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bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 5:57:21 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		A lot of people on here are hard to figure out they are either very transparent or very stuffy or into there own mind set a brick wall could not phase them.

I know a lot of us have wasted time on being with the wrong person. wither it be a sexual attraction or his or hers bdsm skill set such as mental knowledge. What were some of the warrning bells you saw that said hey you really suck and making my life suck so i need to move on kinda of thing.  was it sexual, or was it more abusive or was it other things that caused get to go south ? 
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 5:59:56 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Probably the guys I caught her in bed with.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:08:01 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		My only other real D/s relationship went wrong because I felt like I was the only one putting in any effort whatsoever, I was at uni at the time, and had very little money he would never ring or visit me it had to be the other way round, and when i went up there id have to pay for everything and he couldnt even be arsed to clean his living room, this tends to be something I did in nilla life too, get involved with people who kinda liked having me around but wouldnt make any effort to keep me around. eventually i forced myself to stop contact and move on, it was hard because i did rely on him quite a bit but i figured i deserved a bit more

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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:08:33 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		When he refused to help do the housework and to pick our daughter up from daycare because "men don't do that" I packed his things and put them by the door. I worked longer hours, commuted much longer and I was making a lot less money at the time. He couldn't meet me halfway so I decided that I didn't need him. I've been happily divorced ever since.

~Lashra


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(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:15:10 AM   
Real_Trouble


Posts: 471
Joined: 2/25/2008
Status: offline 		There are two major things that cause me to say when:

1 - Major violations of trust / honesty.  I am not wholly immovable on this kind of thing, but given that I openly encourage people to bring even news I don't like to me, if you are lying to me or violating my trust, that usually means I am either dealing with someone highly dysfunctional and / or cowardly, or they are doing something truly vile, so I tend to take this as a huge red flag.

2 - Loss of interest.  If you have truly given someone a fair shot, and you are just not inspired, then it is what it is.

Likewise, another broad criteria I tend to look at is this:

- Are you making my life better, or worse, compared to being single?  This one, ironically, has axed several people, and in two cases, has led to me never speaking to those people again.  I have little patience for those who are going to unnecessarily complicate my life.


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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:16:53 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline 		My first D/s relationship wasn't "officially" D/s (it wasn't twue). He was just naturally very domineering. Note this word: not dominant. Domineering. A narcissistic control freak: I was completely subjugated. I nearly lost my mind! Fucker. (I hope he is reading this.) He had me because I let him - he was quite dominant in bed, so I melted, being the natural submissive that I am.

I loved him; he just wanted to possess me.

I bailed out before becoming a complete wreck and fell in love with the Other, who knows exactly what it's about. And I discovered that control freakery can be a gorgeous thing, when it is done in a loving way.

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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:32:39 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		awww hunny *hugs* glad you got someone more deserving now 

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:49:33 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

awww hunny *hugs* glad you got someone more deserving now 



Mouah.


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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:54:56 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop


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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 6:58:24 AM   
kittinSol


Posts: 16926
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop



Well, I had a lot of energy put into me, if you see what I mean... it just wasn't channeled right. His sexual desires were to possess and subdue - I realise some slabs love that. But it really wasn't for me.



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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 7:07:25 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kittinSol

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop



Well, I had a lot of energy put into me, if you see what I mean... it just wasn't channeled right. His sexual desires were to possess and subdue - I realise some slabs love that. But it really wasn't for me.




sorry wasn't meant for you.  But i see your point.
Has to be the right kind of energy and positive energy.

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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 7:40:50 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		The dominant I was seeing prior to my Master spent 30 days straight telling me what a piece of crap I am, that I could never be pleasing and that he couldn't decide whether or not he should keep me because I was such a disappointment.  I was with him a total of about 3 months before I told him since he couldn't decide whether to keep me or not, I was deciding for him, and left.  I planned to pack up my submissive bags and go home, and never do this again, and four days later Mr. Wonderful came into my life.  It took me 2 months before I would even meet him, because I didn't trust him or myself.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 7:46:34 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		For me, it has taken some years to figure out what I consider to be the warning signs that are relevant to me.  Some of them have been mentioned on here...

1.  One-sided expenditure of the right energy into the relationship:  If I am the one making all the effort to call first, to write first, etc....then that doesn't work for me.  I have read all the posts before about submissives feeling "wrong" about making the first contact...O.K....but once you have been contacted and have started the process of getting to know each other, it seems to me that the submissive needs to make some effort also.  Now, the reverse of this is true also...if I find that they are the ones exerting all the effort to spend time with me, then that is a pretty good indication to me that I am just not interested.

2.  Dishonesty:  Let me state that I am not a big believer in full honesty.  There was a thread on here once about full disclosure and honesty and for all the big, important stuff, I agree.  As an example, if I am in the process of getting to know a submissive but she is not yet my submissive or we have not made a commitment to each other and/or we have not seen each other, I always assume...unless told...that there may be other dominants interested in her that she may talk to.  I don't insist that she tell me about it nor do I necessarily tell her about speaking to other submissives unless she asks me right out.  I don't consider that to be dishonesty, I consider it to be the way of life.  But let's face it, there can be a lot of hateful, hurtful things that can be said under the umbrella of "TOTAL honesty" that really do not need to be.

3.  Lack of interest in things other than me.  As flattering as it might be to some people to be the total focus of someone else's interest, it is anathema to me.  I have many interests...not the least of which the submissive I am with BUT she is not my only interest.  And I do not want to be hers.  I want her to have outside interests, I want her mind to be curious...in MY world, that makes her a much better submissive to me for it feels like her submission is done more from want to serve me rather than need to serve someone.

4.  Lack of interest in play:  I love D/s.  I love BDSM play.  I've told people I would rather spend the rest of my life alone before going back to vanilla life.  On the same line, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than spend it with a partner whose drive to explore D/s and whose drive to explore the BDSM play and the sex play does not match my own.  Been there, done that, got the monk's habit to go with it from the last several years of my marriage.  Won't go there again.

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 7:58:30 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Wow I've been lucky

BadOne


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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 8:35:51 AM   
MissMenagerie


Posts: 66
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline 		For me, dishonesty is the big one, especially being passionatly interesting in a lifesyle that either has full-on trust or doesn't happen at all. Personally, I don't care what someone does, or is interested in, as long as they can straight-up tell me about it. It's been a big problem in the past...most people can't adjust to telling the truth and not being punished for it.

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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 8:43:30 AM   
SubbieOnWheels


Posts: 590
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline 		One relationship ended because he became abusive - or rather, he extended the boundaries far beyond what I was willing to do, and he said it was his right to do that.

The last one (vanilla) ended because he had no ambition. He gave it lip-service, but when push came to shove, he backed off and got snarky because I was making progress and he wasn't.

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Beat me, strike me, take away my reindeer! I'll never tell! -- Walt Kelly, Pogo Possum
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:04:50 AM   
junecleaver


Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline 		Lack of effort. 
Thought we were compatible, but the D/s thing just wasn't working between us. 
He wanted more than I could give at the time.

I've never had a nasty break up, thankfully.


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"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
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(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:09:58 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop



this....it hurt to read it.  but it was extremely timely at the same time.  thank you.

kitten, who apparently will be relocating in the future.....

(in reply to Justme696)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:17:43 AM   
sweetwenchie


Posts: 1993
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Feeling as if you were the only one putting any energy or effort into the relationship

The sense of being an afterthought.

Dishonesty

Lack of responsibility

No willpower

No drive  (sexual and non sexual)

Those are some of the warning signs i had that signaled the end of a relationship.

< Message edited by sweetwenchie -- 3/14/2008 9:23:23 AM >

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"To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object." - De Beauvoir

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." - Nietzsche

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:31:17 AM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Lack of interest in,or cooperation with my life goals.

Deciding that they could have sex and play with others behind my back-without my consent.

Constant negativity that drove me into depression when they were around.

Expectations that were just wierd-and no one could really meet.

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I'm not taking custom orders.

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