RE: Is everything alright?

RE: Is everything alright? (Full Version)

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omegafemale -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/12/2008 7:56:41 PM)
Okay... settles in for a few moments from her errands and can read stuff before hitting the hay WOW!..how much this has grown. Im really thrilled by the response! She's just gonna have to read this whole thing....too much to take notes on![:)] I luv all this advice.. You know this is much better than going to a shrink! Im waiting on a call from her...probably tomorrow if not in the middle of the night(which sometimes happens~glad Im a good friend coz me needs me beauty sleep) Guys uh..and Gals.. I really dont think He's married...but could be wrong. Heck, who knows if ya never go around Him there at His place..but man alive..I think He's in love with her. Maybe that's a downfall for a Dom..but the way He looks at her tells a tale. Ive told her that too. Its really great hearing advice from both sexes. It gives a clear view because Dom or slave...Men really see things differently from women. I do see the point about boundaries. That is a big thing..along with the comment about she being HIS slave. She should let it go I guess. I dont know all the ins and outs of their relationship. Only the two in it can really judge but He seems really into her. And she just adores Him. I really do hope it works out for them coz...well...I like Him and was just getting accustomed to having Him around...and she's been so happy. Please continue your advice. Thank you to each of you for taking time to reply with such thoughtful suggestions and comments. It really does mean alot to me and I know it will to her too. will check back tomorrow

TysGalilah -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:34:31 AM)
The first thing that sprang to my mind was, If he can make arrangements for his father to be kept by relatives so that he can be at her place for a week ( or more ) ,then isn't it possible that he can make arrangement for the man to be "kept" for a weekend, so that he can invite her to be at his place for some time together ?????? I imagine that his reaction is what is prompting her " need to know" now. His rage and anger over it > certainly would send flags up with me. If he wants the trust between them to be strong he needs to be able to address all her questions and reassure her reasonable doubts. His reaction/anger was meant to shut her down using fear. IMO never a healthy tool, and for me, a big red flag. Rage is a fear based emotion> what is he "really" afraid of??

jenf -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 5:55:24 AM)
He's married, or in a relationship, she is definitely his piece on the side. Deep down in her gut, she knows it, too.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 6:18:20 AM)
See and still I am more interested as to why this is an issue in the first place. Except for this ONE thing they have a GOOD and HEALTHY Relationship. Lets just SUPPOSE that the Father is real and he has REAL SERIOUS Boundry Issues when it comes to her going over there. I have read Post After Post saying Yeah this guy is Definantly Married and has kids. That is not very likely, did everyone forget that he was there for Christmas for a week? MArried and Kids would have made that something he could not have done. Also from all outside views it looks as though he looks at her with love. I can understand if some people are Jaded about relationships and things like this but the answer isn't always "He's a Lying, Cheating, No Good Turd" I really wish people could see that there ARE other situations and possibilities. She needs to discuss OPENLY and RESPECTFULLY her issues with this Boundry he has set up but it is HIS boundry and he is allowed to have them. If a sub is afforded Hard Limits is not a Master afforded boundries? Why are some of us trying to strip this Man of his comfort? Why are we advising conspiracy when we could be advising Healthy Dialoge and Communication? I don't see this as a Matter of Trust because I think the trust level is fine, he simply does not wish to deal with combining that part of his life and his sub. This is NOT a trust issue it is a Life Management Issue. My wife has never met my father and I doubt she ever will, however that is because I choose NOT to put her through that, reguardless of her ability to take it I have the responsibility to keep fer from those kinds of situations and in the end it is MY choice NOT hers. Have we all forgotten that they have had a relationship for a FULL Year and that he spends nearly every weekend over ther That is 52 Weekends and a Full week at Christmas. Does this sound like something a Married Man could do? It doesn't to me, I am married and even if my wife and I hated one another I would not be able to get away with Christmas. I am just wondering again why everyone is so positive that this guy that none of know anything about other than what the OP has posted which is second hand to begin with is such a Douche Bag?? I mean why do we always go to that degree? I just don't get that. God I wonder what people say about me when I'm not around to defend myself. As Always Steel

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:01:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jenf He's married, or in a relationship, she is definitely his piece on the side. Deep down in her gut, she knows it, too. He wouldn't have holidays available to her then. A thought just occured to me, when I was in interracial relationships, I never mixed my relationship with my family or anyone who I'd grown up with because of the intolerant culture surrounding my home town. While I regretted the feelings of my child-hood friends and my family, I couldn't change them. I wasn't embarressed by the guy I was dating nor could I say that I was truly embarressed by my family (I just knew them too well). The seperation was due to my decision to not take on more crap then I wanted to. I would tell the guy I was dating my decision and if he didn't agree with me and wanted to make waves with my family then I'd discontinue seeing him. Often times, he'd have the same issues with his family and so he'd understand.

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 9:16:10 AM)
You see, to me this is not just an issue of married or not, but as others have said, it is boundaries. He has boundaries that she does not find acceptable. If I were in this situation and the father was real, it still wouldn't be acceptable to me to be with someone that held me at arms length and could not fully incorporate me into his life. A year is a pretty good divider of time in my estimation. It tells you whether you really would desire to move forward with someone. If he cannot fully commit to her because of the father, she has every right to not accept that boundary and seek someone that can and will let her completely into their life. The angry melt down over this would be a red flag for me personally. Why is he so upset over a pretty garden variety request after a year... which the request is really make me completely a part of your life because I want and desire someone that will do so. Who wants a relationship with someone with hidden corners to their existence that they are kept out of? I wouldn't. In fact it is now a hard limit for me. julia

xxblushesxx -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 9:26:56 AM)
Omega; I know you like this guy, and reallly want to believe him, but honestly, what reason does she have to believe him? She asks him an extremely reasonable question, and he has a meltdown? He can't trust her to still love and submit to him after she meets his crazy father? Really? Why not just do this? Go online to the county clerks office in the county he lives in, go to the land records search, and look up his name...you'd be surprised what you can find out with a quick free search like that. I don't find it reasonable at all to be such a small part of someone's life after a year. She really has to decide if being a little part of his life is better than no part, since he's not gonna give her the 'normal' relationship she seems to want and to expect. If she were my friend, I'd ask her that, and if I felt she secretly hoped he would change, I'd suggest she move on.

SailingBum -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 10:04:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: omegafemale Hello Masters and Dominants, Im asking for some advice for a friend of mine. No, Silly..it really isnt for me..! A friend of mine is collared by a Dominant. She had been dating this Dominant for almost a year before He collared her. Everything seemed great but then she calls me to say He just had a big fight with her over the phone. She has asked numerous times to visit His home. He refuses and always goes to her house for the weekends. Nothing has ever seemed out of the ordinary and she has always just assumed that as time went on He would eventually have her come to His home. She apparently brought up the subject on the phone for the fourth time since they are together in a year. He went thru the roof screaming at her to the point she was in tears and was afraid to answer His questions on the phone. He said to her that "If you come here and meet my father it will be the end of us. When I want to get rid of you then you can come here and meet Him. Do you want to meet Him?" She was in shock...and didnt know what to say. He lives in the next city from her. She owns her home. He owns His home. He is taking care of His father fulltime (who is paralyzed and argumentative and "a fucking bastard" )and His father has a hard time dealing with visitors who come to see the Dom and takes it out on the Dom all week. The Dom lives to see my friend on the weekends. He tells her His life begins when they are together on weekends and holidays. He spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with her at her home for two weeks.. The Dom's Father went to stay with relatives. She has never seen His home..or met His family or co-workers although the Dom HAS met her family etc..and had dinner..etc..and spent considerable time with her family and friends. She is confused about things. Shouldnt she SEE where He lives and works..etc after its been a whole freaking year?!! The Dom told her that His father has ruined his relationships in the past and doesnt want him to interefere with what they have. What should she do please? As far as I know He has never raised His voice to her about anything else besides coming to His home. He has never "hit" her or abused her......why all the secrets?..He is "a very private person"...[8\|] uh....okay.. If the dad is the issue here which I doubt she could stop by when dads hanging with others. The dad is a smokescreen for something else. Maybe he lives in a shithole who knows... BadOne

ProlificNeeds -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 12:41:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Because Prolific, she is the slaaaave...she is supposed to accept anything and everything he says. (you didn't get the handbook did you?) I used my handbook to prop up a table leg... was I suppose to read it? Man, I thought I was only ever suppose to believe what a dom tells me! This submissive business is pretty hard! Whatever will my poor little self do...

LaTigresse -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 1:18:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet If I had never been to his home, especially if I had no landline number, I would wonder if I was being lied to and in fact if the "father" was a "wife". I am in a relationship with someone for a year, and they have that sort of over the top out of control reaction to a fairly straightforward and normal request I would question their suitablity to dominate me... I would very much respect where he is in his life, but that respect does not mean i would want a life with someone who did not think me suitable to be around their family for whatever reason. Life is too short and there are too many other people out there to settle for someone that keeps you at arms length. julia Except for the landline phone thing (just because I know alot of people that don't have one) I have to say this reply makes the most sense to me.

omegafemale -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:05:34 PM)
Hello Everyone, Once again thank you for taking time to give such wonderful advice. I dont know which she will choose. Even when I read this one..I think yeah, that's the answer..then, I read that one and I think well..maybe that's the right answer..Everyone has such good strong ideas and they ALL seem right! She hasnt had a chance to read all this yet. She got a little ticked at me when she found out I went online with the story but I told her I didnt mention names so it eased her mind. And besides, I didnt really have an answer because maybe Im biased because Im close to her. This way she can get viewpoints from those who do not actually know them. I will tell you that I havent went into deep detail about everything I know but I have given the best info out of her crying jag and from experience in knowing both of them. Yes, I do like Him. I think He's a great guy and I would never want anyone to diminish how wonderful He has been to her<---words from her own mouth! Its been a year and she has No Complaints about anything but this one thing. She told me around lunch time that He had called her this morning. They talked for a while and He said He has wonderful loving things to say to her when He sees her this weekend. They are things that have to be said in person. So there ya go..I dont know what that means. She said she was able for the first time to really let go and express how she feels about the whole thing. She wasnt worried about what she said..she just said them. Isnt that a good thing? She said He was back to His calm patient self and listened intently as He always had. I do wonder about what things He is going to say to her. Even though it really is none of my business. Still, I worry about her. She's like a kid sister to me. On a personal note, it never occured to me that driving past His house etc would be similar to pushing my hard limits..*shrugs..I thank you for pointing that out to me. I fully intend to re-think my views on it..on hard limits, boundaries..etc. Also, it is not my intention to take sides against a man..just because He is a man..I wasnt even aware of it until it was brought to my attention. I suppose my past baggage is showing[&o] and Im pushing onto a friend's relationship the past hurts I myself have survived. Man, I got a lot of personal work to do. This is why I think these forums are such a wonderful thing. Thank you all.

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:13:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx Omega; I know you like this guy, and reallly want to believe him, but honestly, what reason does she have to believe him? She asks him an extremely reasonable question, and he has a meltdown? He can't trust her to still love and submit to him after she meets his crazy father? Really? Why not just do this? Go online to the county clerks office in the county he lives in, go to the land records search, and look up his name...you'd be surprised what you can find out with a quick free search like that. I don't find it reasonable at all to be such a small part of someone's life after a year. She really has to decide if being a little part of his life is better than no part, since he's not gonna give her the 'normal' relationship she seems to want and to expect. If she were my friend, I'd ask her that, and if I felt she secretly hoped he would change, I'd suggest she move on. You and I have such a different out look. If I ever start to doin back ground checks on someone, it's time for me to leave, period. The splinter of doubt never leaves the mind no matter how many times it's been twarted, in my opinion and if I can't accept him at face value, I can't stay. And if I'd been with a guy for a year and he asked me again to meet my family, after I said that they'd not accept him and create hell for me, then I'd have a melt down too. But I'd end it just so I'd never have to go through that again with him.

Lumus -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:23:04 PM)
Because it hasn't been said: Your curiosity is my hard limit. I could fathom that someone such as the Dom in question chooses his stance as an assertion. She might be curious about a scar from an accident he doesn't like to remember, either...does he have to disclose that? Lingo and kink aside, everyone has their own boundaries. Most know to push boundaries with caution. This doesn't sound like a situation where caution is being used...but then, I don't know all the facts.

LaTigresse -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:24:49 PM)
I don't know that checking up on people that you are bringing into your personal life is such a bad thing. Just about anyone that comes close to getting past my front gate, is going to be checked up on pretty thoroughly. Not necessarily my choice, or of my doing, but it gets done none the less. I have people that care about me and don't want me hurt or put through any unnecessary hell. I guess they think there was enough of that in the past that was uncontrollable. Now it is so it will be, in as much as possible. We would all like to think the best of people. Even a hard hearted old cynic like myself. I also like to think I am a good judge of character. Yet, there is always the possibility my radar isn't working so great on any given day. It's nice to know that someone less biased is going to be scrutinizing things also. Someone having some undisclosed dirt does not immediately put them in my shit book either. Just depends on the dirt and how far behind them they've put it. I know someone that is a definate felon. Stole expensive cars and so forth. Today I would trust him with my Powerball winnings.....or the key to my jewelry safe.....whichever is more believable[:D]. I wish I could be all sweetness and light when it comes to trusting people but I'm not. I've seen too much nasty in people over the years to ever assume anything.

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:44:28 PM)
Everybody has to decide what is best for them. Personally I listen and walk slowly into a relationship. I listen for things that don't add up, I listen for openness or evasiveness on subjects, and I listen to my gut-- not just one day, but always, and I never make up my mind quickly. BTW- I dated an ex-drugdealer-felon once, he's a very successful business man now, he beat the odds because he decided prison wasn't for him. On paper he looked like hell (oh yeah, he was also one of those interracial relationships) in person he was gold. But seriously, even if I didn't have an anti-snoop policy, if I felt that I had to check up on someone after a year of dating him, I think I'd have to reevaluate my process.

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 3:48:23 PM)
I should add Christina, that I don't "like" the guy, but he isn't here to defend himself and I can see another side to the story. I don't know the other omega or her friend, I don't know how much of the story is true or exageration, but I do so like playing the devil's advocate too.

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 5:21:32 PM)
quote: I listen for openness or evasiveness on subjects I think that he comes off as evasive, after a year if someone is evasive like that with you, are you going to take what they say at face value? I have some experience with this sort of scenario. It ended up that he wasn't hiding a wife, but nonetheless he was never willing to make me a part of his life completely... no matter how wonderful, how sweet, and how kind he was over the course of the relationshi, he kept me at arm's length. I understand he had a right to those boundaries after the dust settled. I respect that he had them (even in the midst of the relationship), but the fact remained he was a giant time waster. If a person cannot give another what they want and need for whatever reason, if they truly care about that person and want to see that other person happy, then they should step aside. I suppose I do not understand getting POed at someone because they make a request that most of us would make after a year. It just doesn't make sense to flip out. Perhaps you would think you needed to dump someone because they wanted to be fully incorporated into your life, and not just have a small piece of it, I think that if someone has no intention of giving another what they want after a year, dumping them is the kind thing to do anyways... why waste anymore of that person's precious life? Why sweet talk them into being involved in something that will never be fulfilled the way they would like it to be... julia

KnightofMists -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 6:31:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: omegafemale He lives in the next city from her. She owns her home. He owns His home. He is taking care of His father fulltime (who is paralyzed and argumentative and "a fucking bastard" )and His father has a hard time dealing with visitors who come to see the Dom and takes it out on the Dom all week. The Dom lives to see my friend on the weekends. He tells her His life begins when they are together on weekends and holidays. He spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with her at her home for two weeks.. The Dom's Father went to stay with relatives. She has never seen His home..or met His family or co-workers although the Dom HAS met her family etc..and had dinner..etc..and spent considerable time with her family and friends. I have some ocean front property for sale... give to her cheap if she's interested!!

Kitte9 -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 6:32:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: omegafemale He spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with her at her home for two weeks.. The Dom's Father went to stay with relatives. Why didn't he have her over at this time???

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 6:37:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet quote: I listen for openness or evasiveness on subjects I think that he comes off as evasive, after a year if someone is evasive like that with you, are you going to take what they say at face value? I have some experience with this sort of scenario. It ended up that he wasn't hiding a wife, but nonetheless he was never willing to make me a part of his life completely... no matter how wonderful, how sweet, and how kind he was over the course of the relationshi, he kept me at arm's length. I understand he had a right to those boundaries after the dust settled. I respect that he had them (even in the midst of the relationship), but the fact remained he was a giant time waster. If a person cannot give another what they want and need for whatever reason, if they truly care about that person and want to see that other person happy, then they should step aside. I suppose I do not understand getting POed at someone because they make a request that most of us would make after a year. It just doesn't make sense to flip out. Perhaps you would think you needed to dump someone because they wanted to be fully incorporated into your life, and not just have a small piece of it, I think that if someone has no intention of giving another what they want after a year, dumping them is the kind thing to do anyways... why waste anymore of that person's precious life? Why sweet talk them into being involved in something that will never be fulfilled the way they would like it to be... julia I would get POd if I'd explained why I had a boundry and the person kept asking to cross that line. It was stated that this isn't the first time she asked and she already knew what his reasons were. And I think I've also stated that if I was uncomfortable with the boundries, I'd leave. I would not play Nancy Drew to find out why I couldn't have what I wanted, I'd just know that I couldn't have it at that time and if I couldn't live with that I'd find a relationship I could live with. Now, when I had a fragmented life I never planned on it being permanent, but until there was some kind of forever thing between me and the man, I didn't want the hassle of dealing with the family. Some of those relationships lasted multiple years, and I can't say that I never planned on letting the guy fully into my life, I was simply going one day at a time. And as I said in my first post, I've seen how friends have been drained by parents who's mentality changes as they get old and I do feel for this man who is dealing with this stress rather then shoving his father into a home. Chances also may be that his schedule is so reguated between finding care for the father and taking care of him himself that he can't spend anything more then the prescheduled time with the woman, and it could be that at those times he wants no reminder of his normal stressfilled life. But who knows, maybe I shouldn't play DA just before bedtime because I over speculate.

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