hear these comments, do not post a thread to begin with. True, but i feel one should be able to speak freely and ask for help without others throwing in their battered 2 cents.

(in reply to windchymes)

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