RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~

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RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 9:53:04 AM

colouredin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Just because I don't want to anymore does not change the fact I have a responsibility to continue doing it.

Steel

So simply because you have said forever you would stay in a relationship? even if you started to hate that person? Wouldnt that in itself damage the thing that you have pledged responsibility, If i loved someone and they started to hate me I would want them to leave because surely they arent going to be giving me what I need and nor me them.

edited to add
sorry Steel Im having a really bad devils advocate attack the last few days, im being totally pedantic.

< Message edited by colouredin -- 3/9/2008 9:58:49 AM >

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Post #: 41

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:03:56 AM

SteelofUtah

Posts: 5307
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From: St George Utah
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

So simply because you have said forever you would stay in a relationship? even if you started to hate that person? Wouldnt that in itself damage the thing that you have pledged responsibility, If i loved someone and they started to hate me I would want them to leave because surely they arent going to be giving me what I need and nor me them.

No No No you Misread and I understated.

Forever is the duration of our relationship. My sub asked to be released and had not yet found a new partner I maintained my responsibility to her by making sure she was okay as much as I could without the Power Exchange. She was free to do whatever she wanted and as long as she was willing to still have me around I would be there to offer her any advice I thought she could use I just wasn't her Master anymore. As soon as she was collored by a new Dom, I slowly backed off as she was in good hands, and I felt that I maintained my commitment to her in that I was there for her if she needed me untill she met someone and gave him that authority over her.

I was hurt that she choose to leave but I understood why she did and because of that I maintained a respectful balance of friendship and offered guidence when she wanted it and was simply there for her when she didn't. It took a year and a half before she was collared again and though our contact was varried through that time I do believe that I maintained my commitment to her.

Forever is what I Shoot for. I try not to get into relationships lightly. Unless I am prepared to stick it out for the long haul I rarely get involved. (Today that is, I didn't ALWAYS feel this way)

Steel

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Post #: 42

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:04:29 AM

Lumus

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Here I thought advice was given freely when it was asked for freely, with as much value assigned to it as you choose to give it. I'm afraid I'll agree to disagree on whether it's acceptable to give an opinion simply because it only bears the weight you allow it to have.

Bad relationships blossom regardless of sexual activity. I think all parties involved in said relationships should assume responsibility as it applies to them. The odds of that happening at the time things are at their worst, with dust flying around full of accusations and hurt feelings, are pretty dismal. That doesn't last forever. Sometimes, when people choose to part, they can only accept their own responsibility after the fact and hopefully learn from it.

Good relationships with bad moments are inevitable. How those moments are handled defines the relationship. If someone messes up and insists they're right anyways, well, that's usually a deal breaker eventually, vanilla or no, since it breeds resentment, which always lingers. If someone messes up and learns fom the experience, making efforts to correct their mistake or to not repeat it, then it's up to the person they messed up with to decide whether they can still trust the person. Trust is usually the crux, and not a thing to take lightly.

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Post #: 43

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:08:41 AM

SteelofUtah

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From: St George Utah
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Well said Lumus.

I agree with you completely, however expecting the OTHER person to do ANYTHING is not something that usually yields any results. Therefore if deal with the only thing you can deal with, YOURSELF, then you will get much further than if you are waiting for someone else to fix thier end before you fix yours.

I fix Me, and I let them decide what they are going to do, if they choose to do nothing then I guess I know what I need to do.

Don't get me started on Trust, that is a WHOLE nother Thread.

Steel

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Post #: 44

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:13:28 AM

colouredin

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Firstly, yeah sorry Steel i did misread, and now see what you mean, sorry :D

I agree Lumas, i think that we have to be responsible for our own happiness. However I do think that sometimes we must put aside our own desire for happiness for other people. I know that recently I have had to do this a lot because eventually I believe that it will work out in my favour and i feel the person I am putting it aside for is worth it, but fundementally there will come a time when I have to say to myself, right do I carry on with this in the hope it will all work out or do I cut my losses. To be honest its actually very much coming to the light at the end of the tunnel but on occasion we will focus our emotional energy into the wrong thing, what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

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Post #: 45

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:23:08 AM

Lumus

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Steel: I wouldn't encourage expectations on the other person's part, but by that same token, you have to communicate how you feel and what you need. Mind readers are so rare, these days... Communication, well, that's another issue unto itself. Kind of like the aforementioned trust is. Still, it's an influence not to be dismissed, and it is an example of self-responsibility that can be lacking at times.

colouredin: Nothing wrong with choosing to put yourself second if that's what you feel is right. That's a form of self-responsibility as well, in that you make an allowance for what you feel is necessary overall. Anyone in a relationship where compromise doesn't exist must be very wise - or more likely, it'll bite them in the ass. Hope things go well for you, darlin'.

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<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

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Post #: 46

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 10:27:57 AM

colouredin

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Thankyou very much Lumus ditto :D

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Post #: 47

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 11:49:35 AM

selena13

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Many good point have been made however I wish to deal with only a few.

First. I want to express that some people are mistaking what I am getting upset with

Oh no. I got it in one.
You're squicky about fat, balding 40 year old men.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

Post #: 48

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:01:31 PM

SteelofUtah

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Okay THAT was funny

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Post #: 49

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:19:36 PM

MadameMarque

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quote:

ORIGINAL: selena13

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Many good point have been made however I wish to deal with only a few.

First. I want to express that some people are mistaking what I am getting upset with

Oh no. I got it in one.
You're squicky about fat, balding 40 year old men.

Yes, this stood out for me, too. She found out he was what? Quel horreur! If one has the bad taste to get old and go bald, can other disasters be far behind?

Keep in mind, 40 is something you'll be, too, someday, if you live long enough. Balding? I guess you're hoping not. Fat? Yes, that is a foible, to allow oneself to get fat. But any of us might fail a bit, in this respect, don't your think, SteelofUtah?

(in reply to selena13)

Post #: 50

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:32:13 PM

SubbieOnWheels

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FR

Getting back to the OP and the reference to the woman who was lied to. Her relationship was not committed yet. She was just getting to know the man in question. The fact that he lied to her not only by having someone else's picture on his profile but by sending her another pic of the same other person was a red flag.

Could she have handled the situation through communication? Possibly, but it appears to me that the man had a silver keyboard. As she was not committed to him and was bothered by the lie (and it was a lie), cutting her losses seemed a good idea.

Kudos to anyone who handles a similar situation that early in an acquaintanceship and sticks it out. That person is either one with sterling character traits or getting into something they may later regret.

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Post #: 51

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:42:27 PM

Stephann

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Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
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Howdy Steel,

I'm with ya. I'm one of the guys that women should run, not walk away from. It's not by accident. I don't want a relationship with a woman who is easily shocked or scared. Either she's going to have the guts to see through what I put her through and become more beautiful and stronger by it, or it's just not gonna work out.

Safety is important. I won't meet a woman who doesn't feel safe in meeting me. I'm not suggesting that a person is supposed to just repress their concerns. Rather, their concerns should be addressed in a healthy manner. When I met charlotte, we'd been talking casually online and on the phone for about four months. It was only in the last couple weeks of that conversation that we truly knew and admitted to having become more invested in each other. Still, when we met, I had a hotel reservation, and made it clear I was coming 'for vacation only' and that meeting each other wasn't to be made into some huge thing. Once we saw each other in the flesh... well, it was clear to us both that we wanted to take our relationship further. She never wore some online collar, and I encouraged her to continue to meet and date other people right up until we met in person, and the night we met, it just felt right for us for me to collar her. (Admittedly, neither of us equate a collar with marriage, but rather a committment to an M/s relationship, but that's a topic for another thread.)

I agree, lots of folks throw common sense out the window, and then wonder why they get burned. But others take it to the other extreme: focusing so heavily on following rules they've set for themselves, that they don't take the time to actually get to know the person they're going to meet. I know charlotte and I worked out well because we were both very open and honest about who we were and what we expected. I've met enough people from the net who aren't, and learned quickly to cut such relationships short. Neither of us were desperate to meet anyone, which greatly contributed to our being able to enter into an relationship from the internet that was otherwise healthy.

I think those who say "Run, don't walk" tend to be on par with the fishwives who use message boards as a live substitute for the Jerry Springer show. They're here as part of the peanut gallery, to be entertained. I doubt seriously there'd be the same level of jeering if the issues were brought up in person, at a munch or discussion group.

Regards,

Stephan

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Post #: 52

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:45:22 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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quote:

Not everything that happens to you is your fault. Dealing productively with what happens to you is your responsibility.

This is about as good as I've come accross. I'm not responsible for everything that happens (with the exception of my um's), but, in so far as it impacts me, I gotta deal with the consequences.

To the op: I'm kind of with you on your general point. Obviously, life is complicated, and we all get shit thrown at us that we don't deserve but there's always a moment of decision where we have to choose between being a doormat/victim and taking responsibility for our own decisions. Sometimes, it follows from the act of taking responsibility that one decides to run away. Or, at least end things. (My sentence structure is terribly awkward)

On the other hand, I try not to be too harsh when judging others who may be confused and hurting cause I know I've made a lot of rash, ill-advised decisions and have gotten myself into some awkward situations and have been through some really difficult times. So, its hard for me to feel superior to anyone or criticize them cause I know I kind of suck at life. :)

Ed to make the connection between my comments and the op a bit more clear.

< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 3/9/2008 12:58:54 PM >

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Post #: 53

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 12:53:52 PM

SteelofUtah

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From: St George Utah
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MadameMarque

Yes, this stood out for me, too. She found out he was what? Quel horreur! If one has the bad taste to get old and go bald, can other disasters be far behind?

Keep in mind, 40 is something you'll be, too, someday, if you live long enough. Balding? I guess you're hoping not. Fat? Yes, that is a foible, to allow oneself to get fat. But any of us might fail a bit, in this respect, don't your think, SteelofUtah?

Now Now Now, you take me far to literally I was refering to the things they complain about. The real issue is that they did not look like they were suposed to.

I am more than a little overweight, I know I will be 40 and That isn't an issue for me and although I doubt I will loose my hair I do know I will eventually go white as all men in my family do.

I really don't care about those things. I was making a play at the things I have heard complained about, Honestly why would I care if the Guy is Fat and Balding? I'm not looking for guys.

As Always

Steel

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Post #: 54

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 6:51:00 PM

MontrealPhoenix

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I absolutely agree with what you are saying. I recently made every mistake in the book with a dominant i met here on CM. He knows just about everything about me including where i live and i know NOTHING. He has made threats against me including saying he's going to post the pics he took of me at my workplace and to threaten me physically. I have ended up dialing 911 and filing a report.

Am i to blame for this - absolutely! I rushed things, didn't take the time to get to know him, didn't press for information from him. I thought it was so exciting to to straight to playing - at my place. I have now posted my story, warts and all, on another site in my blog in the hopes of preventing this from happening to someone else.

I now have a whole list of rules to be followed if a dom wants to have a relationship with me posted on profile. They are non-negotiable and hopefully they will weed out the psychos and wannabe doms.

Have i learned my lesson? Absolutely. I'm just sorry it took something like this to wake me up.

Phoenix

(in reply to warrywanderer)

Post #: 55

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 7:15:41 PM

persephonee

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Nineveh

There is another side to the flippancy of "Run don't walk" Maybe you have putnin the time to get to know someone, you think you know themwell, then you find something out that makes you uncomfortable. This is when run don't walk really becomes a problem. You've put in time and work to become comfortable with someone, you know then and you know they are someone you can be happy with in a lot of ways, some issue comes up, instead of "talk it out, figure out if it is something that you can handle" Many advocate running the hell away. There is always going to be something worng with the person you are with, some of those things are going to come as a suprise, and certainly there are some of them, a few of them that are worth throwing the whole thing away, but less than most people seem to think with the easy use of "run don't walk" as the first piece of advice offered.

I honestly agree with every word here. Sometimes the only answer is to leave...but not before you've at least tried to address the issue. Of course, this is assuming real time effort and time have been spent. i am working through some issues now with someone i have put considerable time and effort into. If we cant work through it, we will go our separate ways, but because we are at least addressing the issue, i think that at least it wont be as ugly as if i were to just cut and run.

i wonder about all the online activity. i personally can chat all day long, but at the end of the day, a physical presence is really mandatory to create the kind of intimacy that this life leads us to.

persephone

(in reply to Nineveh)

Post #: 56

RE: Run Don't Walk: ~The ease in which it is suggested~ - 3/9/2008 8:44:17 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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I think those who say "Run, don't walk" tend to be on par with the fishwives who use message boards as a live substitute for the Jerry Springer show. They're here as part of the peanut gallery, to be entertained. I doubt seriously there'd be the same level of jeering if the issues were brought up in person, at a munch or discussion group.

Regards,

Stephan

I very rarely say Run dont walk, but I am sure I have said it a few times..and I stand by those words when they have been written,wether here or in person,munch or discussion group....I am regretting not having the tuna casserole tonight!..Tempting

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Post #: 57

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