SteelofUtah
Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
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**VERY LONG POST**
quote:
ORIGINAL: Maya2001
Now you admitted you have hurt others as highlighted in blue, which likely means you lied and decieved someone inorder to obtain sex from them and I am sure at the time the other person was not able to prove otherwise that you were decieving them, they offered you their trust until they finally were able to prove that you were insincere and that caused them pain, my question is how much responsibility did you take for those actions at the time? does stating it now absolved you of your actions , should the person who suffered because of your deception deserve to hold the brunt of the responsibility and therefore should shoulder it as their fault because is happened to them?
No, you have assumed too much here. I didn't lie to get sex, at least I cannot HONESTLY remember ever lying to get sex. I used sex as a leverage tool, meaning that I used sex to gloss over any real communication problems or commitment issues . That basically the Idea here is that If we had a great sex life then we didn't really need to deal with the communication elephant in the living room. I rarely got to know the people I was having sex with in my early 20's it was always about the enjoyment of sex. No I didn't decieve them I simply thought that sex was a good all aroud relationship Lubricant.
Now to the BRUNT of your question. Have I hurt people? Yes. Is it wrong that I did this? YES! However are they free of ANY responsibility because I was careless with my actions? See this is where my Philosophy comes into play. If I am always BLAMING myself first I have ONLY MYSELF to look toward to FIXING the Problem. I am not saying that I should not deal with my part here I have my own crosses to bear, What I am saying is if you are always looking to blame someone else you never really deal with the only thing you have any ability to affect. YOURSELF!
Look I am a recovering Drug Addict, Have been for nearly 4 years now. I can blame the friend who gave me my first bump of Crystal Meth for my 10 year Meth Addiction, or I can blame my Parents for not seeing the signs and not getting me help. I can Blame the girlfriends that convinced me that drugs were what we needed and so I became a Dealer. I can Blame ALL these people but in the end...
I was the one PUTTING the DRUGS Into ME. and I have ONLY Myself to Blame. I Chose to do what I did and I allowed the situation to control me and convinces myself that I was "Okay" when in reality I was slowly killing meself.
**ATTENTION** What I am about to say is going to Piss of LOTS of people.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Maya2001
If I had used your philosophy that everything that happens to me is my fault, then I would have never been able to have moved on from my life as a victim of abuse as I would have had to accept that all the actions that occur where my fault and that I deserved, which is not the case, my responsibility only lied in my actions that allowed me to get involve with this person, the beatings, the death threats made to me and our son were his actions I did not deserve. encourage nor was I responsible for those actions. I can only take responsibilities of actions that I have control over, once I was able to accept that was I able to recover and move forward with my life.
Okay I want to clear up something before I speak here. Violence and Abuse are WRONG! anyone in an abusive relationship is being wronged, and Needs to do whatever it takes to get away from the situation they are in.
That being said. The part that I put in Bold and Underlined is what I want to discuss.
I believe that it is your Fault that you got into that relationship. Because Yes you choose to be with this man. Everyone shows signs of why they really are. If you watch them long enough you will see these signs. It is Proven that a serial killer shows signs of being one for decades to those who watched them grow up, and as an adult they still show signs just not as many. The point here is that someone THAT abusive statistically would have shown signs of this.
Did you DESERVE THIS? No No one deserves this, Finding FAULT in the situation and Deserving what has happened to you are two VERY different things. If your Thought process says it was My fault for getting involved so therefore I must deserve this is what causes so many to stay in abusive situations.
I said I see the fault for the situation in myself always, however just because I put myself there does not mean I deserve it. In Fact the reason to take ownership of the fault is to have the motivation to move myself OUT of the situation.
Do I believe we should blame the Abusee for being abused? No, Not at all. Blame and Fault are two different things One is an Acusation one is simply the reality of the situation.
Should people who do bad things be free of paying for what they have done? In a Perfect world No, but we do not live in a perfect world and no ammount of anger toward someone is going to make them pay for what they have done. So why spend all your energy wishing on negative things when if you take responsibility for the things that you have done and see the fault for the situation lying with YOU and ONLY YOU, then you can Change YOUR actions to keep yourself from ending up in those situations again. The only actions you can control are you own.
Since getting out of such an abusive relationship I bet you take steps to not end up in one again don't you? See this is where you have taken fault, you assessed what you did and what you can do to never have that happen to you again.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Maya2001
Your second paragraph is really the heart of all this, a realtionship involves joint responsibility, it require honestly and commitment from both parties, it does not mean things will always go perfectly but they can be surmountable when both work in tandem together to overcome, it is not something that can occur if only one party is willing, dedicated and committed something I had to learn for myself during my marriage.
Yes there is true stupidity that occurs here, but not every situation that ends in failure deserves to be cast in the same boat, and sometimes walking and or running away is the only suitable/sane option as not everyone is going to be dedicated and I am sure even in your past with some of the ones you hurt that also became the viable answer because you did not have the same goals in life and dedication as you do now.
Your First Paragraph in Bold, to me Shows that you learned from your situations and have decided that the way to keep you from having another bad issue is to maintain this thought pattern. I agree with you 100% this is what is necessary. Now the question is how many subs who are told to "Run Don't Walk" are doing this or activly saught a relationship that endeared to these qualities???? Nearly NONE!
The Underlined portion of your second paragraph is kind of untrue. I believe they all can be placed in the same box. If you life your life like I live mine then EVERYTHING is a Learning experience and how you walk away from this experience is what I am advocating in the Falut concept. If you always walk away and ask yourself "How can I make sure NOTHING like this EVER happens again?" then yes you can treat EVERY situation with the same actions.
The next part in Italic is again a generalization you have made many times that I have hurt people, now I am agreeing with you, I most certainly have. You do not do Meth for a decade and come out smelling like roses on the otherside, However I am not denying that I have made mistakes or that I have worked on them, what I am getting at is there is a Myriad of people who will blame me for everything bad that happened to them and never grow from the encounter. I make ammends for the things I did all the time, I let them all know that today I know I was WRONG for what I did, in this vein, I am taking responsibility for MY PART in thier life, however I am NOT responsible for ANYTHING that happened top them Outside of my contact so to expect me to feel responsible for where there life went or has gone is something I am not willing to do, and NO ONE should be willing to do that. Human being have FREE WILL and therefore the choices you make Bad or Good are of your own making.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Maya2001
One of the things I had to come to terms with is that life is about taking gambles and chances and had to accept that getting hurt sometimes comes as part of the territory but that it is possible to limit the hurts by using common sense.
Broadly I can accept what you are saying but know that in real life it is much more complex
And this is what I am suggesting by taking responsibility for your fault in everything that happens to you, in all situatins you are the constant, you are the person that you have control over and in this constant, if bad things keep happeneing to you then you only have yourself to blame because you KEEP PUTTING YOURSELF INTO THEM.
Real Life is a Complex thing, but when you start to simplify things rather than over think them you start to see that there are SIMPLE Solutions to VERY COMPLEX Problems.
**Sorry to those I upset, I am simply speaking my mind. I feel it is important to take responsibility for your actions and NO MATTER the situation You had Fault for putting yourself there in the first place**
As Always
Steel
< Message edited by SteelofUtah -- 3/9/2008 9:51:40 AM >
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RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 
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