Asking to much

Asking to much (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

urperfectmatch -> Asking to much (3/11/2008 8:34:32 AM)
The Master/slave relationship is one built on trust. But, is that trust suppose to be one sided? Is the slave suppose to just accept what her Master says as the absolute truth? Is she suppose to just blindly accept everything he says? When is it alright to question him? And in doing so do you step outside the bounds of the Master/slave relationship? As nice as the notion is of a Master and slave relationship, reality does not truly support it. Simply, because you have to deal with each other as people too. If I can not ask him where he was for hours, then that is simply going to fester. I am still a human being and I cannot totally surpress the side of myself that cannot accept everything he say without question. And once that trust is broken, once he lies. How do you ever get that back? Or is it a lost cause?

GreedyTop -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 8:48:52 AM)
talk to him. explain that you're feeling uncertain about some things, and would like to step outside the dynamic for the discussion. If he is unwilling to do that, well, then I'd say lost cause. Just my opinion...

akisha -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 8:52:02 AM)
1. Trust is a two way street. It has to be earned by all parties involved. 2. You have the right to question your Master. He has the right not to answer and then you have the right to either accept that or not. 3. Yes in reality you have to deal with each other as "people" first and formost. in time you can grow to a place where you may be nothing but proptery and he is the be all end all of your existance but that takes time and trust. (My opinion so don't jump down my throat if you don't agree) 4. If trust is broken yes it can be re-earned but it takes hard work on everyones behalf to do so. It takes two (or more) people to make a relationship work. If only one person has rules and guidelines it will fail. We all have to meet the basic expectations of our significant other(s) If you can not trust someone how can you give yourself up to their care? Rule #1 Always take care of yourself first and foremost. Physicallly, mentally and emotionally. Again these are just my views, different things work for different people. If you are completely happy being in a one sided relationship where you are nothing but what He or She wants you to be with no opinions or rights of your own that is fine. It just does not work for me or many others

OmegaG -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 8:54:58 AM)
If you trust him, you wouldn't have to know where he was at. Work on the trust and why it is that you don't trust him enough to let him be somewhere without you knowing where.

urperfectmatch -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 9:03:11 AM)
Thank you, I am finding this helpful. I just want to be the best I can be for him and with him. And sometimes it is hard to see what is right and what is wrong if you are to close to it.

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 9:20:38 AM)
To earn trust, It also has to be given.

colouredin -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 9:40:05 AM)
quote: is that trust suppose to be one sided? Course not, you trust each other as in any relationships. All relationships are built on trust not just in BDSM sense. quote: Is the slave suppose to just accept what her Master says as the absolute truth? Is this before or after the trust has been formed? I guess it depends on your definition of the terms and what that trust is about. Its hard to blindly trust anyone, but once you trust them then no you dont ahve to constantly question them. I dont think there is such a thing as absolute truth but really it depends what he is saying. If he says "the sky is pink" then yeah you can question that, if hes talking about his emotions or where he has been or whatever then trust means you accept that. quote: When is it alright to question him? Only you can judge that, depends again what you are questioning him about, and there is a differance between a conversation to express YOUR concerns and questioning that can come off as an attack. quote: And in doing so do you step outside the bounds of the Master/slave relationship? each person is differant, there are no strict rules about what an M/s relationship is only you can answer that in regards to your own relationship. quote: If I can not ask him where he was for hours, then that is simply going to fester. I am still a human being and I cannot totally surpress the side of myself that cannot accept everything he say without question You answer yourself here, if you cant do it then you cant do it. There is nothing wrong with saying "where have you been" as long as its not said in an acsusing way, and if he says "doesnt matter" its up to you whether you can cope with that. quote: And once that trust is broken, once he lies. How do you ever get that back? Or is it a lost cause? depends how the trust is broken i guess, personally I know that i cant do it if its a big way, and i have to stop myself from trying. It depends for the motivation behind a lie and such though. Not all lies are bad.

toservez -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 9:42:41 AM)
I agree with everything akisha wrote. These are relationships just like any other relationships. Trust and respect is for both sides to show and prove to each other and this is always an on going thing. We are also human beings and not perfect which both parties have to filter in as well. Being Master or slave does not transform someone into being infallible. A Master needs to know they are not perfect and a slave needs to deal when their Master screws up in a healthy and reality based way. There is nothing wrong with asking questions the whole but at some point it does depend on the effort and why you are asking. To make something clear or you are having trouble with it is important you communicate. At the same time if you question everything through the filter of right or wrong judgment or without thinking does it really matter why before the question comes out of your mouth then the issue can be trust and/or commitment on your end for living the dynamic. As far as trust being broken, same in all relationships depends on the people involved, the stage of the relationship and what actually happen.

Dnomyar -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:02:41 AM)
It is all about communication.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:12:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urperfectmatch The Master/slave relationship is one built on trust. But, is that trust suppose to be one sided? Is the slave suppose to just accept what her Master says as the absolute truth? Is she suppose to just blindly accept everything he says? When is it alright to question him? And in doing so do you step outside the bounds of the Master/slave relationship? As nice as the notion is of a Master and slave relationship, reality does not truly support it. Simply, because you have to deal with each other as people too. If I can not ask him where he was for hours, then that is simply going to fester. I am still a human being and I cannot totally surpress the side of myself that cannot accept everything he say without question. And once that trust is broken, once he lies. How do you ever get that back? Or is it a lost cause? Looks like I get to piss people off with my view of trust now. Please forgive the things I am going to say as they do not need to apply to you I am simply speaking on how they apply to me. First part I want to discuss is the first part I highlighted. If I can not ask him where he was for hours, then that is simply going to fester. This is something that in my opinion should never be an issue because things like this should have been discussed LONG before he ever became your Master. An Understanding needed to be made about your desire to ask questions and the limits he would place on those questions should have been stated and agreed to BEFORE the collar was placed. In a 24/7 TPE which I would assume this is because it is the only way being gone for hours would matter, I wish to state that my girl can always ASK where I have been, however I withhold the right NOT to tell her. Now there are always two choices I can never take away from her and That is the choice to Obey or the Choice to LEAVE. Is not knowing worth Leaving? In a recent Thread I talked about the "Run Don't Walk" concept in these boards and threads, this is not the same thing. I own my girl but she is free to leave at any time but the choice to do so is hers and hers alone I cannot choose that for her unless I choose to release her, however the purpose of Obey or Leave means that either she does one or she has chosen to do the other. This sounds rather Harsh but you need to see it lenght wise. With this concept I have to give her reasons to stay. Knowing that she can leave at any time I need to show her what I do for her, I need to show her the EXCHANGE part of the Power Exchange. I need to show her the life that I offer her and as she becomes comfortable in that life I expect more and more from her. To a point that what I request although she may not wish to do it is still more attractive than leaving. This is the concept of surrender that I subscribe too. If I ask something that is Not worth more than her leaving is I still expect it done and if she chooses to leave it will be her decision completely. Now no one is saying that these decisions would be easy but it is the agreement we had LONG before a collar ever entered the deal, before the collar she had none of these requirements, instead she followed them showing me that she WANTED to and then once the collar went on it became something she already understood. The Second Part of your Post mentions TRUST This is the part that I am sure will meet with issues And once that trust is broken, once he lies. How do you ever get that back? Simple Answer it is IMPOSSIBLE to get Trust Back. Once it is LOST it can NEVER be gained. Also Trust is not something that is Earned it is something that is simply given as just as it cannot be gained back someone cannot ever do something that can instill trust n someone. A Person can simply decide that someone is worth thier trust. Prime Example: I Steal your wallet and Take all the money and you discover this and for some reason choose NOT to throw me out of your life completely. I Vow NEVER to do this to you again and you forgive me. A Year Passes and I have never done ANYTHING like that again. One day you realize you left your wallet on my coffee table and when you come and get it you think there is less money in it then was there when you left it. Where does your brain go first when the finger needed to be Pointed? In the back of your mind I will always be the Thief that stole your Money. Some things can NEVER be undone. This same excercise can be applied to ANY trust issue. The real problem comes when you see ALL men as being Untrustworthy. My Wife has always been cheated on, Not one of her relationships did not end without there being some form of sexual contact (Kissing or More) outside of thier relationship. I am a sexual guy and a flirt. My wife often thinks I am cheating on her even though I have never done anything to give her the impression I am doing things behind her back. We have had other subs come for kinky weekends and often she asks me if I want them more than her. Her self esteem is something that we are working on HEAVILY, but it doesn't change the fact that she associates Men with Sexual Infidelity. It may well be something I will always have to deal with but all I can do is keep giving her reasons to know I am not and trying to quell the way she feels. Is it My fault she doesn't trust Men? No, but in accepting her as my slave it is something I agreed to deal with. Does any of that make sense? Steel

colouredin -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:15:36 AM)
Steel Respectfully asked as always, if for example the lie was so that you could arrange a surprise party, it was still a lie, would you never trust that person again?

CalifChick -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:19:33 AM)
Steel is my new hero. Cali

SteelofUtah -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:20:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin Steel Respectfully asked as always, if for example the lie was so that you could arrange a surprise party, it was still a lie, would you never trust that person again? See I don't see those as lies. I see them as Purpose. I don't like surprise parties. The girl knows this, so that would not be an issue. I do like Christmas surprises so I tend to allow her some degree of NOT telling me things when that is involved. Lieing is a difficult street it is not always BLAC K and WHITE. I lie at times, Most of us do. Even the subbies who say they would never do that, they do. I won't give examples but they are usually lies that make someone else feel better which they do by instinct not for malice intent. I am talking about Breeches of Trust. Things that Both parties KNOW will not be okay. Slavecraft Talks about Transparency. I find it is a good practice. If the sub comes to the Dom and offers comeplete transparancy then these issues become almost non-existant. Steel

SteelofUtah -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:21:54 AM)
Cali....... Is that a Good thing for me or a Bad thing? I am curious do you agree or strongly disagree with what I have said? Likes Cali don't want that to change...LOL Steel

colouredin -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:22:20 AM)
Fair enough :D just wanted clarification on that

DesFIP -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:29:39 AM)
Next time, don't take a relationship to this level until after he's earned the trust. You put the cart before the horse here. Your fault for accepting that.

CalifChick -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 10:47:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Is that a Good thing for me or a Bad thing? I am curious do you agree or strongly disagree with what I have said? Likes Cali don't want that to change...LOL Well I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing for YOU. It just is. I strongly agree with what you said. My exhusband, who I left over a year and a half ago, is STILL trying to get me to come back to him. I tell him "I don't TRUST you" (among other things) and "I never WILL trust you." He will ALWAYS be the person that did XXXX and XXXX and XXXX to me. And yes, he got many more "second chances" than I should have given him, and he still blew it. If he had stopped what he was doing and made an effort with me, then it might have been different, but he didn't. But he just won't accept that I will ever see him any other way than the man that did this and this and that. Now as a result, I find that I am a bit more suspicious than I ever was before him (and god I so hate that... working on it... but still hate it). When someone comes into my life, I tell them about my issues with this and why. Generally, that means they give me more reassurances than they might otherwise, until I relax my "guard" and they aren't paying for the sins of another. Cali

BikerDomRealTime -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 4:03:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: urperfectmatch The Master/slave relationship is one built on trust. But, is that trust suppose to be one sided? Is the slave suppose to just accept what her Master says as the absolute truth? Is she suppose to just blindly accept everything he says? When is it alright to question him? And in doing so do you step outside the bounds of the Master/slave relationship? As nice as the notion is of a Master and slave relationship, reality does not truly support it. Simply, because you have to deal with each other as people too. If I can not ask him where he was for hours, then that is simply going to fester. I am still a human being and I cannot totally surpress the side of myself that cannot accept everything he say without question. And once that trust is broken, once he lies. How do you ever get that back? Or is it a lost cause? In my opinion you have the right to ask him where he has been. you should be willing to accept his answer, whatever it may be.

Madame4a -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 4:19:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Next time, don't take a relationship to this level until after he's earned the trust. You put the cart before the horse here. Your fault for accepting that. That was my immediate reaction. If you're having these issues and asking these questions, you shouldn't be calling yourselves Master and slave... trust is important and earned, but it takes time -- it always amazes me when I read things like this...

RedHotAndSoSexy -> RE: Asking to much (3/11/2008 4:40:23 PM)
I wish people would realize that D/s relationships are no different than any other relationships where trust and communication is important. There is no "magic" cloak of perfection thrown over a relationship just because the participants are Dom/sub. They are still human beings first off and that requires a strong sense of reality. Is trust one-sided in vanilla relationships? Of course not, so why would you believe it should be different here? Why ask if you should question your Master? Do whatever you need to do to ensure your emotional health and safety. Just because someone is your Master does not imbue them with super powers nor does it excuse bad behavior, if there is any going on. Question all you want and hopefully you will be able to discern the answers you receive as true or false within the context of your relationship.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.03125