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julietsierra -> RE: my apologies (3/11/2008 5:08:55 PM)
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Personally, after hearing a lifetime of apologies followed shortly by the same behavior previously apologized for, only to be apologized for once more, I'm more in the camp of "Don't apologize to me! Let's talk this out till we reach some sort of agreement as to how the future will go and move on." I'd rather have the action than the words. And I don't care all that much for the purging benefits to the person who is apologizing.
Certainly, if I do something accidentally (bump a head, spill the coffee), I'll apologize. And I'll be sincere in my apology. However, the bigger things, the make it or break it things, I tend to look for something more. There has to be a reason that he or I engaged in those activities and I'd rather address those reasons than simply that he or I got hurt by them. For example, if I disobey a rule of his - make it a hard fast rule - then "I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it. We're going to have a conversation about what I want out of this relationship, why I felt the need to do what I did (and "I just wasn't thinking" isn't an excuse for us), and what problems are we experiencing that led to this decision.
If we can reach an understanding of what happened and why, as well as what the expectations are for future behavior, then the subject is dropped. There are no apologies given or expected. Like Cuba Gooding to Tom Cruise... "show me the money." In other words, don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Be active. Do what you said you're going to do - or don't do what you said you won't. I'm good with that.
Beyond that, any guilt we might feel with regards to our actions are ours to deal with.
He holds himself to the same standard.
juliet
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