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RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:42:27 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop



this....it hurt to read it.  but it was extremely timely at the same time.  thank you.

kitten, who apparently will be relocating in the future.....


I am sorry to read that


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to adoracat)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:43:18 AM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		My last owner released me when, after living together for 3 years, (after being ld for 4 before that), he decided he could not live with my mental illness. This is why I am VERY upfront about my mental illness. Almost always when I am talking to someone new, I talk to them about that BEFORE we ever meet. If it somehow gets pushed aside and we meet fairly soon - say if they are local and we meet for coffee after only a short amount of talking - and I didn't 'get around' to talking about it, talking about it on the first meeting is the absolute latest. It is a hard limit for some, and that is okay with me. That breakup was hard for me on several levels. With a Master in my life, I had been more stable than I had ever remebered being, and it was not enough for him. I found myself afraid that no one would ever be able to live with and deal with it. I think it went okay for a long time, till the stresses got bigger and the symptoms were a little more visable - I was trying to go to school, which was an added challenge.
In the years between that relationship and my current wonderful Master, there were several who did not work out for several reasons. I feel so much what colouredin siad. I refuse to continue a relatinship if I can not tell that they are truly interested in me, instead it just being easier to go along than to tell me it is not thrilling them. So, I don't mind calling, going to see them, and all the rest, but it has to be returned. There was one gentleman who lasted almost a year even though he only found time to see me twice. His excuses were excellent and built to make me respect him MORE, not less, for what he was busy with. But eventually, it is just too much, you know?
And, yes, ownedgirlie, I have had conversations with Doms who seemed to think that, if you were a true (weal twue) sub, who or what YOU were would not matter, since they were going to mold you into what they wanted. I want training and molding, but by someone who already truly likes me, for who I am. Although, your guy sounds more like he had a fetish for breaking someone down emotionally. I need someone in my life who wants to build me up, not the othe way.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:48:38 AM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline 		I didn't notice the warning bells with my ex until I caught him fucking/Domming one of his students.

To clarify, he taught middle school.

Apparently he had been faithful to me up until the point that I turned 18, then decided I was too old for him and went looking elsewhere.

Looking back, I probably should have noticed: the late night phone calls, the strange emails and IMs, odd sites bookmarked on his computer, the fact that he pretty much stopped doing anything with me, and the fact that someone well over the age of 20 would try to dom a 15-year-old (me, when we met).


< Message edited by Pyrrsefanie -- 3/14/2008 9:51:01 AM >

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 9:55:40 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		My other D/s relationship went south because my Dom couldn't commit, plus I always caught him in lies, for example he said he had somthing to tell me.Anyways that he went and played with this girl that lived by him and he told me sex didn't happen. Well that wasn't true, eventually we all played together and we became friends she told me the truth sex did happen alot. Eventually I dropped all of them.

< Message edited by Daddyslilpookie -- 3/14/2008 10:13:08 AM >

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Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 10:08:05 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Learning to recognize incompatibility.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 12:49:41 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		I have one more to add to my list...there are probably other warning signs but these are the big ones for me.

Jealousy:  I like women.  I know, big surprise, right?  But I do.  I like the way they speak, I like the way they think, I like the way they look, I like the way they smell, I like the way their body parts fit mine.  I like to talk with them about serious subjects and I like to joke around with them.  I am also a flirt.  I have never denied it.  There are plenty of flirts on this board...BUT I DO know the difference between jokey, even sexy flirting and the more serious flirting with serious intent.  I have women friends and I don't like the idea of having to give them up every time I begin speaking to a different submissive, although I recognize that if I enter a D/s dynamic that is becoming deeper and deeper, my relationship with those friends will be altered.  But...I WILL still be friends with them...speaking to them, joking with them, and occasionally flirting with them.  But that is it.  Just because I talk to women and flirt with them does not mean I want to sleep with every single woman I speak to or enter into a relationship with every single woman I flirt with...and even with the ones I might want to sleep with or play with, if I am involved elsewhere, I respect the commitment I have made elsewhere.  I know that there are many that do not think so but I am one of those who happens to believe that you can have relationships with the opposite sex without it being a prelude to a deeper, sexual relationship.  God...if it does mean that, then I have been cheated out of a lot of sex. 
My ex did not get that.  She even began to resent my woman patients.  She just could not comprehend that I could be that friendly with someone of the opposite sex without trying to get up their skirt or them trying to get into my pants.  She also had this idea that if a woman came on to any man that most men would not not turn her away and respect their commitment elsewhere, they'd fuck the woman.  It created a lot of friction in our final years of marriage and helped to further erode what was already disintegrating.  I won't go through that anymore.  If I am confronted with my flirting or behavior and can honestly be shown where it has been out of bounds...I have apologized and toned it way down. 




(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/14/2008 2:30:30 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		D/s or not, a relationship is a relationship. These fail for the same reason other relationships fail. There is nothing special about relationship skills, nothing exclusive communication wise just because you're in a power relationship. Nothing.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 6:39:54 AM   
MontrealPhoenix


Posts: 1526
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		Well, in the case of the last "dominant" i connected with, he turned out to be a total psycho with a horrible temper who left me a mental and physical wreck. But then again i didn't check him out properly before meeting, something that won't be repeated.
 
Phoenix

_____________________________

"Only in a collar can a woman be truly free"
~Tribesmen of Gor ..pg 75

"He who ties a woman owns her"
~Guardsman Of Gor pg 267



(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 6:57:09 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MontrealPhoenix

Well, in the case of the last "dominant" i connected with, he turned out to be a total psycho with a horrible temper who left me a mental and physical wreck. But then again i didn't check him out properly before meeting, something that won't be repeated.
 
Phoenix


don't blame yourself, for others mistakes.
Some people can hide their "badness" for ages.


_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to MontrealPhoenix)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 7:30:07 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

Putting energy in a person and getting non returned..then it is time to stop



this....it hurt to read it.  but it was extremely timely at the same time.  thank you.

kitten, who apparently will be relocating in the future.....


I am sorry to read that



thank you.  i guess it boils down to finally seeing that you cant make someone else love you...no matter how much you love them.

kitten

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 7:50:19 AM   
Justme696


Posts: 3236
Joined: 1/7/2008
From: Royal kingdom of the Netherlands
Status: offline 		yes exactly....none the les..it is painfull...when your mind and heart collide

_____________________________

~Been there, done that, got the t-shirt

(in reply to adoracat)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 8:40:48 AM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Justme696

yes exactly....none the les..it is painfull...when your mind and heart collide


*nods*   and Daddy has said QUITE firmly that i am always his, no matter where i lay my head at night.  that is a huge comfort to me.

thank you again, for those timely words.

kitten

(in reply to Justme696)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/15/2008 11:29:50 PM   
VMistressV


Posts: 78
Joined: 12/29/2007
Status: offline 		 He said if we ever got married and I got fat, that was going to be a problem.
That was the first one, I've got better ones, but I think I won't bother you guys with them.


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You can have the stable partners, Give me a stable of partners.
http://myspace.com/vmistressv

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 8:50:27 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		What everyone else said.

Lack of interest in me as a person, not just a dominant.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 9:00:33 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

A lot of people on here are hard to figure out they are either very transparent or very stuffy or into there own mind set a brick wall could not phase them.

I know a lot of us have wasted time on being with the wrong person. wither it be a sexual attraction or his or hers bdsm skill set such as mental knowledge. What were some of the warrning bells you saw that said hey you really suck and making my life suck so i need to move on kinda of thing.  was it sexual, or was it more abusive or was it other things that caused get to go south ? 

As we are repetative about; If it feels good, Do it again. When you find yourself not enjoying more than what you are, you need to adjust something. Find what shares the most commonality in the unenjoyables and remove it. Sometimes it is as simple as the person(s) you keep company with. Never be above looking inward as your unrest can also set the tone for failure. (Sometimes this means your the reason your relationships suck.)
quote:

ORIGINAL: STORMSSLAVE
"Did it feel good? Do it again."


_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 9:39:15 AM   
MD1Master


Posts: 34
Joined: 3/7/2008
Status: offline



I think the answer is rather simplistic.  When your life is no longer happier with the person than without.  It is also a lot about communication, reaction, and respect.  Does the person listen/communicate with you?  When you express a desire or issue, does it receive the attention and response deserved?  Do you feel you are respected, this is true of either a Dom(me) or submissive?

I also think it important to view time spent with someone, not as a waste, but rather an experience from which you have learned.  If you learned nothing more than less tolerance for some behaviors, that is a positive.  Time is linear, once it is gone, it is gone.  Try to not view time as wasted but as an experience that should not be repeated.



(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 4:22:15 PM   
UncleNasty


Posts: 1108
Joined: 3/20/2004
Status: offline 		I don't look for reasons or excuses to end relations, or to stop them from beginning. I look for ways to facilitate good relationships, for solutions, for ways to overcome obstacles and challenges.

That being said I don't sell myself out in order to maintain a relationship. Being the product of a dysfunctional family (who among us isn't) I've realized the importance of knowing my own feelings. For me relationships are foundationally about feelings. Enough good ones and we continue - too many bad ones and we have to part company.

Among the things that will cause me to move away from someone are: dishonesty, emotional transferrance, emotional projection, lack of accountability, disregarding of my feelings (theirs too actually), lack of courage in confronting issues/problems, denial, unilateral decision making (isn't it a partnership?), consistently saying one thing and then doing another, bad faith negotiating, reacting instead of responding.

It usually has more to do with the dynamics than the details. I'm not rigid, don't expect perfection, and I'm typically a bit more patient than I later on think I should have been. I think love should be patient and I feel that people are worthy of that.

(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 6:31:27 PM   
Lumus


Posts: 5968
Joined: 9/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Probably the guys I caught her in bed with.


Ditto.  Amongst over, very graphic things I wouldn't post here because that drama is over, why resurrect it?



_____________________________

<Talk to educate; listen to learn.>

~ the other half of "L&L" ~

I have been dubbed the Rainmaker. Do not make me take your water for my tribe.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 6:50:54 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

1.  One-sided expenditure of the right energy into the relationship:  If I am the one making all the effort to call first, to write first, etc....then that doesn't work for me...


Exactly.   

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: bdsm and sex and oh my - 3/16/2008 7:06:03 PM   
OnlyMels


Posts: 115
Joined: 2/27/2008
Status: offline 		I was with my first boyfriend for a little over 4 years and he was a total idiot controling and a drunk he finally went to jail for a year for DUI and I decided that I didn't need him and I didn't want my son growing up around someone like that. But I have since found my daddy and am happily engaged to him


(in reply to Leatherist)
Profile   Post #: 40
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