RE: Is everything alright?

RE: Is everything alright? (Full Version)

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Kitte9 -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 6:39:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah I have read Post After Post saying Yeah this guy is Definantly Married and has kids. That is not very likely, did everyone forget that he was there for Christmas for a week? MArried and Kids would have made that something he could not have done. Of course it can be. Ask any businesman who travels a lot. If married and kids made it impossible, hotels would be out of business.

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:06:35 PM)
quote: Now, when I had a fragmented life I never planned on it being permanent, but until there was some kind of forever thing between me and the man, I didn't want the hassle of dealing with the family. Some of those relationships lasted multiple years, and I can't say that I never planned on letting the guy fully into my life, I was simply going one day at a time. And as I said in my first post, I've seen how friends have been drained by parents who's mentality changes as they get old and I do feel for this man who is dealing with this stress rather then shoving his father into a home. Chances also may be that his schedule is so reguated between finding care for the father and taking care of him himself that he can't spend anything more then the prescheduled time with the woman, and it could be that at those times he wants no reminder of his normal stressfilled life. I wouldn't stay with a person who had those boundaries. I have also been responsible for taking care of an elderly family member who had a stroke. In fact he died shortly after Sinergy and I started emailing. I find it odd to think that having an elderly family member with health problems as being a reason to keep someone out of my life. It impacted my romantic life less than having a UM did. Just me, etc. I do agree, if someone stated unequivocably that I could not meet their family, and I could not accept that... I would just consider the relationship over now. Been there, bought the T-shirt, no one is worth wasting my time over. I hope the lady who is reading these responses realises that if this man has no intention of letting her in his life, someone else will. And she will not have to put up with what are lame excuses in my mind... nope, I do not understand it... and my stepfather was very nasty mouthed at times, never shielded anyone from him when I was caring for him... just me, etc. julia

OmegaG -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:13:41 PM)
I realized after my last response that I was doing far too much speculating. Oooo but then another thought just occured to me-- women love to change men or think that their presence will change a man. Gotta wonder if this woman thought that the more she stayed with him the less stong his resolve would be in the area?

domahpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:14:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Except for this ONE thing they have a GOOD and HEALTHY Relationship. I have read Post After Post saying Yeah this guy is Definantly Married and has kids. That is not very likely, did everyone forget that he was there for Christmas for a week? MArried and Kids would have made that something he could not have done. Also from all outside views it looks as though he looks at her with love. I don't see this as a Matter of Trust because I think the trust level is fine, he simply does not wish to deal with combining that part of his life and his sub. This is NOT a trust issue it is a Life Management Issue. Have we all forgotten that they have had a relationship for a FULL Year and that he spends nearly every weekend over ther That is 52 Weekends and a Full week at Christmas. Does this sound like something a Married Man could do? It doesn't to me, I am married and even if my wife and I hated one another I would not be able to get away with Christmas. I am just wondering again why everyone is so positive that this guy that none of know anything about other than what the OP has posted which is second hand to begin with is such a Douche Bag?? I mean why do we always go to that degree? I just don't get that. God I wonder what people say about me when I'm not around to defend myself. As Always Steel i gotta tell ya Steel, these things are very possible and doable. a married Dom i know does it often and well, holidays included. its also possible that the feeling between the Dom and sub are true, totaly possible. im not saying i think this particular dom is married, dosent really matter to me. if he and the sub have happiness and love more power to em! but if he actually is married, then i think Yes, he should be honest about it, should have from the beginning in fact! but if any of this is the truth, it may be too late to come clean, yes? thats where the trouble might lie, him feeling that maybe shes noticing things arent all they seemed, and beginning to wonder about them. it could be a very large stress trigger for him, indeed! then again, i could be totaly off :) just my thoughts.

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:16:40 PM)
Well I can understand it on one hand, If I asked DAddy something , the same something over n over and over and over and over, and would never let it go, as it appears she won't and even if it was spaced out during a good duration period of say a year, he is going to get annoyed with me. I do not think it's reasonable to hound someone endlessly once you've gotten an answer, even if the answer is one you don't like. So him getting pissed off at being hounded is understandable. What is not ok to me, is that he yelled an shouted at her in a fit of anger. I have a problem with rash flashes of temper. I believe even if you're boiling mad you should have enough self control to either walk off till you're in control of yourself, or not lash out an pour that boiling anger onto someone else. quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet I suppose I do not understand getting POed at someone because they make a request that most of us would make after a year. It just doesn't make sense to flip out. julia

SteelofUtah -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:26:08 PM)
Now see there I agree. If he has lied about this then comeing clean now does no good. The Issue I am having is that many are simply assuming and in some cases stateing as FACT that this guy is married I have no idea how one who was married could get away with every weekend and Christmas and Thanksgiving without some kind of issue this is a full year we are talking not just a few weeks. I think that there are some seriously jaded people here who simply automatically assume all men or dom's who do something odd are just married lying scum I am tired of see that, that's all. I do concede that if he is in fact lying then beyond the deciet he has abused another part of dominance and that is the safety factor. I was just watching on the TRU channel that this lady killed the 4 women her husband had cheated on her with and her reason for doing it was if she tool them away from he he would come back to her. If he did this then he has put his own sub in danger and that is just wrong. Again all of this is my own opinion. I simply belive that this guy is getting a bum wrap from the people in this thread all because he feels strongly about this issue. It just feels as if we are saying that the Dom should not be allowed to have boundries. I believe that the girl is in the wrong for continuing to ask knowing how he feels about the subject when he is ready to introduce them he will untill then she should be happy with the man who cares about her and not give a shit about his Father of going to his home. Be Happy with the little things because the things you offten want don't bring you have as much happiness as the little things that you didn't know how much you would love. Question: If she does force her way into this mans life and sees how much of a miserable Bastard this mans Father is and the ammount of shit that was brought on him by said miserable Bastard and it does cause a rift in thier relationship just like he said it would, Do you think it will have been worth it? I mean seriously folks what if everything this man has said was the dead and gods honest truth? How would you feel having Advised her to push for this? I know some would not care and others would not believe they did anything wrong and I'm not saying that they had but what if? You know.... What If?? As Always Steel

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 7:52:53 PM)
quote: Well I can understand it on one hand, If I asked DAddy something , the same something over n over and over and over and over, and would never let it go, as it appears she won't and even if it was spaced out during a good duration period of say a year, he is going to get annoyed with me. Here is the thing.... You ask someone about two months into the relationship if you can meet their family... they say... "too soon", so you let it go and then you ask 6 months into the relationship, and they give you some other throw-a-way bullshit to pacify you... so you let it go. Then you ask maybe 10 months into the relationship, and then they get a little tense on you and uptight because they know they are running out of excuses. Then after a year things begin not to add up, you begin to think that perhaps this person is full of shit, so you call them on it and you state that their bullshit just isn't believable and it doesn't add up. Then they fly off the handle because they are up against the wall and have no where else to go. They have run out of excuses. Now the "friend" has come back and stated he is calling her and kissing her ass and pacifying her again because he does not want it to end, yet is unwilling to give her what she needs in the relationship. Been there, done the entire "Im going to act outraged over a simple request so you will never ever question me again" crap. Really comes down to this, and this will probably be my last post here, because I feel like I am repeating myself which is even boring me[:D], I just wouldn't play that game again. I guess I am hoping the person that is experiencing this will read my words, and if they resonate, and this is what she is experiencing, she will realize that waiting for him to incorporate her into his life is throwing good after bad. Time ticks on, and sometimes men won't make that final move to commit unless they are faced with the fact that other men will. If he loves her he isn't going to let her go, he is going to either shit or get off the pot... Like I said, just my view... julia

CalifChick -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 8:13:36 PM)
Julia, you said what I was thinking much more eloquently than I could. I don't think he is married, but I DO think he is underestimating her (which is a sensitive spot for me, so I may see that angle where others may not). Cali

TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 9:26:21 PM)
I was talking this thread over with a very knowledgeable friend the other day,and he made a point I had not thought of..Basically he said.."why is this Dominant,allowing his father who lives with him, whom he cares for,allowing this parent to Dominate and control his life"?..Would you wish to be with a Dominant who was unable to control or have any control in his own home?..words to think on.....Tempting

YourhandMyAss -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 9:52:42 PM)
That would actually be in my mind reasonable. however she keeps asking after he's flat out said no not happening,and why, and now he's angry. All though I will say if it's not acceptable to her any more an she's willing to make this a deal breaker by all means call it quits. :) quote: ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet quote: Well I can understand it on one hand, If I asked DAddy something , the same something over n over and over and over and over, and would never let it go, as it appears she won't and even if it was spaced out during a good duration period of say a year, he is going to get annoyed with me. Here is the thing.... You ask someone about two months into the relationship if you can meet their family... they say... "too soon", so you let it go and then you ask 6 months into the relationship, and they give you some other throw-a-way bullshit to pacify you... so you let it go. Then you ask maybe 10 months into the relationship, and then they get a little tense on you and uptight because they know they are running out of excuses. julia

SinergyNstrumpet -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/13/2008 9:54:34 PM)
quote: That would actually be in my mind reasonable. however she keeps asking after he's flat out said no not happening,and why, and now he's angry. All though I will say if it's not acceptable to her any more an she's willing to make this a deal breaker by all means call it quits. :) I was under the impression she asked him 4 times in one year. I would not quite call that nagging,... But you are right, now he has put his foot down and gotten bent out of shape that kinda tells her if she cannot accept her ancillary role in his life she just needs to move on. jula

xxblushesxx -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/14/2008 11:09:16 AM)
I don't think doing an online search which is public knowledge and available to anyone who cares to look doing a background check. I know how to do a thorough background check, but didn't suggest that... Oh, and btw, I also do a search in the sex offender registry of any dom before I meet him...I do that for my own protection and for that of my um's. Because some liars can be terribly charming and disarming. This guy is hiding something, I don't know what it is, and frankly, don't really care, but, there is no other reason for this to be a "limit". And does calling it a 'limit' really make it less reasonable to expect of someone after a year? Did he tell her it was a limit before they got involved with each other, so she knew what she was getting in to, or did it become a 'limit' when she began asking? And yes, if HoneyMaster wanted to, He would tell me to go visit my relatives during Christmas, give me the money to do so, and tell me He had to stay in town because of work...then when I left, He could go stay with the lady on the side who knew nothing about me. Easy.

eyesopened -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/14/2008 11:55:59 AM)
Oooh oooh!! i know this guy!! Only when i knew him it was his mother not his father that he had to take care of. The first year, we spent a LOT of time together but even our weekends seemed to get cut short because "mom" was in her 80s and had a lot of health problems and he'd get called away to care for her. No, could not ever go to his house or meet his sister or friends, although he had no problem meeting my family and spending time together in 'family' outings with my family. After a year, i got bored with him and told him i was no longer interested. But he'd keep sniffing around and since he was entertaining i would see him from time to time. He loved to send me cards, flowers, gifts for no reason at all, a very sweet and Dominant man. Every time i told him it would be the LAST time i was going to see him, he would tell me how much i meant to him and if only his situation with his mother were different yadda yadda yadda, even one time asked if he put his mom in assisted-living, would i consider being his forever, but nothing changed. i had already moved on mentally and emotional a couple of years prior. This entire "relationship" lasted on and off for over 4 years. One day i got an email addressed to me and about seven other women from his email address but written by his long-term (12 years) live-in girlfriend/slave who blasted all of us for being such sleazy whores and how stupid we all were for ever thinking we were more than dalliances.... He even had the nerve to contact me even after several of us from the "list" had forwarded the email to his work email address... yeah... well i had a laugh over the whole thing and how easy it was for me to ignore what i really already knew. Anyway, i'm sure YOUR friend's Master isn't really the same guy and is telling the whole truth and really just can't expose her to his mother, i mean father, i mean....just sayin.

KnightofMists -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/14/2008 12:01:41 PM)
just another thought about this situation... If it looks like shit... smells like shit... and if your brave... it feels like shit (put latex gloves on for that one)..... but do you really want to taste it to see if it is Shit! I think I would be find calling it shit and moving on....

CreativeDominant -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 3:23:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx I don't think doing an online search which is public knowledge and available to anyone who cares to look doing a background check. I know how to do a thorough background check, but didn't suggest that... Oh, and btw, I also do a search in the sex offender registry of any dom before I meet him...I do that for my own protection and for that of my um's. Because some liars can be terribly charming and disarming. This guy is hiding something, I don't know what it is, and frankly, don't really care, but, there is no other reason for this to be a "limit". And does calling it a 'limit' really make it less reasonable to expect of someone after a year? Did he tell her it was a limit before they got involved with each other, so she knew what she was getting in to, or did it become a 'limit' when she began asking? And yes, if HoneyMaster wanted to, He would tell me to go visit my relatives during Christmas, give me the money to do so, and tell me He had to stay in town because of work...then when I left, He could go stay with the lady on the side who knew nothing about me. Easy. One note of caution: I watched 20/20 last night. I usually don't because, frankly, Stossel's attitude tends to get to me. The show was about "the age of consent" and it dealt with how many of the people listed on Sex Offender Registry sites are people...usually men...who had sex with their girlfriends when he was at or above the age of consent but his girlfriend was not. They spoke about one case in Maine where the guy was 17 when he had consensual sex with his girlfriend of 15. Her father didn't like it but couldn't control his own daughter's actions so he turned the young man in. The young man wound up doing a year in prison, getting his G. E. D. in prison instead of graduating with his class. The young woman has had no consequences for her choices...the young man gets to live the rest of his life with his name on the sex offender registry. He also cannot work as a paid fireman...which is what he wanted to be...because of this. He gets to have the police go through his neighborhood and warn his neighbors that there is a sex offender in their midst. He has been beat up by vigilantes who fail to find out what his "indecent contact with a minor" really was...hey, he's just a child molestor, right? I have nothing but disdain for true pedophiles but these sites are not all they are cracked up to be unless someone is willing to do the full research. Sorry for the hijack...

CalifChick -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 5:51:34 PM)
That's one reason why it's good to know what the laws are in your state. There are states that have "floating" age of consent... like if both are under 18, they have to be within two years of each other. And parents need to educate themselves and their children on what the laws are, especially their sons (although it applies to both genders), because the boys seem to get punished far, far more often than the girls. Cali

DesFIP -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 6:20:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah Lets just SUPPOSE that the Father is real and he has REAL SERIOUS Boundry Issues when it comes to her going over there. She needs to discuss OPENLY and RESPECTFULLY her issues with this Boundry he has set up but it is HIS boundry and he is allowed to have them. If a sub is afforded Hard Limits is not a Master afforded boundries? Why are some of us trying to strip this Man of his comfort? Why are we advising conspiracy when we could be advising Healthy Dialoge and Communication? Steel, she tried discussing this and she got raged at which does not qualify as him willing to engage in a healthy open communication. He can set up a boundary of not meeting his crazy father, not wise but fine. But he cannot insist on meeting her friends and family outside of her house and refusing to introduce her to his buddies from work, his bowling league, his grown son. The fact that she has no intro to any of his life and his rage is the red flag. The father issue fine. But not letting her into any of the rest of his life, not fine. Or are all of his coworkers crazy also, plus his grown son, plus his best friend of 20 years? I doubt it. A bad marriage, held together for the sake of the not yet grown ums is what this comes to. She visits her family with the ums at holidays while he has to work. He claims to be visiting his relatives on weekends when he's with the sub. Could he still be really in love with her? Sure. Does he want it in the open and a costly divorce? Nope. Is he lying to her? Definitely.

kelticladi -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 10:35:48 PM)
There are a couple things here that are red flags to me, and they aren't the same ones O/others have pointed out. His behaviour has some similarities to the abuser in an abusive realtiaonship. Everything is fine, till one of his "boundaries" is tripped, and then he flies off the handle unreasonably. There is a sense i get that it is made to be "her fault" for even asking. In my humble opinion, asking 4 times in a year is not "hounding" or "demanding". It is the normal desire to be a part of this One's life. He "lives for her" and yet can verbally abuse her and question her trust, and then come back all lovey-dovey? He loves her, and yet he can't let her meet anyone in His life? Ok. Either He is a person that compartmentalizes everything, and like the little kid can't have the peas touching the mashed potatoes, or He has such a need to controll His environment that He can't let her see how out of controll it has become. It begins with little things. He's then so sorry, and it will "never happen again." The one who began this post admitted she only sees what is publically available to her, she doesn't really know what happens behind closed doors. Yes He has now been clear about the boundaries and what is ok, regardless of what may or may not have been established in the past. She should now do the same and leave, since He is not Man enough to let her into His life, and doesn't seem to be in controll of Himself, let alone the life He is living. And she needs to be firm after, because i guarantee He'll try everything in His power to get her back. She needs to get out of this now, before something really bad happens and she can't. i realize i am not being fair, siince we don't have an advocate for the Dominant, but something seems very off based on what has been presented...i'd be concerned as a friend.

SteelofUtah -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 10:55:10 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Steel, she tried discussing this and she got raged at which does not qualify as him willing to engage in a healthy open communication. Again as I have said already once before we only have One side of the story and it isn't even FROM the girl it is second hand information. So we do not really know exactly what happened in this situation OTHER than what the OP expressed and HOW the girl asked was glazed over. Besides when I recount an argument that the girl and I may have had I find myself often presenting myself in a much more rational view than I might have really had. As far as I know MOST people do this so since I can admit that I do I have to assume that the person in the story MIGHT as well so I have to discount that she was RATIONAL and that he was IN RAGED! No one but the two involved know for sure and as far as I can see neither of them have posted to this board yet. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP He can set up a boundary of not meeting his crazy father, not wise but fine. But he cannot insist on meeting her friends and family outside of her house and refusing to introduce her to his buddies from work, his bowling league, his grown son. The fact that she has no intro to any of his life and his rage is the red flag. Red Flags? Possibly, I'm Not discounting that there may be something wrong, because there could be something wrong in ANY relationship. However so many ASSUMPTIONS have been made that these things are all now taken out of context. When I was still being secretive about my BDSM relationships I NEVER introduced them to people in my personal life, because as a general rule I behaved differently with my play partner than I did in normal social settings. (I was 16 when I got involved in this lifestyle and well I acted differently around my cronies than I did around my subs, this changed later in my life when I accepted and embrased who and what I was and stopped caring what others thought of me) So a 20 year old friend might not gel well with a girl who defers to my desires. Regardless of if it is a necessary worry or not I can assure you I was scared to death that someone I knew might run into me at a Bar & Grille Munch when I was 18 and today I would introduce them. Depends on where he is in his personal comfort zone. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP The father issue fine. But not letting her into any of the rest of his life, not fine. Or are all of his coworkers crazy also, plus his grown son, plus his best friend of 20 years? I doubt it. Again I ask why this is a red flag at all, I know MANY subs who would NEVER want me to meet thier circle of friends because I for one would not enjoy it and she would be afraid some of them might find out what she is into. My wife has never met my co-workers because I only spend time with them at work and I don't dring my wife to work. I'm hiding nothing from my wife but in two years the only co-worker she ever met was when my truck broke down and he drove me home and picked me up and the extent of thier getting to know one another was the word "Hi" repeted Twice. I don't see a reason to bring the entire world into my home and say "EVERYONE This is who I am with, because I think you all ought to know." OUR friends know her, some of my friends know her, and only a handful of her friends know me. I really don't need to know all her friends and I'm glad she isn't nipping at my heels to meet all mine. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP A bad marriage, held together for the sake of the not yet grown ums is what this comes to. She visits her family with the ums at holidays while he has to work. He claims to be visiting his relatives on weekends when he's with the sub. Could he still be really in love with her? Sure. Does he want it in the open and a costly divorce? Nope. Is he lying to her? Definitely. All I can say to this is "What if he isn't" what if he is completely on the level? Does anyone even want to consider that this Negativity they have may be wrong? I have taken everything but the SITUATION with a grain of salt because it is second hand information, and only from one side of the situation at that. The situation sounds pretty simple to me, He has a boundry and she is pushing on it. If it is unacceptable for a Dom to Push at a Hard Limit, then why is this situation so different? Should I assume that just because a sub won't let me take nude photos of her is because she MUST be Married and is afraid he will find out? ..... Why Not makes just as much sense that because this guy has issues with his sub meeting his Father that he must be married! When did we all become so Jaded? When did we deside it is easier to think less of someone else than it is to think more of them? You know perhaps I just don't get it, and if I don't then that's fine I would rather live in a world where I think people are basically good and not think ever guy who doesn't do exactly what a sub wants him to do is a married lying prick. For the life of me I just don't get it. Steel

SailingBum -> RE: Is everything alright? (3/15/2008 11:48:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub I was talking this thread over with a very knowledgeable friend the other day,and he made a point I had not thought of..Basically he said.."why is this Dominant,allowing his father who lives with him, whom he cares for,allowing this parent to Dominate and control his life"?..Would you wish to be with a Dominant who was unable to control or have any control in his own home?..words to think on.....Tempting I just have to comment on this. Words to think on my ass. This is beyond shear bullshit. Don't take care of your parents Don't resepct your parents and whatever the fuck you do DO NOT under any conditions make any sort of sacrafice for your family. If my girl ever spoke to me like that. My rage would be pretty much uncontrollable My family took care of my father while he was on his deathbed. If my girl couldn't respect the TUFF SHIT. BadOne

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