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some help - 3/13/2008 9:04:50 AM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline 		i'm sure that there are threads out here about this but i'm not even sure which search term to use...

there are certain things that i want to be able to do for Him and things that i really want for Him to be able to do (as in use other females) that are doing weird things to my head. i know that's really vague lol but i don't want to drag dirty laundry all over the board (well no more than i need to anyway).

i'm just wondering if anyone has had experience working themselves into a headspace to get them to realize that it's going to work out okay?


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“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 9:07:45 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		yes, to all that.

polyamory----
didn't catch on to the others/

Ron 

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 9:15:47 AM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline 		well doesnt really matter anyway because i hit send and then He wanted to talk about it anyway lol...gotta love that type of luck.

_____________________________


“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 9:22:58 AM   
SinergyNstrumpet


Posts: 305
Joined: 2/26/2008
Status: offline 		We have discussed some similar things, but I am still unsure of doing it. In fact it would fly in the face of our dynamic if we were to venture there because my inclination would be to control the situation so as to make me feel more secure. I do not want to control anything really, so basically I am just not up for it. I have vacilated between wanting to try it, and thinking "Oh, hell no"

I do not know if that helps or if it was what you are looking for

julia

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 9:26:37 AM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinergyNstrumpet

We have discussed some similar things, but I am still unsure of doing it. In fact it would fly in the face of our dynamic if we were to venture there because my inclination would be to control the situation so as to make me feel more secure. I do not want to control anything really, so basically I am just not up for it. I have vacilated between wanting to try it, and thinking "Oh, hell no"

I do not know if that helps or if it was what you are looking for

julia



i have no problems with it in theory and thought i was okay with it until another female entered the picture. it was more that this has always been the sign that i'm being left so apparently it opened up a lot of old wounds that i had dealt with. but we've talked about it and i think it'll work itself out, but i understand what you're saying about control.. i'm a very submissive switch but i can close to switching last night. i think it's just a matter of getting used to it in a partner that isn't using it as an escape hatch.


_____________________________


“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 12:37:11 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline 		Fluffy, I'm not sure if this will help, but sometimes I find myself overanalyzing, overthinking things which just serves to wind me up into a mental frenzy, which isn't good!  Then I dump on Master, and we're left trying to wade through all these feelings (never much fun!).  I've learned with some things it's best to take a more laid-back approach, even if it's a lot of work to get there.  Take a deep breath, go with what feels right in your gut, and try to turn your brain off.  If things start feeling wrong, communicate it.  It's work for me, to not overanalyze.  But it's draining *to* be too analytical, so I work on it.  Going with the flow can be a good thing sometimes. 

A caveat - obviously, if something feels wrong, you need to talk about it.  I'm talking more about those things which may be a stretch for me, but which I really want to try ... but cause me some anxiety. 

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 1:50:35 PM   
flitter


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/3/2008
Status: offline 		It seems to me, that if it is bothering you this much, perhaps he shouldn't be doing it. Polyamory is not for everyone.

(in reply to Bound2One)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 2:22:20 PM   
fluffyswitch


Posts: 1108
Joined: 9/29/2007
From: Buffalo
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

Fluffy, I'm not sure if this will help, but sometimes I find myself overanalyzing, overthinking things which just serves to wind me up into a mental frenzy, which isn't good!  Then I dump on Master, and we're left trying to wade through all these feelings (never much fun!).  I've learned with some things it's best to take a more laid-back approach, even if it's a lot of work to get there.  Take a deep breath, go with what feels right in your gut, and try to turn your brain off.  If things start feeling wrong, communicate it.  It's work for me, to not overanalyze.  But it's draining *to* be too analytical, so I work on it.  Going with the flow can be a good thing sometimes. 

A caveat - obviously, if something feels wrong, you need to talk about it.  I'm talking more about those things which may be a stretch for me, but which I really want to try ... but cause me some anxiety. 


yeah i think that's my problem, i read too much into things. which is great if i'm working on say this lit review i have to write for next week but not so much for anything of any relevance in the real world. logically i knew nothing earthshaking was going on but it still seemed massively important at the time.


_____________________________


“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

(in reply to Bound2One)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 4:09:30 PM   
DelilahDeb


Posts: 429
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		Fluffy,

Even if your difficulty is "only feelings"...feelings are important! Sometimes they are a signal that past experiences aren't dealt with, as you noted. Sometimes they're a signal that not all is as it seems on the surface. And sometimes they are a signal that you may need to release emotion without there being anything "wrong" with the situation at all. In the three years between the occasion of my (first) marriage, which we agreed very early on would be an open one, and the occasion of our making it so, I spent a lot of time discussing the matter with the husband and frequently crying away societal conditioning...EVEN THOUGH I had admired (and wished to replicate) the polyamorous social background to a number of science fiction novels ever since the age of 12.

I'm glad you had the synchronous opportunity to talk it out.

Delilah Deb

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 4:15:14 PM   
MistressVnus


Posts: 1036
Joined: 1/4/2008
From: Central Florida
Status: offline
quote:

i'm just wondering if anyone has had experience working themselves into a headspace to get them to realize that it's going to work out okay?


That's your Master's job and responsibility.  If he hasn't made sure you "know" that, then he hasn't done his job.  Period.


_____________________________

In the ties that bind,
Mistress Venus
http://www.mistressvenus.com

"I'm not IN the lifestyle. The lifestyle is in Me!"

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 6:36:17 PM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline
quote:

s, but I am still unsure of doing it. In fact it would fly in the face of our dynamic if we were to venture there because my inclination would be to control the situation so as to make me feel more secure. I do not want to control anything really, so basically I am just not up for it. I have vacilated between wanting to try it, and thinking "Oh, hell no"

I do not know if that helps or if it was what you are looking for


Realizing that what you have complete control over is your own reaction.  Is this something that will change your relationship or are you changing your relationship over it yourself?  Because there is a big difference and maybe recognizing that difference will make it easier for you.


_____________________________


"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 7:18:13 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: junecleaver

quote:

s, but I am still unsure of doing it. In fact it would fly in the face of our dynamic if we were to venture there because my inclination would be to control the situation so as to make me feel more secure. I do not want to control anything really, so basically I am just not up for it. I have vacilated between wanting to try it, and thinking "Oh, hell no"

I do not know if that helps or if it was what you are looking for


Realizing that what you have complete control over is your own reaction.  Is this something that will change your relationship or are you changing your relationship over it yourself?  Because there is a big difference and maybe recognizing that difference will make it easier for you.



June, I like how you phrased this.  Definitely food for thought/different way of looking at things for when something pops up again in our relationship - thank you. 

(in reply to junecleaver)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 8:00:00 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think this is really a human issue rather than any kink or ds issue.  Without more info I can't really give solid advice on how to work through it.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 10:31:39 PM   
girlygurl


Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fluffyswitch

i'm sure that there are threads out here about this but i'm not even sure which search term to use...

there are certain things that i want to be able to do for Him and things that i really want for Him to be able to do (as in use other females) that are doing weird things to my head. i know that's really vague lol but i don't want to drag dirty laundry all over the board (well no more than i need to anyway).

i'm just wondering if anyone has had experience working themselves into a headspace to get them to realize that it's going to work out okay?



fluffy,
I think I understand your post... and yes, with communication, trust, and time.... I've gotten myself to a point of acceptance when it comes to Sir playing with others.  Not that He's done that recenty... but at this point, my love for Him and His love for me over power any concerns I had regarding this particular subject... and besides.... He says the next playmate will be bi and she will be for both of us. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

girly

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to fluffyswitch)
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RE: some help - 3/13/2008 10:37:03 PM   
StormsSlave


Posts: 629
Joined: 2/6/2008
Status: offline 		Things are always way worse in my own head than they are in the real world.  The only thing I ever do is avoid saying nothing is wrong when I'm asked what's wrong.  (He knows anyway, so what's the point?)  I try to be honest, but fair, and not act like a spoiled child.  I admit I do occasionally resemble the child, but so does My Lord, so I just stick my tongue out at him. 



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Congratulate me...I'm a missus!!

--nobody's resident anything.

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